Oct 192015
 

BugUterusThe Eva by Dame Products was a crowd-funded vibrator – the Indiegogo campaign raised 1000% more money than they asked for. So while I remained skeptical, I thought “With all that extra money there’s no excuse now for not doing a ton of beta testing and employing a really awesome motor, and basically getting it really right, right out of the gate”. I had hopes, despite the fact that I really don’t like “couples vibes”1 that this here might actually be something that would work *with* my fat outer labia. I had hopes despite the really bizarre design of it. A lot of us dubbed it “The Bug”, but when I visited Bex and saw their stuffed uterus it hit me….IT’S A UTERUS.

My Eva was unveiled at a mini #blogsquad sleepover at Bex’s house the weekend of SHE NYC. I hadn’t even opened the box, since it arrived a few hours before I headed out to NY. I unpacked Eva and held it aloft and reactions were mixed. But then I turned Eva on…and my face fell like a bad souffle. I looked more dramatically sad and pathetic than Grumpy Cat. After 7 years in this business I know that companies are like real estate agents when it comes to describing their wares but the video for Eva tells you “We selected a small motor with a powerful kick” and this couldn’t honestly be further from the truth. The video contains nothing but glowing testimonies (naturally) from happy, hetero couples. Early online reviews made it sound awesome and super-powered. Literally, they talk about intense vibrations. I’m left wondering if they received the same vag bug that I did twice over, because it’s like I’m reading about another vibrator entirely. I appreciate the massive attention that the Eva by Dame Products received during crowdfunding simply because of the conversations it started on many corners of the internet. But in person, in actual use? I feel hoodwinked.

The Vibrations

Before we even delve into talking about the biggest factor of fit, we need to talk about the motor that Dame Products chose for the Eva. I have a lot of vibrators that are more powerful. On my personal scale, I’d probably rank Eva at a 2. The vibrations are shallow, surface-buzzy and extremely mild. I tried to go all Tantric with it and just relax, let go and watch some porn but….it wasn’t happening. It was never going to happen. It didn’t feel nice, it didn’t even feel soothing. I thought that perhaps the vibrations could add in to the amazing, almost-overwhelming, g-spot sensations I feel during sex but they made the vibrations of the Eva feel non-existent. These are some of the most sad vibrations I’ve felt in a long while. I realize I require more vibrations than a good portion of the population but I am able to be objective here. These vibrations are mild. I’ve had mild salsa that has more of a kick. Suffice to say, no one in the House of Bex that night was impressed with the vibrations2. I almost feel like the noise is making you think the vibrations are stronger than they are. It is noisier than I expected, that’s for sure. But if I turned up music so that I couldn’t hear the buzzing and tried to just relax and focus on nothing….nothing is what I felt. I felt barely a buzz. I really want to go to the houses of those early reviewers and demand to see their Bug because Houston, we have a fucking problem.

The Fit – Eva Takes the Vulva Tour

DameEvaComparisonBefore I tried it, Bex and Girly Juice tried it for fit. Both have a different vulva than I3, and I wanted to get a few opinions to be sure it’s not just my vulva that hates it. Neither used it during penetrative sex but were trying it out to see if it would even stay put under the best of circumstances (and test the vibrations). Due to a shipping snafu that Dame Products was kind enough to compensate for early on4, I received two Evas and so I sent one off to Sarah to try during penetrative sex.

The verdicts all around agreed that it’s frustrating to get it situated, and you generally feel like it’s falling out. At one point while Bex was doing a little dance they *thought* the Eva was staying put but instead we noticed one buggy leg poking out. That visual might honestly be the most hilarious sex toy blooper I’ve encountered yet. General accounts from GJ and Bex were that it took foreverrrr to wrangle it into place where it was staying put; more time than one would want to spend when in the midst of sex. It kept slipping, despite the fact that no sex was involved. The lack of decent vibrations wasn’t getting anyone anywhere, either.

