Oct 092016

Crowned Jewels - Aluminum and Titanium Sex ToysCrowned Jewels as a brand name might not make you think “sex toys” but the surprise is worth it. Gorgeous, well-made aluminum or titanium alloy1 dildos, butt plugs, cock rings and more. Njoy was probably the first brand to really bring amazing metal sex toys to the masses; the Pure Wand is so good that after I tried it very early on in my reviewing career it ended up ruining me for pretty much most other dildos – yes, it was that good for me. The problem with cult classics, though, is that they are often imitated. We’ve seen a number of Njoy knock-offs on the market2 but Crowned Jewels is an ethical company, and is creating their own designs. Yes, it’s possible to create different designs in metal! You don’t have to resort to copycat productions! There’s a lot to love about Crowned Jewels; I’m excited about their current line and excited to see what they’ll come up with next. The possibilities of their own, girthy design combined with the trademark lightness of their aluminum alloy mean that a large dildo could be had without the extreme heft of the Njoy Eleven or the glass Double Trouble.

Crowned Jewels – Titanium Anodized

I wanna talk about the Titanium models first because they’re the most …vexing? Titanium is more hefty than aluminum – to compare, the exact same model in titanium vs aluminum is 4 ounces heavier (9.5 vs 5.5 for the diminutive aluminum). So for folks who like moderate weight, the titanium might be something to consider but really the biggest pull here is that the titanium models can be anodized in some pretty great colors. Unfortunately you’re paying a lot for the privilege of pretty colors – over 100 pounds more! And I have to say that the color isn’t represented well on the website – and this is my sole complaint about the Crowned Jewels products.  Uberkinky is selling Crowned Jewels on AmazonUK, and the photos used there seem to be a closer representation to the actual color. If my packaging hadn’t confirmed Magenta, I would have assumed I had the purple color.

Crowned Jewels Titanium Anodized Color Comparison

Anodizing is neat, and the colors change with your touch; I don’t understand it so I’m hoping to get feedback here on that. You can see a difference in the photo above, where it’s me handling it vs a freshly polished-with-cotton look. And lighting matters, too. Outside on bright, yet overcast, day the color is vivid. Indoors with incandescent lights the color is decidedly more purple than magenta, and quite muted. Now normally I wouldn’t make such a fuss over this color issue because even when the color looks its “worst” it’s still pretty – but if you only see the colors on their website and are specifically paying the high price to get THAT color? You may be disappointed.

Crowned Jewels Magenta Titanium Color Compare

A Luxury Experience

I’ve come across some very lovely sex toy packaging in my time, but none so posh as Crowned Jewels. First, they’re sealed up like a Christmas cracker in black tissue paper, with a logo sticker. Then there is the black tube with the metal lid, sealed with ribbon and a legit wax seal. Crack that open (reluctantly) to find more black tissue paper and a lovely satin drawstring bag, which itself is even a step or two above most included satin bags – it’s black on the outside and silver satin on the inside and feels more like the early Lelo storage pouches – no single layer of thin satin here; no crinkly weird fabric either. Unwrapping is a process and by making it 5 steps it forces you to slow down and appreciate what you’re about to see.

There are brands of sex toys that just scream “perfect gift” and Crowned Jewels is one. Your recipient will be enthralled with the unboxing.

Aluminum vs Stainless Steel

It’s a little harder to compare aluminum vs stainless steel here because the designs of Crowned Jewels are so different from Njoy. But the biggest plus to their aluminum alloy is the weight – or lack of it. The “Classic” (smaller) Shaftsbury barely scoots past the 5.5 ounce mark, while the larger Grande Mayfair is 9 ounces – the Njoy Pure Wand is nearly a full pound heavier than the Grande Mayfair 1 pound 8.5 ounces. The heft of the Pure Wand lends to its amazing qualities yet is also a hindrance for many people with grip issues, arthritis, fibromyalgia, carpal tunnel, and more. I have often been in pain after a rapid-thrusting session with my Pure Wand.

Both metals are great for temperature play; I found that stainless steel was able to retain a little bit more body-warmth from use than the aluminum, but aluminum still warms up wonderfully – and chills down well, too.

Tiny Metal

Crowned Jewels Mayfair and Shaftsbury aluminum, Shaftsbury Titanium, compared to the Njoy Pure Wand for size and shape. Right now Crowned Jewels doesn’t have anything for folks who feel that bigger is better. Many may find even their Grande choices are too small – the largest one that Shevibe is stocking is 1.35″ at the widest spot. The Classics are pretty small, but this could be a good thing for a number of folks! The slick metal barely needs any lubrication for vaginal play. The gentle bloops on the smaller end of the Mayfair or the plain Eros would be great for those who have trouble with girth and friction.

I don’t feel comfortable telling you that the dildos are anal safe. With the Njoy Pure Wand, even if the large bulb isn’t acting as a semi-flared base, the sheer weight of it is likely going to prevent it from being lost to the vacuum properties of most butts. 5.5 ounces is a vast difference to 24.5 ounces and I don’t think you should use these for anal play. Luckily Crowned Jewels has made some fucking gorgeous butt plugs, and they all have a silicone base that is sparkly and looks like a gorgeous granite. And the buttplugs are called “Upminster” which I love.

How Does it Feel, Though?

