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Stop the presses – There are Willing Submissive Women at DomConLA!

A Twitter friend pointed us to HuffPo’s article on this past weekend’s BDSM-angled con, DomConLA. She was specifically pointing out that RedemptionsGirl is in a few of the photos, but what I took notice of was actually some curious wording.

“…..who is a willing submissive at a dungeon party during the DomConLA convention”

I cocked my head and thought it a bit strange. And then when I flipped through the slideshow more, I saw that that “disclaimer” was on every. single. photo.

Except for three. The three that featured a submissive male being whipped.

” Domina beats a submissive man at a dungeon party during the DomConLA convention”

There is no distinctive wording here to emphasize that he is a willing submissive. Why? Why is there a need to state the obvious for the female subs but not the male? Why state the obvious at all? The article is about DomConLA – a highly respected kinky conference that has visitors from all levels of kink & fetish.Taking bets on how many times Consent was reference, inferred or discussed at length would be like guessing how many M&Ms are in that 5 gallon jug at the bridal shower.

Then again….the comments on the article are filled with ignorant trolls. It’s fairly clear to me that the aspect of ‘Fifty Shades of Gray’ that is “sweeping the nation” isn’t the BDSM aspect at all. It’s the “saving the man” aspect; it’s the Cinderella-twist aspect; it’s the “she orgasms on command over and over and over and over” aspect. The majority of the general American public is just way too judgmental to even tolerate a mere article on DomConLA.

“People often abuse their bodies because they feel ugly inside.”

“these people didnt get enough hugs growing up…”

“or they got way too many!”

“Maybe that’s the only way ugly people can get attention…?”

Not all comments are negative like this. But enough are to make me never go back and read anything else “sexually progressive” at HuffPo. Anyways these jerks aren’t my point. My point is that I fail to understand on any level why apologies, excuses and special words are needed to make sure the intolerant jerks don’t flip out even more about these “willing submissive women”.

Please weigh in with your opinion. Enlighten me. Because I’m not going to understand this all on my own.

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A Very Merry Un-Birthday….to Me

Today was my birthday. Yet it was also an un-birthday. What I mean is that it really wasn’t celebrated in any traditional sense. And you know what?

It was pretty damn good.

I lounged around reading magazines, and felt no guilt. I played my Facebook games. I made myself a wonderful steak salad for lunch. I sweetly asked for, and promptly received, copious cups of coffee from husband. Husband (who cleans much better than I) cleaned up the kitchen and hey! We have a kitchen table again! Dinner was lovely; I roasted some purple carrots, made a simple and creamy pasta Alfredo with the most wonderful cheese from Whole Foods, and topped it all off with sauteed langostines. My birthday cake was this chocolate mousse ganache confection from Trader Joe’s. I received birthday hugs from Husband whenever I demanded them.

Could it have been better? Sure. But it was a lot better than last year. So the only family member I spoke to was my mother. So what. So a number of friends said nothing of my birthday. So what! Those that did hold a special place in my heart. So I had no presents to unwrap. So what! Instead, I received a check from my mom and one from the in-laws and today I spent them. They’ve not even been deposited, and I spent them. So I stayed home all day. So what! When you get down to it I’m really not all that social and I don’t know if I would have enjoyed going out with a big group of friends. I did it last year before I moved and left my job, with work friends, and I didn’t enjoy myself at all (but that speaks more about those friends than me). I might have enjoyed a dinner out, but at least in cooking for myself I was able to make it healthier and I was able to make it all taste exactly as I wanted it to.

I bought this quirky yet adorable bag:

I know. They’re weird and adorable and make you stare and make your brain kinda hurt and they’re totally not me. I don’t care. I like the idea of confusing others.

My other purchase might seem fairly boring to most. 10 days ago I saw this video; a video many of you might have seen. It made me cry. It gave me hope. It came to me on the wings of an unexplained beginning of some sort of inner peace. All of sudden, about 2 weeks or so ago, I started feeling…..good. Mentally and physically. Mentally strong. Physically neutral.