I sent Sarah the bug to try out with her husband, and that resulted in something I didn’t expect – chafing. For Sarah, it sounds like her vulva is small5 (like she is!) and there was less space for Eva to hang out so during PIV it kept chafing his penis. They never could get to the point of deciding on whether or not it would have stayed put or helped her with orgasm. Again, it took a long time to get it properly in place for her – 10 minutes of fiddling around. Would this get better with multiple uses? Who knows. She felt that the third level of vibration was a little more powerful than she expected from my moaning about it, but it was very numbing.

My vulva is a bit like Bex’s, but my outer labia and mons is chubbier. I had no problems getting the Eva to stay put at first simply because my outer labia cover it up. When I wear the We-Vibe, my outer labia completely covers the We-Vibe. I don’t need to turn the We-Vibe Dusk into a Tango holder for my clit; my labia does that just fine (so long as I’m doing my usual of sitting in a chair). So yeah, the initial situating didn’t need much. But it kept popping up on one side, and subtly moved around a bit. With fairly average penetration it didn’t feel comfortable, I constantly worried about it and it simply was not worth the hassle for such piddly vibrations. This is one of those times where not only do I not need to test something a handful of times to be sure of my assessment, I don’t want to. Please, don’t make me use it again.

Why I just don’t like the Eva by Dame Products

If you like/need/prefer:

  • Pressure on your clitoris
  • Some degree of rumbling vibrations on your clitoris
  • The ability to rub your clitoris with the sex toy
  • Lube, and lots of it during sex (your own or from a bottle)
  • Moderately powerful vibrations, or more

Then the Eva by Dame Products is not for you. If there isn’t more than 1.75″ from your clitoris to your vaginal opening, the Eva isn’t for you. If you have minimal outer labia but long inner labia, the Eva may not be for you6 because the inner labia might get in the way. If you don’t like worrying about whether a hands-free vibrator is going to be truly hands-free and stay in place during sex, the Eva isn’t for you. If mild, buzzy vibrations piss you off and make you want to stomp bunnies, the Eva isn’t for you. Dame Products fully admits that the Eva will not work for every body; they do suggest that if it doesn’t stay in place for you on its own, then just apply a finger! Wait, that’s defeating their entire point. But here’s a tip: a vibrator that you are meant to hold in place *will* work with every vulva.

Frankly, I don’t think it’s worth the retail cost of $105. When I informed #SHEsquad of the price there were dropped jaws all around and “no fucking WAY” muttered a lot. Again – I’m happy that a sex toy did so well in a crowd-funding campaign if for the sheer reason that it got people talking. But I really feel that it made claims that the retail version of the Bug didn’t live up to. I’m let down that the end result is like a deflated balloon for me. If this is a powerful motor then I’m a monkey’s uncle.

Look I could talk more here about the design, how it’s meant to work, show you the cute drawings that Dame Products did to demonstrate, etc. I could talk about charging time or use time. I could have taken nice photos like Heather did. I could, but I’m not going to. Why? It’s irrelevant here; I’m not recommending this. I don’t see a point in getting that far into the conversation when I hate the product. You may wonder why I was skeptical about the product; am I just jaded? Too picky? Nay nay it goes beyond just that – first time products from baby companies coming from crowd-funded platforms rarely turn out well.

But hey, I can’t recommend the We-vibe, either, really. I’m on the fence about the Lelo Tiani 3. I think the Fixsation is more dumb than the Eva by Dame Products. I feel like they’re trying to work around fragile masculinity by having a vibrator that tries so hard to be unobtrusive7. Sex toys are tools, and they are fun and varied and they can make your sex (solo, coupled, thrupled, grouped) fun and varied. If what you’re doing is not working, then re-work it. So many people with clits need a vibrator for orgasm; and the overwhelming majority of those people just simply need clitoral stimulation period to orgasm – penetrative sex alone won’t cut it. And that’s fine! We have options for you! Find new positions that work with vibrators you hold in place. Maybe let go of that fairy-tale “let’s come at the same time or at least while my cock is still inside of you”. Consider how powerful it would be to have them come while your fingers are inside of them and you have the best view in the house. Consider how much more sensitive your g-spot will be to the rubbing of a dildo or penis after you’ve had a clitoral orgasm *first*. Genitals are different in looks, sensitivity, how they respond best to touch, if they even like vibrations. Sex is messy and fun and like a Rubik’s cube – there’s more than one way to solve the puzzle and sometimes when the colors are a jumbled rainbow it’s just as pretty as when they all line up. And there are hundreds of regular vibrators out there and you can find a way to incorporate them into a re-worked vision of the sex you want to have – way better odds than the half-dozen half-assed “couples vibrators”.  /rant

