I mentioned recently some advice on What Not to Say to Sex Bloggers when you email them.

So it’s only fair that I show you that not only do I get my share of nice, complimentary emails – I also get ones that bring me to happy tears. Seriously.

Here is part of his email I received today:

I want to thank you.

See, I remember when I first read your post regarding the Hot Fat Girl Revolution. I found it brave and (humorous as it sounds) even heroic. While I’m certainly not a woman, I couldn’t help but agree with each and every bullet point. The other day, I decided to show your post to my best friend of many years. She is that rare mixture of beauty, seductiveness, and allure the likes of which one only gets to observe once in a lifetime (and if you’re lucky, at that!). Despite this, she is what society deems “overweight,” and she cannot help but see herself flawed.

I don’t know exactly why I decided to share your post with her. Maybe it’s because she was feeling particularly downhearted that night, or maybe it’s because you remind me of her in some ways. Regardless…As she read your post, I saw a gleam enter her eyes and a confidence flash into her smile that I haven’t witnessed in a very long time.

So thank you, Lilly. Thank you for your courage, and for making another sensual, charming woman feel just that. Your inspiration and example is a truly fantastic thing.

This absolutely warms my heart, I love this email.

But I’m no hero….I’m not without my flaws and my faults and my moments of weakness as I stand in front of the dressing room mirror. A day spent shopping is my Kryptonite, it will reduce me to a curled up ball of despair, sobbing on my husband’s lap. That’s a bad day. A good day is today – when I know that one more person read those words and felt a little more powerful, a little more beautiful. A good day is today, when I can look in the mirror and like what I see.

However, models and shopping and clothes…that’s a topic for another day. Monday, perhaps.

Tags: conversations, fans, hot fat girl

read comments (11)

I wouldn’t say that I get a lot of reader emails. Perhaps 2-3 most weeks, sometimes more -  sometimes less.

Some are sweet and don’t expect anything in return, they just wanted to compliment in private.

Some are a little cheesy and make me roll my eyes, but I smile nonetheless.

Some give me a glimpse of a person that I could enjoy chatting with – and some do lead to that.

Some are from greedy lil bastards asking for more photos.

Some mean well but missed the mark a little – one that comes to mind bore the subject line of  “Guess who found your blog!” and I swear to you my heart stopped for a moment. He was referring to himself and all in all it was a really nice and sweet email but that subject line….to an anonymous blogger…..whew!

Some try to jump right into cybering and sexy chat. Some ask me what bra size I wear. To those types I have one thing to relay: Have a little respect. Yes, I blog about sex. Yes, I post half-naked photos. And I do indeed have “those” sorts of conversations with other people – people that are not strangers, people that I clicked with. I get these kinds of emails a lot especially from guys on the message boards that I (used to) post on. In general it just rubs me the wrong way when “hello” is barely out of the gate (sometimes not even!) before the schmooze and slippery talkin comes to the table. YOU might be in the mood and horny as hell but consider what the chances might be that I am as well, at the same time as you are, and equally interested in virtually sating that horniness……your chances are pretty close to nil. I might be a sex blogger but I’m still a regular person – not a sexual automaton here to turn it on when you put in your quarter. Try a little intelligent conversation first – smart, eloquent, funny men get my attention right away. (Such as this one, which I had to share because it made me a little weak in the knees: “Your prose sparkles, and as a professional writer, I admire that; after all, there’s nothing sexier than a wicked mind.  Most blogs I’ve chanced across are the text equivalent of porn — all harsh fluorescent glare and workmanlike efficiency; yours is soft light on naked skin, the heady bliss of that first stolen kiss… and the difference, as they say, is ALL the difference.” THAT is the type of mind/man that can make panties drop with words alone.)

Some are…..I don’t know what their intentions were. But it immediately offended me. For example I got an email from someone who was just starting to browse sex blogs and proceeds to tell me all about these other 3 (that I’d actually not heard of) and how great they were but that mine was….well, I’ll let him tell you: “And your thing seems interesting too. But unless I am missing something, it’s kind of just a…”I am getting married and got a lab kind of blog, no?”" I was quite baffled. Think what you want of my blog, I don’t require that everybody likes it, but is it necessary to go that route? In the end it turned out that he somehow had assumed that my side blog (which is now private) was the “sex blog”…..despite all other evidence to the contrary. Or at least thats what he finally claimed after I lit into him.

In short – my tits are big. I know this. You like my pictures? Awesome, I’m flattered, but I won’t be privately adding to your spank-bank stash. You get what you get here, and thats all there is. Now, if you’ve seen an erotic (not pornographic) artistic photo that you think I could emulate for a future HNT, that’s a different suggestion altogether. Did my prose make you horny? Cool, it’s nice sometimes to know I’m not the only one – but I suggest reading more of my blog or reading more of my friends’ blogs to help you finish because I most likely won’t. At least not for free and I’d bet I’m out of your price range :P

But if you want advice? Want to have an intelligent conversation? I’m your girl. If it’s just a few words you can say it right over there in the sidebar, in that IM widget. And if you worry you’ll say the wrong thing – let me assure you, your concern already puts you ahead of the unsavory ones.

