Dec 162013
 

It’s been a long time since a sex toy brought forth sheer, bubbling rage. The Shiri Zinn Cupcake Vibrator clearly came from the Sex Toy Gates of Hell. I’m here to banish it.

Everything angers me. The censorship of reviews for this tripe. The price tag. The arrogance of the creator. The vibrations – they are faux-powerful. It sounds rumbly and powerful, but it’s just loud. Even the cutesy, girly-girl femme kitschy look angers me. Why? This is what it reminds me of:

 Cartoon Cupcake

ShiriZinnCupcakeThe Cupcake Vibrator really is “life size”, the same size as your average cupcake. It is bizarrely packed in a polka-dotted red tin. Perhaps baked goods like a cupcake coming in a tin is a British thing? I don’t get it1. The leaflet enclosed, though, is nearly as horrifying as the vibrator itself. I read “5 speeds!” and then I think to myself that Shiri Zinn keeps using that word but I do not think it means what she thinks it means. There are two SPEEDS. Low and then high. Then there are three patterns. These make up five settings. Not speeds. There is no explanation to clear up the confusion on just how this stupid cupcake should be applied to your genitals. There are warnings about material care and lube. And then she gets (even more) ridiculous. She tells you not to use rechargeable batteries 2 but then she tells you that you should use the exact, bizarre brand of batteries she included. Which you can conveniently buy on her website. Forget Duracell, forget the super-charged Energizers, folks. Off-brand PKCELL is apparently where it’s at for power. What the actual fuck.

This is the perfect vibrator for people who:
A: can come by having someone blow on their clitoris
B: are into Littles play
C: are into sploshing play

 
The Good:

  • It’s made of silicone, although it does have a slight odor
  • *crickets*

The Bad:

  • Weak vibrations, which are the strongest in the “wrapper” section, meaning your hand will feel more than your clitoris
  • Loud. Cheap/rattly loud, like I would expect from a $15 vibrator
  • The cherry on top receives none of the vibrations, the complete opposite of any logic where this “vibrator” is concerned
  • The cherry is made of shiny silicone, and it does have a lot of drag3. Please do not apply it to your clit without a half-cup of lube present
  • The frosting is the lid, and it easily twists open – it could twist open in mid-use as you try in vain to feel something, anything
  • Least ergonomic “sex toy” ever, worse than the iGino One
  • Damn near incapable of providing most people with an orgasm
  • $45-50 is the average retail price, which is about $40 too much. Fuck you for charging that much.
  • Gives “adult novelties” a bad name
  • It’s not waterproof, it’s not even splashproof.
  • Which means – good fucking luck cleaning the ridges of the cupcake “liner” should you get desperate for something resembling vibration

Shirizinncupcakeopen shirizinncupcakebatteries

I at first said that this vibrator is the biggest joke that I’ve ever seen in my reviewing career, but on second thought it’s about on-par with things such as the Screaming O Studio Line Vibrating Makeup Brush (I’m sure I could easily lump the rest of that line, too).   The discretion factor is really pumped up hard with vibrators like these, and the Cupcake Vibrator is no exception. From the Liberator.com site:

Whether you’re looking for the perfect bachelorette gift or a treat for yourself, purchasing a “personal massager” can be embarrassing. Not to mention the idea of TSA finding one in your luggage, or your roommate digging the porn packaging out of the trash. Never fear, Cupcake by Shiri Zinn is the discreet, female vibrator that can still delivery a real treat. With 3 different pulsations and 2 speeds, this cute little vibrator provides the perfect calorie free treat. Small enough to fit in the palm of your hand, Cupcake measures 3 x 3 x 2.4″

*gag* Fuck you, Liberator.

From Vibrators.com: ( who, by the way, I now absolutely distrust)

The Cupcake Vibrator is a powerful vibrator disguised as a delicious treat. This luxury vibrator is perfect for intense clitoral stimulation.

No. Just….no. That’s a flat-out lie.

The Shiri Zinn Cupcake Vibrator could not bring me to orgasm. It couldn’t even bring me within a mile of an orgasm. I have determined that it is nothing more than an overpriced gag gift.

Again – is this a cosmic fucking joke? Nope. There are a few interviews with Shiri Zinn on Youtube, and she fully thinks that this is the best thing, like, ever.  I fully think that this is batshit insane, and I would never, ever recommend that anybody buy the Cupcake Vibrator. If you’d like to throw money away on a sex toy that doesn’t look like a sex toy for a gag gift, you’ll surely find something under $20. If you really want a functioning sex toy that doesn’t look like a sex toy for reals, there are many valid options out there – the Lelo Mia 2 isn’t bad. Options that will actually bring you to orgasm and not sound like an electric razor are out there, folks.  I would say that 90/95% of the vibrators I’ve reviewed are more powerful than the Cupcake, and I’ve reviewed some paltry vibrators.  Even the Jimmy Jane Hello Touch and Form 3 had more vibration power than this.