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
‘Til it was a battle cry
~Regina Spektor, “The Call”

That song makes me weep. I cry the ugly cry. But that beginning fully describes me lately. It was a feeling. Then I had cautious hope. And this is my battle cry. I’ve started doing this program, done by the man linked in the video above, called DDPYoga. I figured that if a disabled veteran who couldn’t walk without the aid of serious crutches, knee braces and a back brace could do this and transform…..well then, why not me? Honestly about 3 weeks ago I’d started to give up. The outlook was hazy. I’d just come out of a 3-week long back spasm brought on by absolutely nothing. Everyone says walking is the best exercise but what happens when walking is really bad for your bones? Specifically my pelvis and my spine. I couldn’t find anything that didn’t hurt like hell. But then I saw that video and started the program and joined the community site for it and everything changed.

I can’t actually be certain if my deep-seated happiness started before I saw Arthur’s video or the day after but it took me a few days to recognize the feeling. It is a happiness that is not because of another person; it is a happiness that is deep in me, bubbling up like a volcano that is waking up. I can’t explain where it came from. Have the natural supplements I’ve been taking finally kicked in? No clue. I’ve found inner peace and acceptance in regards to other things, too. I sent off an email to someone and while they didn’t really need to know that I’ve changed and have let them go, I needed to say it out loud to them. I needed to make it real. It reinforced my emotional/mental fortitude that I’m experiencing and made me realize I’m just fine without them.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the other birthday gift purchase. A Yoga Rug to go on top of my not-yoga-mat because I sweat like crazy doing this stuff; it’s unbelievable to me that I can get my heart rate up and that yoga isn’t some peaceful, easy pretzel thing made for thin, lithe healthy folks. This shit is hard but it’s going to be so worth it. And unlike anything else I’ve done, DDPYoga was created by someone with the same back injury as me so everything is done to benefit the back. The other purchase was a “bolster” which I didn’t know existed. I’ve been using a latex pillow with piss poor results (smooth fabric meant I slipped off it and landed myself flat on the floor in what I dubbed the “dead frog” pose) because I have a problem putting weight on my shins or knees (kneeling/Table positions) thanks to the fibro. I normally would have continued on making do with what I have around the house but the birthday check pushed me to get something nice. After all, this isn’t going to be a passing phase.

So I am starting out my 35th year with a happiness I’ve not felt for a very long time, love from those that matter, an answer to a problem I’ve been dealing with for many years, a healthier lifestyle, chocolate cake, realistic expectations, hope and the faint outlines of promising future life plans.

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A rant: Your crappy writing skills turn me off

“Contrary to what some people seem to believe, simple writing is not the product of simple minds. A simple, unpretentious style has both grace and power. By not calling attention to itself, it allows the reader to focus on the message”
–Richard Lederer and Richards Dowis, Sleeping Dogs Don’t Lay, 1999. More Words of Wisdom

Journalists and book authors were once held to impeccably high standards in terms of grammar, spelling and content matter. Somehow our society has degraded on the whole to what feels like a 4th grade level. Sometimes it’s even worse thanks to the prevalence of “text speak” in situations where it is so very inappropriate. Hyperbole and a Half said it best (regarding coping mechanisms to avoid exploding in a ball of white hot fury): “When someone types out “u” instead of “you,” instead of getting mad, I imagine them having only one finger on each hand and then their actions seem reasonable.  If I only had one finger on each hand, I’d leave out unnecessary letters too!”

Scenario 1: I decided to read Fifty Shades of Grey recently out of journalistic compulsion given all the drama and controversy surrounding it. While I can appreciate the overall sentiment to the book, the author’s absolutely horrid writing skill and dreadful lack of editing (and seeming inability to pick up a Thesaurus) ruined the promising plot and eclipsed even the awful and baffling fictional depiction of a BDSM relationship. Read the reviews on Amazon; some annoyed readers took to looking up the word count for certain things on their Kindle edition. I don’t care to do it for myself but someone else did! The repetition of words is distracting to the point of ruin. I’ve seen many media bits about this book/trilogy that laud it as “well written”. This is well written? Seriously? I have many more thoughts on this book but that is meant for another post. Jeez. Oh my…!

Scenario 2: I was reading the report on CNN about the Army nurse captain who died during a Skype call to his wife. The original story has now been fixed but when I read it it was:  “(CNN) — An Army captain’s wife witnessed her husband’s die while the couple was engaged in one of their regular video chats”" Oh CNN, why? Who should be blamed here? The writer or the editor or both?

