Posted by Lilly | 2 Comments

How (not) to Impress and Woo on Okcupid: Message Dos and Don’ts

When your first line of communication is text-based, you  really should try to make a good first impression. I don’t mean that you need to hire Cyrano to ghost-write your profile, or be insincere or embellish anything. Be yourself. However, be yourself with decent spelling, grammar and punctuation. We’re not grading here (unless you message a teacher) but it speaks louder than your words: It says “I don’t care”.  For reference, Case File #267:

His first message:

Hey how are you
I am Shane I would like to talk and get to know you
I saw you and I have a bit in common and seem to be looking ¹
for the same things let me know ifi ts possible
shane

My response:

#1. I do not know what the hell this means: “you are defiantly raland honest then i look foward to getting to know you” ²

#2. You live more than an hour from me. Which means you didn’t read my profile. ³

#3. You would not consider having an open relationship – since I am married, that would make things impossible ⁴

#4. You seem to be a conservative Christian. We have very opposing views that I find important. ⁵

Are you just sending this same message out to everyone, hoping someone will take the bait? Seems like it.⁶

His “zinger”:

omg seriously no i am not sending same message
you way over analyze things and read to much into things that are not there
and i was simply trying to talk and get to know you
its your personality alone right there in this email that i a huge turn off
and that will keep u from getting a decent man if you do they will be nothing more then a door mat cause i am not one to sit by and talk to anyone who insults me when all i did was try and be nice and talk to them learn how to approach people you are shallow and close minded and personally it makes you insignificant take care dont bother replying im blocking you⁷

Other gems from his profile include:

“Looking for the right person to get to know see where it can lead and have turn to some thing long term and amazing. Hey wait lol a guy who is not afraid of commitment lol.”

“im not a bar or club person
not my style like going out butttttttt
would rather be with someone i am with at home”

“I DO NOT DO FWB FLINGS OR RANDOM HOOK UPS
SO IF THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE INTO PLEASE DO NOT MESSAGE ME “

I didn’t change a thing on those.

This says so many things to me. First, he’s 34. He’s way past the “text speak” generation (which is never any excuse, anyways). Unless the whole entire profile was written from his smartphone OkCupid App, then the lack of punctuation, capitalization, sentence structure and odd line spacing just scream “Lazy”. I really don’t know what else to think. Theory is, you’re trying to woo people, impress them, show your best side. If this is his best side then I’d hate to see the rest.

Make your first message count. Make it personal, but on the flip side don’t write 4 long paragraphs. If you have things in common, point them out. Ask a question other than “Hey what’s up / how are you / does this thing work for you”. *yawn* I actually say right off the bat in my profile to please not just message me with “Hey what’s up” or “Hi” or “Nice pics” because it’s lazy and I won’t respond. It’s the first sentence. So when I get message like that, and yeah of course I do, they immediately get trashed because it’s clear they didn’t read my profile. And if you’re on a site like OkCupid – why in the fuck wouldn’t you read someone’s profile before messaging them??

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Posted by Lilly | 2 Comments

The Dirty Little Secret

I’ll keep you my dirty little secret,
Don’t tell anyone or you’ll be just another regret.
~All American Rejects “Dirty Little Secret”

For some people, being or having a “dirty little secret” is erotic in and of itself. I might have considered myself one of those people in the past, but no longer. It’s taken being someone else’s secret for a few years to make me realize that it’s a sucky place to be. When the irony adds to injury, that there’s no reason for me to be a secret anymore because we’re now just friends, it stings a little more. And so, in my search on OkCupid for local friends, I’ve discounted married men who are not in an open/poly marriage. I specifically state that in my profile, yet of course they’re the type who won’t read a profile in full. Or worse, they’re the type who see that I don’t want what they’re offering and their ego says “Yeah but I’m different” and they contact me anyways.

I had one such debate recently with someone. Typical married-man profile: Not much information, no photo and in an introductory email he says he lives in city A when he listed city B on his profile. Usually I just tell these men to go to Ashley Madison instead, they’ll have better luck finding a mistress. The most recent guy insisted he just wanted a good friend. Nothing more. Except….I would still be a secret. It’s really hard to have a friend and be a friend when there’s secrets like that involved. For a number of years I knew that if my close friend should fall ill or worse, I wouldn’t know about it. No one in his life knew about me. I couldn’t text or call him whenever I wanted, no matter what. There were rules and restrictions. There still are. I explained this briefly to OKC guy and it was after the 3rd exchange that it sunk in my head that he wasn’t listening; was he even reading what I wrote? Or had he become such a master at evasion and redirection that he could be mistaken for a politician or lawyer?

