Mar 082012

I used to believe wholeheartedly that online relationships – relationships of all varieties including platonic – were not only feasible but wonderful. I used to believe that one could get to know a person on a deeper level through online chats and emails; sometimes things are easier said when we’re staring at a computer screen and not fearing the judgement in the eyes of the other.

But it’s taken the irrevocable loss of someone I used to write a lot about here to make me realize that nothing is easy online except lying and faking it. In person there are “tells” – a lack of eye contact, the direction a person looks when they answer you, fidgeting, etc. Online? The right sort of confident person could have you believing they’re an alien given enough time. There are two inevitable circumstances that occur when we’re in the midst of a happy online relationship:

~We see/hear/read nuances and meanings as we want them to be rather than the reality

~We project meanings and truths and facts as we want them to be rather than the reality

It’s taken time, time away and a lot of anger and hurt for me to finally look back on old conversations I had with him and finally see the absolute unvarnished truths: I was creating a sort of alternate reality to suit what I wanted. And in many ways, so did he. So many times he would feign innocence and ignorance, claiming to not know how I felt led on and lied to. And the more I learn about him in the real world the more I lose the veil that was once clouding my vision. And no, in fact, he’s nothing like my father (a comparison I hold in high esteem as I thought, and still think, that the sun rose and set with my late father) and he’s often times little else other than bluster and pomp, smoke and mirrors. I will give him credit where it is due; he was great at selling an idea and himself, he was great at spinning realities into something a little more golden. Is it possible that a lot more truth existed than I’m giving credit for? Is it possible that he really did change too much in the last year and that it has nothing to do with me or what there was 3 years ago? I don’t know because even thinking that it’s possible feels like making excuses and glossy edges.

So now I’m skeptical, I’m jaded and I’m yes….still angry. I’m unable to connect with anyone online the way I once could. I now presume that half of what they all say is a version of the truth (at best) or a complete fabrication.

And I’m trying my best to hate him as often as possible because it’s easier to manage and swallow than the hurt, abandonment and stupidity I feel otherwise. I feel loss, but really was there anything even there to lose? I mourn that I have no best friend but really was he even worthy of the simple friend title, let alone “best”? I have completely cut ties with anything BDSM because for me it all winds up back to him and I can’t seem to have or want one without the other. And so I just…..exist. Stagnant. Unable to write, unable to trust. And the irony is that I looked forward to this day, where I lived close enough to him to have an in-person relationship and it ended up ruining everything. Or so it seems.


I was true as the sky is blue
I couldn’t soon say the same for you
So now I find denial in my eyes
I’m mesmerized by the picture that’s in my mind

Tell me when I’ll finally see your shallow heart
For what it is
Cause I don’t want to keep on believing in illusions

I’ve seen your act
And I know all the facts
I’m still in love with who I wish you were
It ain’t hard to see
Who you are underneath
I’m still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here

~ Kate Voegele “Wish You Were Here”

Jan 272012

I have 6 drafts that are half-finished. I’ve been in some state or another of “sick” this week and feeling like crap, exhausted and lacking patience. I’m away this weekend so all these posts will have to wait, and I hope I can conjure up their thought trains again.

My main point to this post is to say “ILU” to the people who purchase sex toys through my affiliate link. The sales aren’t racking up this month like they were in December, but December was still a banner month, more than I’d ever made before. These sales make me feel like I’m not sitting here wasting away, like I’m contributing to the household or at least not draining it. Thank you, it means more than you know. Also, I’m DYING of curiousity whenever I see a sale and I wonder what you bought, so if you ever feel like telling me – TELL ME!

EF is interviewing one of my favorite people right now, Ducky, so go ask her some crazy questions. Crazy questions, though, not  just “I’m doing this for the hell of it” questions with bad grammar.