Scenario 3: I like my erotica. Let me rephrase that: I like my well-written erotica. I do not expect something to be at the level of Anne Rice or whatnot but I do expect that you’ve read through it before hitting “publish” to pick out any spelling errors. When someone relies heavily on spell-check it is obvious! There is one erotica blogger/writer that I read despite the annoying spelling errors they refuse to care enough about. I notice the errors because of the tone of the prose; each error sticks out like a sore thumb. It causes me to halt in my reading like a needle being yanked off a record to figure out what word they meant to use. Oddly enough if it were a transposed letter, like writing “soemtimes”, then I would be more likely to not notice. But when one leaves off a letter (not/no, off/of, and/an, an/a, too/to) or screws up too/to/two or your/you’re or simply uses bizarre swaps like the/that it comes across as lazy writing. Unintelligent writing.

Scenario 4: Recently I’ve been editing on-site sex toy reviews before they go live. I fully understand that everyone has to start somewhere. Even I cringe at my early reviews for the tone and my childlike enthusiasm for some things. However….some people should not be writing reviews. Of any type, in any place. In fact they should please just stop writing altogether. Some of the reviews are so bad it’s difficult to edit them for better grammar without resorting to re-writing them entirely, which I’m not willing to do. I wish now that I’d copied the original bits from some of the particularly bad ones just to show as evidence.

 

I realize that most bloggers are not being paid for their words. But whether it’s a blog post or a sex toy review – don’t you care about how you look to others? A spelling error or two I can forgive. I’ve done it. But when it is consistently done then I stop respecting you. If it is done to the point of distraction then I’ll just stop reading your blog altogether. I also realize that many people are purposely writing to mimic the way they speak. This is fine to a point. And I’ll admit that comma placement still confuses me sometimes but when I see people obviously abusing it to the point where even I think it’s too much, I have to wonder about their intelligence. I’m not a “grammar Nazi” and I’m not a college English professor. I’m just a reader who wants to read words that make sense when thrown together in sentences and paragraphs. I don’t expect perfection; I just expect simple readability.

Read through your blog post or product review before you publish it! If you need to, read it out loud to aid in finding typing mistakes, run-on sentences or missing words. Polish up on comma placement (you don’t have to put a comma in a sentence for every time you would pause in speech); bookmark sites that have a list of commonly misspelled words such as lose vs loose or breath vs breathe (the latter is one I always screw up); stop using “alot“; learn possessive vs plural; and for the love of Pete if you’re writing about sex toys it is SILICONE not silicon. Another bizarre mistake I keep seeing is forgetting to use a question mark to cap a sentence that was obviously started in the tone of a question. Something I personally should learn to fix is something called “writing in the passive voice“. It’s how I speak and therefore how I write. Not enough importance is placed anymore on simple things such as apostrophes in contractions or capitalizing “I”. Another trick to figuring out if your personal speaking/writing voice comes off stilted/weird/wrong to others is to read through your writing and be sure to pronounce every word fully. Example: “…the reason for that is that Mary thinks…”¹. Say it the way you speak naturally. Do you change the second “that” so it sounds more like “thet” or “thit” and it rolls off the tongue quicker? Now read it again where both “that”s are the same and rhyme with “hat”. It sounds weird, right? Redundancy!

Mark Twain: “As to the adjective, when in doubt, strike it out.”

When you write in the passive voice or have run-on sentences longer than the average paragraph….with lots of ellipses….with alot of redundant phrases ….. can tick of even the most forgiving reader². There are a lot of helpful sites³ that can make you a better writer. Letting out this rant and researching the links for common mistakes has opened my eyes to things I do wrong, too, so I’m not proclaiming to be a perfect bastion of the English language here!

I also recognize that true blogging⁴ contains many moments when your text is your voice – or rather, your speaking voice replacement – and that writing in your speaking voice is more acceptable there (to a point). I’ve done it a lot and I’ve seen plenty of others do it in ways that personality, dialect and humor/emphasis shine through wonderfully. But when you write a post that you want others to take seriously, you should take a moment or three before publishing the post to the public. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to showcase a blog post as my Editor’s Pick on e[lust] because of the subject matter but bypassed it because the writing was just atrocious.

And finally, remember this: we are largely an online-only community. Your written words are your clothes, your power, your voice, your facial expressions and that by which we measure intelligence, personality and even attractiveness. Does your writing portray you in the best light? Please don’t underestimate the power and sexiness of intelligence.