“Sometimes it’s easier/better to keep things under a cover” In response to me saying I was not interested in being anyone’s secret, and I would only date/friend married men in open & honest relationships.

“I am sincerely lacking one aspect of a relationship, and you will get in return a Safe, Sane and smart companion. I don’t have anything else going, and no plans either, just one open and understanding friend.” Just one friend?

Again I reiterated that I’ve already been down this road and it doesn’t lead to a very fair or equal friendship and I wasn’t interested in doing it again. “I completely understand your stand, and there’s no force on my part. All I can do is try to tell you how “I” am. If nothing else worked out, I “was” pretty sure you’d be VERY much fun to plainly hang out with as a person. If you think this is about fairness, may be I was wrong.”

I know, you can’t fix stupid, but wow. So I’m no longer fun because I don’t want a secretive friendship? Nice.  I’m now ignoring all his messages because he can’t seem to get the hint. Something else he’s said three times in only 6 messages is that he won’t “force” himself on me/anyone, yet he keeps messaging me. The language he uses, the deflection and weasel words, all spell trouble. At least I’m smarter now.

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Posted by Lilly | 7 Comments

Annoyance or Tolerance?

A quick break in my lovefest blogging of MomentumCon. Today’s post is brought to you by the never-failing producer of sex blog fodder, OkCupid.

Now, I could just ignore this email. But I’m actually not sure how I feel about it.

To preface: This guy’s profile is kinda weird. Not necessarily weird in a bad way, just that he’s using a type of humor that I’m not responsive to right now. Or wit. Whatever. So his language/wording is off-putting in a way, even in the first paragraph. But it’s the second paragraph that’s irking me.His reference to thinking ahead is that I have listed myself already in my new town noting that I’ll be moving to it soon.

You think ahead. I can appreciate that. I’ll probably be here in may, so I’m saying hi. You seem… competent. And confident. Good things that begin with C.

I’m pretty turned on by the fact that you’re married. Is that good or bad for you? I’m liking the idea of having you and then returning you to your main man. tell me about how that sits with you.

First of all, my profile is more geared towards friendship. I mention it twice, in fact. I do not have the “casual sex” box ticked off. But he probably only skimmed the profile anyways.

My first reaction is that I’m offended. Disgusted by him. He’s objectifying me and he doesn’t even know me! His primary interest in me seems to be the mere fact that I’m married. WTF happened to getting to know someone first before coming on so strongly? This isn’t AFF where sex is the bigger end-game target. Not one thing in my profile suggest that I’d respond favorably to such a blatantly sexual message.

My second, more thought-out reaction is leaning more towards tolerance. Ok so maybe that’s his kink. And if we’d already had a well-established rapport and chemistry with each other I wouldn’t be offended by that statement.

Would you?

I’m debating on replying to him, and if I do, how and what to say. Do I play the indignant, offended “you misogynistic jackass” card? Or do I attempt to tell him that I’m not interested, I’m looking for friends and that he was out of line with his comment since it was his first message to me. Do I show tolerance? Or is he just truly a douchenozzle in an asshat that I can go off on?

Update: I replied. He replied. Apparently I’m a frigid bitch, lol, and there’s a lot of other gals on OKC who are much easier than I. Here’s the convo:

ME: It doesn’t sit well. At least this early on, that is. Perhaps if you’d admitted that after a connection and chemistry was established I’d be more accepting. It’s a valid kink.

But since you do not know me at all and that is the only thing about me that you showed interest in it very much feels like objectification and is a huge turn off.

HIM: ah, alright then. i guess i go for the sexual connection first and see what develops especially when there’s no relationship in the mix.

ME: But you cannot just snap your fingers, lead with an overt hit like that and expect a favorable response. A sexual connection is not instant.

You’d do better trying this attempt on women who have checked off the “casual sex” box, or in response to nsa craigslist ads.

