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Why I Hate JIMMYJANE: Part 1 – The Form 3 Review

Subtitled: When you’re right, you’re right or I should listen to my gut more

Once long ago in Babeland I fondled a few JimmyJane vibrators and was summarily unimpressed. I read a litany of mixed reviews from the entire spectrum of “LOVE IT” to “DIE IN A FIRE” and had figured out that JimmyJane’s Form line was largely overpriced “luxury” crap.

I was right. At least I got that goin for me.

I had an opportunity to grab the Form 6 and Form 3 from Red over at ToySwap (along with the now-defunct Cone vibrator and a Metal Worx “steel” dildo) and even though I knew I was probably going to hate them I JUST HAD TO. The things I do for you guys.

JIMMYJANE Form 3

In case you’ve been living under a rock, the innovative design of the Form 3 is supposed to combine your finger with the vibrator for “enhanced touch”¹. Except…it really doesn’t. The motor is in the body of the vibrator, which is the lower half. Then the silicone forms a scoop that is just a silicone extension, sort of like a Rabbit Vibrator on steroids. The material vibrates but the portion where the motor resides isn’t what you press to your clit. You can put this “lip” or tongue or whatever sideways between your labia for a meh amount of vibration. But the design’s intention is for you to push your finger in the center there. The silicone in this section is a membrane and it feels like pushing in on a balloon. The problem is that as soon as you do this….and you touch your silicone finger to your body….the vibrations are practically nil. It’s a pretty simple theory as to why the vibrations are not being transmitted: it’s a piece of silicone material being vibrated by a distanced motor and as soon as you apply enough pressure, the vibrations nearly stop transmitting through the material altogether. To push through the membrane and have your finger-via-silicone touching your clit or your partner’s clit requires a lot of pressure. If you have any strength issues with your hand, any physical disabilities, etc you will probably not be able to use this. Arthritis? Carpal Tunnel? Tennis Elbow? FORGET IT.

So you turn the Form 3 on and you’re thinking “Hey…this seems pretty powerful!” and then you lightly touch the thicker sides of the scoop/lip/tongue and they’re “ok” but then you add a little more pressure and 60% of vibrations have left the building. You then awkwardly push your index finger through the silicone and suddenly 90% of the vibrations have left the building. I found myself grinding the rigid body of the Form 3 against my clit just to feel something. Except that it’s surface-buzzy for the most part. Definitely not deep or rumbly like the We Vibe Touch. The controls on it though are easier to use than those on the Form 6. Press “+” to turn it on and go through the 5 levels of vibrations; press “-” to turn it down or off, there is no “quick off” though. The bottom with the “~” symbol controls the pulsation type functions.

Even more frustrating is trying to charge the goddamn thing. It sits there, easy and cute in it’s charging base. The contacts must touch and they must touch just so. It’s more difficult to align than your average rechargeable computer mouse. Since it’s not magnetic it doesn’t snap into place and since the vibrator has a rounded body and the metal contact isn’t flat either you have an irritating game of the Weebles: JimmyJane Edition. Form 3 will blink at you like it’s laughing as you set it in the cradle and it falls over a little or slips down like drunken college kid trying to sit upright. After 15 tries and a few minutes you finally have the thing sitting just so and the charging light remains steady – forever. You won’t know by looking at it when it’s fully charged. No no, you have to pick it up and look at it for the blink pattern ² and if you pulled it off too soon there we go again with the goddamn Weeble shit.

For all of the innovations packed into this little thing and the hefty price tag ($140-150) it is quite possibly a bigger rip-off than any Lelo toy when you rack up all the fails. If I wanted to sugar-coat it I could say that “it’s a great tease!” or “great for foreplay!” but you know what? I don’t come to vibrator-land looking for a fuckin tease. My fingers already have that job. Foreplay? Tongues are the VP. The job of my vibrator is to get me from any state of arousal to orgasm. Vibrators are my CEO, President and Head Bitch of the Orgasms Department. I am not willing to pay $145 for TEASING. I get that for free.

The JimmyJane Form 3 is a clitoral vibrator made of silicone and it is waterproof and rechargeable and a large disappointment.