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I’ve found a new secret to my G-spot

Or rather….my husband has. For the first decade of our sex life his penis alone managed to hit my g-spot over and over during sex to varying degrees of bliss. In more recent years he and I have done more exploring both with his fingers and both of us using toys. I never doubted my husband’s ability to locate my g-spot and stimulate the hell out of it; combining his skill in the last few years with a vibrator on my clitoris gave me intense orgasms which would be immediately followed up with vaginal sex that was then even more pleasurable for me since the g-spot would be even more sensitive and swollen after a clitoral orgasm.

But the last few times we’ve fucked he suddenly changed his fingering technique and he knew right away that I approved. It was more intense and amazing as evidenced by my even louder moans and screams and gibberish. His manipulations have frequently left me with the sort of orgasm that jacks up all the right hormones and chemistry to leave me euphoric (and sometimes to the point of uncontrollable giggling right after). But this? All I could say (after I came down from the breathless high) was: What the FUCK did you just do there because holy crap it was amazing.

Every woman’s g-spot is a little different, like a snowflake sort of. And just like we all like different types of clitoral stimulation, we all like different types of g-spot stimulation. So what works for me might not be a euphoric nirvana trip for you, too. But his description of his new technique and what he’s feeling has left me certain that the g-spot is not a “spot”, it is not a zone, it is more than just a differently-textured spongy spot of sensitive tissue in the vaginal wall. Whatever he’s hitting there is a thing, an object, and 3-D…. much like the prostate.

The first time he tried his new trick he “had it” for a bit and then “lost it”¹. Both g-spot massage techniques were pleasurable and aided in me achieving a blended orgasm fairly quickly but this new, intense treatment was just cranking up the pleasurable sensation to HOLY SHIT FUCK OMG ITS AWESOME^Y#~%@^(*^. I cannot duplicate what he’s done via my love, the Pure Wand. If I were smaller of body and longer of arm and generally more flexible perhaps this is something I would have discovered on my own but I think his position lends him a more unique angle of assault. For me personally my G-spot is right next to my pubic bone, therefore fairly shallow in the vaginal canal. He can use this location to a distinct advantage now² by changing his digital manipulation from a 3-finger massage (which I loved because it provided both a filling sensation and spot stimulation) to a 1-finger massage aided on the sides by 2 other fingers. He’s extending his middle finger to do more precision stimulation right on the g-spot. He’s going above and beyond that “come hither” motion to a more twisting, side-to-side-and-all-around intense high-pressure attack. I’ve used words that sound harsh like assault and attack but that is because this is no slow and easy massage; this is an intense treatment but in the most awesomely pleasurable way. He does this because he knows I can take it and I like it, but I wouldn’t recommend that every person try this on their g-spot-owning partner without a build-up and knowledge in existence that the person enjoys “rough” sex and intense stimulation.

Perhaps something else that is adding to this newly awesome mix is that I’m using a vibrator that doesn’t overpower the g-spot stimulation sensations. In the past when I’ve used the Wahl or the Hitachi with the Pure Wand I almost couldn’t really feel the g-spot stimulation. I knew it was going on because the pleasure factor had tripled but I could only discern clitoral stimulation. The balance has shifted a bit now that I’ve started using my We-Vibe Salsa on my clit while he’s doing this. Yes, it is a powerful and intense vibrator but it’s not as overwhelmingly intense as the big, electric massagers. The deep-tissue rumbly factor to the We-Vibe Salsa hits the external clitoris and the internal portion of the clitoris, while his fingers are ramping the g-spot stimulation up to 11 and probably also getting a bit of the internal legs of the clitoris which leads to me floating on a motherfucking rollercoaster climbing cloud of things beyond words. I truly can’t even come up with the words, that’s what it’s all like.

Don’t be afraid to try new things and go a little outside of your box. This g-spot thing might be hard to find since it can’t be mapped, but believe me it is real and with time, exploration, a good clitoral orgasm and a willing set of fingers and/or dildos you CAN find it. Oh and no, this new technique didn’t make me squirt. I don’t really give a crap about squirting anymore since it doesn’t correlate at all to the intensity of my orgasm. It’s not a goal, it’s not a thought to us, it’s not a checkbox on the list. And there is no “right” or “wrong” way to achieve orgasm or stimulate your clitoris or g-spot – you do whatever feels good to you.

