There’s No Best Sex Toy

Cadillac of Vibrators. Top of the heap. One to rule them all. Everybody needs one! If you spend enough time on Reddit boards, Buzzfeed or other online mags that talk about sex/sexuality you will soon see posts talking about the “best” sex toy. They give readers no indication of qualifiers, and yet inevitably there will be a dozen proclamations that the Hitachi Magic Wand is THE BEST and SHE WILL LOVE IT and it ALWAYS WORKS and MAKES ME CUM IN A MINUTE. These proclamations and recommendations are also often given in r/sex when someone is asking for a first-timer’s vibrator recommendation.

And I twitch. I used to end up ranting and lecturing on Reddit, but now I avoid the place for my own sanity. Yet I can’t avoid the holiday lists put out by such experts as Buzzfeed, Cosmo and retailers and every damn time they make me mad. Why? We’ll get to that in a minute.

Wherein I Dislike The Wand, Any Wand

I’m not really a wand fan. I used to be; 9 years ago it was the only thing that sometimes could “force” an orgasm out of me. I took a notoriously long time to orgasm and when I’d tried the Magic Wand I had yet to own anything that worked truly well for me. I assumed that I needed sheer power. After all, I thought I’d tried everything else the industry had to offer, it must be an issue with the intensity.

It took me years to figure out that it wasn’t a need for power that was the key, it was a combination of rumbling, penetrating vibrations and pinpoint clitoral stimulation. I have one spot on the right that responds the most to sensations and the more precisely I can target that spot, the better off I am.

Even so, I’ve reviewed many wands because hey, people like them. Many people enjoy them, many people need them and I want to be able to give my thoughts on the quality and buzz vs rumble so that I can accurately give advice. But I don’t like reviewing wands, really, because I know they’re not what I need and it will be even harder to please me. I think most are ugly (but some are beautiful). I think they’re over-rated sometimes. I’ve notoriously hated wands that others have adored. I think that the Magic Wand and similar wands are buzzy, numbing, overkill for many folks and not really the best “first vibrator”. I don’t think they’re bad, and I don’t discredit that, for many folks, they are The Key to Orgasm. And, for others, they’re not the Only Key, but they can be a fun tool to hammer out an orgasm in a minute or two. I’m definitely in neither camp, so I feel obligated to often rally for the Not A Wand Lover camp because if you’re Not A Wand Lover and you read all about these thousands of people who can come in a minute, and you can’t, you might feel broken.

Wherein You Dislike The Womanizer

There’s another sex toy that is leading to fans (and companies) making orgasm guarantee claims: The Womanizer (or Satisfyer). I delayed trying the Womanizer but eventually had to settle my own skepticism. I thought for sure I would be the first review of dissent.  It’s a rare occurrence but I was wrong and the Womanizer ended up working for me, with one caveat: Others talked about coming in under a minute. It took me sometimes as much as 15 minutes, but usually more like 5-10. Regardless, I find that it’s a unique sex toy and if I can use the right model then sometimes I can keep going and have another orgasm in the nearly-immediate future. Are the multiple orgasms that some boast about with the Satisfyer or Womanizer the norm? Probably not. So don’t expect it.

Womanizer, or epi24, literally has an orgasm guarantee. If you buy their overpriced Womanizer Deluxe Pro Super Spectacular W500 and it doesn’t work for you, they’ll give you your money back if you contact them within 30 days. They haven’t put the same guarantee on their Womanizer PRO40, which baffles me, but what are you gonna do.