Please, do not waste your money on this cupcake-shaped vibrator. Avoid it. This vibrator actually offends me. Scratch that. The entire brand of Shiri Zinn offends me4.

 

downloadI acquired the Cupcake Vibrator on my own from an undisclosed source. My opinions are my own, and I tell nothing but the absolute truth – the truth being I absolutely detest this sex toy. Please be aware that there are reviews on the interwebs that have been edited and censored by the maker of the vibrator, in order to put the vibrator in the best light, as well as assure that “classy” reviews are the only thing written (p.s. orgasms are apparently not classy). I acquired this Cupcake so that I could finally bring you the truth. The following other reviewers have words to say about the Shiri Zinn Cupcake Vibrator, words which are also 100% truth, should you want an opinion that is perhaps less filled with hatred than my own:

 

  1. Then again I don’t “get” anything about this from concept to actualization, so at least she’s consistent. She has that going for her
  2. which is true, they really do lack the power oomph that vibrators need, and if you used a rechargeable battery on this thing it would likely have the gumption of a single honey bee trapped inside
  3. Someone asked me, as I was ranting about it, “is there drag?” Oh yes, it fucking drags like a righteous queen. Except in this case, it’s unpleasant.
  4. Tell me how much logic was involved in making a ceramic dildo for their strap-on harness? A motherfucking vibrator with a long feather-boa tail because a true lady has no bodily fluids or lube RIGHT? And the Shiri Zinn glass dildos?!?? I DIE. DIE. WHAT. WHY. Bezel-set crystals GLUED on to the top half of a glass dildo. Yeah, I bet that feels really great to hold on to. And how would you even clean that?? These sex toys remind me of the designers who make stuff for high-fashion catwalk shows. You know, the outfits that would never, ever fly in the real world and that no person would ever wear. They’re art. That’s what her overpriced glass dildos are. Art. Not a sex toy. Some companies manage to blend the two seamlessly, but not Shiri Zinn.  She’s taken the whole entire fucking point of a glass sex toy, and ruined it – no easy cleaning, no sanitizing, no temperature play.
  • http://madameamritastoybox.blogspot.com/ Madame Amrita

    omg finally somebody is speaking some sense around this ridiculous Shir Zinn crap! thank you thank you thank you! i respect you as a “sister reviewer” and posts like this one are why i follow and learn from you and a handful of other reviewers brutally honest. rave on Grrl.

  • http://arollinthehay.com K

    Wow. Just wow. I just… I can’t imagine something being that bad. And yet, there it is. And honestly I really wanted to like it but after reading all the reviews and the way the company has treated others, I won’t go near their brand. Ever.

    And NOT EVEN SPLASH PROOF? Are you kidding me???

    ~ Whoomp, there it is!
    (Sorry couldn’t resist)
    I can absolutely see why it’s not splashproof from the design but yeah…it’s like she was so focused and insistent on having the removable icing cap that she gave up that option. Good thing this vibrator won’t give orgasms, or squirters would have to stay away. OH WAIT. That’s not a class thing. She would disapprove of anything squirting, I bet. OR THE MERE MENTION OF IT! GASP!
    SQUIRT.
    SQUIRTING, MESSY ORGASMS.
    (just not with this piece of shit)

  • http://noveltiestoymeetsgirl.com dizzygirl

    Very insightful review. I agree with 100% of it.

  • Ima Godiva

    NOT good enough even as a gag gift. Unless you mean, “Gag me with a plastic cupcake”

  • http://www.diaryofakinkylibrarian.com Nadia West

    Thank you for yet again being a voice of honesty and reason in sex toy reviews. :-)

  • http://beckandherkinks.com Beck

    I know what they should make next. A milkshake dildo. I can see it now. Pink with a stupid cherry on top some bedazzled jewels around the base and horrible videos using the song “my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.”

  • Pamela Pegwell

    That’s disappointing. I’ve had my eye on the Shiri Zinn harness for awhile, but didn’t realize that the company had a bad reputation.

  • Heaven

    I would not even give this to anyone as a gag gift either I feel so embarrassed.

  • http://karasutrareviews.com Kara_Sutra

    I need in on this traveling cupcake shenaniganery. It sounds horrifyingly delightful.

  • http://zoehanis.com Zoe Hanis

    I dealt with Shiri Zinn for quite a while working for Life on the Swingset since Cooper requested I get one. She seemed to not understand that she could not have complete editorial control over what was written or pull the review if it was negative.