 

Oh and if you’re looking to try out the new We Vibe mini vibrators? EF is having a site-wide 20% off sale, which will save you almost $20. And I think it’ll qualify for free shipping, too!

 

 

this post sponsored is by: EdenFantasys (What this means), where I buy my sex toys

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A Phthalates Experiment (or: I touched a slimy dildo on purpose)

Yesterday I purposely opened up a box of phthalates. Inspired by a video from Jennifer Pritchett, owner of The Smitten Kitten, I opened up a box that had been languishing in my 2nd-floor storage room for over a year with camera in hand to show you all what I might find.

Back story: A year or so ago when I first thought up my idea of sex toy education workshops I realized I had no manky jelly sex toys to trot out like the sideshow horror they are so I went to ToySwap to see if anybody had any they’d send me. True Pleasures had a big box full of things waiting to go to a sex toy recycle center, which included dead rabbit vibrators, dismantled sex toys and some nasty jelly/pvc toys. I didn’t open up the box right away because we were due to move in less than a month. Then I didn’t get around to it because of life and no workshops planned.The box sat upstairs in our storage room, which had no A/C for the first 2 months we lived here. The box of items had also been sitting in her house for a few months before it was sent to me.

As I went through the big box of dead sex toys I encountered various results…none of them good. The star of the show was a horrid-looking tentacle dildo from a company called Zeta Paws and who knows what the material is, but there’s definitely phthalates. It behaved just like the dildos that Jennifer describes in her interview – sweating, greasy and gross. I opened the zip-lock bag and the odor was even stronger.

Then I touched it.

EW COOTIES.

Well, yeah. Pretty much. I touched it on purpose. I wanted to show the shiny grease on my fingertips. And yes, I wanted to see if my skin would have a reaction. Others had reported many various reactions to me such as peeling skin on their hands (from a sex toy store worker), bad chemical burns of the vulva and vagina, or milder reactions such as itchy skin. I only touched the dildo for a minute and only with my fingertips. I purposely didn’t wash my hands for awhile. DAREDEVIL, I know.

My contact was minimal so the skin reaction isn’t some big, obvious deformity. Keep in mind that this happened because I directly “fondled” a dildo that was sweating out toxic chemicals for only about 2 minutes followed up by not washing my hand for an hour. This photo was taken after the 1-hour mark and then I promptly washed my hands for like 5 minutes. But the damage was done. You’ll note in the larger photo that my skin shows some mottled, pink irritation but also note that my skin on the left is both shiny (from the greasy chemicals) and dry – the dryness another sign of chemical irritation. The skin on my fingertips was also stinging from the chemical irritant.

The side-effects from my brief phthalates exposure were not limited to just the skin on my fingers. I developed a headache a few hours later and chalked it up to needing more caffeine. Hours pass by after two cups of coffee and I still have a headache. Fast-forward to 18 hours later and I wake up feeling….hungover. I still have a headache and I’m in the trenches of a fibromyalgia flare-up – triggered by the phthalates. There’s no other reason for a fibro flare-up – the weather isn’t doing anything funky, I’d been sleeping well this week and generally taking it easy because of the back injury. I am tired and achey and my brain is fogged.

Please, think twice before you use that jelly, vinyl, pvc or cyberskin sex toy. I know that many manufacturers like CalEx and PipeDreams and Topco and the like are all reprinting their packaging to proclaim their toys are phthalates-free but are you really going to trust them?? I don’t. Throw out your greasy, stinky sex toys and stop buying these questionable materials from questionable manufacturers.

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Sex Toy Journalism: Seeking the Truths of Silicone via Flame Testing and Confronting Manufacturers

What is Flame Testing and What Does it Prove in Regards to Silicone Sex Toys?

Flame testing a silicone sex toy is neither unheard of or common. Where did it originate, I wonder? Was Metis Black the first to do it and the sex toy reviewers followed suit, eager to seek truths where we were skeptical? In my opinion, a fair number of sex toy reviewers are reviewing for one primary reason: as a means to get “free” sex toys and perhaps earn a little affiliate money. They will rarely dig deep into faulty toys and will rarely have a strong negative review posted. However there is a smaller circle who actually care about what you, our readers, purchase because we were once the buyer and burned too many times and wasted too much money on shitty toys or toys that were harmful to our health. I will slap you silly¹ if you buy a jelly dildo.

