Dec 122012

The number of articles written about the insipid and unfortunate trilogy, 50 Shades, is staggering. But at least most of them are better written than the actual books. Just look at the 1/2 star reviews on Amazon to see what I mean if you’ve managed to miss out on that aspect. This article I stumbled across today points out that while the actual sex is indeed a ridiculous fairy tale, the relationship is a tale of caution.

Much of the media attention thus far has focused on the BDSM relationship between the two main characters. What’s missing, though — in the media, probably in our book clubs and certainly in our conversations with our teenage daughters — is a discussion of a serious and dangerous aspect of their relationship.

Let’s be clear: We’re not talking about BDSM. Our concern is that the interaction between the characters outside the bedroom has been ignored.

From the beginning of the series, Christian Grey’s need to control Ana Steele is unmistakable. He gives her a laptop and BlackBerry so she can be instantly available and shows up at her house when she doesn’t respond quickly enough. He flies thousands of miles to her mother’s house, unexpected and uninvited. The examples go on and on. These events are explained away as romantic, as products of Christian’s intensity, his wealth, his need to control, his childhood abuse. But they are not romantic, nor are they justifiable. They are hallmarks of intimate partner violence (IPV).

And it touches on the stalker aspects of Mr. Grey:

Intimate partner stalking includes repeated and unwanted contact or attention that causes the victim to fear her own safety or the safety of others. Over 16 percent of women have experienced stalking during their lifetimes, and two-thirds of those have been stalked by an intimate partner, such as a boyfriend, spouse or girlfriend. Although alarming, these rates likely underestimate the actual prevalence, as most instances of IPV are not reported to the police. The most common form of stalking is repeated and unwanted phone calls or text messages; Christian’s first gifts of a laptop and BlackBerry may not be coincidental.

Millions of women are romanticizing the entire book series, skimming over the IPV and focusing on the unrealistic sex and the “romance”. Women who are in the position of Ana Steele likely do not recognize it at first. Even when they do recognize it, they feel that there is nothing that can be done. After all, what will the cops do about phone and email stalking and harassing? Not much until the perpetrator threatens harm or shows up in person. Yet to live with that kind of stalking is terrifying, sickening and is a life filled with despair.

What’s worse though is reading the comments on this article. There are a few people who are still unable to see Christian’s actions as “stalkerish” and still see it as “romantic”. Too many people are going to think that because “oh he had good reason”. There is never good reason to behave this way.

’50 Shades of Grey’: Expanding the Conversation from Sexy to Safety by Peggy Andover, PhD and Colleen Jacobson

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~

This great post, written well before the 50 Shades bullshit, is very useful for not just kinksters but anyone who is dating. Remove the BDSM aspects and you still have a creepy, unhealthy person: A Field Guide to Creepy Dom.

The Creepy Dom isn’t just a character in a Dungeon or sex club, he (or she) can be the predator next door, the sweet person you develop an online relationship with, or the guy you meet through the vanilla dating site. Sadly, the ability to recognize and run away isn’t something gained with age. The writer of the post linked does talk about the propensity for young girls in the kink scene to be fooled by “Doms” older than their father but I assure you the ability to be conned and believe the con is not bound by age. It can happen to anyone, be they 18, 34 or 52. I wish I had seen this post years ago and memorized it like a doctrine. 

The anatomy of a Creepy Dom, according to Asher (explanations available in the post, so read it):

1. He comes on too strong, too fast

2. He’s consensually challenged

3. He has “connections” and is “experienced”

4. He “essentializes” dominance and submissions

5. He manipulates your desire to be a good bottom

6. He’s usually doing something wrong

I’d like to add in one of my own:

7. He seeks out submissives who have little to no real life experience, for they are easier to manipulate

Read it. Memorize it. Live it. And be careful out there.

Do you have any to add to the list, after reading Asher’s post?

Feb 262012

“She was asking for it, dressed like that”

It’s a common “rape apologist” statement. The women who are raped are blamed because they dared to present themselves as a sexual being. I think that sex bloggers get a little bit of this mentality from male readers. I present my sexual thoughts or even sexual photos. Once upon a time on this blog I even asked for HNT suggestions for new sexy photos. I don’t do that anymore for various reasons. In fact I’m not all that provocative or sexual, period, on this blog. That is a topic though for another post.