Oo!oo! EF is having another one of those sales, where your discount goes up the more you spend. GO BUY SEX TOYS FOR VALENTINE’S DAY. BUY ALL THE TOYS. HAVE ALL THE SEX. Partnered? Sex toys. Solo? SEX TOYS. I mean hey, you should always learn to love yourself first, right? Oh wait, I don’t think “love” is what they meant with that saying. You know. AIRQUOTE love /AIRQUOTE.

EdenFantasys Valentine's Day Sale Codes

I know what I’m buying with this deal. Since I like the We Vibe Touch so much, I want to own the We Vibe Salsa and Tango. I wonder why the latter two are named after sexy dances but the Touch isn’t? Hmm.

Oh! I might possibly have gotten a lead on finally doing some of those sex toy education workshops I’ve talked about. Very exciting. I suck at public speaking and I’m initially very shy so I have NO clue how this will go the first time or the first ten minutes. Perhaps vodka will be the key?

Anyways, coming up in posts: More sex toy reviewer interviews, with Epiphora and Adriana. My ticked-off review of the JimmyJane Form 6. Review of the We Vibe Touch and Minna Ola. A fun game of “spot the sex toy” with Tumblr porn. I might talk about the Pipedreams Curve wand, a steel toy that may or may not be stainless steel and is a knock-off, design-wise, of the Njoy Fun Wand. Waiting on info for a big tell-all post about our favorite material: Silicone! And some upcoming fun stuff with Crystal Delights, makers of pretty glass and Swarovski butt plugs and dildos. But now I’m off to go tend to my very aching back and smell my own tits.

whut. they smell nice. I’ve just discovered Philosophy’s Amazing Grace scent. You can smell them too, cuz ILU.


this post sponsored is by: EdenFantasys (What this means), a sex toy store

Dec 292011

I think I have enough sex toys.

I’ll probably change my mind in a few weeks. But I can’t find anything that I’m just dying to try. I have a bunch of things lined up to review, though. A Leaf vibe, and new super-pretty glass dildo from MyPleasure are the top ones. I bought a Lelo Ella since it’s one of the things I always harbored an interest in but never tried, I might review that or I might just keep it for a giveaway item someday if I can ever get this sex toy education workshop going. I also bought an Extase Zenith vibe with some reservations, reservations which proved me right. It sounds like a fuckin weed whacker. I wrote to the company but they never responded. I don’t think it’s supposed to be quite that loud. They like to claim all their vibes are “whisper quiet”. That’s almost never true, it’s just weasel words.

Problem is, I have this great one-time only coupon code for EF (25% off) that needs to be used up by January 8th and I truly have nothing I REALLY want. One lucky reader can use it but only if they agree to purchase through my affiliate links at EF. I’m trying to make sure that my trip to Momentum, where I’m presenting, is fully funded so I’m really trying hard to get as many affiliate commissions at EF as possible this month (because the commissions made in December won’t get paid out til February which means I’ll be better able to save that money and not use it, lol). I’d thought that I had enough in commissions but I don’t yet. Close! Of course they currently have tons of sales, too, so good deals are to be had with or without that coupon code.

Speaking of Momentum, their early bird registration ends January 2nd!! If you think you’d like to go, buy tickets NOW or the price will go up by $25 after Jan 2nd. If something comes up you can always transfer your tickets to someone else (by March 1st) so take advantage of this now. I personally think that the sessions and presenters look to be even more awesome than last year – which means you really don’t want to miss this.

I lamented not too long ago about all the idiotic emails I get where it’s quite fuckin clear they didn’t actually read my blog or my Advertising page or whatever. So I finally found a WordPress contact form plugin that allows me to create error messages based on what someone does wrong in the form, and more importantly allows me to say that a choice you can make is wrong! Go ahead, go try it. If you’re a reader and not totally lacking in intelligence you’ll know which choices are THE WRONG CHOICES and will get to see my awesome fail message. It could be more awesome of course but the creator of this plugin didn’t likely account for someone like me >:)

Oh and a rant to look forward to on the horizon: Reviews that talk about a crappy/weak toy being great for beginners. I was guilty of that once, too, but it’s sugar-coating AND weasel words and I have things to say about it.

e[lust] and the new schedule arrive in just a few short days, January 1st! Get your submission figured out!