You’ll hear a lot of manufacturers putting it down but the basic fact is this: Flame testing isn’t perfect but 8 times out of 10 it will properly reveal that a sex toy is or is not pure silicone ². Since the government will not regulate adult products, and the manufacturers are only required to have 10% silicone in a product to be able to simply call it “silicone” on their site/packaging, there is a lot of distrust floating around in the sex toy industry. Unless you are buying your sex toy from a trusted manufacturer, I’d suggest that you perform the flame test on your sex toys.

Why flame test? “Pure” silicone, be it food grade or medical grade, shouldn’t melt or deform under the heat of an open flame from a disposable lighter or match – a fact you’ll see demonstrated in the video below. I discussed this a little bit with Metis Black of Tantus in my interview with her. I’ve seen numerous blog reviews on various sex toys where the reviewer did a flame test. I’ve also had scared manufacturers try to tell me that the flame of a Bic lighter will melt anything, even silicone (hint: that’s false) and that it is an inaccurate test. Ok, fine. But who the hell has access to fancy machines and labs? Not us reviewers. So we do our guerrilla researching the best way we can. And here is one more basic fact: If a flame from a match or lighter, held directly to a silicone sex toy, will melt said sex toy – then what the fuck is Tantus using? Because their silicone products do not melt. In fact, neither does Lelo or Jollies³ or Fun Factory or We Vibe⁴. The fact that I simply cannot get Tantus silicone to melt or disintegrate is all the damn proof I need when performing a flame test. But why would I do a flame test on Tantus? We know their stuff is silicone. It looks like it, smells like it, acts like it. Tantus is the “control group” – the standard I’m holding things to.

What can you expect from a flame test if the material actually is silicone?

A number of things, depending on the oils (softeners) in the silicone. Tantus products have varying levels dimethicone mixed in that will burn and you will see a very pale ash left behind. This ash can then be brushed off and you will see virtually no damage to the silicone. It will not be sticky, there will not be a chunk missing from the product. Products from manufacturers like Lelo, Je Joue and other “luxury” silicone sex toy makers use something called SST:

“We [Lelo] use certified “body safe food-grade phthalate-free silicone” which is coated in SST (Silicone Soft Touch). It’s used to enhance the silicone, otherwise silicone will not be as smooth to touch or pleasant in the body. It’s completely safe for use in the body (liquid silicone) and we have the FDA certificate to prove that, but it may be causing the carbon marks you are talking about.”⁵.

When a flame is taken to these matte-finish silicone toys the material won’t burn at all like the Tantus dildos (and there will be little to no ash) and it won’t melt like silicone blends. The most you’ll see here is some brownish-blackish scorch/carbon marks. These marks will mostly or completely wipe away and the material will be unharmed. Again, there is no stickiness or material loss. The product is not ruined. You may see a change in the material that Metis called “petrified” (think Death Valley-esque texture) but in the cases I’ve had that happen, I was able to scrape that portion off using my fingernail – what was left behind had no visual or “structural” damage and no discernible loss of material.

Silicone items CAN burn but will NOT melt as a result of a flame test. There is a difference. But like I said, it’s not actually the solid silicone that is burning it is the softeners, the oils, the SST.

What can you expect from a flame test if the material is not pure silicone?

Elastomer, TPR, TPE and of course jelly/rubber WILL MELT to various degrees. I put flame to a SinFive Pikilo dildo because I knew what the material was (a non-porous type of TPE called WTP) and simply wanted to see what would happen. It would not burn no matter how long I held the flame. There was no ash. However, the material was extremely hot to touch and was shiny; it was also then pliable and could be deformed sort of like putty. The material did not disintegrate though like TPR blends have. The softer portion of the dildo had the most obvious melting. The bottom portion which was extremely solid and unyielding didn’t show as much damage but it did change the texture and it was sticky.

You’ll read below what happened to two “Silicone Elastomer Blend” products that were lit aflame. They burned excessively and the material was destroyed – it flaked off, disintegrated and what was left became sticky. There was the telltale pale ash of silicone/dimethicone burning off (the “silicone” part of the blend) but then the Elastomer behaved somewhat like the SinFive Pikilo: sticky, deformed, ruined.