Oh and always, always….spell my damn name right. It’s Lilly….not Lily.

Tags: blogging out loud, conversations, duh, fans

read comments (10)

Listen up. I am sweet and sensitive, I am loving and loyal. When I care about someone, I will do just about anything for them to make them happy. Sometimes I go above and beyond – some see that as weak, some see it as amazing.

But cross me? Really offend me or go after me? I’ll cut a bitch.

I’m sure you recall Mr. Orgy, the Okcupid kid whom I tried to convince that he should show up for a “dogging” event I was setting up. I was truly going to keep going with the ruse to teach him a lesson. Until of course, he responded:

how do i know your not just ganna kill me….besides i dont got a car

*facepalm*

I twitched from the irritation caused by the poor spelling and grammar. And then I got a little pissed.

A female okcupid serial murderer? I doubt it. If you don’t have a car, then WTF were you thinking messaging a girl for sex who lives 96 miles from you?

Seriously? Not only did Rico Sauve think he could just hit me up for an orgy, but he thought the orgy would come to  him?

Tags: conversations, rants, real life, the dickhead files

read comments (16)

	from	Lilly <xxxxx@gmail.com>
to		R <xxxxx@gmail.com>
date		Wed, Jun 3, 2009 at 8:33 PM
subject		nsfw pics attached….her gift

Sir;

I shared with her the photo exactly as you asked, said what you told me to say, and nudged her to return something to us.

Attached are extra pics that I took, I thought that perhaps you would appreciate these.

The first photo shows that I had company. As I walked to my car I saw him sitting there in his truck, lights on. That car next him also has someone in it. They were waiting on someone I guess. So he saw me get into my car and start it but not leave. Maybe he saw me arch upwards as I pulled my jeans and panties down. And if I could see him in my side mirror…..perhaps he could see me, if his vision was good enough. He was two rows back. He couln’t have seen my hands  but he would have seen my face, the obvious face of orgasm.

I came hard staring at the cars behind me with this mental image playing:

You made me sit up on your desk, with my skirt bunched up to my hips and no panties on, my legs spread wide and my feet up on the desk on either side of my ass. My dripping wet cunt there for anybody to see and smell how aroused I was. As soon as a few men finally care enough to pause in their work they casually lean against the edges of the cube walls, arms crossed and heads tilted with measured stares as you show off your whore. You roughly shove in 4 fingers and then your thumb and start fucking me with your fist, hard. The desired effect….my gaping cunt hole when you remove your hand and unmercilessly press the bullet on high to my clit. My own slut is there at my side, one arm around my head in a comforting way. As I feel the orgasm begin, I move my mouth to her tits and paw my way through her shirt just to get my mouth around her nipple. I come, screaming, my mouth clamped down on her nipple. My cunt contracts and spasms and I feel the fluids running out of my wide-open cunt as the men, and you, just stare at me like perverts.

Tags: bdsm, conversations, D/s, fantasy, her, masturbation, microfantasy, Photos, R, real life, slut, submission

read comments (13)

The thing about words is that meanings can twist just like a snake, and if you want to find snakes look for them behind words that have changed their meaning.   ~Terry Pratchett

An outside source had sparked some deep searching thoughts in myself and some conversations between he and I about submission and then specifically my submission.

Our relationship is mostly  not about D/s. The basis is close friendship and in that we are equals. Sexually, I’m his submissive; I consider him my Master. But yet I still fight it. The following of orders. Orders I don’t necessarily like or want to do at that moment. There are even sexual things, fantasies, that I will go along with that I don’t actually like…..I’m doing it to please my Master.

Half of me says to that: WTF! Grow a backbone, sister! Your mind is goin about this allll wrong. You are being a doormat and you need to fuckin stand up for yourself!

Other half of me says to that: Pleasing your dominant doesn’t always mean it’s a bed of roses for the submissive. But a good dominant knows enough about his submissive to know that right now she’s not ok with it and won’t like it, but when it happens after the first or second time…..she’ll like it. And so far, for the most part, that’s been the case. There were things I didn’t want that I now think “ohhhh yes that’s hot, yes I want to do it – for myself and for him”.

I’m not really sure all the time just where the D/s side of our relationship stands (sometimes it is always there just bubbling under the surface, ready and able to pop out at any time but then other times real life intervenes and the D/s dynamic hasn’t seen the light of day in weeks) but I expressed an interest in wanting “more” submission. What is more? I don’t yet know. Perhaps in my ramblings here and feedback from you I can figure it out.

Mollena wrote up a very non-linear “thinking out blog” posting that’s kinda-sorta along this vein and she nailed it with the term I had been searching for: Obedience versus Submission.Except that her and I have different viewpoints.