HIM: you’d be surprised how often this works on okcupid, actually. I’m really not looking for more than someone to chat with, lean on/support emotionally in a light, friendly way, and fuck regularly… the bar for this is often passed after a 5 minute meeting in public. The only problem is that i can’t tell who’s into it till i ask :) I got your “no”, and that’s fine. let me know if you change your mind.

*HEADDESK*

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Posted by Lilly | 11 Comments

Fishy For Men Presents: Eau de Desperation

Ok so I have a little bit of a confession to make: I have a secret Fetlife profile. Not “secret” as in I’m posing as someone else or whatnot, well, not exactly….it’s just a blank profile. Seriously. Blank:

Why do I have it? To see the profiles and photos that my friends want to show me. I had lost all interest in using Fetlife as another social network; I’d lost interest in anything BDSM related for a long time for reasons long-time readers will know about; and with Fetlife there is no location-discretion unless you outright lie. So, I deleted the Lilly profile ages ago. But in order to see other people’s profiles and photos, you must have a Fetlife account so I created a dummy version. It’s as empty as empty can be, almost. My profile tells people only three things:

• My age
• My city
• My sexual orientation and kink orientation

Pretty broad strokes, if you ask me. Anybody who would be idiotic, desperate, stupid enough to pursue someone with a blank profile is askin for it.

For what, you ask?

For a Dickhead Files rant.

To say that I didn’t even have to try for today’s content is an understatement. My profile was never, ever meant to speak to people or try to garner meetings/dates. Before I get to the Really Big Asshat of the Day, we’ll gloss over the Asshats that came before him.

A 40-something submissive man in my area (note that my profile lists me as Switch, and does not say that I’m “looking for” anything):

love to be your sub…..if you want to chat sometime let me know

This one, a nearly-60 “dominant” at least acknowledges that my profile is bare:

You do not have much to say on your profile but I am interested. I have switched in the past. Look forward to talking with you.

HOW can you be interested?!? WHAT, pray tell, is there to be interested IN? Does this mean he would be equally interested in a cardboard cut-out? Perhaps a nice rubber doll?

This next guy just text-vomits all over the place:

Hi I know I maybe older than you were looking for but don’t let that fool you I am shaved and very wild. I have been with younger women many times and understand their desires and needs. My turn on is the woman not me. I love being naked and playing with you for hours. I do not dream fantasies I live them and my greatest pleasure is helping you live yours without any limits what so ever as we share and learn from each other. I like oral, showers, anal, dominate & submissive, master / slave, bondage, role-play, Exhibitionism/Voyeurism, open cams, Lactation, play rape (no pain), foreplay, masturbation together, public places, 3somes, group, erotic chat, phone sex, sense of touch, massages, mirrors, food, intimacy, romance, Misc. fetishes, and so much more.

*blinks* Did I ASK for this shit, dude??

Anyways.

This guy, his first message was bland. Short. Nothing personal in it, really. I paid it no mind the first time he sent it.

Yes, the first time. I think that perhaps he sends out so many that he forgets? Or he’d already sent one message to every woman in the tri-state area and was now on round 2 of “try try again”.

I am John, 42, white male, {redacted} area. I am looking for a relationship or play partner. Message me back if you can and call me at {redacted, tho I’m tempted to list it}.

This occurred at the tail end of a shitastic week. I mean, seriously seriously shitty. A week of stress and turmoil and occasional loneliness. If it weren’t for his randomly bad timing I may never have replied but I did.

Oh, did I.

Ok, seriously? I have no photos, no information of any sort – basically a totally blank profile. Are you that desperate that you are just blindly sending the same message over and over again to everybody in the tristate area? I’m not active here and yet you’ve sent me the same msg more than once. And you’re giving your number to random profiles?!? Dude….not smart. Not at all.

Honey, you can’t call yourself “hot” without the attitude and/or the looks to back it up and I can see is desperation. Not pretty.

His profile name, which I won’t give out the exact name, starts with “hot”. I looked, for the hell of it, and found about 100 guys on FL whose profile name is some version of hotguy(something), hotmale(something), hotboy/man(something), etc. I’m all for confidence but….this is just too much.

Sorry I didn’t realize you had an attitude. I belong to GQ magazine also.

Horrible text-speaking voice. He attempted a joke and it fell as flat as his personality.

