Mar 092015
 

Lovehoney Rockbox FingerNo matter how anybody felt about it in use, all reviews about the original Lovehoney Rockbox said the same thing: it was horrifyingly loud. Lovehoney didn’t take that as a negative, apparently, when they created the Rockbox Finger which is shaped like a lazily-crooked giant’s finger which “thrusts”. Thrusting toys somehow had new life breathed into them in the last year or so. The Lovehoney Rockbox Finger is like the Fun Factory Stronic on bath salts – manic, loud, offensive, dangerous and erratic. It is really the polar opposite of the Stronic line. If you thought the Lelo Mona Wave was loud, you ain’t heard nothin yet. I couldn’t tolerate the electric razor sound of the iGino; it made my cats run away. iGino is the sound of a babbling brook compared to the Lovehoney Rockbox Finger. Yes, it’s that bad. It’s louder than the Magic Wand, it’s louder than the Doxy Massager

Somehow…..SOMEHOW…..the very first time I turned it on, the thing decided to act possessed. It would not turn off. The vibrations would randomly slow down, speed up, appear to be doing the cha-cha and then rattle furiously while I kept clicking that button as if my life depended on it. While the husband looked on with mounting irritation and the cats were cowering under the end table, I frantically pulled out the manual which claims that you should press and hold the button to turn it off. NOTHING WORKED. I was exiled to another room; I had to go to the bedroom and shut the door. I was cackling at the absurdity but genuinely concerned because it wouldn’t turn off1.  Finally, finally, the 47th click turned it off. The relief I felt at that moment was immense. Since then, it’s mostly been okay in function. Except for the fact that, despite the video and instructions from another review, the battery cap will. not. budge. So I have to make my assessments and do everything I need to do before the batteries inside die a merciful death.

If you want to hear what the Rockbox Finger sounds like, check out this video. It’s about 1/2 or 2/3rd way through and be sure to turn down your sound!

It’s not often that I find a sex toy with zero redeeming qualities – even when something doesn’t work for me, I can (usually) see how it would work out well for someone else. There was the gag gift, the magnetic horror, this old worthless Extase vibe, and of course those cheap rabbits. And now, the Lovehoney Rockbox Finger.

Lovehoney Rockbox Finger - I PinchWhile the Stronic uses something akin to the Shake Weight to do its thrusting, the Lovehoney Rockbox Finger just moves back and forth. I’ve seen something like this long ago, but at least it was covered in a rubber shell to bridge the literal gap – the pinchy gap. It pinches. Like a crab. It will pinch your finger, your inner thigh, your labia, etc. Whatever skin it is near, it will pinch if you fuck up ONCE. I can assure you that for someone not into pain, the third pinch was the final straw for me. Oh and for all the maniacal “thrusting”? It doesn’t even work. Even just touching my labia, when I tried to use it clitorally, the slightest resistance made it stop because I was holding the handle. If the motion has nowhere to transfer to, it stops. If you hold the handle lightly enough while it’s inserted, then the handle is bobbing away ferociously outside your vag, with some weird rattling vibrations going on inside. It’s flat-out ridiculous. No price is worth it but I’m offended that Lovehoney charges over $40 for it. I’m also offended that of the 14 on-site reviews, you only see the good reviews at first glance. The rest are all warnings and rants, but miraculously there’s just enough to make the front page look positive. What a coincidence! 

Shevibe was considering carrying this atrocity because they’d had a few customers ask for it. They had their doubts, so they sent it to me to get a second opinion. Not only do I think Shevibe shouldn’t stock this, I don’t think Lovehoney should be selling it. This shouldn’t be on the market. IT’S JUST THAT BAD. DO. NOT. BUY. IT. While the price is exponentially higher, many people love the Fun Factory Stronic – consider that one if you want something that thrusts for you. If you want an enlightening experience, thrust your own dildo

  1. There is a very hysterical 2-minute video that starts from the time I’ve exiled to the bedroom, but I’m not sure I can share it because of anonymity reasons
  • Holy crap, that thing sounds like a power tool.

  • Sarah

    Did anyone with a vulva have anything to do with the design or beta testing of this thing??

  • I don’t think anybody with *common sense* did the beta testing.

  • Just_Indecerous

    Christ, I’ve got a drill that doesn’t sound that bad!

  • Hopefully before this sucker dies I can get out the few power tools we own and compare the sounds on video.

  • I pinch. LOL.. but man..

  • I’d rather use my boyfriend’s jigsaw and attach a dildo to that!!

  • HeatherLorali

    Omg this is the thing they were working on in the documentary series “Frisky Business.” Some random guy just came up with the idea when he put a plastic sleeve over a PUMPKIN CARVING KNIFE and thought, “Hey, that could be a vibrator,” and sent the idea in to Lovehoney. And yes, everyone they showed the prototype to said “Oh yeah it could work, but it would need to be a lot quieter.” Then they spent the rest of the episode discussing the different designs for the shape of the “finger” head and where to put the controls, but never again brought up the noise issue or made any mention of how they might have fixed it. Now it’s clear that the reason for that is because THEY DIDN’T AT ALL! Ugh. I used to love Lovehoney and really wish I still could be a fan of them, but they seem to have too many issues with half-assing their products and overlooking such glaring flaws that it makes me wonder what they must think of their potential customers that they think people wouldn’t mind/care about them.

  • You had me at iGino is the sound of a babbling brook compared to the Lovehoney Rockbox Finger.

  • YIKES!! This is literally scary. Someone can / will / probably already has gotten hurt!

  • Mary Q. Contrary

    I come back to this every time I need a laugh!

  • Tzipora

    Meanwhile I think I found a redeeming quality for this experience! While reading your whole can’t turn it off, possessed toy, cats running for cover, being sent into exile tale I started imagining it as one of those so absurd its hilarious type of kitschy horror movies. Please, please team up with a movie production place and produce “My Possessed Vibe: The Fucking From Hell”. Please?

    It pinches, it terrifies. It has a MIND OF ITS OWN! Dun dun duuuuun