 Posted by at 11:00 pm
Nov 092011

I’ve not been around much lately. First, we were planning a weekend away which was cut short due to the winter storm that knocked out power for most of Connecticut. Then I had no power for days and froze my ass off and generally was miserable. THEN I had to go out of state to stay with my mother (actually, my great-aunt, where she’s staying, because her house isn’t rebuilt quite yet) and take care of her after a foot surgery. I knew she’d be a pain because she’s never been a good patient – is stubborn, wants to do for herself, even if it means she’s disobeying doctor’s orders. I thought I’d be able to go to a family member or two’s house every day for a few hours to get internet access…..but I wasn’t. That only happened twice in the 7 days I was there ( and I wasn’t supposed to be there 7 days, either). You know what happens a lot more when I’m away and without internet (as I have been at least 4 times for extended periods since late August)?

  • People complain that I’m late with something, like this all is my whole entire life and not a side hobby
  • I get more requests for invites to ToySwap when I’m gone. Coincidence I’m sure but still weird; and it’s difficult/impossible for me to invite when I have only my phone as “internet” so they have to wait for me.
  • I get advertising queries that I can’t respond to right away and then when I do they never get back to me again
  • My site goes down
  • Drama happens (oh wait…that’s every week)
  • Sex toys come in the mail and I can’t open them up and try them out immediately (hello, WeVibe 3)

At the last minute mom changed her mind about when I was heading home and suddenly I’m finding myself not coming home Monday, but late Wednesday. By the time we were done running errands Monday and Tuesday I was so exhausted I was literally falling asleep at the dinner table. Guess what wasn’t on my mind? Wanton Wednesday. But I wake up Wednesday morning with a few genuinely concerned people, some others who just like to harass me when I’m late on WW due to REAL LIFE and others still who don’t even follow me but are whining that the post isn’t up. Am I griping about every person who tweeted about it? No. Not everyone. But seriously I’m never more popular on Twitter than when people are whining that I’m late with something. It’s never the good stuff, lol.

I was already on a thin string and that kinda all set me off. And now I’m home, days later than anticipated, with e[lust] looming in front of me lest I get more irritated tweets wondering where that is (like I’m some kinda business and my services they paid for are down……).

Do times like this make me want to just pack it all in?

Yup. They do.

I’ve considered ending Wanton Wednesday. Others have volunteered to take over hosting it, but I’m on the fence about that. Perhaps my Wanton Wednesday has had it’s time and now it is time for someone else to come up with their own version. Of course there already is SinfulSunday and Wank Wednesday, so it’s not like the community is lacking for anything.

I keep bouncing around on ending e[lust]. Sugasm was way more erratic in the last 8-10 months that it was active, yet I cut back to a monthly digest instead of every 2 weeks, and take a month off sometimes due to holidays and suddenly there are people complaining that I’m unreliable with e[lust]. Really? You try running it tip to bottom just one time. See how easy it is. I’m now finding that a lot of the people who used to submit consider themselves “too” something to participate anymore: intellectual, serious, famous. Some just don’t post much anymore. Is sex blogging dying out? Sugasm had more entries in it their last 2 years because they allowed anything to be submitted; commercial sites, photos, reviews, etc. I’m not sure how the sex blogging community sees e[lust] anymore and if there’s a reason for me to continue it.

These past few weeks have bounced back and forth between comedy and tragedy, both in the greek sense and the literal. I’m about at the end of my rope. I’m also tossing around the idea of whether or not to keep blogging. I don’t think I have much to say anymore and I’m certainly nothing like I was the first year; me, my posts, my photos….nothing is the same. I’m pretty unsexy lately! There is nothing dangerous anymore.