LOL ….. GQ….. oh that’s a good one. Thanks for the morning laugh, I needed it. Also, just an FYI but given your wording and tone in messages I couldn’t have been more shocked to find out you fancy yourself dominant. I really pegged you for submissive.

And it’s true. Not much of anything (not that he’s got much there) says to me: Dominant.

And here, PA “intelligence” shines through:

Your so full of yourself you sound more like a transvesite. Your real name is Bob right. You really know nothing about me. The GQ magazine thing was a joke. That is how dumb you are that you took it seriously.

I have no words. Just laughter.

When I decide to check out his profile better (that’s it in the pic above)  I see some interesting things, and some suspicious things. He says nothing in his profile really, just that he’s straight, yet his recent (and only) status message says “I like dicks yum in my tum”. *shrugs* whatever dude. At the bottom of the profile is the “wall”. It’s meant for OTHER people to leave you a public comment on your page. He commented on his own. It’s so hysterically funny I might pass out.

He also wrote a short blogpost, because the FL group he started (for single submissive females in his area that are bereft and alone and need a Dom) wasn’t advertisement enough, the he’s looking for a sub.

You have to see this.

Other women that he’s probably randomly messaged are saying these wonderful gems:

• “Uh yeah, you are gonna have to work a bit harder than that to attract the attention of a girl on this website, sub or not.”
• “Sub doesn’t equal indiscriminate. Work on your game.”
• “See, we like to at least read a bit about a guy, before we get interested. The question mark avatar is not original. You sent me a note, but maybe you failed to read my profile, which has a lot of information on it. Not sure that your being “into giving pubic hair” is sharing information, per se.”
• “Well, we can tell he failed English composition from his lack of words. Writer’s block or nothing of substance to say? More likely to BE nothing of substance.”

LOL

Readers, your thoughts?

My guess? Aside from the obvious, which is that this guy has absolutely no clue how the D/s world works….. Either he’s not had a date in like, ever, and just wants to “dominate” a girl into getting laid or he’s a psycho stalker who will kill you in a gruesome manner should you ever meet him.

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Posted by Lilly | 7 Comments

I haven’t done one of these in awhile…..

“Oh, he made my blood just burn
I flipped so far, I thought that I would not return”
~”Get him back”, Fiona Apple

 

I sat here yesterday typing out the beginning half to an erotica story but I just haven’t been able to finish it. I have a post about the TLC series “Strange Sex” nearly done, but haven’t finished it. This rant? Feels soooo good and is just flying off my fingertips. In fact the keyboard would yell “ow!” if it could. It might just have there a second or two ago. Sorry, keyboard.

 

In order to get back into the erotica groove, I joined Lushstories.com recently. I went back to some of my earlier work here on the blog to post over there. I chose the Taxi Cab Confessional posts, and at first tried to submit them in two parts. Part 1 was soundly Rejected with a litany of sins, mainly it lacked content and was “far too short”. Ok, fine. So I put the two parts together, separated the one occurrence of two words lacking a space between, corrected my lack of conversation “”" and re-submitted. A day later it was accepted. It garnered some pretty nice, high praise from the members/other writers there.

Now, before I go any further….I must say this about Lushstories. Not quite a year ago I’d seen the site because someone had tried to submit their story from there to e[lust] and I wouldn’t allow it. I glanced around the banner-ad-laden site and saw stories that made me long for Literotica. Bad, bad erotica. Trite plots, bad euphemisms and a metric fuckton of incest stories. Not my thing, sorry. Not only was a lot of the erotica not my taste but it was painfully long. Perhaps others enjoy painfully long erotica, I don’t have the attention span for it.

Today I tried to submit a piece that was always one of my favorites, “Fucking for Art“. If you’ve not read it, or are no longer familiar with that piece, I encourage you to give it a quick glance to further understand the moderator’s responses to me.

This personal note was sent to me with the standard “Your story has been rejected” email:

I am both a photographer and a model. This is impossible: “I made them hold poses for 5-10 minutes, sometimes difficult poses, until I got the angle of light and the angle of the shot “just so”. Try holding still for thirty seconds, never mind a minute, never mind up to ten, and especially for difficult poses. A real photographer does not demand that the models wait until she gets the framing and light right, at the cost of the models holding a pose. This is also rather short in length. In addition, use a comma before reported speech, not this – : Also use a comma before the final quotation marks, as in this: “Carrrrieeee” I taunted. Thank you.