In use, the Mayfair is definitely comfortable. It’s light enough that I experienced no twinges of pain and no hand cramping. But I cannot help to compare it with the Pure Wand and the shape of the Pure Wand is simply my ideal – from the drastic C curve to the prominent ball which aggressively pings my g-spot. The ball of the Pure Wand also catches on my pubic bone, but that’s okay for me – I’m well-padded there and that’s where my g-spot is. I like really firm pressure on my g-spot. My g-spot doesn’t want to be seduced, it doesn’t want a gentle lover. My g-spot needs it hard & fast, rough and aggressive. For a number of folks the Pure Wand doesn’t work because of this aggressive nature, and catching their pubic bone on a metal dildo is painful. For those folks, I point you to Crowned Jewels. The “classic” sizes are just too small for me, like the Shaftsbury.  I feel like if the Farringdon “C” Curve were made in a larger size, it would be a better match for me.

At first I was super bummed that I couldn’t honestly report the orgasmic properties of the Crowned Jewels dildo. But then I realized that orgasm doesn’t equal endorsement. I’ve wrung orgasms out of highly unpleasant vibrators. I adore the brand; their ethics, their materials, their vision. Despite how badly I’ve love to see an aluminum version of the Pure Wand, I’m delighted to see that they are above producing copycat designs. I see a lot of potential for the future but also a lot of promise for people who are not my vagina-twins.

For those who want a smaller, more gentle metal dildo experience, I cannot recommend Crowned Jewels enough. If you’re in the UK, you can purchase directly from Crowned Jewels and if you’re in the US you can find select models at Shevibe.com.  Crowned Jewels sent me these items in exchange for my honest opinion.

  1. They can’t be JUST aluminum or titanium but their site does specifically say “nickel free” – if you have other metal allergies, please email them first and they’ll happily let you know if their alloy is safe for you
  2. Some, like Pipedream, are made from an easily-noticed lesser grade of metal but others are unknown- that’s the problem with metal, there’s no easy at-home test to understand if you have a body-safe hypo-allergenic metal or if the alloy will contain something irritating or if it will be prone to rusting
Aug 282016

Dorr SilkerWhen Shevibe asked me to review something from a new brand, the Dorr Silker was the design that caught my eye the most. I love g-spot vibrators that have a swooping curve, but straight styles never do anything for me.  When I heard that the Silker would be priced under $100, I had to check it out! As you’ll read, there are some cons but a lot of pros and overall I’m a fan of the Silker. There’s a few things giving me pause, though.


Reservation for One – The Reasons I’m Torn on the Dorr Silker

You might be asking, as I was, “Who the hell is Dorr? And don’t some of those vibrators look familiar?” Indeed, they do. I’ve seen a few companies making this wand 1. This mini vibrator from NS Novelties is also being manufactured by the company behind Dorr2 – in the brochure that came with my Silker they talk about a mini vibe called the Foxy (shown in the photo below), but the Foxy isn’t on the Dorr website anymore. Instead they’re being sold by NS Novelties as part of their Luxe line. The designs (NS Luxe vs Dorr Foxy) are utterly identical – but are the motors? I’m not sure. Anyways, according to the company info, Dorr is based in Los Angeles but as with 90% of the vibrators on the market, their vibes are manufactured in China because that’s just how it is. The company does offer a warranty, 3 years, which took a little digging for me to find.

Dorr Silker brochure

All of this is really to say that I’m undecided on how I feel about the company/brand as a whole. I haven’t heard of any problems and nothing really strikes me suspicious, but I also don’t feel quite as good about them as I do L’amourose. I think at this point this is more of a gut feeling mixed with caution because they’re new and the designs feel more “white label” 3  than the things L’amourose is doing.

Dorr Silker metal plateThe Silker doesn’t seem to be cheaply made – in fact, unlike that similar wand up above, the decorative plate on the Silker (and all the Dorr products with said plate) is metal. Hard, shiny metal4. This means there’s no metallic paint to chip off. Of course, the metal plate serves no purpose, which means I don’t like it. Without it the Silker would be easier to clean; with it there is now a big groove to collect gunk.

And finally, the charging cable is proprietary which is becoming a new pet peeve of mine. Granted, the L’amourose chargers are proprietary, too. When a company makes a sex toy I can charge with the same cable I use to charge my phone, I’m happy. I hate having to dig up a specific cable just to charge a vibrator and it’s led to me allowing favorite vibes to die and wait weeks for a charge.

Lost in Translation

As I was photographing the “boring bits” (charger, box, brochure) I think I may have stumbled upon one aspect that makes me narrow my eyes and get a little picky. The brochure, and yes I’m going to keep calling it that even though they call it the User Manual, tells me nothing of value. It tells me about their other products. It mentions a warranty, but no specifics. The box itself talks about 6 patterns – I counted 5. The box also talks about a “turbo speed vibration mode”, yet the neither box nor brochure tell me how to access this Turbo Mode. I have tried pushing multiple buttons at once; I have tried pushing and holding the + button. I’ve tried holding the ~ (the button to access patterns). I have tried recanting spells. Nothing I’m doing is working and if me, someone who can usually figure out a vibrator without resorting to the manual, cannot find it….maybe it just doesn’t exist. Maybe the highest vibration setting is what they’re calling Turbo Mode just to have another talking point? When the company emailed me to ask me to review more of their line, they also brought up this Turbo mode and said it can be accessed via pressing and holding the “mode” (the ~ button?) button. No. Nothing happens.

It shouldn’t be this hard to figure out.

Dorr Silker - Back of the Box Dorr Silker charger

But the Good Bits! There are Good Bits!

Dorr Silker vs L'amourose Denia and Prism VOkay so here was the surprising thing: The motor on the Dorr Silker is identical to the L’amourose Prism V, and you know how much I love that vibrator. Identical. Even the patterns are nearly identical – 5 patterns like the Prism V, just in a different order. The noise level is identical, too. The pitch is identical. The buttons are located in the same place on each vibrator, so they’re in a convenient location. But the buttons on the Dorr Silker are a little more obvious – the button surface area is bigger, the “engraved” design into the silicone is a little more obvious under your thumb and here’s a surprising difference – the Dorr Silker buttons take less effort to press. Not too much less – not enough so that it’s too easy to accidentally change a setting or turn it on or off – but enough so that people with arthritis or grip issue would appreciate the Dorr Silker more. Like the Prism, Silker is waterproof.