 Posted by at 9:53 pm
Oct 242011

In recent years I feel like I’m part of that little fairy tale called The Princess and the Pea. I chalk it up to my messed up back and fibromyalgia and myofacial pain syndrome, but it makes me a little high-maintenance when it comes to where I sleep. I can tell you exactly what I slept on and how I slept (and how I woke up) our first nights in our new places (both the current house and the old apartment) – because it wasn’t a bed. When we slept in our house the first time before we got the furniture delivered I remember getting up numerous times in vain to hunt down anything I could use to add some cushioning. Sleeping bag. Roll-up foam mattress meant for camping. Feather bed. Then I turned to the few bath towels we’d brought, the bath mat….you get the picture. But I still felt that hard floor underneath the carpeting.

You guys are used to me reviewing sex toys. So I know you’re wondering why the hell I’m basically reviewing a bed. It’s because it has made that much of a difference.

Two years ago I replaced my spring mattress with a not-very-expensive memory foam mattress from Ikea. I’d slept on it at someone else’s house, woke up without back pain for the first time in ages and came home and purchased one. Since it wasn’t even middle of the line in price or quality, it didn’t last me very long. I was more surprised than I should have been. For the last 2 months between my insomnia and my dislike of my mattress I’ve spent the majority of most nights sleeping on our couch. My husband missed my presence, even if we didn’t go to bed at the same time. Frustration culminated into doing a lot of online research about mattresses for the not-skinny with bad backs and fibromyalgia. That research told me to consider latex mattresses instead of memory foam. But you all know how I feel about unwanted chemicals in sex toys…..and my last latex foam pillow reeked so badly for so many weeks that it made me scared to sleep on it and breathe in the fumes that were off-gassing. And then I found a company that sells natural chemical-free latex mattresses. Here is some information right from their site about their mattresses:

Q: What is a natural latex mattress? Latex is a viscous liquid that exists within most plants – for industrial use however, the Hevea rubber plant has been the primary source for the natural latex we utilize today. A natural latex mattress contains natural latex as its primary component, and as a result offers a host of advantages that are innate to this material. Latex rubber is incredibly strong and durable, conforming, antimicrobial and hypoallergenic as well as biodegradable.

Q: How ‘natural’ is a natural latex mattress? It depends on the manufacturer – but at Tranquility Mattresses our products are 100% pure. Aside from natural botanically latex, the other main component of the mattress is air; purified (and then recycled) water – not harsh solvents or chemicals – is used to wash mattresses after the production process. And of course, latex is a renewable material that makes our mattress an eco-friendly and fully sustainable product.

Q: So is a natural latex mattress like a viscoelastic ‘memory’ foam mattress? In many cases it’s better. In terms of pressure relief, it is about 31% more effective. It does conform like memory foam, but does away with the ‘sinking’ feeling and heat retention that people complain about with memory foam. A natural latex mattress supports you in any position and adjusts on the fly as you move while you sleep. And best of all, a natural latex mattress is not synthetic and is completely chemical-free. In the whole damn thing, foundation, cover and all is pretty damn green. Organic cotton, real wood, etc.

I am always warm when I sleep, so the heat retention aspect interested me as well. But I admit: I was hung up on the price. That Ikea mattress was $199, and here I am looking at a mattress that’s over $1200, on sale? There was no way I could afford that! Until I realized that my credit wasn’t awful anymore and so I applied for their financing. And I was accepted. It’s something from GE Capital but I wasn’t expecting to get accepted. So all I need to do is make a certain amount in a monthly payment to have it paid off in 12 months and there’s no interest. I can do that. I’m an ADULT now ;)

Here’s where my bed information is a little different than yours and why my story might have sounded a little odd – we don’t have a king or queen size bed. When we moved in together we were given a lot of things. A bedroom set is one of them, but it was 2 twin bed frame and headboards. Which is actually just fine by us. We have our own bedding, my tossing and turning isn’t felt by him and nobody has a bare ass at 4am due to somebody else stealing the comforter. We just shove the beds together, put a body pillow over the gap so that cats and people don’t get lost when the mattresses drift apart, and it works and looks just fine.