Who will like this: Anybody who enjoys buying luxury sex toys and requires barely any vibration added to pressure and massage of the clitoris for orgasm; if you require no pressure with your vibrator and like vibrations on the side of clit
Try this instead: We Vibe Touch – same size, rechargeable, luxury, much better vibrations OR Leaf Spirit if you don’t require strong & rumbly vibrations – moderate power, luxury, rechargeable, half the size of the Touch or Form 3, very unobtrusive.

This is enough venom and fire for one post, so the Form 6 will be talked about separately. OH HOW WE WILL TALK.

 

This toy was procured on my own time, however:
this post sponsored is by: EdenFantasys (What this means), a sex toy store

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The Best and Worst Sex Toys of 2011

Every year the sex toy industry grows and, hopefully, matures beyond jelly rubber/phthalates as their stand-by breadwinner. Sometimes the best innovations are not really much more than a slight re-do. The failures of the year include things that were never tried before – innovation was their downfall. To be fair, it wasn’t the whole “let’s try something new” that was the failure it was the “Did you people even test this shit?” aspect. Beta is fine for online computer games, not sex toys.

The Best New Sex Toys in 2011

I’m keeping this sub-list down to the best sex toys that came out this past year (or at least I’m pretty sure these did)

Vanity VR6 by Jopen – The vibrator that made me realize I could love internal g-spot vibrations. Sadly it is the only one in the entire Vanity line that packs the rumbly power punch – the rest have power, yes, but none are quite as Rocky Balboa as the VR6¹. It’s still not the perfect Rabbit-Style vibrator but it’s something I’m willing to overlook for how HOLY FUCK YES it stimulates my g-spot just by sitting there, vibrating.

Flex Double Penetration by Tantus – I won’t be using it personally but I do own one and have read the reviews. It’s a vibrating dildo with a rabbit-esque attachment of firm “anal beads”. It’s probably one of kind at this point. And it’s silicone, one of the only materials you should put in your ass! Use the included RO-80 bullet vibe for a little something extra or get the Tantus suction cup attachment for more fun.

 E-Sensual USB-Powered Bullet – My new favorite bullet, a close second to the Black Magic Bullet. It’s rumbly and it’s a powerhouse and it allows me to forget about batteries when I jerk off at my usual location – in front of my computer. It can be modified to grab it’s power from an electrical outlet  if you have a smartphone outlet charger and you’ll probably want to pick up a $5 USB extension cable if you want a little freedom from the cord length.

  Tantus O2 Flurry – Really firm core surrounded by plush, softness. Pure silicone, of course. Great base, good size, just all around awesome. O2 Cush for more girth is equally awesome, but load up on the lube. The base is a natural suction cup on the right surface.

   Honorable Mentions:

 Je Joue Mimi – Finally a rechargeable vibrator with a moderately-strong and rumbly, deep motor. It’s not ideal because the buttons are a bitch and for me the magnetic charger easily disconnects. It has flaws but sometimes the motor (intensity and vibration type) can throw out bonus points that make you overlook certain things.

 

We Vibe 3 – The minor improvement to the motor’s intensity and the addition of the remote are good upgrades for those that already like this toy or almost loved the previous version.  Simple, but at least you don’t want to throw it at the wall like some other couples vibes we know.

 

Sweet Embrace – Vibrations that get me off, but it’s poorly designed. I adore it for many reasons but none of them are what it was made for (g-spot massage). It’s an inexpensive vibrator that can be unscrewed in the middle for travel and produces fairly powerful, rumbly vibrations. It’s also a serviceable g-spot dildo in a pinch.

 

The Worst Sex Toys of 2011

Lelo Tiani and the entire Insignia SenseMotion line – The level of disappointment and frustration can’t even be summed up here. Lelo totally bombed here. Between the lackluster vibrations, the remote from hell, the fact that the vibrator just SHUTS OFF if you lose signal to the remote AND YOU WILL, and the high price tag it’s the most hyped thing this year that flopped so horribly. If wishes, hopes and dreams could rescue a sex toy from abject failure then the Insignia line as a whole would have magically been exactly what we expected. But it wasn’t meant to be.

Picobong – The whole fuckin line. Yet another Lelo fail. Marketed towards, I think, younger people? They are a more affordable line from Lelo that seems to be designed by someone not human². Typical buzzy & weak vibrations mock you behind the cutesy exterior, and every insertable model makes you want to scream because the buttons to control it are now inside you.

