Aug 302010

This post? Not about teh sexy. If you come here solely for that, this is fair warning that you can safely skip this post.

I’ve been living in abject fear for the last 3 months. The occasional moment of relief and self-pride, but honestly…..not much of it. Constant fear……of failure. Fear of tempations I won’t be able to resist. Fear of self-sabotage.

Why? I joined Weight Watchers. After a few health problems cropped up that may or may not be weight-related, combined with the utter disgust in the plus-size clothes market, I decided to lose weight.

I never thought it would be easy. I knew going in that I have food addiction issues not much different from a drug or alcohol addict. Except….I can’t just avoid bars and get a new set of clean-and-sober friends. I’ve broken down in tears numerous times. I’ve completely lost my shit because I wanted something and knew I couldn’t have it because it was *just that bad for me*.

I take comfort in numbers, logic and science. I like knowing how things work, and why. I like numbers that keep tabs on things, give me comparison points, etc. In many aspects of my life. And with this attempt at Weight Watchers, I’m embracing the numbers and using the fact that I’m always online and at my computer to make the most out of their e-tools (I don’t go ot meetings). But when the logic and reason don’t add up to the numbers? I lose it. I lose my grip, my sanity, my “I can do this”. When I look at what I’ve eaten for the week, when I look at all I’ve changed in my diet, when I think about the exercise…..and then the scale doesn’t give me a proper hearty congratulations? I lose it. I lean heavily on my bestfriend R because he’s got the knowledge and intelligence to explain the why’s and the nonsensical to me so that even though I don’t *like* the answer, I can take comfort in having an answer.I keep trying to find a pattern between how many points I’ve consumed, how many I’ve earned with exercise, and how much I lost. I can’t find a pattern. I can’t find a certain angle to work to get the best weight loss numbers consistently (or mostly consistently) each week.

Right now I’m hovering in the 22-25 pound loss range. I’ve had two bad food weekends and despite now taking a water aerobics class, it’s not making up for the bad weekends. I keep coming close to giving up. I avoid social situations that revolve around food as best as I can because I don’t want to sit there and be grumpy because I can’t have what my brain and tongue wants.

And please….before anybody attempts a “helpful” comment on which diet/lifestyle plan might work better for me? Don’t.

Don’t worry, this won’t become a weight loss blog. I’ll mention it few and far between here. Can’t say the same for Twitter though, those who follow me hear a lot about it to the point of boredom I’m sure. But I’m writing about this more to explain my mental status as of late, and why this blog is faltering. I’m hard on myself sometimes…..really hard. And when I fail, and when I can’t have what I want, I get grumpy. And man have I been grumpy. Cranky. Irritable. Pissed the hell off. But I’m trying to get past that.  In the past, one of the reasons I ate (besides my love of food) was to affect my brain chemistry. A burst of dopamine, a calming bite of this, an energizing bite of that…..and I can’t do that anymore.

  13 Responses to “I couldn’t think of a title”

  1. I’ve got an eating disorder. When I’m depressed, I binge like there’s no tomorrow. When I’m anxious or angry, I starve myself. Sometimes, I get stuck in binge mode even once I’ve managed to shake the depression, and it takes a serious amount of work to get back to eating like I should. So I totally understand how you’re feeling, if from another perspective.

    If you need an ear, I’m here. <3

  2. Sorry to hear that you have been frustrated lately.

    The amount of weight that you have lost looks like a GREAT amount and is certainly more than I have been able to keep off.

    I wish I could be more help to you.

  3. God, I so know what you are going through. I have had the same issues when trying to change habits – especially eating habits. For me, it was hard because I’m not a “group” person. So doing weight watchers was great in terms of numbers, but would never give me the kind of support I needed. I mean, I don’t need cheerleading – I need someone to listen – to vent to- to understand and sympathize with my annoyance. I totally get it as I always felt I should just stay away from people as it would be easiest.

    Let me know if you need an ear. I’ll be happy to give it.