The Womanizer, or any other sex toy similar to it, is not going to work for everybody. It can’t possibly. Do I know who is more likely to enjoy it? I think so. I think you have to like clitoral stimulation – direct clitoral stimulation – versus broad vulva stimulation and have extreme difficulty with orgasm via manual stimulation. I think there are other factors, but this is one of the only common threads I’ve seen amongst folks who hate the Womanizer and it doesn’t work for them. I was talking to JoEllen after re-reading her piece about how the Womanizer doesn’t work for her, and we had a really hard time putting things into a short “sound bite” but came away from the conversation understanding that there’s no normal, there’s no standard, there’s no best. JoEllen likes wands; in large part, because direct clitoral contact is painful and wands allow for broad areas of the vulva to receive vibration as an indirect method of clitoral stimulation. If that’s you? Ignore what they say about how it’s “touchless” clitoral stimulation because touchless doesn’t matter if you don’t like direct clit stim.  I talked to Sarah who also hates pinpoint vibrators, loves wands, and definitely cannot orgasm without a sex toy. She talks here about how a much-loved small vibrator doesn’t work for her at all, and has told me that the Satisfyer simply doesn’t feel like anything to her. Her body just doesn’t register it.

There’s No Best Sex Toy

Yep, I know, I have a page titled “The Best Sex Toys“. To be honest? SEO is a big reason for it. But I also wanted a place to list out all of the sex toys I personally love mixed with some stand-out sex toys I always recommend in the right circumstances. Not all are perfect for me, but I think they’re all top in their class.

I can’t just recommend a sex toy to someone without knowing a lot about them, and I tend to think it’s a bit reckless to toss out promises that are as hard to keep as a wriggly puppy. When someone¹ polls the mob and just says “I need a sex toy recommendation” and people start shouting out names and promises, I can’t handle it. I need to know what body part they want to use it on; what sort of stimulation they’ve liked so far; how difficult it is to orgasm manually; if they’re tried other sex toys; and a few other key questions. Only then will I give a mostly-confident recommendation, with the heavy caveat that if it doesn’t work, they shouldn’t despair.

This need for clarifications and questions and caveats and if-then statements leads to a burning rage when places like Buzzfeed list out “sex toys you can’t live without”, or uncontrollable twitching when someone (anyone) claims that XYZ sex toy will work for everyone. It’s why I can’t give a singular recommendation when a place asks me to tell them my favorite sex toy recommendation for a Valentine’s Day piece. It’s why it took me so long to even write the review for the Womanizer W100 – because I couldn’t figure out why I liked it, or who might agree/disagree with me. I am caught between this high-strung desire to not let you waste money and to assure you you’re not broken and you may not find your Holy Grail sex toys until the 12th try. “Try, try again” and “let’s not waste money here” are kind of at odds with each other, but I subscribe to both.

Works For You? Great!

A lot of folks who go around insisting that their holy grail will be your holy grail sex toy are missing a crucial point: everybody is different. I’m so glad that you found a sex toy that works for you, without fail, and to your desired degree of swiftness. I know the frustration of owning many sex toys yet not having any that work truly well. So in your enthusiasm, there is a bit of blindness. If you love a certain sex toy, try explaining why you love it when you recommend it. Talk a little about your level of sensitivity or ease of orgasm without sex toys. Give an example of something that was absolutely terrible for you, and tell them why.

I’m not trying to take away your well-deserved love of your favorite sex toy. I have them, too. I fucking adore the Tango and Womanizer equally, but I know they’re not the best for those who are more sensitive and it’s a bit much to spend until someone knows for sure that they like pinpoint, intense stimulation.

And finally, maybe most sex toys aren’t your thing, and you don’t see the fuss. You prefer your hand or your lover’s mouth. That’s completely valid, and while it’s foreign to me, no one is superior. Needing a vibrator is absolutely okay, and so is NOT needing one.

Bloggers, Not Magazines

Want to avoid the pitfalls of hearing that something is “the best” without them knowing you at all? Not everybody does, but if you do, if you want to get a recommendation on a great sex toy for YOU, don’t read those listicles from Buzzfeed, Cosmo, or hundreds of other online magazines. Avoid the reviews on such magazine sites, too. You’ve got the best, most experienced, most critical squad to call on when you need answers: sex toy review bloggers. Don’t be afraid to ask multiple reviewers their opinions, and read enough of their blog to get a good understanding of what works for them. Find someone who seems to be similar to you in needs, likes and dislikes. And if you see those dreaded words “every woman needs one”, run for the hills.

Let’s love it, but let’s stop trying to make “the best sex toy” happen. It’s never gonna happen.