Mar 252012
 

In less than a week I’ll be at Momentum, back in my beloved bubble of My People. Of course, in exactly a week’s time from right now, the moment I’m writing this, the bubble will be slowly bursting and all of my lovely friends will be departing for home and quite likely I’ll be alone in my hotel room for awhile. Hopefully I’ll be able to do things different this time and be able to write better about sessions I attend. Last year I tried to take notes and live tweet but all of that left me missing out on key statements – let’s face it, I have the focus and attention span of a gnat. This year I’ll be getting over my high school / college era anxiety and will be parking my ass in the front rows for many sessions so that I can just take personal use audio recordings for later perusal. I’m hoping that my fear of public speaking (or performance, as was the case growing up of participating in piano recitals) will not cripple me for the morning on Saturday. The session Laura and I are presenting is nothing like anything else going on (we’re doing a geeky session on Blogging) which could work for us or against us. It fits in with Momentum but yet in a tiny way it doesn’t. The UK recently had a conference called ErotiCon and while at first it seemed to deal a lot with the erotic writing and such, there was still a lot of sessions that would have been very useful and at least one that sounded similar to the one we’ll be doing. After reading someone’s re-counting of a session they attended there I’ve realized that I’m technically not a sex blogger anymore – I fall into a better category called sex journalist. But can one be called a journalist if they’re only writing on their own blog?

Momentum is probably one of the few sexuality events that is attended by all sorts of people who are horny perverts in their own ways yet there is no “play” party or plans of sexy orgies. At least not for me. I just want to soak up the company of People Similar To Me while it’s available before returning to my currently-boring life. Perhaps inspiration will strike me when I’m down there, who knows. If it will happen any place, it will happen there. The sessions blow my mind. The abundance of influential people is awesome and scary.

Overall I’ve been very excited for this weekend for the last few months. Some things have happened in the last week or two – seemingly minor things to other people but things that nonetheless speak volumes to me – which have set in motion a terrific depression and a heartache of epic proportions. So if you are at MomentumCon and catch me in a moment where I think nobody is looking (or I lose my self-control for a moment and my mask slips) and you wonder why I look so miserable….just give me a hug. Or a cigarette. Or both. I’ve not smoked in months but damn I need one lately. I have no fucking idea yet what I’ll be wearing because my entire wardrobe has been the butt of some huge cosmic joke or karma for who knows what. No big deal to some people but (confession time here) I’m one of Those Women who somehow think that a killer outfit will make up for the fact that my personality is not always sparkling and vivacious, that my social skills are lacking and that I’m not conventionally beautiful. Will a really great outfit (or at least ass-kicking boots) be enough to shut off the little voices in my head? You know, the destructive ones. I don’t know. I guess I can try. If I could suddenly heal this heartache the weekend would look much brighter but I can only hope that I’ll find a way out of the grey cloud long enough to enjoy the friends I so rarely get to see. Hopefully I can get it through my head that they won’t love me more if my nails are properly manicured or if I were 80 pounds lighter and just relax.

Mar 082012
 

I used to believe wholeheartedly that online relationships – relationships of all varieties including platonic – were not only feasible but wonderful. I used to believe that one could get to know a person on a deeper level through online chats and emails; sometimes things are easier said when we’re staring at a computer screen and not fearing the judgement in the eyes of the other.

But it’s taken the irrevocable loss of someone I used to write a lot about here to make me realize that nothing is easy online except lying and faking it. In person there are “tells” – a lack of eye contact, the direction a person looks when they answer you, fidgeting, etc. Online? The right sort of confident person could have you believing they’re an alien given enough time. There are two inevitable circumstances that occur when we’re in the midst of a happy online relationship:

~We see/hear/read nuances and meanings as we want them to be rather than the reality

~We project meanings and truths and facts as we want them to be rather than the reality