Wow. Me:

Seriously, my story is being removed for plausibility?? I’ve had this posted in two sites and no one has ever cared about such a detail.

I’m sorry but given some other stories I’ve read on here that present situations both unlikely and impossible, I’m confused as to why mine got singled out. Also, with regards to length, there is no posted word minimum but yet I seem to keep submitting things that are too short?

I can appreciate the story moderation but it feels like the reasons for mine getting rejected do not apply to every story submitted, as I have most certainly seen stories short or with a misplaced comma or misspelled word.

My story was about 8000 characters, theirs doesn’t do word count. As Rayne pointed out to me: What about models who sit for painting and drawing classes? They hold poses for 5-10 minutes! And in fact that angle was my inspiration for the story. My inspiration story was similar, but the artist in question was photographing for his paintings he’d do later.

Her rude response made me fume:

You had the good luck or misfortune to come across a photographer. Go ahead and stay still for an entire minute, never mind five or ten, and get back to me on it. If you put the detail in and it isn’t believeable {Note: I’m copy/pasting, that misspelling there is hers, ironic no?}, then one day someone is going to get back to you on it. In this case, it was me. Good writing depends on the details holding together.

I also verified a story of yours the other day and extensively corrected it, which I do not have to do. You are welcome, by the way.

Yes, your stories are short and lack structure, but they have been verified anyway, with effort on your part and good will on ours.

I pointed out Rayne’s comment to her in a single-sentence reply of “what about models for painters/drawing classes?” but ironically she never responded.

What a self-righteous cuntwad. Fuck off, to the whole site. Seriously. I’ve pulled my profile and my stories. Crap like “love poems” of which I wrote better emo-crap in highschool than that; erotica that makes the Fabio-covered-burning-loins seem tolerable….and I get yanked because this cunt says my plot basis is unrealistic???? Geezus they even have a fuckin “Supernatural” category! I was reallllly tempted there to link to the drivel I was referring to but I just couldn’t do it to the authors. I’ll take out my anger against the Moderator-Bitch-From-Hell but not innocent writers, no matter how much I want to say “look at this crap!”

Anyways.

Moving on.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*deep breath*

Today on Twitter I ran across this tweet:

I (as Toyswap) replied:

@Epiphora and @FemeDeliciosa jumped in as well, and to us (the sex toy reviewers on TSN in general) the term sanitize/sterilize means the same thing. No, I do NOT mean that they’re 110% professional-grade germ-free but they ARE the very definition of sanitized. This derision and PR idiocy is coming from a company that makes such winning products (can you hear my sarcasm?) as Clone-A-Willy (ew, rubber); a “Tongue Vibe” which is basically a tiny cheap bullet you strap on to your tongue; Clone-A-Pussy (also, ew, rubber) and dodgy “libido stimulators and supplements” that you ingest. Go ahead and call me a sex toy snob right now if you want but if I ever owned my own sex toy store, products like these would never be sold.

Both Epiphora and I attempted to tell the person behind the account what ToySwap actually IS.

I said: “you do realize that TSN is a private network of educated sex toy review bloggers who trade safe items amongst ourselves?”

E said: “We all have a LOT of toys that we never use. It’s nice to be able to give them a good home. Plz quit the butthurt responses.”

Their responses:

No…come on. They’re playin with me. Surely they’re not THAT thick-headed????

Yes. they are.

I replied: “oh, really? You can provide a Lelo toy? A whipspider toy? A tantus silicone dildo? For free?”

SHOCKINGLY, I received no reply to that one.

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Posted by Lilly | 18 Comments

OKCupid: You fail. BIG time.

So not too long ago I got this email from OkCupid. I haven’t logged on there in a good long while, (read: months) and so I was confused to see an email from them. I’d turned off all other ones, so was curious why the fuck they were bugging me.

What did this email tell me?

Here, you can see for yourself:

*blinks*

They’re now segregating based on perceived attractiveness.

I’ll let that sink in a mo’.

No, I’ll just let it sit there on it’s own, because I’m just too damn flabbergasted about it to say much more right now.

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