My irritation1 lies with the readers who “in fun” take what I give and then demand more. In the vein of “it never hurts to ask” they claim they’re being flirtatious or really just paying me a compliment. If I wanted suggestions, I would ask for them. If I wanted to post more (quantity) photos here, then I would. If I wanted to post more revealing photos here, then I would. But the key here is that it’s whatever I want to do. If you don’t like it, if you don’t find it to be “enough”….then please, seek out what you want elsewhere. There are no shortage (thank god) of sexy sex bloggers who are more revealing, more flirtatious, more interactive than I. I’ve been at this 4 years now and perhaps this is a sign to wrap things up but nonetheless I’ll thank you to keep your assumptive asshattery to yourself.

What prompted this mini rant, you ask? Not just yet another guy2 who thinks it’s ok to ask for more (even when it should be plainly obvious that I have never / not for 3 years posted anything like it) but the utter cheek of a fellow blogger, a fellow female sex blogger (I presume, given her response, I haven’t a clue what her site is) who then takes my response to the guy and makes assumptions about HER. I don’t even know this chick. I didn’t make a derogatory comment about others who might post such photos, I didn’t say “ew gross no”. I said nothing but “I don’t do that”.


My response would have been similar if someone had commented and asked “Hey that’s great, but you really should review breakfast cereal more!” to which I’d say “Um, have you read my blog, does it look like I review breakfast cereal??” Would I be slamming those who review breakfast cereal? Fuck no. Nor am I slamming the women who do post porn with their reviews.

I might have happily acquiesced if he’d caught me circa late 2008 and had bothered to correspond with me and develop a rapport. Might have. But other than a few other irritatingly “cute” comments on Facebook, I don’t know this guy. He’s the equivalent to a stranger spying me wearing a low-cut top and asking, with an arrogant grin, for me to just show off the rest of my tits why don’t I. Ms. Buttinsky there is the equivalent to a stranger in proximity saying “hey, I’m a stripper, I take offense to your offense at baring your tits, what’s wrong with that, I do it all the time you bitch!”. Anyways, I’m getting off track here.

The bottom line is that now I not only have to deal with the “ugh, not this shit again” of unwanted and disrespectful demands for more of me, but I can’t even tell someone off on my own goddamned space of the internet without someone not at all involved thinking she has any damn right to assume and be offended at a perceived slight.


Fuck off.

  1. Read: NOT “offense”, just abject irritation
  2. Because I’ve written, and other sex bloggers have written, about men who continually ask for way more than we care to give to a stranger and that point isn’t what I’m hounding on here, in case ya couldn’t read that much into it for yourself
Feb 212012

When your first line of communication is text-based, you  really should try to make a good first impression. I don’t mean that you need to hire Cyrano to ghost-write your profile, or be insincere or embellish anything. Be yourself. However, be yourself with decent spelling, grammar and punctuation. We’re not grading here (unless you message a teacher) but it speaks louder than your words: It says “I don’t care”.  For reference, Case File #267:

His first message:

Hey how are you
I am Shane I would like to talk and get to know you
I saw you and I have a bit in common and seem to be looking 1
for the same things let me know ifi ts possible

My response:

#1. I do not know what the hell this means: “you are defiantly raland honest then i look foward to getting to know you” 2

#2. You live more than an hour from me. Which means you didn’t read my profile. 3

#3. You would not consider having an open relationship – since I am married, that would make things impossible 4

#4. You seem to be a conservative Christian. We have very opposing views that I find important. 5

Are you just sending this same message out to everyone, hoping someone will take the bait? Seems like it.6

His “zinger”:

omg seriously no i am not sending same message
you way over analyze things and read to much into things that are not there
and i was simply trying to talk and get to know you
its your personality alone right there in this email that i a huge turn off
and that will keep u from getting a decent man if you do they will be nothing more then a door mat cause i am not one to sit by and talk to anyone who insults me when all i did was try and be nice and talk to them learn how to approach people you are shallow and close minded and personally it makes you insignificant take care dont bother replying im blocking you7

Other gems from his profile include:

“Looking for the right person to get to know see where it can lead and have turn to some thing long term and amazing. Hey wait lol a guy who is not afraid of commitment lol.”

“im not a bar or club person
not my style like going out butttttttt
would rather be with someone i am with at home”


I didn’t change a thing on those.

This says so many things to me. First, he’s 34. He’s way past the “text speak” generation (which is never any excuse, anyways). Unless the whole entire profile was written from his smartphone OkCupid App, then the lack of punctuation, capitalization, sentence structure and odd line spacing just scream “Lazy”. I really don’t know what else to think. Theory is, you’re trying to woo people, impress them, show your best side. If this is his best side then I’d hate to see the rest.