It’s taken time, time away and a lot of anger and hurt for me to finally look back on old conversations I had with him and finally see the absolute unvarnished truths: I was creating a sort of alternate reality to suit what I wanted. And in many ways, so did he. So many times he would feign innocence and ignorance, claiming to not know how I felt led on and lied to. And the more I learn about him in the real world the more I lose the veil that was once clouding my vision. And no, in fact, he’s nothing like my father (a comparison I hold in high esteem as I thought, and still think, that the sun rose and set with my late father) and he’s often times little else other than bluster and pomp, smoke and mirrors. I will give him credit where it is due; he was great at selling an idea and himself, he was great at spinning realities into something a little more golden. Is it possible that a lot more truth existed than I’m giving credit for? Is it possible that he really did change too much in the last year and that it has nothing to do with me or what there was 3 years ago? I don’t know because even thinking that it’s possible feels like making excuses and glossy edges.

So now I’m skeptical, I’m jaded and I’m yes….still angry. I’m unable to connect with anyone online the way I once could. I now presume that half of what they all say is a version of the truth (at best) or a complete fabrication.

And I’m trying my best to hate him as often as possible because it’s easier to manage and swallow than the hurt, abandonment and stupidity I feel otherwise. I feel loss, but really was there anything even there to lose? I mourn that I have no best friend but really was he even worthy of the simple friend title, let alone “best”? I have completely cut ties with anything BDSM because for me it all winds up back to him and I can’t seem to have or want one without the other. And so I just…..exist. Stagnant. Unable to write, unable to trust. And the irony is that I looked forward to this day, where I lived close enough to him to have an in-person relationship and it ended up ruining everything. Or so it seems.

 

I was true as the sky is blue
I couldn’t soon say the same for you
So now I find denial in my eyes
I’m mesmerized by the picture that’s in my mind

Tell me when I’ll finally see your shallow heart
For what it is
Cause I don’t want to keep on believing in illusions

I’ve seen your act
And I know all the facts
I’m still in love with who I wish you were
It ain’t hard to see
Who you are underneath
I’m still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here

~ Kate Voegele “Wish You Were Here”

Nov 092011
 

I’ve not been around much lately. First, we were planning a weekend away which was cut short due to the winter storm that knocked out power for most of Connecticut. Then I had no power for days and froze my ass off and generally was miserable. THEN I had to go out of state to stay with my mother (actually, my great-aunt, where she’s staying, because her house isn’t rebuilt quite yet) and take care of her after a foot surgery. I knew she’d be a pain because she’s never been a good patient – is stubborn, wants to do for herself, even if it means she’s disobeying doctor’s orders. I thought I’d be able to go to a family member or two’s house every day for a few hours to get internet access…..but I wasn’t. That only happened twice in the 7 days I was there ( and I wasn’t supposed to be there 7 days, either). You know what happens a lot more when I’m away and without internet (as I have been at least 4 times for extended periods since late August)?

  • People complain that I’m late with something, like this all is my whole entire life and not a side hobby
  • I get more requests for invites to ToySwap when I’m gone. Coincidence I’m sure but still weird; and it’s difficult/impossible for me to invite when I have only my phone as “internet” so they have to wait for me.
  • I get advertising queries that I can’t respond to right away and then when I do they never get back to me again
  • My site goes down
  • Drama happens (oh wait…that’s every week)
  • Sex toys come in the mail and I can’t open them up and try them out immediately (hello, WeVibe 3)

At the last minute mom changed her mind about when I was heading home and suddenly I’m finding myself not coming home Monday, but late Wednesday. By the time we were done running errands Monday and Tuesday I was so exhausted I was literally falling asleep at the dinner table. Guess what wasn’t on my mind? Wanton Wednesday. But I wake up Wednesday morning with a few genuinely concerned people, some others who just like to harass me when I’m late on WW due to REAL LIFE and others still who don’t even follow me but are whining that the post isn’t up. Am I griping about every person who tweeted about it? No. Not everyone. But seriously I’m never more popular on Twitter than when people are whining that I’m late with something. It’s never the good stuff, lol.

I was already on a thin string and that kinda all set me off. And now I’m home, days later than anticipated, with e[lust] looming in front of me lest I get more irritated tweets wondering where that is (like I’m some kinda business and my services they paid for are down……).

