Aug 302010

This post? Not about teh sexy. If you come here solely for that, this is fair warning that you can safely skip this post.

I’ve been living in abject fear for the last 3 months. The occasional moment of relief and self-pride, but honestly…..not much of it. Constant fear……of failure. Fear of tempations I won’t be able to resist. Fear of self-sabotage.

Why? I joined Weight Watchers. After a few health problems cropped up that may or may not be weight-related, combined with the utter disgust in the plus-size clothes market, I decided to lose weight.

I never thought it would be easy. I knew going in that I have food addiction issues not much different from a drug or alcohol addict. Except….I can’t just avoid bars and get a new set of clean-and-sober friends. I’ve broken down in tears numerous times. I’ve completely lost my shit because I wanted something and knew I couldn’t have it because it was *just that bad for me*.

I take comfort in numbers, logic and science. I like knowing how things work, and why. I like numbers that keep tabs on things, give me comparison points, etc. In many aspects of my life. And with this attempt at Weight Watchers, I’m embracing the numbers and using the fact that I’m always online and at my computer to make the most out of their e-tools (I don’t go ot meetings). But when the logic and reason don’t add up to the numbers? I lose it. I lose my grip, my sanity, my “I can do this”. When I look at what I’ve eaten for the week, when I look at all I’ve changed in my diet, when I think about the exercise…..and then the scale doesn’t give me a proper hearty congratulations? I lose it. I lean heavily on my bestfriend R because he’s got the knowledge and intelligence to explain the why’s and the nonsensical to me so that even though I don’t *like* the answer, I can take comfort in having an answer.I keep trying to find a pattern between how many points I’ve consumed, how many I’ve earned with exercise, and how much I lost. I can’t find a pattern. I can’t find a certain angle to work to get the best weight loss numbers consistently (or mostly consistently) each week.

Right now I’m hovering in the 22-25 pound loss range. I’ve had two bad food weekends and despite now taking a water aerobics class, it’s not making up for the bad weekends. I keep coming close to giving up. I avoid social situations that revolve around food as best as I can because I don’t want to sit there and be grumpy because I can’t have what my brain and tongue wants.

And please….before anybody attempts a “helpful” comment on which diet/lifestyle plan might work better for me? Don’t.

Don’t worry, this won’t become a weight loss blog. I’ll mention it few and far between here. Can’t say the same for Twitter though, those who follow me hear a lot about it to the point of boredom I’m sure. But I’m writing about this more to explain my mental status as of late, and why this blog is faltering. I’m hard on myself sometimes…..really hard. And when I fail, and when I can’t have what I want, I get grumpy. And man have I been grumpy. Cranky. Irritable. Pissed the hell off. But I’m trying to get past that.  In the past, one of the reasons I ate (besides my love of food) was to affect my brain chemistry. A burst of dopamine, a calming bite of this, an energizing bite of that…..and I can’t do that anymore.

Aug 292010

But I won’t be going there this year for the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar Party.

I’m 95% certain on this.

I say 95% because there is still a tiny portion of me that is hemming and hawing and thinking of just drastically shortening my trip and only staying in the city on Friday night. But then….$250 for a room for even just one night seems extravagant and silly right now. 5% of me still thinks that I’ll be missing out and be missed but I say this is all seriousness – I really won’t be. No, that’s not said out of self-pity or anything like that. Just realism. When I’m in a large group setting like the party, I tend to retreat into my shell like a turtle. My social anxieties come out and the wall-to-wall people makes me irritable and skittish. I’m not the social butterfly some might think that Lilly is. I don’t dominate the conversations, I wait on the edges until it’s okay to enter in. I defer to others. I’m kind of a model for the calendar this year, but not one of the big-name people. I’ve come to accept these things and I’m ok with not going. I kept inside all of the hurt feelings I experience last calendar party weekend, I only talked about the good stuff because…that’s what I do. I keep it inside. I put on a smile.

Also the thought of dropping money and frantically hunting for an outfit I don’t hate is not at all appealing to me. Next year, my choices will be broader and I’ll be in a better place financially, mentally, health-wise, and more. I and we have too much on our plates, and more wise/necessary places to put the money I’ve saved up, for me to justify going.

Another deciding factor against going is that a great number of the people I was looking forward to seeing in NY I will be seeing in April at MomentumCon in DC. Not everyone, true, but most. Hubman and Veronica graciously offered me their tour of NYC and I’m sure I can take them up on that at any time, party or not.

I’m sure that, while there might not be another calendar, there will always be some sort of NYC-based blogger event to go to in the coming year. And I already have a standing date with my friend to go and see his version of NY, next year sometime. I’d always asked him for recommendations on places to go, and now I’ll have him with me in person.

Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn’t fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it’s comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away.

~Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City (Season 4 finale)

Aug 262010

A lot has changed in the world of internet dating/chatting/flirting since I first started. And it makes me realize that in some ways, it’s still the same but in other ways….. you youngins have it easy!

A lovely chat with a very sexy woman who left me 2 VERY VERY sexy voicemails (more about that later) led to a bizarre coincidence. We both frequented the same BBS at around the same timeframe. Although this BBS was based in Iowa (ISCABBS) in its height of popularity it garnered users from all over the world. For the under-28 crowd, who probably has no idea what a BBS is and how it’s used, you really should go check it out. At the ISCA website you can now telnet to the BBS via a Java client. Go ahead. You can login as a guest and poke around briefly. It’s fairly dead now. Last night Emme and I logged on and found a whopping 19 members online. I can’t recall what it’s max capacity was but when it was at its most popular you used to  have to wait in queue to get in if the max number of people were logged in. It is completely text-based.

If you wanted to get to know someone, their profile contained, at most, their name and address, a website (geocities, anyone?), 5 lines for them to fill up with whatever ASCII-art or pithy words they wanted and….that’s about it! You could message them privately and instantly if they were online or leave them a message if they were offline. There were forums to read. It was all self-contained and text-based. There was drama and in-fighting even back then.

If you wanted to chat outside of ISCA…well…..I can’t recall really having a need to take anything text-based off of ISCA. For those people at that time, if they were online they were logged in. Simple as that. I did have my first phone-sex-with-a-stranger with 2 guys from there (using my parents house phone, back when long distance wasn’t free, and somehow free small-denomination phone cards could be found by the resourceful geeks so our conversations could be had for less money or free). My first girl that I slept with I met through there. My first (and only, really) foray into being a “cam girl” was through guys I met on ISCA. In very rudimentary ways they sent me money (Paypal was around but it wasn’t the big shot it is now, there were still a few other companies vying for the Title) and I got on my shitty webcam for them. It was a lot of fun, actually. I had a couple guys who (stupidly, really) paid for numerous sessions with me on cam or even for some photos. Niteflirt exists now to make that simple.

The other method for digital flirting was the AOL chatrooms. Not much has changed I suppose for that aspect. I started my first collection of soft-porn-photos by swapping pics with people I’d meet on AOL chatrooms.

It was all so very 1995 and so….bland compared to what is available now. Now you can log into sites like OkCupid and learn a lot about someone before you even talk to them. There’s blogs, Twitter, Facebook and before that was Myspace (which seems pedestrian now compared to the more popular social networking sites). All of this makes digital long-distance “netsex”, flirting, and even dating about a thousand times easier. This is sounding like our grandparents “in MY day I had to WALK to school 3 miles away in -10 degrees in the winter and across a frozen pond!” but geesh it’s true!

Emme and I had a lot of fun chatting and reminiscing and swapping stories of the people we met from ISCA, and even comparing handles (screen names, for the kids reading this) to see if we’d known the same people. I had to laugh last night when I logged into the BBS and found a number of people who STILL use the damn thing! And I know they’d been on ISCA for a couple years at least before I’d discovered it. Kinda sad, lol.

So please, to the over-30 readers, comment away and share your memories of when you first used the internet for naughty purposes!

Review: SinFive Burgono – A Suction Cup Dildo

 Reviews, Sex Toys  Comments Off on Review: SinFive Burgono – A Suction Cup Dildo
Aug 142010

Do you know how *few* sex toys there are out there that are both suction-cup AND body-safe material?

Not many.

Tantus has a suction cup modifier that could be used on their vibrators (remove the vibrating bullet and shove in the suction cup modifier and voila its a suction cup dildo). Some of the Fun Factory dildos have a suction-cup-esque base but I don’t know if it’s as good of a “hold” as a true suction cup.

But the somewhat-upscale company from Germany called SinFive has two suction cup dildos that, while not quite the perfect material that is silicone, are still very body safe made from WTP material – read about this material type here. Today’s dildo, the SinFive Burgono, is their smooth, texture-free version.

But wait. You’re wondering what the big deal is about having a suction cup dildo, aren’t you…..

Credit link:

Credit link:

Attach it to a window; tiles (must be texture-free and the size of the tile must be bigger than the suction cup); wood floors or furniture (must be flat where the suction cup goes); basically any surface that is relatively texture-free, paint-free and  flat. Et voila, your hands are free to be doing other things – to yourself or your partner.

The Good

~ Suction cup base which is removable – it screws firmly into the base – and provides a very strong suction grip to the proper surface

~ A body safe material

~ Versatile for vaginal or anal use

~ The funny looking base? Actually VERY ergonomic and fits well in your hand.

~ Comes with nice extras

~ Unique texture – very very subtle texture to it, but it’s not slippery smooth like hard plastic or some shiny silicones.