Make your first message count. Make it personal, but on the flip side don’t write 4 long paragraphs. If you have things in common, point them out. Ask a question other than “Hey what’s up / how are you / does this thing work for you”. *yawn* I actually say right off the bat in my profile to please not just message me with “Hey what’s up” or “Hi” or “Nice pics” because it’s lazy and I won’t respond. It’s the first sentence. So when I get message like that, and yeah of course I do, they immediately get trashed because it’s clear they didn’t read my profile. And if you’re on a site like OkCupid – why in the fuck wouldn’t you read someone’s profile before messaging them??

  1. Our match percentages: 62% match, 46% friend, 33% enemy. While I don’t rely on the OkCupid algorithm entirely, I’ve found that it’s often quite a good indicator since it’s based on our answers to questions. What part of this sounds like we have anything in common? I also state that I’m not looking for sex, or dating, just FRIENDS
  2. It’s in his “You should message me if..” section
  3. Stating a fact here! He lives 49 miles from me which is actually 1.5 hours driving time, and I state this twice in my profile that someone should be less than an hour from me
  4. This was one of the Questions answered. Ironically, his status is listed “Available” which in order to get that status, you have to tell OkC that you’re either married or in a relationship but yet still check off the “dating” options in what you’re looking for
  5. I couldn’t find anything at ALL that we had in common. Nothing. HE’s religious, Christian, is opposed to abortion no matter what, not even a little kinky, BUT YET answered that if he was seeing someone it would take 1-2 dates before he’d fuck them, whereas I put 3-5
  6. Well it DOES! It’s not personalized at all, he references nothing specific that we have in common and he ignored three really big things on my profile
  7. I don’t know what happens when you block someone….are they told that they’ve been blocked when they try to message you? If that’s true, then he didn’t block me. Either way, I sent him back a message finally that actually was insulting and called him out on the grammar and idiocy. Then I blocked him!
Sep 302011

I’ll keep you my dirty little secret,
Don’t tell anyone or you’ll be just another regret.
~All American Rejects “Dirty Little Secret”

For some people, being or having a “dirty little secret” is erotic in and of itself. I might have considered myself one of those people in the past, but no longer. It’s taken being someone else’s secret for a few years to make me realize that it’s a sucky place to be. When the irony adds to injury, that there’s no reason for me to be a secret anymore because we’re now just friends, it stings a little more. And so, in my search on OkCupid for local friends, I’ve discounted married men who are not in an open/poly marriage. I specifically state that in my profile, yet of course they’re the type who won’t read a profile in full. Or worse, they’re the type who see that I don’t want what they’re offering and their ego says “Yeah but I’m different” and they contact me anyways.

I had one such debate recently with someone. Typical married-man profile: Not much information, no photo and in an introductory email he says he lives in city A when he listed city B on his profile. Usually I just tell these men to go to Ashley Madison instead, they’ll have better luck finding a mistress. The most recent guy insisted he just wanted a good friend. Nothing more. Except….I would still be a secret. It’s really hard to have a friend and be a friend when there’s secrets like that involved. For a number of years I knew that if my close friend should fall ill or worse, I wouldn’t know about it. No one in his life knew about me. I couldn’t text or call him whenever I wanted, no matter what. There were rules and restrictions. There still are. I explained this briefly to OKC guy and it was after the 3rd exchange that it sunk in my head that he wasn’t listening; was he even reading what I wrote? Or had he become such a master at evasion and redirection that he could be mistaken for a politician or lawyer?

“Sometimes it’s easier/better to keep things under a cover” In response to me saying I was not interested in being anyone’s secret, and I would only date/friend married men in open & honest relationships.

“I am sincerely lacking one aspect of a relationship, and you will get in return a Safe, Sane and smart companion. I don’t have anything else going, and no plans either, just one open and understanding friend.” Just one friend?

Again I reiterated that I’ve already been down this road and it doesn’t lead to a very fair or equal friendship and I wasn’t interested in doing it again. “I completely understand your stand, and there’s no force on my part. All I can do is try to tell you how “I” am. If nothing else worked out, I “was” pretty sure you’d be VERY much fun to plainly hang out with as a person. If you think this is about fairness, may be I was wrong.”

I know, you can’t fix stupid, but wow. So I’m no longer fun because I don’t want a secretive friendship? Nice.  I’m now ignoring all his messages because he can’t seem to get the hint. Something else he’s said three times in only 6 messages is that he won’t “force” himself on me/anyone, yet he keeps messaging me. The language he uses, the deflection and weasel words, all spell trouble. At least I’m smarter now.

