(N)O-Wand Massager Review

I might be the most skeptical reviewer around so when I read claims about the O-Wand being the “most powerful” rechargeable wand vibrator on the market, or claims of rumble, I immediately distrusted the whole thing. Could the O-Wand match the rumbling growl of the Lelo Smart Wand Large¹? Would the O-Wand compete with other wand vibrators that talk about being the “most powerful”? I’ll be honest, the thing about the O-Wand that intrigued me at first glance is the handle – curved and ergonomic.  So what made my skepticism turn to distaste? 

Simply put, the O-Wand is trying too hard and not fulfilling its promises and unless you’re new here, you know how much I hate that.

Of all the Gin Joints in all the World

“You only hold me up like this ’cause you don’t know who I really am”. As with most reviews, I tend to do a lot of comparisons to other, similar products. Sometimes this need for comparisons can delay a review because it’s sooo much work. To review the O-Wand I had to drag out the giant box o’ wands; it’s the least-accessed box of sex toys; so ignored, in fact, that I found a dead bee in the box when I started pulling things out to work on this review. How utterly fucking appropriate, as I consider most wands to be irritating and buzzy. Why do I even continue to review wands, since I already know I need pinpoint stimulation and most wands just won’t work for me? The biggest reason is that I get asked for wand recommendations a LOT and folks are usually looking for something rechargeable, powerful, maybe even waterproof and sometimes rumbly. The wand I’ve liked the most over the past 9 years has been the Lelo Smart Wand Large because it is hella rumbly, but I am loathe to recommend any Lelo products for many reasons. I’m constantly on the lookout for a Smart Wand competitor. My definition of “rumbly” is also a bit more narrow/selective than some folks, especially when it comes to wands. When something is that high-powered even too strong of a hint of buzz renders the wand itchy and irritating to my vulva – it literally feels like my labia are being sanded off and oh, my god, the temporary numbess I get from these is overwhelming.

Itchy vulva aside I have other reasons for harping on the “ok but it’s really not truly rumbly” beyond just personal preference and the biggest reason is wand attachments. They simply work a fuck of a lot better on truly rumbly wands. And folks – I wouldn’t call the O-Wand “rumbly”. It’s not quite as buzzy as some wands but that’s about the best compliment I can give it.

There are some comparisons I can’t make. I don’t remember what the Sola Sync felt like, not well enough to make a definitive comparison but I remember feeling it at Woodhull this year (Sola was a Blogger Lounge sponsor one day) and being impressed. I don’t own a Le Wand, nor will I ever, but I got a chance to feel it up when Sarah and I visited a sex toy shop in Boston and the Magic Wand Rechargeable definitely felt a little more rumbly than the Le Wand.

The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes

“And when it all goes to hell, will you be able to tell me sorry with a straight face”. The marketing copy calls the O-Wand the “most powerful, safest and stylish wand available today”. In many places they call this the “most powerful wand in the world”, and the box further clarifies with “the world’s most powerful rechargeable wand massager”. If you’re going to proclaim “best”, “the most powerful” and other comparative statements in marketing, can you at least try to make it true in some way? The claims made by O-Wand just simply are not true. The motor is really similar to the Magic Wand Rechargeable, but the MWR is a little bit more powerful. Again, I wouldn’t call either wand “rumbly”.

I also wondered about “safest”. What could possibly be more safe than some of the existing wands on the market? There are certain electrical-type tests that all vibrators have to pass if they’re sold in the EU, and pretty much every vibrator out there passes those tests. I referred back to a marketing email from the O-Wand company to see why they make this claim: “Safe: Made from the highest-grade body safe silicone, the O–WAND is fully CE certified and boasts an automatic power-off to avoid overheating.” I don’t know of any that are NOT CE-certified, to be honest. And O-Wand is not the only wand to have automatic shut-off: Doxy has it, as does the Magic Wand Rechargeable. I’m pretty sure there are others.

There are also plenty of wand vibrators out there made from 100% body-safe materials. The “highest-grade” crap is just marketing weasel words. It’s silicone – it’s body-safe. You know who else uses silicone? The MWR, the Doxy Die Cast, the Smart Wand, Sola Sync – I could go on and on.