The Studio Collection’s Vibrating Brush from Screaming O – Touted as vibrators that could be mistaken for makeup in your purse. But oh! no! Better than the crappy predecessors! I don’t think so. What makeup brush do you own has no bristles? The fake bristles (along with “Screaming O” on the handle) absolutely shot the whole “vibrator in disguise” thing totally out of the water.

Club Vibe 2.Oh – Like the Sensemotion line from Lelo, Ohmibod’s wireless sound/music responsive “public” vibrator is wonky at best, according to all the reviews. Weak and buzzy yet loud and irritating. It had potential…oh they all do, really. But what club-hopping chick is going to want a fairly large hard plastic vibrator shoved in her panties when she’s probably wearing something skimpy and revealing?

 

 

Best Discovery of 2011

My best “where have you been all these years??” discovery that didn’t come out this year but I should have tried it ages ago: Mystic Wand. Gotta be honest, I don’t even touch my Hitachi these days. Or Acuvibe.

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YAY: A USB-Powered Bullet Vibe! BOO: Picobong Honi

I’ve been talking a LOT about sex toys lately, I know. Bear with me :)

California Exotics USB-Powered E-Sensual Bullet Vibrator

The other day while browsing new additions to EF I stumbled across this bullet vibe from CalExotics that is USB-powered. No, not USB-rechargeable. USB POWERED. I read the reviews, many of which made me a bit irritated so I immediately bought this thing myself just so I could get across one major point:

It can’t be listed as a “Con” (in the Pros and Cons of the review template) if it was never meant to do that by design. No batteries? No suction cup? WTF?

Moving along. A comment made by many people who commented on the previous reviews was “Looks interesting, but I don’t want to be tied to my computer” to which I say: “Why would you buy/consider this then?”¹. If I had no electrical outlets in my house, I wouldn’t even contemplate buying a rechargeable vibrator or a plug-in vibrator. Same same.

Okay, really, moving along.

THIS BULLET IS FUCKING AWESOME. WHERE HAS IT BEEN MY WHOLE LIFE?!?! And by whole life I mean “while I was working at my old job and used to jerk off at my desk a LOT“. I can’t even tell you how many times I would run out of batteries there; this would have solved the problem 100%. Now that I no longer am in that situation one would think that this vibrator wouldn’t be as useful to me, but you’d be wrong. I have to admit that the place I most frequently masturbate these days is at my desk. In fact I only leave my desk if I require the use of a different toy or want to use my Pure Wand (it works better for me if I’m laying down). Otherwise I sit here with a trusty bullet vibe tucked down in my panties / whatever I’m wearing while I browse my Tumblr porn and read hot blog entries and so on; I usually have a very lovely hands-free orgasm.

That is, of  course, until I run out of AAA batteries for my Black Magic bullet vibrator. But no more! The E-Sensual bullet vibrator is REALLY powerful. It’s so powerful that the rumbly-ness of the first level becomes a touch buzzy at the top speed (which is like, whoa, some days even I can’t take it) but it’s still getting me off fabulously. It has 3 patterns and, perhaps because of the rumbly and the intensity, I actually like and use the patterns. I know, right, who am I?!?

The argument of “I don’t want to be tied to my computer” doesn’t hold water for anyone willing to A: Shell out another $10 and who B: has a smartphone. My phone came with this nifty wall charger that actually has a USB-toMicro-USB cable. I removed that cable and plugged in the bullet vibe and IT WORKED. It was also even more powerful, if that’s possible. I haven’t gotten an answer yet from CalEx if this is bad for the toy. Then I did some thinking and remembered that my Bluetooth headset came with a mini USB-to-Micro-USB cable and a car charger that you plugged the USB end into. Voila! You can use your E-Sensual vibe in the car now! So we have computer/laptop, wall outlet, and car charger. ETA: I bought all the necessary cables and USB gender-changer adapters just to find out that it won’t run off of your smartphone’s micro-USB port. Sad, but oh well. We still have extension cables, wall outlets and car chargers! 