Do times like this make me want to just pack it all in?

Yup. They do.

I’ve considered ending Wanton Wednesday. Others have volunteered to take over hosting it, but I’m on the fence about that. Perhaps my Wanton Wednesday has had it’s time and now it is time for someone else to come up with their own version. Of course there already is SinfulSunday and Wank Wednesday, so it’s not like the community is lacking for anything.

I keep bouncing around on ending e[lust]. Sugasm was way more erratic in the last 8-10 months that it was active, yet I cut back to a monthly digest instead of every 2 weeks, and take a month off sometimes due to holidays and suddenly there are people complaining that I’m unreliable with e[lust]. Really? You try running it tip to bottom just one time. See how easy it is. I’m now finding that a lot of the people who used to submit consider themselves “too” something to participate anymore: intellectual, serious, famous. Some just don’t post much anymore. Is sex blogging dying out? Sugasm had more entries in it their last 2 years because they allowed anything to be submitted; commercial sites, photos, reviews, etc. I’m not sure how the sex blogging community sees e[lust] anymore and if there’s a reason for me to continue it.

These past few weeks have bounced back and forth between comedy and tragedy, both in the greek sense and the literal. I’m about at the end of my rope. I’m also tossing around the idea of whether or not to keep blogging. I don’t think I have much to say anymore and I’m certainly nothing like I was the first year; me, my posts, my photos….nothing is the same. I’m pretty unsexy lately! There is nothing dangerous anymore.

 Posted by at 9:53 pm
Oct 242011
 

In recent years I feel like I’m part of that little fairy tale called The Princess and the Pea. I chalk it up to my messed up back and fibromyalgia and myofacial pain syndrome, but it makes me a little high-maintenance when it comes to where I sleep. I can tell you exactly what I slept on and how I slept (and how I woke up) our first nights in our new places (both the current house and the old apartment) – because it wasn’t a bed. When we slept in our house the first time before we got the furniture delivered I remember getting up numerous times in vain to hunt down anything I could use to add some cushioning. Sleeping bag. Roll-up foam mattress meant for camping. Feather bed. Then I turned to the few bath towels we’d brought, the bath mat….you get the picture. But I still felt that hard floor underneath the carpeting.

You guys are used to me reviewing sex toys. So I know you’re wondering why the hell I’m basically reviewing a bed. It’s because it has made that much of a difference.

Two years ago I replaced my spring mattress with a not-very-expensive memory foam mattress from Ikea. I’d slept on it at someone else’s house, woke up without back pain for the first time in ages and came home and purchased one. Since it wasn’t even middle of the line in price or quality, it didn’t last me very long. I was more surprised than I should have been. For the last 2 months between my insomnia and my dislike of my mattress I’ve spent the majority of most nights sleeping on our couch. My husband missed my presence, even if we didn’t go to bed at the same time. Frustration culminated into doing a lot of online research about mattresses for the not-skinny with bad backs and fibromyalgia. That research told me to consider latex mattresses instead of memory foam. But you all know how I feel about unwanted chemicals in sex toys…..and my last latex foam pillow reeked so badly for so many weeks that it made me scared to sleep on it and breathe in the fumes that were off-gassing. And then I found a company that sells natural chemical-free latex mattresses. Here is some information right from their site about their mattresses:

Q: What is a natural latex mattress? Latex is a viscous liquid that exists within most plants – for industrial use however, the Hevea rubber plant has been the primary source for the natural latex we utilize today. A natural latex mattress contains natural latex as its primary component, and as a result offers a host of advantages that are innate to this material. Latex rubber is incredibly strong and durable, conforming, antimicrobial and hypoallergenic as well as biodegradable.

Q: How ‘natural’ is a natural latex mattress? It depends on the manufacturer – but at Tranquility Mattresses our products are 100% pure. Aside from natural botanically latex, the other main component of the mattress is air; purified (and then recycled) water – not harsh solvents or chemicals – is used to wash mattresses after the production process. And of course, latex is a renewable material that makes our mattress an eco-friendly and fully sustainable product.