The differences in design are subtle between the Prism V and the Silker – the swoop on the Prism V is just a little more pronounced, the neck is thinner and the head has less circumference. In fact the head of the Silker is a more closely related to the head on the Rosa in terms of size. The silicone on each vibrator is nearly identical, but I think the Silker has just a bit more drag (not much, barely noticeable) than the Prism V.

Aesthetically, I prefer the Prism V. I like how it can stand up on its own (no, the Silker can’t). I like the design, I like the color offerings better. On days where girth is not my friend I really appreciate the thinner neck on the Prism V and the subtle difference in degree of swoop means that the Prism V just feels a little more intense, a little more swoon-y, on my G-spot. If you want a bit more of a fuller feeling than the Prism V’s measurements but need the rigidity that the Rosa lacks, the Dorr Silker might be the right choice for you. Also? It’s $20 less than the Prism V.  If you favor cost over aesthetics or my gut feeling on a brand, go for the Dorr Silker.

The Dorr Line

I feel confident in telling you that the motor on the Iora (at least the internal arm) would be the same as the Silker, but I’m not ready to give blanket approval to the rest of the line. The blandly-shaped Aura would also probably have the same motor as the Silker, but why the fuck did they extend the metal plate so far up? Now it will be touching genitals and gather even more vag gunk. Their remote-controlled egg might have promise – the remote can also be a standalone vibrator (why?) which means it might tell the remote-holder what the egg-wearer is feeling, which I think is a crucial ingredient in the recipe for a good remote-controlled vibrator.

In the end, there’s a lot of good things to like about the Dorr Silker. A lot. If I didn’t have the Prism V to compare it to, I think I’d like it more. The cons aren’t very bad things. The Silker is like that FWB that is great in bed and great on paper but a few little things are preventing you from making the change to Significant Other. Maybe you can’t quite put your finger on why they make your vag sing but not your heart. Maybe they sometimes say weird shit. Whatever, you’ll keep coming back for the sex. I keep using the Silker, more than is necessary to get a review done and out the dorr5 and I can see myself using it more  – when the Prism V needs to be charged, for example.


Shevibe sent me the Dorr Silker in exchange for my very honest review. Curious about this? Read more about my blogger disclosures on sex toy reviews.

  1. The twin Lovehoney wand (whether it’s the 50SOG one I linked above or their Desire wand) has a plastic plate instead of a metal plate and different charging ports, and the motor may be a bit different but visually they’re identical
  2. See what I did there?
  3. What a white label (OEM) brand is: They have a name, they have a business but they don’t want to design sex toys. They want to pick them out of a book and say “okay, we’ll carry that” and then they pick the colors, etc. It’s much like the “store brand” foods at the grocery store – same ingredients from grocery store to store and probably all made at the same plant, but they get the grocery store brand slapped on the label. With white label brands you can find 10 different silicone-covered wand vibrators that all look nearly identical but have different motors. Maybe one brand wanted to go cheaper in the manufacturing and chose the buzzy, weak motor and another brand was willing to pay more for the rumbly, fairly powerful motor (as an example).
  4. Which they say is a “zinc alloy”
  5. Ha. I kill me
Aug 212016

Tenga Iroha Kushi vibratorThe Tenga Iroha Kushi is many things. Cute. Pinpoint. Soft. Plush. Rumbly. Powerful. Is it any wonder that I immediately fell in love with the Iroha Kushi and simultaneously cursed myself for having given away, years ago, my Iroha Midori? The Midori wasn’t for me; it wasn’t very rumbly and I didn’t feel it was powerful enough, nor was the squishy bits in the right place for me (or a necessary feature for me). But now I wish I had it for comparion sake because I felt so blown away by the power and rumble of the the Tenga Iroha Kushi – shocked, in fact! My contact at Tenga confirmed though that the Iroha+ line improved upon the originals with a waterproof design and a better, more powerful motor.

When you first look at the Iroha+ line, the Kushi, Yoru and Tori all have a very Japanese aesthetic, and look nothing like you’d imagine a vibrator looking but also leave you really unsure on where the motor might lie. And that’s a really important thing to know when you have vibrators that seem to have a heavy lean towards how they look vs how they may work. But unlike some brands that go for an artistic look and fail in execution I’m so far really impressed with the Tenga Iroha+ line; I’ve only tried the Kushi and Yoru but read many glowing reviews on the adorable red bird, the Tori (and now I want a Tori to round out my collection).

Ruffles Has Ridges

I was really worried about the ridges on the  Tenga Iroha Kushi, if I’m honest. I thought they’d be a deal breaker. I knew that the Iroha line has a unique silicone skin that feels like literally nothing else on the market, and that the ridges would still be pliable, but I dislike ridge texture on my sex toys and really hate anything that makes my sex toys harder to clean. Let’s face it, I’m pretty lazy. I don’t want to need more than my sex toy wipes or a quick rinse under the faucet to clean up a toy. But given the way I used the Kushi I didn’t get a lot of fluids into the deeper portion of the ridges so while clean-up was sometimes more effort than I wanted it to be, it wasn’t horrible. I think that they could have achieved the same visual appeal without such pronounced ridges. The way I use the Kushi meant that I never felt the ridges. Although I guess that when I use it whilst holding it (versus my other more lazy method described further down) the ridges did make it easier to grip, so there’s that….