If you jerk off at your computer, just buy the damn bullet. For the minor faults that I wrote about in my onsite review it is still utterly worth it for folks like me. And it’s affordable. Even with the cables and accessories. (The cable is a bit short for many desktop computer users but again you can buy an extension cable for like less than $6 on Amazon.)

PicoBong: A line of cheap toys that are about as disappointing as I expected

To be fair I’ve only tried one but let’s be real here: I only need to try one. Epiphora and SugarCunt confirmed that the annoying Kiki ² is cute but weak and disappointing. Which is exactly what the Picobong Honi is: Stupidly designed, surface-buzzy as hell and not very strong. I knew this before I bought it. I did. But again, I think I wanted it just so that I could write a review that didn’t focus on using the goddamned thing internally. I mean seriously, why would you once you see the controls?? Just because it has a “retrieval cord”? Just because Picobong stupidly claims it can be used internally? If they meant for it to be used internally, why oh why would they put the control buttons on the side of the bullet? Is this suddenly now a game to see if you can clench your PC muscles enough and in the right location to change the vibration while it’s inside of you? Wow. Dumb. If they hadn’t actually said on their awful site that it was an external bullet it wouldn’t be quite so bad. They say you should set it and then insert it (duh). So if you wanna change it up, you have to take it out, covered in fluids, and change it? Riiiiight. And the indented PicoBong name and buttons are a bitch and a half to get clean. The cap also is really, really difficult to get on straight and tight enough for me to believe that it really is waterproof. I don’t see an o-ring. I turned it on and dropped it in a sink of water. At first I thought it was dead because I saw no ripples in the water (and it wasn’t very deep). But no, it was running. After a few minutes I took it out and dried it off, opened that cap and sure enough there was some moisture.

What do you get when Lelo tries to create something “affordable” for the younger crowd? You get a box that’s flimsier than the cheapest toy companies and a battery-operated poorly-designed dud. Lelo seems to be intent on never offering anybody any real stimulation to write home about. OH! And just to make you feel better about spending the money on this thing they’ve included a FUN DICE! (Die? Singular?) It has vague images of their various toys on it instead of numbers or anything. Which is…..I….I don’t even know. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this thing? Do they intend for it to be like Pokemon and we collect the entire line of crap and then roll the dice to come up with our playtime rotation? Because each one will come with the same damn die so you’ll then have half a dozen worthless dice. So you’re holding this thing and wondering what the fuck to do with it. You go to their website and you find where they talk about it, finally, and first you find a Pacman-like game on the site (yawn) and then somewhere (I can’t even find it now) there’s a “So what do I do with this die?” FAQ questions and their answer is “We were hoping you’d tell us!”

*headdesk*

The whole site irritates the shit out of me. Everything about it. Everything about the toys. ENOUGH WITH THIS “C-SPOT” shit! And to top it off, the toys are still overpriced for what they are. In fact, here’s one for $20 that’s probably better, but similar concept and design.

So there you go. One post, two bullet vibes, polar opposites. The CalEx (I know I’m almost choking endorsing something by them) E-Sensual USB Bullet Vibrator is fucking awesome; while the PicoBong by Lelo Honi Bullet Vibrator is an annoying piece of junk.

 

Post sponsored by: EdenFantasys (What this means), a sex toy store

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Ask Lilly: What’s the strongest G-spot vibrator?

Recently a reader happened across my review for the Jopen Vanity VR6 where I said that the internal portion of the dual-stimulator was THE STRONGEST vibrator I’d ever had the pleasure of feeling inside of me and it suddenly changed my views on internal vibrators. Of course, I’m still not going to like anything that’s not as strong as the VR6, but I can see why women do like internal vibrations now (I never did before, I guess I require more power there, too. Lovely).

Said reader asked if this was true, if the VR6 really and still was the most powerful g-spot vibrator and I still say yes: But the only drawback is that it isn’t just a g-spot vibrator, it’s a dual-stim rabbit style vibrator and if you don’t enjoy the clitoral portion then it does take away from the awesomeness a bit. Fair reader had tried out g-spot attachments for the Hitachi Magic Wand, knowing that the Hitachi is pretty fucking powerful but found out that all that power at the head doesn’t really translate to the same amount of power when it has to travel through solid silicone attachments. Powerful? Sure. Enough? Not for us.