  4. Hitting a plateau is horribly frustrating. I almost gave up on my efforts when I hit one a few weeks ago. I hadn’t changed anything I’d done, and suddenly I stopped losing. Remember that you’ve made a lot of progress already, and if we stick to it, we’ll start losing again. If you need to rant or anything, I’m here. *hugs*

  5. {{{hugs}}}

  6. Don’t give up honey, you’re doing so fricking well! I know you’ve been finding it frustrating but all good things will happen in the end :)


  7. I really like your blog. Have read it all now. It is so good to read someone who has both insight and personal honesty. Your command of the written word is also excellent.

    In 2003 I had a heart attack (unstable angina actually) with a raised troponin. also I have undergone major cardiac surgery twice. It was partly my fault for not choosing my parents very wisely and getting a bit but not drastically too big.

    In the next six months 64 pounds went away. Only about 10 have crept back ever since. The booze and good food are not to be done without. Life needs to be good and not filled with Protestant angst or Catholic guilt. I know you don’t want silly recommendations, you are far too intelligent for that; you really need to find something that works for you and to stick to it.

    Diets don’t work. Food restriction doesn’t work either unless you permanently change lifestyles. Two things work for me, one is a lot of walking and horse riding. The other is freshly prepared low GI food, and a partner who is a stupendous cook just like you seem to be.

    If you like chocolate, try more than 75% cocoa solid instead of the usual stuff. It is much less fattening stops you coughing, and might even make you happier.

    Best wishes

  8. Well, I’d like to say congratulations on making the decision and losing the weight you’ve lost. Next to giving up smoking, trying to change the way you eat and why/when you eat is probably the hardest thing in the world. I won’t give any advice ’cause I have none, I’m stuggling to do the same. Know that you aren’t alone and that you do have a cheering section!

  9. We’ve both been at this blogging them for about the same time, although you’re much more faithful and consistent about it than I am. I’ve always valued your naked (ok, bad choice of words here) honesty, and your bravery in always telling things as they are.
    This isn’t a peptalk comment, just a reminder that you have lots of friends and fans out here in the blogosphere, as my friend viv puts it.

  10. Yea I think swordfish nailed it right there – one of the reasons I enjoy reading this blog and following you on twitter is because of the real life stuff you get in there as well. Its refreshing to know that there are real people out there who share in the same things I do, and I’m not just talking about the smut side of things either. That real person angle goes hand in hand with the rest of the stuff and thats what makes it appealing (at least for me anyway). So I’ll spare the pep talk and just give you a hug *hugs* :-)

  11. Hugs and congrats on your success so far! Don’t give up, you’re doing awesome! I have an eating disorder, which is very close to what Rayne stated she has as well. When I’m depressed I’d eat the actual fridge if it were possible. All of the women in my family have that issue. When were pissed off or nervous we don’t eat a damn thing. Lately I’ve a grip on it, but I experienced a long depression about a year and a half ago where I wanted to wake up in the middle of the night and eat something. Anything. Just to feel better. So I did. Food is what always brought my family together, and it brings me comfort. I know how you feel about wanting certain foods, and avoiding social situations because of temptation. You’re doing fabulous on your program so far! And it doesn’t matter if one week you don’t lose anything because the exercise you’re doing is building your stamina, and will eventually pay off. Go get ’em girl! I’m really happy for you! =)

  12. I have lost a lot of weight the last year, and what really helps is to do this a way you can keep up when your done with your diet. That means also that a slip up is not a problem. You are going to eat wrong and too much sometimes the rest of your life, what matters is that you keep to the healty choices afterwards :)

    And about exercise… it’s a struggle every time to get on that treadmill. But when the adrenaline gets going and you hit a flow, it’s almost like that high you get while having sex ;)

    Loosing weight is hard work, pain and struggel so you have every right to complain and it’s so unfair when the scale dont show off all your hard work. But you can and will achieve your goal!

    Since I have been traveling and eating trash for days, I’ll go get a carrot for my next snack….

  13. I’ll focus on the positive and say congratulations on the weight loss! Keep sticking to the plan, you’ll continue to make progress…

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