Tenga Iroha Kushi is Smooshy. Squishy!

A lot of people dislike using hard vibrators, and even most small silicone vibrators are hard – they just have a silicone skin over a hard plastic body. So the entire Tenga Iroha line has really been something amazing for many folks who need to try a little tenderness. But the Tenga Iroha Kushi, and really all of the Iroha+ line, have been the first to impress me with squish AND power.

Imagine you have a soft, new piece of posterputty. Maybe Plah-doh. That’s what squeezing the tip of the Iroha Kushi is like. It’s pliable, soft, and moves with you when you use the tip to rub around the clitoris. There’s squish at the top of the “dome”, where the ridges are the most intense. There’s squish around the edges at the bottom, on what I’ll call the “front” portion, which is closer to the tiny tip. But it’s not a big vibrating marshmallow and can you press in with fingers and feel the hard inner bits. I haven’t been able to discern this when my vulva and clitoris are in contact with the vibrator. I could apply pressure and didn’t feel like the softness impeded anything or dampened the vibrations. BIG PLUS.

Impressive Vibrations

One test for me is whether or not I can nestle a vibrator in between my outer labia whilst sitting at my computer (my usual time and place for masturbation) and still love it. This positioning often dampens the vibrations of lesser species because of all the flesh surrounding the sex toy. With the Tenga Iroha Kushi I can situate it so that the tip is against my most sensitive spot and the rest of the body is hitting the area around my clitoris – so it’s kind of a combination of pinpoint with slightly-broad stimulation? And it works so fabulously well. The vibrations are not the most rumbly out there and I do detect a nuance of buzz at the upper levels but it’s not enough to bother me (and I feel like I have my buzzdar pretty well honed by now). However I still am gonna classify the Iroha+ line as rumbly and a great improvement over all other Iroha products. Good job, Tenga! It’s also super quiet – in the video above I turned it on during the last few moments and it’s pretty hard to hear the motor.

The motor really seems to be focused in the tip, and I didn’t get as much intense power if I tried using the ridged broad top of the Kushi as I did when I used the tip – but it’s still a nice amount of power there. And because the tip is so pinpoint, the vibrations feel more concentrated and for my clitoris this was a big win – I could target that one little spot on the right and orgasms were effortless and fairly intense. Another thing I love: with the motor so close to that tip, I don’t feel much vibration at the back end where I hold it, so it won’t make your fingers itchy with extended use.

Easy Charging and Storage

Tenga Iroha Kushi Terrarium ClocheLike with all of the soft Iroha line, the charger is part of the storage box – magnetic, easy and foolproof. The very sturdy thick plastic box has a clear top and a black bottom which I really wish I could paint a shade of blue or something. I feel like you could stick a few beachy things inside the storage case and make like it’s a little ….. well…. beach terrarium except without living things? As you can see from a photo I shot months ago, the Kushi blends in well with seashore themed things and when I posted the photo on Twitter a lot of people didn’t know where the vibrator was. So yeah I felt compelled to terrarium it up here.

I should note that at this point in the review I was looking for a word that better described a decorative display of little things under a glass dome, and someone suggested terrarium and I’m like no that’s really about plants and stuff right? and then I lost two hours on Etsy looking at the adorbs terrariums out there and imagined filling my house with them because maybe those I can’t kill? I’m fawning over these terrariums with miniature landscapes, these more modern air plant terrariums, and more. Someone rescue me.  Or make me a deep forest terrarium that I can insert this into and I’ll be happy.


Please note: the black portion of the case is the charging base and it can be charged with the lid on. Contrary to the vague descriptions the manufacturer makes in their copy, the charging base does need to be plugged in, it’s not like it’s got a battery in it that you can charge up like an external phone power pack or something. But man, wouldn’t that be really cool if it did?!?!

Here’s the long and short of it: I really love the Tenga Iroha Kushi. It’s not Tango powerful, but it’s still enough for me. It’s nice to hold, it’s adorable to look at and therefore super discreet. It’s waterproof so cleaning is easy. I’m digging the vibrations, the placement of the motor and how easy it is to use. I’d say the only thing I don’t love is the price: $129 currently at SheVibe.com. But it’s a quality product from a reputable company and I really feel good about telling you to buy this.

Tenga sent me this amazing lil vibrator in exchange for my very honest review. You can purchase the Tenga Iroha Kushi from my favorite retailer, Shevibe.com. I’ll be reviewing the more oddly-shaped Yoru soon, but will tell you now I don’t love it nearly as much as I love the Kushi.


 Posted by at 12:05 pm
Jul 192016

Satisfyer Pro 2 review

Update 7/21/16: A few things about this review are going to be irrelevant, so please see the expanded update at the end.

I need to start off by saying that I’m a bit reluctant to like and recommend the Satisfyer Pro 2.  And no, it’s not because of the y-instead-of-i cutesy spelling that reminds me of that sex toy store we won’t talk about anymore. It’s because I find rip-off designs to be problematic. It’s because I think epi24 has a patent pending on the Womanizer and if they’ve patented “pulsating air” coming out of a silicone nozzle focused on a clitoris, then the company who makes Satisfyer is going to be in deep shit. It’s also because the Satisfyer Pro 2 is a fraction of the price and is waterproof, unlike the Womanizer. I have maintained in each review of the Womanizer that the price is way too fucking high. But the Satisfyer Pro 2 is $60 whereas the Womanizer W500 (also sometimes called the “Pro” version) is $220 at SheVibe, and the W100 is $160. Satisfyer has made every effort to be like the Womanizer, right down to a cutesy name, a removable silicone head with a cone nozzle and the “touchless” aspect. So the drastic difference in price has me skeptical, yet unsure at this point who to direct this skepticism at – is the Womanizer trying to empty our bank accounts, whereas the Satisfyer is much more accurately and reasonably priced? Or is the Satisfyer Pro 2 so affordable that one has to wonder what the catch is? Where is the Satisfyer Pro? If there’s not a 1, why is there a 2? Was there a non-Pro version? Who is this Pro – the user it’s marketed towards, or the device itself? Am I really this jaded? All valid questions, folks. 