Recently in the reviewing community some of us who know better have been looking at certain sex toys and just knew that something was wrong. They didn’t quite look like, act like, or smell like pure silicone. These items had the same common factor: They felt more like rubber/TPR than pure silicone (very pliable and soft feeling, very stretchy, faint odor). But the manufacturers were calling it silicone in promotional material, packaging, etc. Time to do some digging!

Flame Test Failure #1: Hold On To Me Kegel Exerciser from Bedroom Kandi, a line from OhMiBod

I spoke at length with Brian, founder of OhMiBod, regarding my flame test and the material of the kegel ball holders for Hold On To Me but at the end of the day he said that his labs say it is pure food-grade silicone and that his own flame tests did not have the same results as mine (mine are pictured below and shown in the video). Be that as it may, I waited until MomentumCon where I could show my results in person to other people who are experts: both retailers and manufacturers. Every single person immediately said without question: “This doesn’t appear to be silicone”. Brian had told me that flames from a lighter were too hot (incorrectly listing a Bic lighter as 1900 degrees; that isn’t the case, that’s a butane torch not a diffuse flame of a disposable lighter), that instead I should be heating up my oven to about 450 degrees and placing the black holster for the beads directly on the oven rack. Given what had happened during my flame test I simply was not willing to risk having this material burning and sticking to my oven racks. It’s a good thing I didn’t try that. I recently did a similar test while cooking dinner; I had roasted chicken in a 400 degree oven in a metal roasting pan. A few minutes after I pulled it from the oven I reached for the already-very-ruined Hold On To Me holster and simply pressed it to the hot pan. While it was no longer hot enough to deform the material and produce ash, it was hot enough to slightly melt it and make it sticky. That did not happen to my food-grade silicone kitchen utensils. While a pure silicone toy will burn a little bit after the flame is removed, it was never more than a glowing smolder. The HOTM went up in serious flames.

Flame Test Failure #2: Studio Line Vibrating Makeup Brush from Screaming O

The other product is the Screaming O Studio Line Makeup Brush; it was subjected to a flame test and it failed in exactly the same way as the Bedroom Kandi HOTM. There was destruction of material, flames, and in the end it *melted* – I had sticky, gooey black material on my fingers that reminded me of what happens to bike tires on a really hot summer day. Screaming O admitted via email that their product is not 100% silicone. A fellow EdenFantasys reviewer commented on my EF review of the Studio Line Brush telling me that

“the toy is made from “latex and phthalate free SEBS silicone, which is a silicone elastomer blend.” So, they don’t claim it’s medical silicone or 100% silicone. Elastomer will melt if a flame is held to it. But, even silicone toys should only be tested with a match, anything hotter may actually burn or melt 100% silicone.”

Um yeah, they do imply/”claim” it’s pure silicone simply by not saying that it isn’t. Right there on their website, as I noted in my review, it says “Phthalate-free soft silicone”. I, as the consumer, therefore assume they mean true silicone and that it is non-porous. But it’s not. Why? According to Screaming O:

“Our government says that a company can  label a toy as “silicone” if at least 10% of the product is silicone, which is how we originally came up with “what” the products were made of on our packaging.  After some thought about this, we too think that this needs to be defined a bit further. We are actually in the process of updating all of our products to offer detailed information on what they are made of.  We realize that our consumers are becoming more savvy and educated about things like that and want to make sure everyone has complete information. Please bear with us as we compile this information, update our packaging and websites, and get it all out to our customers.”

I called them out on it personally saying that it’s troubling and does not breed respect or trust in the brand, hence the response above.

At this point I cannot trust that anything Screaming O packages as “silicone” (as opposed to SEBS, if they even package anything that way) is true silicone and non-porous. I’d advise you to assume the same from this company until they change their shady practice. I’d expect such loop-hole marketing from the likes of Pipedreams, CalEx or Topco or even Doc Johnson but I was surprised to see it with Screaming O since I had heard good things about them.

Products shown in the video below are listed in the order they’re shown: Pleasure Dome Hitachi cap from DownUnder Toys; Lelo Tor II cock ring; Bedroom Kandi Hold on To Me kegel ball holster; Silk Small dildo from Tantus; Super Soft Stretchy C-Ring from Tantus; Fun Factory Ellove. The Pleasure Dome was chosen because the material is thinner and stretchier than the dildos. The Tantus items chosen as “control group” pieces. The Lelo and the Fun Factory were chosen to show what happens to silicone coated with the silky, matte-finish liquid silicone product.