 Posted by at 2:17 pm
Apr 082011

A quick break in my lovefest blogging of MomentumCon. Today’s post is brought to you by the never-failing producer of sex blog fodder, OkCupid.

Now, I could just ignore this email. But I’m actually not sure how I feel about it.

To preface: This guy’s profile is kinda weird. Not necessarily weird in a bad way, just that he’s using a type of humor that I’m not responsive to right now. Or wit. Whatever. So his language/wording is off-putting in a way, even in the first paragraph. But it’s the second paragraph that’s irking me.His reference to thinking ahead is that I have listed myself already in my new town noting that I’ll be moving to it soon.

You think ahead. I can appreciate that. I’ll probably be here in may, so I’m saying hi. You seem… competent. And confident. Good things that begin with C.

I’m pretty turned on by the fact that you’re married. Is that good or bad for you? I’m liking the idea of having you and then returning you to your main man. tell me about how that sits with you.

First of all, my profile is more geared towards friendship. I mention it twice, in fact. I do not have the “casual sex” box ticked off. But he probably only skimmed the profile anyways.

My first reaction is that I’m offended. Disgusted by him. He’s objectifying me and he doesn’t even know me! His primary interest in me seems to be the mere fact that I’m married. WTF happened to getting to know someone first before coming on so strongly? This isn’t AFF where sex is the bigger end-game target. Not one thing in my profile suggest that I’d respond favorably to such a blatantly sexual message.

My second, more thought-out reaction is leaning more towards tolerance. Ok so maybe that’s his kink. And if we’d already had a well-established rapport and chemistry with each other I wouldn’t be offended by that statement.

Would you?

I’m debating on replying to him, and if I do, how and what to say. Do I play the indignant, offended “you misogynistic jackass” card? Or do I attempt to tell him that I’m not interested, I’m looking for friends and that he was out of line with his comment since it was his first message to me. Do I show tolerance? Or is he just truly a douchenozzle in an asshat that I can go off on?

Update: I replied. He replied. Apparently I’m a frigid bitch, lol, and there’s a lot of other gals on OKC who are much easier than I. Here’s the convo:

ME: It doesn’t sit well. At least this early on, that is. Perhaps if you’d admitted that after a connection and chemistry was established I’d be more accepting. It’s a valid kink.

But since you do not know me at all and that is the only thing about me that you showed interest in it very much feels like objectification and is a huge turn off.

HIM: ah, alright then. i guess i go for the sexual connection first and see what develops especially when there’s no relationship in the mix.

ME: But you cannot just snap your fingers, lead with an overt hit like that and expect a favorable response. A sexual connection is not instant.

You’d do better trying this attempt on women who have checked off the “casual sex” box, or in response to nsa craigslist ads.

HIM: you’d be surprised how often this works on okcupid, actually. I’m really not looking for more than someone to chat with, lean on/support emotionally in a light, friendly way, and fuck regularly… the bar for this is often passed after a 5 minute meeting in public. The only problem is that i can’t tell who’s into it till i ask :) I got your “no”, and that’s fine. let me know if you change your mind.


 Posted by at 6:01 pm
Sep 182010

Ok so I have a little bit of a confession to make: I have a secret Fetlife profile. Not “secret” as in I’m posing as someone else or whatnot, well, not exactly….it’s just a blank profile. Seriously. Blank:

Why do I have it? To see the profiles and photos that my friends want to show me. I had lost all interest in using Fetlife as another social network; I’d lost interest in anything BDSM related for a long time for reasons long-time readers will know about; and with Fetlife there is no location-discretion unless you outright lie. So, I deleted the Lilly profile ages ago. But in order to see other people’s profiles and photos, you must have a Fetlife account so I created a dummy version. It’s as empty as empty can be, almost. My profile tells people only three things:

  • My age
  • My city
  • My sexual orientation and kink orientation

Pretty broad strokes, if you ask me. Anybody who would be idiotic, desperate, stupid enough to pursue someone with a blank profile is askin for it.

For what, you ask?

For a Dickhead Files rant.

To say that I didn’t even have to try for today’s content is an understatement. My profile was never, ever meant to speak to people or try to garner meetings/dates. Before I get to the Really Big Asshat of the Day, we’ll gloss over the Asshats that came before him.

A 40-something submissive man in my area (note that my profile lists me as Switch, and does not say that I’m “looking for” anything):

love to be your sub…..if you want to chat sometime let me know

This one, a nearly-60 “dominant” at least acknowledges that my profile is bare:

You do not have much to say on your profile but I am interested. I have switched in the past. Look forward to talking with you.