  • http://www.insatiabledesire.com/ Rayne Millaray

    I love the Minnie + Strawberry analogy. It’s totally like that.

  • http://madameamritastoybox.blogspot.com/ madame amrita

    The following is a series of email communications/correspondences between my self and Shiri Zinn, inventor of the nefarious “Cupcake Vibe”. She has threatened to post my emails and info publicly, so I beat her to it and, deleting just the real names, street adddresses, etc I have posted the meat of the emails as best I can here for you all to judge for yourselves. My crime was agreeing with another reviewer on the crappy quality of the vibe, its “overpricedness” yes I just made that word up! and the weak worthless vibrations etc. Hopefully putting the truth out there will discourage bad toy companies from intimidation techniques used to keep their products selling and on the shelves for the unsuspecting consumers!

    {Lilly here…I really wanted to share this info with everyone, but had to edit the comment here a bit to make it easier for all to read & understand what’s going on and cut back a little on it. Bold portions are my emphasis. The portions in italics are what was written to Shiri from Madame Amrita. Items inside the parathesis like this are places where I explain, like when I’ve cut something “for time”}

    {I redacted most of this for brevity but the gist is that Madame Amrita requested to review a Cupcake back in July of 2013; Shiri was having one sent from a retailer, however the item never showed up – the thing that sparked Shiri off here that is included is a comment Madame Amrita made on the cupcake review by Cara Sutra, in October. Basically it sounds like SZ is threatening to “out” the fact that MA requested and “supposedly received” a cupcake months ago and is now bashing it and SZ….except of course, that’s not really the case.}

    From: shiri zinn To: Madame Amrita Sent: Tuesday, 24 December 2013, 23:10
    RE: Dear… (Talk about a liar! I’ll send this to all my supplier contacts)
    shiri zinn 12/24/13 (13 days ago):
    So the facts show you GOT a cupcake in August, reviewed it, then you came back to ask for another one several months later (December) and, in between, you had a little rant about me below that you
    “are so glad you didn’t get one”. Should we put all this up in real time for the world to see? That should be really funny!!

    12/24/13 (13 days ago) 08 pm on October 7, 2013
    hhaha i find this review awesome..must admit partially due to being promised one of these over 3 months ago then email bitched at and never responded to again by Shiri Zinn in “person”. lol snob. anyway now i don’t even care, as her cute lil vibe is pretty much worthless to me and i’m so glad to see it confirmed here, i trust your reviews Darling. thx!

    From Shiri:
    Reply: Just for the record to show you are really not into “truth”; here is your email to me on 4th December: Should I make this public so everyone can see what “truth” you preach? Here it is: (redacted for brevity, see note above)

    From: Madame Amrita To: Shiri Zinn 12/26/13 (11 days ago) :
    i was pissed off initially because that sex toy party person said it was on its way but i never got it. no worries i know that happens sometimes with the best of companies. but what made me mad later is i sent a message out to my address book but accidentally put all the addies in one section instead of cc or bcc’ing them so everyone could see each others addresses, and you let me know in not such a friendly way to never do that again, it was an accident but, oh well. then i finally get to talk to the real shiri zinn and although you ended up acting nicer to me, your cupcake vibe is frikkin weak and although cute as a button, it’s reportedly (by everyone who’s reviewed it and posted about it) a worthless vibrator and WAYYYY too expensive for what it is. and i frankly agree. it looks like it might have minor vibrations but i’m not holding my breath and i feel jipped that i wasted so much effort trying to get one to test when all i got at first and subsequent tries was snobby and bitchy correspondence. so yes, i do agree with the reviewers who are being honest about the toy as far as a sexual stimulator goes it sux, cute does not count if a toy is weak. and i think you are really ripping people off as much as you charge for the toy. i seriously wanted it to be good as a sex toy cause i could dress up like strawberry shortcake and do a whole episode on cute or kawaii n japanese and other sex toys. but after reading everyone’s reviews…i will be giving a brutally honest review..and i’m really tired of people charging customers high prices for inferior strength toys. there is no excuse for that. and please DO SHARE my email response here because people know that i am loyal to my viewers NOT THE INVENTORS, RETAILERS, DISTRIBUTORS, MANUFACTURERS, or ADVERTISERS! i am the real deal and if you were full of integrity you would reduce the price and market it as a novel fun cute joke gag gift, not as a sex toy that gets you off. you have a red diletto in ceramic that is quite beautiful and looks effective. you ought to focus on selling the pieces like that, and chalk up the cupcake as to a learning experience and move on. you show promise as a designer, but the execution was just not up to par with your idea. i find it disturbing that toy companies react so vehemently to bad reviews. the good companies, say “THANK YOU for your seriously honest and sincere assessment of our product! now we can do better next time using your input. ” and most companies do that. but there will always be those companies like you who take it personally when a product fails to meet expectations. butthurt. and that’s all i have to say. good luck to you in the future. ps there were no cupcake/s delivered, you can check for tracking numbers and such or your records inventory etc will show that nothing was ever sent to my address.