Is the Satisfyer Pro 2 a copy cat of the Womanizer?

Satisfyer Pro 2 head vs Womanizer W500 headYes, this is identical “technology” to the Womanizer, but it lacks a little finesse in the end result. The Womanizer W100 has only 5 speeds but lets you push the power button to quickly return to the lowest speed if you need to take a little break in the intensity to slow down your orgasm that is potentially hurtling towards you like an out-of-control 18-wheeler coming down the mountain with failing brakes. The Womanizer W500 has a plus and minus button to explore the various settings. Yes, I hate the placement of said buttons on the W500, but at least the easier option is there. With the Satisfyer Pro 2 you have to cycle through 11 settings and then go backwards through those settings. I do not fucking have time or patience to cycle through 11 1 settings. And oddly the “lower” settings feel more intense to me because when you make the pulsating air faster instead of slow/punchy, the upper levels just start to feel like kinda-buzzy vibration. I dislike the upper few levels, yet I’m forced to experience them twice if I want to increase and then decrease the settings – this is insulting, infuriating and confusing. I loved the lower settings on the Womanizer W100 and W500 because, for me, they were great “foreplay” – they kinda felt like oral sex, and definitely felt different from vibrations. It felt also kinda like tapping or the most something could really feel like a tongue without making clitoral contact. Those first few levels on the W100 felt so good to me that I didn’t want to orgasm too quickly, I wanted to continue to experience the sensations. Only the first two or three settings on the Satisfyer Pro 2 feel this way to me BUT they still lack the subtleties and nuances of the first few levels of the Womanizer, before things start to get to be super intense and kinda blurry. By the second setting my lower abdomen is contracting from the intensity of it all, if that makes sense. With the Womanizer, either of them, there’s an obvious difference between each setting. Maybe a little less so on the W500 when you get into the upper intensity levels, but it’s still discernible. With the Satisfyer the differences between the levels are minute and so I don’t know where I am with all that clicking.

If we’re going to go with my odd, Lilly-esque metaphors, it’s like Womanizer W100 is the teenager, all slender and dressed in fashions that scream for attention; the Womanizer W500 is the adult with more power and a refined sense of style; the Satisfyer Pro 2 is the toddler just learning to count, loudly screaming the first few numbers in succession, rushing from “1, 2, 3” to “9, 10, 20, 100!” – while wearing a tasteful princess dress? Okay these odd metaphors have quickly gone to a bad place.  And yes, in literal terms, the Satisfyer Pro 2 is louder than the Womanizers. Same type of noise, just louder.

I prefer the body design of the Satisfyer Pro 2 over the Womanizer W500 which has always felt like holding a potato. An awkward potato. Yes, I also like the color better. It’s a pale copper. Maybe rose gold? It surely is less gaudy and ugly than the Womanizer W100 designs. It might actually match the iPhone 6 colors. HEY – IT’S NOT PINK! Surely that will please a bunch of you.  I think I also prefer the head on the Satisfyer – the opening of the cone is blunted whereas the opening of the cone on the Womanizer heads has an edge – that edge can be a little irritating when you apply pressure to get a better seal. Also: Fewer seams than the Womanizers. In terms of aesthetics of the Satisfyer 2 I actually don’t have anything to complain about.

I need to also say at this point that I’m already really irritated with typing “Satisfyer”. I hate that spelling. I hate it a lot less than calling a sex toy “Womanizer”, though. I hate it less than cliched ideas of what clitoris-owning people want something to look like. At least the design of the Satisfyer Pro 2 is more gender neutral? So it has that going for it.

Jesus Fuck On Wheels This Is Intense

Here’s what I need you to know about the Satisfyer: It’s intense. On the one hand, it’s good – it consistently gives me an amazing and strong orgasm. The kind where my chest looks sunburnt, my face looks like I’ve had 2 shots of vodka. But they boast that the “touchless” technology allows for multiple orgasms. I was able to do that with the Womanizer because I was easily able to go back down to the stimulating-yet-gentle first level and leave it there to ride out my intense orgasm. With the Satisfyer I’m playing a game of chicken with my clitoris, leaving it on as long as I can stand it before I yank it off post-orgasm. The Satisyfer Pro 2’s first power level is equivalent to about level 4 of 5 on the Womanizer.  The Satisfyer, unlike the Womanizers, is completely waterproof and they say that using it under water makes it even more intense – I don’t have a tub, but I don’t think I’d want it to be more intense. This is coming from someone with a self-proclaimed clit-o-steel, a clitoris that responds well to deep, rumbling pinpoint vibrations.

Just like the Womanizer, the Satisfyer Pro 2 doesn’t rely on vibration or true suction, it relies on pulsating air. When you combine this forced air with a nozzle that creates a seal there will be a tiny, teeny bit of suction going on but after experiencing an item with actual, intentional suction I can tell you that one shouldn’t buy a Womanizer or Satisfyer expecting clitoral suction.

Satisfyer Pro 2 compared to the Womanizer W100 and Womanizer W500 - who will win the crown?