Anyways. Unlike that Ikea memory foam mattress, this latex mattress from Tranquility Beds was ready to sleep on in hours (compared to 2 days). Since I was approved for financing – and I know that these beds require a better foundation than box spring – I got their wood foundation. It’s a little weird when you open the box because it is in pieces but it works out well. I tried the mattress on my old box spring and then the new wooden foundation and I could feel a huge improvement. And I think it’ll keep my mattress in better condition for longer. PLUS – it’s silent. No noisy springs to wake him up when I come to bed 3 hours later than him. NO NOISE.

In other words: Unless you’re banging the headboard off the wall, the bed won’t tell the other people in your house that you’re having sex. Which will result in fewer inhibitions and the ability to just let go and fuck like bunnies. In silence. If that’s your thing.

I’m deliriously happy with this bed. The people at the company were great (If you get Phyllis on the Live Chat or when you call, she’s a great help). Just make sure your FedEx delivery guy isn’t an idiotic douchecanoe who screwed up your delivery and gave you someone’s plywood instead of your foundation. The warranty is nice, the free shipping and the return policy took a lot off of my stress in buying this and there was no smell once the mattress had aired out a little (it comes vacuum sealed like those Space Bags are supposed to do with clothing and bedding, so there’s a little plastic odor for a bit from that) – and everything related to the bed is MUCH BETTER. My sleep, my back, sex, etc. I know that $50 isn’t a make-or-break when you’re about to drop $2000 but it’s a little something. I like this bed so much that yes, I’m naming names and linking and giving you a $50 coupon. And you know I don’t bullshit. If you decide you’d want to order just call and ask for Phyllis – she’s the only Phyllis there. Tell her you have a $50 off coupon code of “Lilly” and that’ll do it.


 Posted by at 12:21 pm
Oct 212011

If you thought I was intimidated freaked out excited by the list of presenters, you should have seen me when I viewed the list of sessions. The one that caught my eye and I Will. Not. Miss1. is just….oye I’m so verklempt. Read this.

The Dirty Business of Sex Toys
Metis Black, Greg DeLong, Rachel Venning, Dr. Carol Queen. Moderated by Lynn Comella

Sex toys, or “novelties,” are a billion dollar business. It’s an industry that thrives on creative (and not so creative) minds and ethical (and not so ethical) business practices. Get an insider’s look at a few company’s core values, and talk about material safety, creative rip offs, labor relations, financing and politics. Hear some stories on the challenges that have arisen and how very important you, the sex educators, bloggers and the consumers, are in moving and shaping up the industries ethics.


I’ll probably have to be bound and muzzled so that the panelists and other people can actually have a nice session. I mean, you all know I have opinions on this stuff. Oh….opinions. I has them. I’ll be sure to pack a panty liner in case I piddle a little. Seriously now. The Founder of Tantus (yay silicone!), the Founder of njoy (yay Pure Wand!), a co-owner/co-founder of Babeland and Dr. Carol Queen. It’s like a goddamn sex toy reviewer’s wet dream.

Other sessions that I am really looking forward to:

So yeah…I’m seeing all this serious but awesome stuff and thinking “Gosh these are some intelligent people” and yes. I’m intimidated.

Our session is a lot different; Blogging 202: Take Your Site to the Next Level is definitely more “teach” than “discuss” although there will be a lot of discussion and questions. The geek in me will likely overprepare and have way more info than we can squeeze into our 40? minutes. A little less than 40. We want to let brave souls share their site link and get our un-sugar-coated 30 second opinion on it *grins*

(I might need a bodyguard)

I’m really excited to work with AAG on our presentation and see what we can teach people.

Now accepting volunteers to sit in the front row in their undies to help break the ice and my fear of public speaking!

  1. I am not above bribing the ladies who make the schedule with rich chocolate cakes to ensure my session isn’t going on at the same time