 So I’ve now had two companies scoff at the Flame Test, claiming it is unreliable and impossible to achieve similar results every time (except…I did) and these two companies have both said that the flame is too hot (except that one company’s product didn’t melt and one did, and the Tantus didn’t). Metis still stands by the flame test but admits that there are more accurate tests – they’re just not available to consumers, however. I can get a little bit Aspy in my logical thinking skills, I’ll admit, but logic here is telling me:

1. The products known to be true silicone (medical grade like Tantus or food grade like Lelo) simply did not melt or disintegrate. I couldn’t make them melt. I tried!

2. A product known to be a silicone-elastomer blend, the Screaming O Studio Vibrating Makeup Brush, looked and felt just like the Bedroom Kandi Hold On To Me holster. The flame test results were identical there, melting and material destruction and flames.

ERGO and HERETOFOR (whatever): The Bedroom Kandi Hold On To Me that I have is not pure food-grade silicone as the manufacturer says. Now whether they’re uneducated or their plant is making shit up, I don’t know, but the experiment revealed that it does not behave like a pure silicone product. That’s the conclusion I’ve reached. You can make your own conclusion. It’s possible that since reviewers received a so-called “early run” of the product (told to me when I raised my first concern over some instructions in their manual, noted in my review) that this first production run was pushed out fast and wasn’t made to OhMiBod’s specs. It’s possible that Brian’s items are silicone and mine are not. I don’t know, I didn’t see photographs or video of the flame tests he says he performed and I don’t have access to a lab to test mine.

I believe in the flame test, and not just for “anecdotal” purposes as Lelo deemed it.

How to perform a flame test if you suspect that a sex toy is not a pure silicone item

For safety’s sake you should have a bucket of ice water nearby. Be aware that lower quality silicone and blends will retain more heat, as will food grade vs medical grade (my Tantus items didn’t retain much heat but the food-grade ones like Lelo did). Use either (both if you’re feeling geeky) a match or a simple Bic style / disposable lighter. I’m not sure if a standard Zippo (the refillable kinds) would be too hot, but the “windproof” lighters most certainly are too hot and should not be used.

As explained in a “further reading” link below, the temp of the flame of a lighter or match is about 600-800 degrees. By only applying the yellow/orange part of the flame to the sex toy you’re safely staying around that 600 (or less?) mark. The blue/white portions that are closest to the ignition source are potentially too hot. Apply the flame for about 5-8 seconds to a portion of the toy as close to the base as possible if it is a toy you would want to continue using. Let it cool off a few seconds and then view your results. If you see ash, wipe it off.

I’d suggest that you document the results. If you find that an item fails the test and the manufacturer is calling it merely “silicone” (since as Screaming O said, they’re allowed to do that by law even if it’s a blend) and not labeling it as a blend you should be ready to back up your public claims with photos and/or video. If you’re reviewing the toy, be it on a blog or as a consumer, and you have a flame test failure it would be helpful to the sex toy community if you’d let us all know! Blends lack the properties that we hold dear to silicone: Bacteria-resistant, non-porous, sanitizable (i know that’s not a word, shush).

ETA 4/11: Want an example of something that is a silicone blend that you’ve likely owned already? A cell phone “skin” case. At some point I’m sure nearly all smartphone and Blackberry owners have used the el-cheapo version of a phone case (hell, I still use mine) that is called silicone. You’ll see them listed as silicone skin cases, because they have some stretch and instead of clicking on like a hardshell case, they just stretch over the back. The soft material provides some shock-absorbing properties. These cases are the kind that are so soft you can crumple them up into your fist. Now you know what I mean? Good. Feel that, stretch it, get to know it. It’s a silicone blend. I just today light a corner of mine on fire and it acted like the Failed items up above, except that there was much less ash (so therefore, less silicone in this blend). The material disintegrated and got sticky.

Further Reading:

• What is the hottest part of a flame? (I applied only the yellow/orange part of the flame to these toys.)
• What is the temperature of a Bic lighter flame? (Those looking things up online and confusing “butane” temps with a simple lighter will refer to this for accurate information)
• Healthy and Green Sex Toys (Metis Black writes about her take on Tantus silicone and the adult industry)

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