I am really fucking torn on this. The price is easier to swallow for those who want to try out this new style of clitoral stimulation, but the high intensity is going to be too much for some people. It’s damn near too much for me on some days, to be honest. It has all of the subtlety of a jackhammer. If you know you like pinpoint clitoral stimulation and you know you want quicker orgasms without the build-up or you know you need high-intensity sex toys, then try the Satisfyer Pro 2. Honestly if the Womanizer didn’t exist I think I would feel differently about the Satisfyer (and I would love it) but it is impossible not to heavily compare these items. Without the super high price tag of the Womanizer I would be thrilled to see a moderately affordable sex toy that can produce such intense sensations while being waterproof and rechargeable. The Satisfyer Pro 2 has, without fail, brought me to an intense orgasm every time I’ve used it. My reservations are that I personally dislike how you must use it (cycling through all 11 settings and back again) and that it is a copy of the Womanizer technology. However for those who are less concerned about the political aspects of copycat designs and simply want to experience a powerful, focused clitoral stimulator at a price that won’t break the bank? I think this might be your ticket.

Update 7/21/16: Days after I publish this review, Satisfyer puts a blast out to the PR wires. XBIZ reports that the new version of the Satisfyer Pro 2 will be “90% quieter” but more importantly:  “According to Satisfyer’s Vice President of Sales, Jerome Bensimon, when it is activated, the Satisfyer is now more than 90 percent quieter, and the pulsation also starts much more softly, so that every user can find his or her perfect intensity level.” Hopefully I’ll be able to test this out. New versions supposedly available in August.

My thanks to Shevibe for sending me a Satisfyer Pro 2 in exchange for my unfailingly honest review. SheVibe is also the generous sponsor of my upcoming trip to Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit 2016.



  1. really, 20, if I want to try out a little more and then get back to the first setting
 Posted by at 4:51 pm
Jun 122016

Good Clean Love Almost Naked Personal LubricantI’ve never been one to really review lubes, but ever since The Great Lubecation of 2015 sprouted my Big Lube Guide and a sparked activism for non-irritating body-safe lubes, I’ve begun collecting some of the better brands to find some water-based lubes to love. My previous favorites have been coconut oil and hybrid lubes, specifically Sliquid Silk, for their longevity and ability to still play nice with all of my toys. But water-based lubes deserve love, too, and Good Clean Love Almost Naked gets my love.

What I Don’t Like

I’ll say this early and get it out of the way: there’s only one thing I dislike about Good Clean Love Almost Naked lube – that they don’t make an anal-friendly version with a higher pH. Thing 27 I learned last year is that water-based lubes need to consider pH and what’s good for the vagina isn’t always good for the ass. A lube that has a pH that is too low will potentially feel irritating and may sting/burn. A normal pH range for the vagina is anywhere from 3.5-7, which the butt ranks in at 6. Higher vaginal pH can be associated with lower estrogen levels (and infection, but not always). I’d recommend starting off with the 1.5oz tube first to see how your body reacts.

When I look at the GCL site I see a lot of reviews saying how it “burns half the time” – this is possibly because your vaginal pH changes with your cycle, and they are using it during a time in their cycle when their pH is up around a 6 or 7, perhaps. Again, this is why I wish GCL would make a higher-pH version because then those that love it half the time could love it all the time by having one for their variances throughout the month. If you want to find out if the pH factor is an issue, consider testing your own pH at various times of the month to get a better idea of lube compatibility.  Of course, this isn’t the only reason it could cause a burning for some people, but I’ll discuss that in the Ingredients section. I’m going to continue to hunt for a higher-pH thick lube for those who need it!

Why I’m a Fan of Good Clean Love Almost Naked

First, I like it because it’s thick. If you’re looking for a thick gel personal lubricant, this is it. I really hate runny lubes where I can feel something running between my ass cheeks – it’s distracting and odd to me. Good Clean Love Almost Naked stays where it should – my vulva, and my dildo. I can squirt some on and not worry at all that it’s going to drip off before I can even get the dildo inside of me.  When I took the photo below, the lube had been squirted on the dildo a half hour prior, and then carried outside and posed for a few photos. It didn’t really run until the wind knocked the dildo over – then it was more like “displaced” versus dripping.

Image shows a dollop of thick clear gel clinging to a light purple dildo

Second, I like the scent and taste. It’s warm. I realize that’s an odd way to describe a scent and taste, but that’s my brain, folks. It’s vanilla, but barely. Although they do make a Cinnamon Vanilla version, the Good Clean Love Almost Naked has a little something there. The taste is subtle and not lingering, but the scent lingers on my hand if I don’t wash it off (like when I tested it on the back of my hand). Some people have noted that the scent lingers even after a washing. I have chemicals sensitivities but the odor of this lube isn’t strong enough to bother me in the least. I only smell it if I bring my hand up to my nose. 

When it begins to dry (absorb into your skin) it doesn’t get sticky. At all. A little saliva reactivated it really well though, even when I’d let it completely dry. I’m really loving this lube!

The Details

Good Clean Love Almost Naked is one of the few lubes out there where we know the osmolality number – GCL is 269, and vaginal mucus is 280. It’s about as iso-osmotic as we’re likely to find in a lube. In case you need a refresher on osmolality, here’s my bizarre way of explaining it, taken from the Big Lube Guide page:

We’ve got three situations – the best is if the lube is iso-osmotic – meaning your cells and the lube sit there next to each other, happy, making each other better. They’re content. If the osmolality is low, i.e. hypo-osmotic, then the lube is like my Italian best friend’s mom – eat, eat! It’s feeding the cells too much water, and at some point they will burst. When does this matter the most? If you’re trying to conceive. Hypo-osmotic lubes would kill the lil swimmers. The most common situation is when the osmolality is high, i.e. hyper-osmotic. It’s the vampire situation – the lube comes in all charming at first and things seem okay. The lube feels really slippery, which is great! But it’s slippery because it’s drinking the moisture from your cells. When they have no more to give, they are dead and dry. The outer layer of cells will slough off and leave your mucus lining very vulnerable, like standing in a snowstorm without winter gear. STI transmission can increase and at-risk people are at greater risk for infections – this is the same group of people who need to use more lube than the average person. Diabetics, those with a compromised immune system, those undergoing treatment for cancer, etc. If your partner has Herpes, you’re doing everything you can to avoid transmission – consider the lube, as well. Stick to iso-osmotic lubes.

