“I can’t orgasm – and it’s not your fault”

Author’s Disclaimer to head off certain criticism at the pass:  I am not a doctor. This post was not written by a doctor. What is true for me, my husband and some others is not true for everyone. The purpose in writing this is to help some other people who might be very similar to us and don’t know it. A doctor could explain this a lot more accurately than I, so please note that I am only trying to explain this on a basic level and to the best of my layman’s ability.

I am a tough cookie to please when it comes to sex toys; specifically, vibrators. I require more stimulation than a lot of other women do. And I find that women who are similar to me require the same type of vibrations as I do – the deeper, rumbly sort that goes beyond the surface of the skin. I need the extra stimulation not on the portion of the clitoris that you can see……I usually need the stimulation to reach the portion of the clitoris you cannot see which happens to be the majority of the organ (the clitoris can be compared to an iceberg, let’s put it that way). I’ve also found that adding in g-spot pressure ramps up the stimulation for every body part involved.  It’s a little more complicated than just that, though. The reason why I need it isn’t necessary just a body thing, it’s a brain thing. I used to think I was “deformed” and had fewer nerve endings than most others. What is lacking is my brain chemistry and probably nothing to do with my clitoris. I have a dopamine disorder mixed with other brain chemistry issues that results in a skewed “reward system” in my brain. This is the best way I can describe it (see Disclaimer above).

My husband also has dopamine issues and depending on other factors like stress, medication and more his sensitivity levels flucuate wildly. Before he was properly treated for the dopamine disorder he had a period where his brain chemicals were very messed up; the affect that this had on sex was that he required a lot more stimulation than ever before. It was actually during this time period that he really delved into exploring prostate stimulation in part because of a craving and need for more stimulation – both of the flesh and the brain. There was a time period where his orgasms were few and far between with me. Sex and blowjobs just didn’t provide the extreme level of sensation he’d come to require.

When someone’s partner has difficulty climaxing there’s often a lot of blame thrown around and/or knocks to self-esteem. The non-orgasming partner feels guilty (they might even end up faking it eventually just to soothe their partner) and frustrated. The other person worries that they’re not a good enough lover, not attractive enough, not loved enough, etc. Until quality conversations are had, a lot of bad feelings are tossed around.

There’s three ways to approach situations like this:

  • See a doctor or two for diagnosis and treatment with anti-depressants or ADD medication, or more holistic approaches like diet changes, nutrition supplements, etc. (Dopamine disorders can cause various forms of anhedonia, as can depression/anxiety)
  • Have multiple, honest discussions with your partner to alleviate relationship stress and involve them
  • Experiment with sex toys – masturbators, prostate stimulators, vibrators, dildos, whatever floats your boat. Incorporate sex toys in your sex life every time you’re together to help achieve orgasm when you want it

Thanks to porn (and teenage misinformed gossip) we’re led to believe that orgasms are easy and natural and occur for everyone. So when we (or our partner) have difficulty usually the first reaction is to hide it away and pretend all is fine. This approach not only doesn’t help matters but it makes everything more difficult for when you finally DO talk about it. While I know that orgasm does not have to be the end-result for every single sexual encounter, I think it’s pretty important. The rush of endorphins that you get from it is a boost to your own health and the health of your relationships – you feel pretty awesome when you’re laying with your partner afterward both blissed out from the orgasm high, right?

5 Responses

  1. Thank you for a well-written, honest post about something which I think more of us deal with than are braver to admit. It is very hard to remember that it’s not my fault if my partner doesn’t orgasm every time. I know he struggles with that too.
    Another myth I think society tells us is that our partner would orgasm if there is “enough love.” Seems most mainstream women’s magazines promote that if you “love him enough” sex will be perfect every time. It’s an impossible standard that contributes to communication breakdown.
    Thanks again.

  2. Britni TheVadgeWig says:

    My current partner is on anti-depressants that make it almost impossible for him to get off. In the 2+ months we’ve been seeing each other, I think he’s orgasmed maybe 5 times with me, and before that, he hadn’t orgasmed in 3 months. I know it’s not my fault, but there’s always a part of me that hopes if I try a little harder or go a little longer, he’ll be able to get off. I always feel awful because while he rarely gets off, he takes all the time in the world to make sure I get off multiple times. And I know he worries that I feel bad about his lack of orgasms.

    I just remember that it has nothing to do with me, and an orgasm is not the only thing required for satisfying sex. He obviously enjoys the sex, or he wouldn’t keep having it with me! Plus, when he does actually get off, it’s crazy intense and crazy hot.

  3. lovetodance says:

    Thank you so much for this post. I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, and though I always enjoy your erotica when you post it, I found this incredibly relieving. I’m not very sexually knowledgeable in practice, though I’d like to be. But the few times I have tried things with a partner, I’ve found I haven’t been able to orgasm. Usually when masturbating, I have to have a vibrator. I always figured there was something I was doing wrong, or that there was something not quite right with my body, but it’s a relief to know I’m not the only person going through this, or needing more intense vibrations, etc. Anyway, I wanted to say thanks. :)

    ~ It might not be easy for you with new partners (shit, when is it ever?) but I hope you can develop the confidence to bring the vibrator with you, introduce them to including it in sex. Usually it will take a bit of reassurance in the vein of “it’s really not you, it’s me” and then they’ll soon figure out that watching a girl get herself off in front of them is HOT.

  4. It need not always end in mutual screaming orgasm. Medication, fatigue and emotional responses to stress in one’s life can make that O hard to reach sometimes. Good sex need not always end in release; often the ride, the intimate exchange, the sensual interplay is sufficient. Why ruin sex by setting goals?

    ~ I did make a point to say above that orgasm doesn’t have to be the end-result of every encounter. If you think that I am advocating differently then you didn’t really read it. What I am referring to is when this difficulty with orgasm is persistent and long-term.

  5. Ida Virgin says:

    This is definitely well timed for me as well… There’s a man in my life who is under some pretty amazing stress and just isn’t able to get there.. It’s important that I not really take it as a challenge and see it as me being not good.

    I agree with Britni though… when he takes the time to make sure you feel good sometimes it can make you feel a bit… off.

    That’s when you have to remember to enjoy the journey and that it must feed something for him if he’s investing the time in you :-)