So in order to give her some more choices I did my research and found this bit on the PowerBullet site, saying that all their PowerBullets and toys that use them are powerful but that two toys stand out as having a little more oomph. The VR6 is one such toy. The other one is a smaller massage-style vibe. I remember when I snagged another Jopen Vanity vibrator, the VR2, I hoped to find the exact same internal power without the clitoral arm to get in the way. And I was let down. But I know, now, that the VR6 is a unicorn. It’s rumbly and so powerful and so so good that it kind of removes your ability to speak.

BMS Enterprises, maker of the PowerBullet: I implore you and fellow toy makers to please, please make a plain g-spot-only vibrator with the power of the Vanity VR6. PUHLEAASSE. I’ll worship you.

All that being said, I also advised her to get the Pure Wand. I know, it’s not a vibrator. But in the absence of the VR6 I will choose the Pure Wand any day over any internal vibrator because it has the ability to stimulate my g-spot like nothing else. But hey, you knew that already if you’ve been around here for very long!

And don’t forget, their promotion is still going on so you can get this stuff on sale – the VR6 would qualify for 30% off!

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Sweet Embrace (by Evolved) Vibrator Review

Fed up with lackluster “luxury” sex toys I turned a curious eye to the Evolved Novelties brand. I’d recently written product descriptions for pretty much all of their line and while many would have appealed to me a lot more about 5 years ago some of them still give me pause. I don’t judge a toy on how much it costs, learning that harsh lesson from too many over-priced under-whelming vibrators. I settled on the Sweet Embrace, frankly, because of the combination of girth and supposed power. The fact that it has 7 functions and a dual motor were secondary. The shape of it overall and the size of the larger end also reminded me of a wooden dildo I love, the NobEssence Seduction.

When I first tried out the toy I thought it was broken. It acted like a defective product – the power button was all wonky, it would turn on and then stop, I wasn’t able to find the straight vibration and then I wasn’t able to turn it off. Tried another set of batteries, same thing. Ready to return it to EdenFantasys for a new one I tried a last-ditch effort with a pair of absolutely positively brand new batteries. Success! Turns out, if your batteries are lower on juice than you thought….the vibrator doesn’t know what to do with half-assed battery juice and just goes all random. Defective product? Probably not. High quality product? Probably not. So I have kept my original item.

The Sweet Embrace is marketed as a G-Spot vibrator. Therefore, meant to be inserted. The dual motors (and yes, there is a motor at each end) and their product description indicate that both ends are suitable for insertion depending on your size preference. But man that’s a big jump! The smaller end has a max width of just barely an inch while the big end has a max width of 1.75 inches. But here’s the other problem – it’s short. Which at first I didn’t think would be a problem. After all, the g-spot is located anywhere from 1-3 inches up the front vaginal wall so a maximum insertable length of 3-ish inches should be enough to do the trick. If you don’t want the button actually inside of you (being right at your entrance isn’t much better though) then the insertable lengths are a bit less than stated in the description on the site.

The bigger end appealed to me more but after insertion I figured out why this won’t work: the power button faces your ass and by the time you insert it so that it is more comfortable, with the widest portion resting back on your g-spot, the button is either right at your entrance or just inside of you. *blinks* Ok, fine. I don’t give a hang about the functions and we all know I only care about the top speed so I don’t need to hit that button, but many users might. The thinner end at least has the button facing your clit but the thinner end is also a bit shorter. The button remains buried in flesh. Luckily it is a silicone button with a raised power symbol on it so it is slightly better to push when it’s all wet but it’s a bitch to get to no matter how you slice it.

