Aug 092010

I received a Formspring question that really made me think. I’m going to do my best to give my opinions, my advice, and then open the floor to my readers for their input.

Lilly, how do I go about telling my husband that I would like a lesbian experience? He already has issues trusting me. How can I explain to him that I just find women sexy but don’t want an actual relationship with one?

My initial response: Oy vey.

She really could have inserted anything at all after “telling my husband that….” because the biggest issue here is TRUST. Now, I don’t know why he has issuing trusting her. He could be jealous, insecure; she could have cheated in the past. The why isn’t important. It’s that the lack of trust even exists.

To the asker:

The first issue to be addressed here is just the need to talk to the husband. Get to the root of the trust issues. If you can’t, if he can’t trust you…..then you have way bigger problems in the marriage than I am qualified to advise on. Make an appointment to see a marriage counselor.

If his trust issues have no basis, if he is merely insecure about outside sex, my gut response is to direct you to Tristan Taormino’s famous book: Opening Up. It isn’t just for polyamorous relationships, it’s for all levels of opening up, even just “monogamy with benefits”. Both of you need to read this book.

Talk. Talk and talk and more talks. Tell him why you want these experiences. The base line for all of this talk is honesty. Lie about nothing, omit nothing. And if the two of you talking alone is not helping I need to refer back to a counselor. Specifically, a relationship counselor that is knowledgeable and open-minded about open relationships of all types. Tristan has a list on the site, The Open List, where licensed professionals submitted their contact info.

Readers: Have you been in this, or similar, situations? Do you just have some (helpful, non-combative) advice? Speak up in comments!

  7 Responses to “Ask Lilly: Talking to a skeptical partner about outside sex”

  1. I think if a relationship already has trust issues, for whatever reason, then the participants needs to focus on the relationship first and experimentation later. While there’s nothing wrong with being curious, this person’s focus is definitely in the wrong place.

  2. I also think she needs to consider that there is a possibility he just isn’t going to be willing to engage in this – I know my partner wouldn’t approve outside sex, and to be honest I doubt I would either.

    I say doubt as I wouldn’t like to say never, but still..

    Still, having a chat with him and seeing what his position on it all is would be the best plan, I think.

    LF x

  3. The primary relationship has GOT to be solid as a rock before an outside partner is brought in, otherwise existing issues, especially trust and jealously, will be magnified.

    Good advice Lilly.

  4. Oddly enough I had a very similar situation with my now fiancee a few years back. She and I were doing the long distance relationship at the time (we only got to see each other once every 4 months or so) and her and a friend were going to Chicago for a long weekend. She was very interested in her friend and knew that the friend felt the same way of her so she asked me if it would be ok to sleep with her.

    After she asked me this she did emphasize the fact numerous times that this lady friend wouldn’t replace me. That was the main thought going through my head when she asked and after we talked about it more I decided I was ok with it and told her so.

    Maybe that is his main concern? Maybe he wants to know he isn’t being replaced.

    ~ And here I always thought all guys would be all “woohoo girl on girl sex thats hot, take pics and go for it!”

  5. Great advice! If the trust isn’t there, they have no business opening up the relationship. It can be hard enough even with the trust there….but without it, well, it will just exasperate a problem.

  6. yes trust would be key…as I have started cheating, and have the appropriate feelings of guilt about it, I can;t imagine at this point starting such a conversation…interesting to think about though…maybe a do over? even though he doesn’t know, I know and it affects how I interact and react to him

  7. Thank you Lilly, and thank you comment-leavers. I appreciate your honesty. This was my question, and I don’t mind leaving behind the anonymity that Lilly so graciously offered. I’m just a little surprised to see my words in a blog post ;)

    Husband is always cracking jokes about me “wanting” one woman or another, but I don’t know how he’d take it if I actually agreed with him at some point. I have never been with anyone but him and I think he’s just afraid that if I experiment then I’ll leave. No matter what I say or do he still has this nagging “what if” in the back of his head.

    I’ve brought up the subject of marriage counseling to him but he just scoffs, as if seeking therapy is for weenies. I just wish I could be honest with him without having to worry about backlash.

    I’ll look in to getting that book. Hopefully it will help. I’m just tired of having to hide who I am because I’m afraid that Husband will think I’m some sort of cheating weirdo.

    Again, I thank you all <3. Your advice is very helpful.

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