Q: So is a natural latex mattress like a viscoelastic ‘memory’ foam mattress? In many cases it’s better. In terms of pressure relief, it is about 31% more effective. It does conform like memory foam, but does away with the ‘sinking’ feeling and heat retention that people complain about with memory foam. A natural latex mattress supports you in any position and adjusts on the fly as you move while you sleep. And best of all, a natural latex mattress is not synthetic and is completely chemical-free. In the whole damn thing, foundation, cover and all is pretty damn green. Organic cotton, real wood, etc.

I am always warm when I sleep, so the heat retention aspect interested me as well. But I admit: I was hung up on the price. That Ikea mattress was $199, and here I am looking at a mattress that’s over $1200, on sale? There was no way I could afford that! Until I realized that my credit wasn’t awful anymore and so I applied for their financing. And I was accepted. It’s something from GE Capital but I wasn’t expecting to get accepted. So all I need to do is make a certain amount in a monthly payment to have it paid off in 12 months and there’s no interest. I can do that. I’m an ADULT now ;)

Here’s where my bed information is a little different than yours and why my story might have sounded a little odd – we don’t have a king or queen size bed. When we moved in together we were given a lot of things. A bedroom set is one of them, but it was 2 twin bed frame and headboards. Which is actually just fine by us. We have our own bedding, my tossing and turning isn’t felt by him and nobody has a bare ass at 4am due to somebody else stealing the comforter. We just shove the beds together, put a body pillow over the gap so that cats and people don’t get lost when the mattresses drift apart, and it works and looks just fine.

Anyways. Unlike that Ikea memory foam mattress, this latex mattress from Tranquility Beds was ready to sleep on in hours (compared to 2 days). Since I was approved for financing – and I know that these beds require a better foundation than box spring – I got their wood foundation. It’s a little weird when you open the box because it is in pieces but it works out well. I tried the mattress on my old box spring and then the new wooden foundation and I could feel a huge improvement. And I think it’ll keep my mattress in better condition for longer. PLUS – it’s silent. No noisy springs to wake him up when I come to bed 3 hours later than him. NO NOISE.

In other words: Unless you’re banging the headboard off the wall, the bed won’t tell the other people in your house that you’re having sex. Which will result in fewer inhibitions and the ability to just let go and fuck like bunnies. In silence. If that’s your thing.

I’m deliriously happy with this bed. The people at the company were great (If you get Phyllis on the Live Chat or when you call, she’s a great help). Just make sure your FedEx delivery guy isn’t an idiotic douchecanoe who screwed up your delivery and gave you someone’s plywood instead of your foundation. The warranty is nice, the free shipping and the return policy took a lot off of my stress in buying this and there was no smell once the mattress had aired out a little (it comes vacuum sealed like those Space Bags are supposed to do with clothing and bedding, so there’s a little plastic odor for a bit from that) – and everything related to the bed is MUCH BETTER. My sleep, my back, sex, etc. I know that $50 isn’t a make-or-break when you’re about to drop $2000 but it’s a little something. I like this bed so much that yes, I’m naming names and linking and giving you a $50 coupon. And you know I don’t bullshit. If you decide you’d want to order just call and ask for Phyllis – she’s the only Phyllis there. Tell her you have a $50 off coupon code of “Lilly” and that’ll do it.

 

 Posted by at 12:21 pm
Oct 212011
 

If you thought I was intimidated freaked out excited by the list of presenters, you should have seen me when I viewed the list of sessions. The one that caught my eye and I Will. Not. Miss1. is just….oye I’m so verklempt. Read this.

The Dirty Business of Sex Toys
Metis Black, Greg DeLong, Rachel Venning, Dr. Carol Queen. Moderated by Lynn Comella

Sex toys, or “novelties,” are a billion dollar business. It’s an industry that thrives on creative (and not so creative) minds and ethical (and not so ethical) business practices. Get an insider’s look at a few company’s core values, and talk about material safety, creative rip offs, labor relations, financing and politics. Hear some stories on the challenges that have arisen and how very important you, the sex educators, bloggers and the consumers, are in moving and shaping up the industries ethics.