    From Shiri Zinn To: Madame Amrita 12/27/13 (10 days ago):

    Dear Madame Amrita I have just had time to read through your emails. Firstly, your communication was at fault if you did not come back to me at the start to let me know you didn’t receive a toy! Secondly, there are many very strong & well known reviewers who have tried the product and approved it for various reasons. Its a light weight stimulator, and by every standard at least 5 times stronger than the rubber duck. That’s a fact. It doesn’t arouse everyone to orgasm because if you need pin point orgasm its not the right toy. Its amazing for thousands of couples wanting foreplay, and millions more women out there desperately requiring sexual initiation but so scared of many “scary” high strength toys (their words; tons of research based on so many women who shy away from sex due to intimidation, intense vibration, etc.) This relates to thousands of statistics and research done by many well documented psychology studies: My Minx, an excellent orgasm achiever for any hardcore or ardent sex toy user (including myself) is one of those “scary” toys for so many women out there who feel intimidated and put off. So while some bloggers like the circle you connected with may appreciate and demand highly intense orgasm, for which there is a RIGHT and a very authentic demand (and for which I have also designed for in my other ranges) there is ALSO a very serious and dire demand for the awakening of a hugely suppressed female wave; a quieter voice! Feedback from the middle American woman in sexually stagnant relationships has been amazing and elevated the level of both fun and arousal in THOSE relationships: My frigid mother is INDEED a boundary & a muse I will not ignore. Our world needs to push those boundaries too, not just the cutting edge. As regards price I make less than $2 on each piece sold to distributors. It strikes me (from that blogger circle in particular) they have no conception of how the industry prices work. I don’t see that profit; the stores do! Had I not made it in silicon it would have been cheaper. Each to their own; and the market place is full
    of good responses from a whole new market of folk which is a great joy to me. But its a whole different category (even species) who are just awakening & turned on differently to the dangerous lilies. Its a whole different psychology! It takes all types to make this world go round. As regards your reference to the ” Shiri Zinn team” I’m a ONE women show: I have no paid advertisers, staff, nor PR or “sales team”. I’m very proud to be a one woman show, like you! Best SZ

    From :Madame Amrita To: Shiri Zinn 27 Dec 2013: Shiri, You need to show your customers integrity by admitting to exaggerating the truth or just come out and say i’m really sorry i gave yall the impresssion my vibe would arouse you/stimulate you to orgasm etc. but i have been working on some other projects and maybe then you could offer a discount for their being a prior customer or just off a great introductory price so maybe they felt ripped before but they want to give you another chance because they feel you being sincere and also having a lovely gold decorated luxury strap on? you do what you have to do. but i am not backing down on the part about me saying that cupcake was a mistake, a big rip off and my strong feelings that i am glad other reviewers are telling it like it is to save customers their money and wasted time. i am honest to a fault. but i’d rather see you go “yes i know it kinda sux ok it is really weak and i priced it too high. but gimme another chance and i won’t disappoint!” people respond to that! it takes guts to stand up and say i messed up”. put it this way: i will go out of my way to tell your story and promote whatever pieces you create in the future that you obviously have used your brain and talents and creativity to bring into being. if you convince me, or any other reviewer ok? that you are into this not just to make a buck. but to make a living from selling your art pieces that are functional, lol, pieces that are get the job done AND are priced fairly! i would love to help promote someone with that mindset…i get so tired of weak toys and you have a unique opportunity to use this to your advantage on the next creation. it’s totally up to you. i hope 2014 proves to be profitable and pleasurable for us both. xo “Madame Amrita”™ ~Sex Educator & Adult Product Reviewer~

    {Me again. Firstly, Shiri if you’re listening, the name is LILLY. Nothing like the flower. I’m assuming you are referring to me with the reference to “dangerous lilies” like I’m some kind of poisonous flower. Thanks for the laugh, but fuck off. Secondly, while the vibration strength is absolutely the biggest complaint about this toy, it is far from the only complaint. It’s one of a dozen issues that many of us take. Hopefully my readers and other retailers even are reading this and see what an absolute DELIGHT Ms Shiri Zinn is to work with, and will take heed}