HOW can you be interested?!? WHAT, pray tell, is there to be interested IN? Does this mean he would be equally interested in a cardboard cut-out? Perhaps a nice rubber doll?

This next guy just text-vomits all over the place:

Hi I know I maybe older than you were looking for but don’t let that fool you I am shaved and very wild. I have been with younger women many times and understand their desires and needs. My turn on is the woman not me. I love being naked and playing with you for hours. I do not dream fantasies I live them and my greatest pleasure is helping you live yours without any limits what so ever as we share and learn from each other. I like oral, showers, anal, dominate & submissive, master / slave, bondage, role-play, Exhibitionism/Voyeurism, open cams, Lactation, play rape (no pain), foreplay, masturbation together, public places, 3somes, group, erotic chat, phone sex, sense of touch, massages, mirrors, food, intimacy, romance, Misc. fetishes, and so much more.

*blinks* Did I ASK for this shit, dude??


This guy, his first message was bland. Short. Nothing personal in it, really. I paid it no mind the first time he sent it.

Yes, the first time. I think that perhaps he sends out so many that he forgets? Or he’d already sent one message to every woman in the tri-state area and was now on round 2 of “try try again”.

I am John, 42, white male, {redacted} area. I am looking for a relationship or play partner. Message me back if you can and call me at {redacted, tho I’m tempted to list it}.

This occurred at the tail end of a shitastic week. I mean, seriously seriously shitty. A week of stress and turmoil and occasional loneliness. If it weren’t for his randomly bad timing I may never have replied but I did.

Oh, did I.

Ok, seriously? I have no photos, no information of any sort – basically a totally blank profile. Are you that desperate that you are just blindly sending the same message over and over again to everybody in the tristate area? I’m not active here and yet you’ve sent me the same msg more than once. And you’re giving your number to random profiles?!? Dude….not smart. Not at all.

Honey, you can’t call yourself “hot” without the attitude and/or the looks to back it up and I can see is desperation. Not pretty.

His profile name, which I won’t give out the exact name, starts with “hot”. I looked, for the hell of it, and found about 100 guys on FL whose profile name is some version of hotguy(something), hotmale(something), hotboy/man(something), etc. I’m all for confidence but….this is just too much.

Sorry I didn’t realize you had an attitude. I belong to GQ magazine also.

Horrible text-speaking voice. He attempted a joke and it fell as flat as his personality.

LOL ….. GQ….. oh that’s a good one. Thanks for the morning laugh, I needed it. Also, just an FYI but given your wording and tone in messages I couldn’t have been more shocked to find out you fancy yourself dominant. I really pegged you for submissive.

And it’s true. Not much of anything (not that he’s got much there) says to me: Dominant.

And here, PA “intelligence” shines through:

Your so full of yourself you sound more like a transvesite. Your real name is Bob right. You really know nothing about me. The GQ magazine thing was a joke. That is how dumb you are that you took it seriously.

I have no words. Just laughter.

When I decide to check out his profile better (that’s it in the pic above)  I see some interesting things, and some suspicious things. He says nothing in his profile really, just that he’s straight, yet his recent (and only) status message says “I like dicks yum in my tum”. *shrugs* whatever dude. At the bottom of the profile is the “wall”. It’s meant for OTHER people to leave you a public comment on your page. He commented on his own. It’s so hysterically funny I might pass out.

He also wrote a short blogpost, because the FL group he started (for single submissive females in his area that are bereft and alone and need a Dom) wasn’t advertisement enough, the he’s looking for a sub.

You have to see this.

Other women that he’s probably randomly messaged are saying these wonderful gems:

  • “Uh yeah, you are gonna have to work a bit harder than that to attract the attention of a girl on this website, sub or not.”
  • “Sub doesn’t equal indiscriminate. Work on your game.”
  • “See, we like to at least read a bit about a guy, before we get interested. The question mark avatar is not original. You sent me a note, but maybe you failed to read my profile, which has a lot of information on it. Not sure that your being “into giving pubic hair” is sharing information, per se.”
  • “Well, we can tell he failed English composition from his lack of words. Writer’s block or nothing of substance to say? More likely to BE nothing of substance.”


Readers, your thoughts?

My guess? Aside from the obvious, which is that this guy has absolutely no clue how the D/s world works….. Either he’s not had a date in like, ever, and just wants to “dominate” a girl into getting laid or he’s a psycho stalker who will kill you in a gruesome manner should you ever meet him.

 Posted by at 8:10 pm