Ok so what about using it for clit stimulation, instead? It’s powered by 2 AAA batteries,  a fact that some of you may scoff at. I didn’t think anything of it, since my two favorite bullets are powered by 2 AAA batteries and they are gorgeously rumbly and powerful. I have read reviews that say that the Sweet Embrace is buzzy; for once I disagree. It’s a lower-pitched vibration, it isn’t itchy; it’s certainly more rumbly and powerful than the Lelo Tiani, Isla, or Mia; more rumbly than the Bnaughty bullet, the G-ki or Zini Roae; but certainly less powerful and deep than the Vanity VR6‘s insertable portion. I pretty much need the power and depth of vibration provided by the VR6 to make my g-spot give a shit about vibrations. But the power of the Sweet Embrace just isn’t quite enough for me to use as a clit vibrator. The larger end seems to be more powerful (so if you were thinking about enjoying more pin-point, forget that). With fresh batteries and on top speed the larger end could give me a clitoral orgasm if I’m willing to wait a little longer – I can get off with less power if the motor is rumbly enough and this is rumbly enough (the smaller end I might classify as more buzzy, though). I’ve figured out though that because of the dual motors, each motor is powered by one of the batteries. One goes into the smaller end, one the bigger end and you screw it together. If you were able to shut off one of the motors (since you can’t possibly use both at the same time because it is S-shaped, not C-shaped) and have the power of both batteries this would be much more to my liking. Plus if you are holding the larger end you’ll be distracted/irritated by the vibrating handle.

Many reviewers said that when used externally, the Sweet Embrace is quite noisy – it can be. The problem is that the motor, like in many bullets, is sensitive to angle. At certain angles it suddenly goes very rattly and loud. That effect is lessened when it is firmly grasped, inserted or otherwise “steadied”. I’ve actually been sitting here writing this review, clothed, with the larger end on my clit; because of the S-shape the vibrator can be more vertical rather than say pointing outwards like a unrestrained hard cock. Because the smaller end (which I find is more susceptible to the rattles) is firmly against clothing and the larger end is pressed firmly to flesh it isn’t very loud. Granted I’m in a room with two running computers so it isn’t total silence in here but I can barely hear the thing. If I change it to one of the pulsating functions then it gets more noisy because there are a few functions in which the strongest pulse is stronger than the top steady setting. Irritating, because I know it had the potential to be that strong but they chose not to. If I go to move it though it does get louder without the pressure around it.

Will I actually use this as intended, as a g-spot vibrator? Nope. Only because it lacks the power I need for me to really feel that internally. BUT I do quite like the fat end’s shape – that pronounced bulb lends a different g-spot-only quality as opposed to a dildo that is 1.75 inches around the whole thing. This bulb design offers the girth I want for easier massage of my g-spot but with a tapered neck so that my vaginal opening isn’t being stretched. Sometimes I want that stretched feeling all over and sometimes I don’t. I can see myself using this as a dildo. The more I think about it, this might be a pretty decent travel toy – keep the two halves unscrewed and the batteries elsewhere and it’s decently portable. Combined with my bullet on my clit and using this as a dildo I’d get off wonderfully. With this as my only toy I’d have to alternate between g-spot pressure and a long, slow climb to a clitoral orgasm (which means I’d have to be sure to keep a spare set of batteries on hand) but it’s doable. Is this a perfect toy? Definitely not. But I don’t think it will go unused. Which is a lot more than I can say for the last 4 luxury vibrators I’ve tried.

Don’t like pink? Evolved also makes this exact same toy in black but markets it to men as a prostate massager, the Provoke. I don’t think this would be a good prostate toy, though. Inserting the smaller end is safe because of the larger end, but inserting the larger end then means you have no flared base for safety. So there you have a fat, vibrating handle to hold, a max insertable length of less than three inches and a definite certainty that the button will be covered in lube and will require thorough toothbrush scrubbing to get it really clean. Oh and as I figured out, the button is actually the lesser of two evils for cleaning. See that raised crap there? WTF is that. It’s not even a logo. Anyways it is a bitch to clean. It requires a toothbrush for that bit.

• 3 speeds, 4 pulsating functions
• Waterproof (although using it in the bathroom would be stupid, IMO, if you’re at all concerned about noise levels)
• ABS hard plastic (silky, matte finish as opposed to shiny and slick) – click here for cleaning and lube info
• Single button – push to turn on to low steady, then it will move through the other 6 settings. To turn it off, you must press and hold the button for 4 seconds
• Rumbly vibrations that are moderate but pleasurable
• Travel-friendly if you leave the two halves unscrewed
• Give it a helping hand: Use fresh AAA batteries by Duracell or Energizer in their “more power for high drain devices” type (which are, yes, more pricey). Try a warming lube or one that stimulates the g-spot or clitoris if you’re like me and not an easy O. 

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