Fishy For Men Presents: Eau de Desperation

Ok so I have a little bit of a confession to make: I have a secret Fetlife profile. Not “secret” as in I’m posing as someone else or whatnot, well, not exactly….it’s just a blank profile. Seriously. Blank:

Why do I have it? To see the profiles and photos that my friends want to show me. I had lost all interest in using Fetlife as another social network; I’d lost interest in anything BDSM related for a long time for reasons long-time readers will know about; and with Fetlife there is no location-discretion unless you outright lie. So, I deleted the Lilly profile ages ago. But in order to see other people’s profiles and photos, you must have a Fetlife account so I created a dummy version. It’s as empty as empty can be, almost. My profile tells people only three things:

• My age
• My city
• My sexual orientation and kink orientation

Pretty broad strokes, if you ask me. Anybody who would be idiotic, desperate, stupid enough to pursue someone with a blank profile is askin for it.

For what, you ask?

For a Dickhead Files rant.

To say that I didn’t even have to try for today’s content is an understatement. My profile was never, ever meant to speak to people or try to garner meetings/dates. Before I get to the Really Big Asshat of the Day, we’ll gloss over the Asshats that came before him.

A 40-something submissive man in my area (note that my profile lists me as Switch, and does not say that I’m “looking for” anything):

love to be your sub…..if you want to chat sometime let me know

This one, a nearly-60 “dominant” at least acknowledges that my profile is bare:

You do not have much to say on your profile but I am interested. I have switched in the past. Look forward to talking with you.

HOW can you be interested?!? WHAT, pray tell, is there to be interested IN? Does this mean he would be equally interested in a cardboard cut-out? Perhaps a nice rubber doll?

This next guy just text-vomits all over the place:

Hi I know I maybe older than you were looking for but don’t let that fool you I am shaved and very wild. I have been with younger women many times and understand their desires and needs. My turn on is the woman not me. I love being naked and playing with you for hours. I do not dream fantasies I live them and my greatest pleasure is helping you live yours without any limits what so ever as we share and learn from each other. I like oral, showers, anal, dominate & submissive, master / slave, bondage, role-play, Exhibitionism/Voyeurism, open cams, Lactation, play rape (no pain), foreplay, masturbation together, public places, 3somes, group, erotic chat, phone sex, sense of touch, massages, mirrors, food, intimacy, romance, Misc. fetishes, and so much more.

*blinks* Did I ASK for this shit, dude??

Anyways.

This guy, his first message was bland. Short. Nothing personal in it, really. I paid it no mind the first time he sent it.

Yes, the first time. I think that perhaps he sends out so many that he forgets? Or he’d already sent one message to every woman in the tri-state area and was now on round 2 of “try try again”.

I am John, 42, white male, {redacted} area. I am looking for a relationship or play partner. Message me back if you can and call me at {redacted, tho I’m tempted to list it}.

This occurred at the tail end of a shitastic week. I mean, seriously seriously shitty. A week of stress and turmoil and occasional loneliness. If it weren’t for his randomly bad timing I may never have replied but I did.

Oh, did I.

Ok, seriously? I have no photos, no information of any sort – basically a totally blank profile. Are you that desperate that you are just blindly sending the same message over and over again to everybody in the tristate area? I’m not active here and yet you’ve sent me the same msg more than once. And you’re giving your number to random profiles?!? Dude….not smart. Not at all.

Honey, you can’t call yourself “hot” without the attitude and/or the looks to back it up and I can see is desperation. Not pretty.

His profile name, which I won’t give out the exact name, starts with “hot”. I looked, for the hell of it, and found about 100 guys on FL whose profile name is some version of hotguy(something), hotmale(something), hotboy/man(something), etc. I’m all for confidence but….this is just too much.

Sorry I didn’t realize you had an attitude. I belong to GQ magazine also.

Horrible text-speaking voice. He attempted a joke and it fell as flat as his personality.

LOL ….. GQ….. oh that’s a good one. Thanks for the morning laugh, I needed it. Also, just an FYI but given your wording and tone in messages I couldn’t have been more shocked to find out you fancy yourself dominant. I really pegged you for submissive.

And it’s true. Not much of anything (not that he’s got much there) says to me: Dominant.

And here, PA “intelligence” shines through:

Your so full of yourself you sound more like a transvesite. Your real name is Bob right. You really know nothing about me. The GQ magazine thing was a joke. That is how dumb you are that you took it seriously.

I have no words. Just laughter.

When I decide to check out his profile better (that’s it in the pic above)  I see some interesting things, and some suspicious things. He says nothing in his profile really, just that he’s straight, yet his recent (and only) status message says “I like dicks yum in my tum”. *shrugs* whatever dude. At the bottom of the profile is the “wall”. It’s meant for OTHER people to leave you a public comment on your page. He commented on his own. It’s so hysterically funny I might pass out.

He also wrote a short blogpost, because the FL group he started (for single submissive females in his area that are bereft and alone and need a Dom) wasn’t advertisement enough, the he’s looking for a sub.

You have to see this.

Other women that he’s probably randomly messaged are saying these wonderful gems:

• “Uh yeah, you are gonna have to work a bit harder than that to attract the attention of a girl on this website, sub or not.”
• “Sub doesn’t equal indiscriminate. Work on your game.”
• “See, we like to at least read a bit about a guy, before we get interested. The question mark avatar is not original. You sent me a note, but maybe you failed to read my profile, which has a lot of information on it. Not sure that your being “into giving pubic hair” is sharing information, per se.”
• “Well, we can tell he failed English composition from his lack of words. Writer’s block or nothing of substance to say? More likely to BE nothing of substance.”

LOL

Readers, your thoughts?

My guess? Aside from the obvious, which is that this guy has absolutely no clue how the D/s world works….. Either he’s not had a date in like, ever, and just wants to “dominate” a girl into getting laid or he’s a psycho stalker who will kill you in a gruesome manner should you ever meet him.