There’s more to love! (But wait! There’s More!).  Info provided by GCL, as displayed on SheVibe:

Good Clean Love organic personal lubricants enhance your love making naturally. They can help to reduce vaginal dryness and improve vaginal wetness. Our natural and organic personal lubricants are 100% vegan, paraben, glycerin and petrochemical free.

  • Reduces vaginal dryness, increases vaginal wetness- naturally!
  • No parabens, no glycerin, no silicone, no petrochemicals.
  • 100% Natural and Organic ingredients
  • Safe for latex, toys, and use throughout pregnancy
  • Protects and moisturizes sensitive tissues
  • Works with the body to simulate natural lubrication
  • 100% Edible and Cruelty-free
  • Recommended by healthcare professionals and sex therapists nationwide


Ingredients: Organic Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Juice, Xanthan Gum, Agar, Potassium Sorbate, Sodium Benzoate, Citric Acid, Natural Flavors

Aloe is very soothing, but some people are allergic to it, so that will suck. Some people are sensitive to Citric Acid which is often found in lubes that need a natural preservative. Both of these ingredients can cause a burning sensation, so if you have known sensitivities and allergies, give it a test first – just a little dollop and try it just before a bath or shower in case it does burn and you need to rinse it away quickly. Good Clean Love says that this lube is edible, of course, but I would want to lick up a big glob of it – it’s too thick. But I don’t foresee a situation where my mouth is going to be on genitals so soon after applying that much lube.

Off Label Use

One day I washed my cloth pads in a new detergent, not thinking a whole lot of it, until the next time I wore one I got the itchies. Life was pretty uncomfortable for a day until I was reminded that Good Clean Love Almost Naked has a high aloe content, and aloe is pretty awesome for irritations. It really calmed things down so that I could tolerate the irritation.


Just like there’s no one single perfect sex toy, no “best” that works for everyone, there’s no one best personal lube either. I really love Good Clean Love but I understand it’s not going to be everyone’s favorite. While I am baffled by the few on-site reviews I’ve seen calling it “runny” or “sticky”, I can only assume theirs went bad? Maybe they reviewed a different product than the one they owned? All I know is that is GCL is super thick and really lovely for me. If it sounds like something that would work for you, you can find it at Shevibe (who carries the most GCL products), Smitten Kitten, or Amazon – but use caution with Amazon. Make sure the “freshness seal” is in place (both the one over the cap and the foil bit you have to peel off after removing the cap).


 Posted by at 6:50 pm
Jun 062016

Review Round-up: 4 Affordable Sex Toys to Maybe AvoidIn my never-ending quest to locate affordable sex toys made from body-safe materials that aren’t terrible I often end up finding a lot of crap. The following four affordable sex toys aren’t worthy of a full review but each one has some issues. I really only hate one of these items. The others are just okay, with some flaws in marketing (do these companies understand the vacuum capabilities of the butt??) and odd designs.

Closet Collection Ellie G Ribbed Bendable

This is my first time trying something from the Closet Collection brand and I think it’ll be my last. I don’t know how much SheVibe would have sold this for, but it’s not yet (or ever?) on their site. Other websites seem to be selling it for no less than $60 which is fucking atrocious. I mean really, seriously what-in-the-actual-fuck ridiculous. This is Picobong-level bullshit pricing. Before I looked up the average retail price on the Closet Collection Ellie G I had it pegged at about $35, maaaaybe $40. It’s battery-powered, it has a cheap metallic-coated plastic handle and when you bend it, it just feels cheap inside. It has one button for its 10 functions (only 3 speeds) and is noisy as hell. The vibrations aren’t the buzziest I’ve felt, but they’re not all that powerful or anything I’d ever call rumbly. The gimmick is that it bends in the middle up to a 90-degree angle. Sadly it doesn’t STAY bent like that. As you get it inserted and start to thrust, it begins to straighten out. I also had to screw the cap on just-so so that it would work. Too tight and it wouldn’t even turn on. The ribs feel like they’re scraping my vaginal wall; like maybe I should take it with me to my next pap smear – it’s that scrapey.


I’d heard some rumors that the material was a bit suspect – it felt weird, and smelled bad. When I first opened it, it did smell quite “fragrant” but that dissipated in a few days. The silicone is silky and dust-resistant, but there’s no oily residue. After I was sure that I never want to use this piece of crap again, I dissected it and flame-tested it. So it’s silicone; at least it has that going for it.

Sinclair Institute Select Onyx P-Spot Wand

First I have to tell you this: I don’t really feel comfortable telling you that this is anal safe. I mean yeah, the Njoy Pure Wand is anal safe and I think was first designed for prostate massage, but what is the deciding factor on baseless butt toys? Will something with a certain degree of a curve not get sucked up inside the rectum? Does it have to be of a certain length? Do the balls on each end of the Pure Wand acts as stoppers? I just don’t know.