~ Tapered for easy insertion if you do not do well with large toys, or are a beginner.

The Bad

~ Personally I didn’t think it was good for g-spot play, given that the slimmest point is in the middle – where I’d want it to get bigger

~ The measurements on EdenFantasys (provided by the manufacturer) aren’t exactly accurate – they just list 1.5″, which is the widest girth….but you don’t see that width until you’re farther down the toy, about 4.5″ down in fact. The slimmest points aren’t even at an inch wide, and the top portion’s widest is at 1.25″

~ The SinFive logo band at the bottom of the insertable portion and above the base leaves a bad spot for lubes and bodily fluids to hide out, making cleaning and keeping it germ-free a little darn difficult. Teeny, tight crevices.

Bonus Round

~ Comes with a functional, plain but handy ribbon-drawstring pouch that is more than big enough for the toy by itself.

~ Comes with a sample pack of massage “oils” in 1 unscented and 4 various scents. All come in a little box and are teeny tiny adorable glass vials with reusable, leak-proof caps. The SinFive site doesn’t give a whole lot of information as to the ingredients of this stuff so if you’re particularly sensitive then I wouldn’t use these as lube, just massage stuff. Oil-free.

The material is pretty firm and doesn’t have much give when you squeeze it but it is a bit bendy in the center. It comes in Raspberry, Light Pink, and White. Despite it’s lack of girth for most of the toy, I’d still recommend this one over the Pikilo which scared the crap out of me. Those little bumps feel a lot more painful than you’d think just by looking at it.

Read up on WTP and all Thermoplastics here to find out how to best care for it, and what types of lube to use. For cleaning I’d recommend either Dishwasher Method or Wipe Down Method.

Thanks to EdenFantasys for providing me with this toy in exchange for an honest review.

Aug 132010

A couple more Formspring questions to answer!

Do you have a favorite ‘go-to’ fantasy while masturbating?

Usually I don’t fantasize. My mind is too much like a tv that the channel-up button on the remote is being held down, scenes/words/noises flicking by. Or I’m already reading erotica / looking at photos or videos or hot chicks (particularly hot chicks jerking off). But on the off chance my mind wanders in a singular direction, it’s usually based off this piece.

What’s your favorite part of being a sex blogger?

My favorite part? Hmmmm….. it’s the friendships I’ve made. Our community isn’t all rainbows and puppy dogs but I concentrate on the wonderful people I’ve met in real life and or those I communicate with often to keep me sane and grateful. Plus I can talk excitedly about my latest favorite sex toy with these people and not have them go all wide-eyed and “uh huh…..” and shuffle away like I have a disease.

What do you enjoy most about making to love to woman vs making love to a man?

*cringes* ok well no offense to the asker, but let’s remove the whole “making love” bit from the equation here because I don’t do that, and if I do, it’s with my husband. Everything else is hot, sweaty fucking. Can I help it if I share a deep-rooted motto with Lady Gaga? “And baby when it’s love sex if its not rough it isn’t fun.” Of course, I generally never got it rough from women like I can get it from guys but that’s just because I haven’t been with enough as many women. I appreciate the body parts and persona of whomever I’m with be it strong arms, cock, cunt, tits, etc.



e[lust] Edition #19 – Publishes on September 1st. Submissions will be accepted during August 19th-24th. The eligible post date range then will be anything published from July 28th – Aug 24th.

The Sex Blogger Co-op – I’m going to be closing down the location in the next day or so, so be sure to get the new address of the private forums and register! Just a reminder to anybody who’s a “sex blogger” and not in the Co-op….you don’t have to be a certain type of blogger, just one who blogs about adult topics/sex in any way.

ToySwap Network – TSN is staying at its location, I paid for the cheapest plan for a year. Anybody who reviews sex toys and wants to swap away their “not my favorites” toys for something bigger or better can join, just email me.

Wanton Wednesday – I haven’t been participating lately but I think that’ll be changing soon! I’m excited that we’ve got a good, firm group and some newbies joining us here and there.


Also, my hectic schedule is slowing down enough that I’ve turned my Yahoo Pingbox back on, over there in the sidebar.

Aug 122010

Remember this swimsuit?

It worked well for me back when I wore it for physical therapy.

But now I’m wearing it for my newly-joined water aerobics classes. Thankfully the class takes place in the deep end of the pool so class participants can’t see but I am sure that people walking around the pool could see, if they looked.

I keep slowly popping out. More than a few times at last night’s class I had to surreptitiously tuck my nipples back into the swimsuit.

It just ain’t cool. So this weekend I’m going to try and fix the suit. Perhaps by sewing the straps a little tighter. I can’t really think of anything else. Maybe sewing a frog in between the cups?