I know what you’re thinking: Who would buy anything if the marketing told the truth about sex toys? There’s making subjective claims and then there’s false advertisement and in my opinion we have the latter. Am I being picky with words? Perhaps.

Don’t You Know Who I Think I Am

“A penny for your thoughts but a dollar for your insights”. The first thing people usually ask about any wand that isn’t the Magic Wand is “will Magic Wand-compatible attachments fit the head?”. People really like attachments because it’s great to be able to turn a single sex toy into a full-on toolbox. The problem with the O-Wand is that the head is kinda egg-shaped. While it’s roughly the same size as the Magic Wand, the shape is different. The shape difference leads to a gap on the sides which causes Magic-Wand compatible caps to move a little AND not be touching all of the head so there’s vibration loss in transference. Not that it matters all that much, though…

When a vibrator is buzzy the buzzy vibrations just don’t travel through any protrusions on the head cap very well – case in point: the Tantus Rumble (which is too mild and buzzy) or the PalmPower (which has multiple issues). The same applies to the O-Wand attachments. The ridiculously-named O-La-La clitoral stimulation cap attempts to give you choices of broad or pinpoint stimulation but so much of the vibrations are lost in translation. Very little activity is felt in the protruding nub inside the cup, and the cup edge’s vibrations are moderate, buzzy, and easily killed with just a little pressure. The O-Spot, their insertable, transfers very little vibration. When I put the same cap on the Smart Wand Large the difference is staggering. The O-Gasm cap, for penises, transfers the most vibrations out of the three caps but again, it’s kinda buzzy. When you put that same cap on the Lelo Smart Wand Large it becomes a powerhouse, penetrating penis vibrator to rival the Hot Octopus Pulse but with vibrating wings.

So Magic Wand compatible attachments will sort of fit the O-Wand and vice versa. There is about a half-inch gap on the very top of O-Wand attachments when I put them on the Smart Wand Large but the protrusions are on the sides so it doesn’t matter. If you do decide to brave it and get the Lelo Smart Wand Large know that there are a few attachments from O-Wand that will work pretty well!

I’m Like A Lawyer With The Way I’m Always Trying To Get You Off

“Last year’s wishes are this year’s apologies”. Let’s get back to the original thing about the O-Wand that intrigued me: the handle. I loved the curved handle of the Lelo Smart Wand but the vibrations travel too well – what’s good for the head isn’t good for the hand and vibrations transfer up the handle fairly intensely. Not so with the Magic Wands or Doxy Wands but their bodies are all straight – great for use in a wand-compatible Liberator mount but not good for me to hold during lay-on-my-back positions. The only good aspect about the O-Wand is the handle and the button placement. The curve of the handle fits my body and the opening in the handle means I don’t need any real grip – I just need to slide my hand in. The buttons are within easy reach for my thumb – of course, that can bite you in the ass if they’re accidentally hit but I find that because I don’t need my thumb to grip, it happens less often. What if these features of the handle don’t matter to you? What’s it got goin for it, then, over the competition? Not much.

The handle is simply not “enough”for me to recommend this over other wands. Yes, it’s waterproof but so is the Smart Wand, the Sola Sync, the Dorr Avond, the Jimmyjane Iconic Wand, and more. Until a recent price drop the O-Wand was the most expensive wand vibrator on the US market – it used to retail at Shevibe for a whopping $249, a full $50 more than even the overpriced Smart Wand. It’s now on par with the Smart Wand, price wise, at $199. At $249 I would never have recommended it. The Magic Wand Rechargeable, which is slightly more powerful and rechargeable, is only $124; if you really want the broad AND the waterproof, you’ll have to pick the Smart Wand. If you want the power and the waterproof you can try the Sola Sync priced at $149.

I don’t hate the O-Wand. But what if I had never been poisoned by the need to prove/disprove their sensationalistic claims, would I be griping so much? I would definitely be bitching about the useless caps, yeah, but overall I would still be bored with the O-Wand. Meh. Salty about the price. I would still say “buy the Magic Wand Wand rechargeable”. A really great, versatile wand is somewhere out there on the sex toy horizon. The O-Wand isn’t it.

My thanks to SheVibe for sending me the O-Wand to check out, in exchange for my honest review. Thanks also to Bex, fellow FOB fanboy, for input on the section titles because I needed something to motivate me to write this.

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