To me, obedience is….god, many things I don’t like. The situations I have been in that one has to “be obedient” are always situations that make me feel demeaned. Looked down upon. Retail jobs are a big part of this. We’re taught that the customer is always right and all that crap. I took a lot of shit working in retail as long as I did. Both from customers and managers. But I had to behave a certain way. I had to curtsy and smile and say “I’ll do my best to help you” when I was really seething inside because they had treated me like a piece of dirt. When what I really wanted to say is “Learn how to fucking treat people better, you twat. You are dead wrong on this matter – quit acting like a spoiled brat and get the fuck out!” But…..I couldn’t say that and keep my job. Then I took an office job in which my boss was a scatterbrained tyrant who scared the poop out of me. Partly him, partly my fault – he’d demand such-and-such right this instant and if I didn’t know where it was in 2 seconds, I panicked thinking perhaps I lost it. Again, I was obedient and almost subservient to him and I resented it. I resented him and the job and the fact that I needed to keep that job. There were times when he treated me like shit. Verbally. Made me feel worthless and 2 inches tall.

R is naturally a blunt fellow in all aspects, even when we’re just in “friend” dynamic. He is not trying to be mean, not at all. But combine a blunt person with a person who is a bit overly sensitive in some areas….And then combine all that with his Dom side? It’s not always easy.

R: Go in and take a pic of your tongue on your own nipple. Send to her AND CC to me

me: ok….

R: tell her it is a gift from R

*swats your ass* go

me: going.

me: back. and sent.

R: then why don’t I see it in my inbox

you sent to her and CC’d me?

me: no, i forwarded it from my phone to you and to my email. from my email on to her.

R: I’m confused

me: she doesn’t know my cell number, she wouldn’t know who its from. so i had to send it from my phone to my own email address, first.

R: yes…and from your e-mail to the both of us? Or just each of us separately?

that’s the part where I’m confused.

me: from my email to just her. i sent it to YOU via my phone.

R: this is not what I told you to do, now is it.

and the pic is not the one I told you to take either.

I fail to understand why you “do whatever you want to do” when I give you a specific task.
it kills me, actually.

So can you see, then, how some areas of being a submissive (especially to someone who can have an evil unforgiving streak when he’s deep into that frame of mind) are big old red trigger buttons that make me want to set my jaw and harden my stare and say “Fuck you, no I won’t.” Or get bratty. Or try to prove him wrong when he makes a challenging statement about me.

I didn’t always want submission. In fact, until this past year, I didn’t quite understand it. What it did for others. Why it was ok and it wasn’t abusive, or how the submissive could like it and not feel demeaned. I know now, I’ve read the writings of others who identify as submissive and I opened my mind. But for a while….all I wanted was rough sex. Kinky sex. Hold-me-down-and-make-me-powerless sex. With R, that evolved. It still is evolving. I went from identifying more as a “bottom” no matter what to acquiescing to being submissive…but it’s only with him. I do not feel submissive with just anyone. It is an earned right with me. It is rare. I can and do crave the bottom role with others; the roughness, receiving pain and pleasure, not being the one in control.

I’m not sure what it stems from, but I tend to do things to make others happy. Make them like me? And sometimes I think that I rationalize “If I do this for him, he’ll like me more.”. I know, I know, it’s 876 kinds of fucked up. I know. But its subconscious – I don’t actually think that out loud…in fact I didn’t even realize that it was an aspect of it until a week ago. And I must admit that I didn’t like that realization. Will R leave me if I don’t want anal sex? Will R like me more if I swallow? As a person? No, he won’t. In that moment sexually, I’m sure he would though, lol.

Still, quite a lot of the D/s dynamic feels like a scolding parent-child boss-servant dynamic. Feels like it. It’s not. But that’s where I’m at sometimes in my head and why I get defiant. R is not doing anything “wrong”. I read of other dominants who make him look tame. Alright, not tame per se but a whole lot more tolerable. I need to work on this and learn how to meld D/s obedience into my submission and let go of my past conceptions on obedience.  Because I don’t like feeling that way. It does, however, provide a bit of work for him….I do not just lay down and serve. It makes him bring out his Dominance even more. That part I suspect he likes. So I don’t want to turn into the Stepford Wife version of a submissive.

I still hold myself taut when submitting. I cannot fully let go. That’s something that I want to work on with him. As I said before, I want “more” – except that I can’t get more when I don’t know what I’m asking for or how to ask for it.

Please, weigh in. Lengthy comments are welcome. I’d like to hear from everyone whether you identify as dominant, submissive or switch. (note: any bashing of R and his style of dominating, or anything really, won’t be tolerated. period.) I’d really like to hear if others agree/disagree with how I see obedience and submission and if not….give me your take on it all. Thanks.

A Related Post:

~ Submission: Give and Take

Tags: bdsm, blogging out loud, conversations, D/s, headspace, obedience, R, real life, submissive

read comments (12)