YOU GUYS.

I’ll probably have to be bound and muzzled so that the panelists and other people can actually have a nice session. I mean, you all know I have opinions on this stuff. Oh….opinions. I has them. I’ll be sure to pack a panty liner in case I piddle a little. Seriously now. The Founder of Tantus (yay silicone!), the Founder of njoy (yay Pure Wand!), a co-owner/co-founder of Babeland and Dr. Carol Queen. It’s like a goddamn sex toy reviewer’s wet dream.

Other sessions that I am really looking forward to:

So yeah…I’m seeing all this serious but awesome stuff and thinking “Gosh these are some intelligent people” and yes. I’m intimidated.

Our session is a lot different; Blogging 202: Take Your Site to the Next Level is definitely more “teach” than “discuss” although there will be a lot of discussion and questions. The geek in me will likely overprepare and have way more info than we can squeeze into our 40? minutes. A little less than 40. We want to let brave souls share their site link and get our un-sugar-coated 30 second opinion on it *grins*

(I might need a bodyguard)

I’m really excited to work with AAG on our presentation and see what we can teach people.

Now accepting volunteers to sit in the front row in their undies to help break the ice and my fear of public speaking!

  1. I am not above bribing the ladies who make the schedule with rich chocolate cakes to ensure my session isn’t going on at the same time
Oct 202011
 

After our session proposal was accepted I had this big feeling of “oh FUCK why did I do that???” Because I have the worst stage fright / inability to do public speaking / inability to behave normally in social situations.

And then today…..today they released the names of the rest of the presenters. You go take a look through that and then come back here, eventually.

Back now?

WTF AM I GONNA DO?

Do you see those people??? They’re famous. Or they have letters after their name. Or both. I don’t even know yet what the sessions are going to be, much less the session schedule to know what we’re up against in our time slot, but about halfway through the list three things went through my mind:

  1. I hope I can get somebody else to video record the sessions I wanted to see that will be going on at the same time as ours, so that I don’t miss anything good
  2. The audience for our session will likely be small
  3. Thank god for #2. Any more than 15 people and I’ll likely ask a few to strip to their underwear because I wouldn’t be able to imagine them in their underwear and do a presentation at the same time, my ADD doesn’t allow for such multitasking.

The session AAG and I are doing isn’t intellectual or provocative in the way that most of the others will be. Our session is going to be very slideshow-heavy and I’ll probably make up a something or other to hand out digital session guides with links to all the helpful places we’ll talk about. Our session is “Blogging 202: Take Your Site to the Next Level”. I’ll talk more about it when they officially release all the sessions.

If you think you want to go, you should start saving up now. I remember reading the tweets last year of all the people who regretted not going and I think that it’s going to be an even more impressive and wonderful event this year. Last year they limited the attendees to 250 people….this year it’s 400 people. Wow that’s a lot of people. This year their early bird ticket price will end on January 2nd and I have a feeling that most of the tickets will sell by then. It’s not cheap, but it’s very much worth it – so save up. Buy a few less sex toys or something, lol. REGISTER HERE.

My next step is figuring out how to get there. Can my body handle a nearly 350-mile drive? On major highways that are sure to be subject to traffic delays? Fly…..ehhhh, not so crazy about that idea. Not at all. I could take Amtrak….

Drive – cost of gas, toll on my body at 7 hours of driving, $12/day parking – but I don’t have to worry about lugging around heavy suitcases, which would require to be checked @ airport or lifted higher than I can manage on trains and rails
Plane – not going to find a ticket for less than $300, plus requires a layover in Philly, and then get to the hotel. And deal with TSA. And flying fat.
Train – will take less time than driving, at 5 hours, is affordable at $50 each way. It’ll land me at Union Station which will require 2 MTA rails to get to the hotel. Can I do that without getting lost? Must get a ride to the train station at home both days.