I reviewed this as a G-spot dildo. They already have a G-spot dildo, but the sizes and styles are so similar that I figured it didn’t matter which I chose. The G-Spot version is 6″ in length, supposedly, and 1.25″ width whereas the Onyx P-spot dildo is 5.75″ in length and 1″ wide. I’ve seen reviews of the G-Spot dildo calling it “tiny”; 1.25″ isn’t super tiny in my book, but 6″ is on the shorter end for some people. However with glass there is always a quarter inch leniency in size, it seems because even if they don’t anneal it properly, it’s still “made by hand”.  I feel like the Onxy P-Spot is just too short for prostate play for most people, unless your prostate is located more closely to the anus and you’re pretty flexible. As a G-spot toy it was nice enough – I like that curve and it reminds me of the Pure Wand. But I’d rather it be longer. Bex has the Crystal G-Spot wand and when I visited them last year I did a polariscope test – surprisingly, there were no rainbows. There’s some stress, to be sure, but it’s not awful. And given the under-$35 price range for these, if you are looking for something small and slender then this could be a decent glass option for those with a G-spot. But for prostates? Avoid.

SinclairInstituteCrystalG  SinclairInstituteOnyx

I’m also undecided of the safety of the “etching”. You can definitely feel the etching; whether it’s etching or a decal, I can’t say for sure. I tried to scrape it off, but it wasn’t coming off. I don’t think it’s something that would bother anyone unless they’re sensitive. It’s better than Pipedream but I still have some reservations here.

Cloud 9 Silicone Pro Plug Small

So I wanted a Cloud 9 item just to see if it’s really silicone. They have a dildo that is under $25, for pete’s sake! And a lot of anal toys with that controversial “ring-pull” base. And a “double-sided” plug which is either bizarre or brilliant depending on how you look at it. But anal safe? Eeehhhhhh I don’t know about that!

Oh my god, do not use their anal toys unless you definitely have a finger completely through the ring-pull, up to your third knuckle. The ring-pull is made of silicone. Stretchy silicone. What’s even more bizarre is that because they insisted on having this fucking “cloud” design going, the stretchy silicone ring is fairly thin in one part. Thin enough that when I stretch it, I become concerned and it’s shown signs of wear. But silicone is more hardy than rubber so fingers crossed it’ll be fine. If your fingers aren’t too large, then it won’t be uncomfortable to wear; it could be potentially used with success if it’s on your thumb or finger while manually stimulating someone’s clit. The plug could then go in their butt or vag. It could be something interesting to use on yourself in this manner, possibly? I only have the small plug just because I wanted to flame test, so it did nothing for me but hey, maybe a bigger plug could?

Cloud9Plug1  Cloud9Plug2

Sadly Cloud 9 has a set of silicone beads that could be nice, if they didn’t have that elastic ring pull. Then there’s the vibrating plug which, thanks to the bullet, leaves no room for it to go on your finger like a ring which means….don’t you dare put this in your ass. If it’s not on your finger….goodbye butt toy. The silicone is very silky and dust-resistant, though. So there’s that. And yes, it passed the flame test but wow….so little thought went into anal safety here.

Packer Gear Kisser Silicone 6″ Suction Cup G-Spot Dildo

I think I dislike this one the least. But my god can we cut down on the long-ass names? This new line from CalExotics caught my eye because it’s affordable silicone1. Why is it called “Packer Gear”? Well they do carry a cloth gender-neutral packing harness2 but these black silicone dildos are not what I’d call “packer friendly”.  The base is a firm suction cup. The bottom portion is fairly firm and unyielding. The thinner mid portion has bend and give, naturally, because it’s thinner. But these aren’t dildos to pack with. I don’t see it working out well, at all. The Kisser is actually a nice-feeling dildo, and I like that head (although it’s not very thick) for g-spot play. But packer, it ain’t. I’ve also felt stronger suction cups.

What they ARE though, are affordable silicone suction-cup dildos. My gripe? In the center of the suction cup is circle of silicone. The suction cup on top looks to be all one piece in regards to the dildo portion – there’s nothing that leads me to think that the suction cup and dildo were two separately made pieces. When I bent the suction cup around I heard this crunching sound, like dried glue being dislodged. Then I could see, when the suction cup was flattened a bit, a gap around that circle. Great place to trap fluids. I tried to pry that circle off, and couldn’t.  Then I got more curious so I cut it open. I wasn’t really surprised to see that in order to make such an affordable silicone dildo, they had to stuff it. Except for the plug being able to trap fluids, there’s no way this is going to fall apart on you. You would never get fluids inside to the stuffing, because of how they made the plug portion – the wider part goes into a groove inside the suction cup which is why I couldn’t pry it out until I cut it open.

PackerGear1 PackerGear2 PackerGear3

Some people may have a problem with this. The silicone3 surrounding the stuffing is thick and seamless. Unless you hacked this thing open you would never come into contact with the stuffing and I truly don’t believe the stuffing could ever come in contact with fluids. I don’t have a problem with how this is made, for the most part; just don’t futz around and be rough with the base in a way that’ll dislodge that glue around the edges like I did.  Yes, some folks take issue with the wording in cases like this: “pure silicone”. “But it’s not ‘pure’ silicone, it has stuffing!” Look at it this way: When you see a silicone vibrator marketed as pure silicone, do you say “But it’s not ‘pure’ silicone, there’s electronics and hard plastic inside!” No? When they’re saying it like this, it’s just a marketing thing, and it’s harmless. It’s probably a holdover from the days when they used to claim that a “silicone blend” was a thing.  In this case the stuffing isn’t something that could potentially ruin the dildo and unless you hack it open you’d never know. If this is necessary to produce truly affordable silicone dildos then I don’t have a problem with it, so long as the design is done well.


Thanks to SheVibe for sending me these items to try, dissect, burn and bend, in exchange for my unbiased reviews.

  1. Only the black dildos are silicone. They make packies, but they’re TPR
  2. Under $30!
  3. Yep, passed a flame test