This will only be relevant for a short time but if you want to support an Indiegogo campaign for a vibrator that actually DOES have a lot of power and comes from a veteran sex toy company proven to use many real live beta testers, then support the Tantus Rumble campaign.

My thanks to Shevibe for sending over the Eva by Dame Products in exchange for my (brutally honest) review.

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  1. because they often just don’t work as promised, have lackluster vibrations and seem overpriced to play on the sex toy anxiety that people have over bringing a proper sex toy to bed – but, more on this later in the review
  2. I took an informal poll to get the idea of what we all like and need. Bex’s faves are Mona 2, Siri 2 and We-Vibe Touch; the least powerful they’ve been able to get off with is the Bswish Bcurious. For GJ: Preferred vibes: Eroscillator (settings 2-3), Tango (usually settings 2-3 also), Siri 2 (middle-to-high settings). Weakest vibe that’s gotten them off: probably the original Lelo Gigi. For Sarah: favorite vibes for clitoral stimulation are Lelo Mona 2, Siri 2, We-Vibe Touch (either). The weakest toy that gets her off is the Tenga Iroha Mini. So you can see that these people don’t REQUIRE a powerhouse vibe. I would say that the weakest vibes able to get me off is either Lelo Mia 2 or the Crave Vesper, but the We-Vibe Tango is my go-to, and I can come on level 1 and the L’amourose Rosa Rouge is a big hit
  3. You can see GJ’s vulva because she had a RING made! And Bex is a lot like me, just their outer labia aren’t as fat as mine. Their labia didn’t really cover up the bug much but my labia completely covers the bug
  4. The tracking for the first Bug stalled out for way longer than it should have, leading us to believe it was lost in the mail. My review product was sent to me by Dame Products but should you purchase from Shevibe, it will come directly from them. We also had a shipping snafu that was NOT good, wherein they put my blogging name on the package and then they briefly tweeted the tracking link to my second package, so I’m very very happy to report that shipping is handled by Shevibe. Your discretion will be assured
  5. In her words:  “I have “porn star” (there has to be a better way to say that) outer labia with inner labia that flay out a little bit if my outer labia are apart, but they don’t hang. My inner labia got in the way of the Eva, and it chafed at my partner’s penis because of how close my clit is to my vaginal canal.”
  6. This is starting to sound like a sex toy version of Jeff Foxworthy’s “Here’s Your Sign” monologue. Feel free to go read that in his voice. You’re welcome
  7. I understand that there are going to be plenty of other clitoris-owners who disagree heavily with me, they have bought into and want the fairytale of the perfectly unobtrusive, hands-free, dream vibrator and maybe they even have one of the couples vibes and it works really well for them. Great! If you use one and like it, more power to you. I just can’t help but feel that it is also working on that “porno sex” ideal that many of us have felt the need to live up to – where they always come together and she is always highly orgasmic just from penetrative sex while he ignores her clitoris
 Posted by at 10:27 am
  • Mary Q. Contrary

    “Sex is messy and fun and like a Rubik’s cube – there’s more than one way to solve the puzzle and sometimes when the colors are a jumbled rainbow it’s just as pretty as when they all line up.”

    THIS! OMG! This sentence here – that whole paragraph – made the extra word count worth it. And I love that this was a group review that took others’ experiences into consideration to make sure your dislike was well-founded. Seriously, this is one of your best.

  • I was expecting fit problems – when I saw the campaign I couldn’t imagine how it would fit because I tried to mentally put it on me or my gf. She has minimal labia, I have small outer, lush inner with a rather prominent hood. I totally forgot about those peach-like vulvas.

    I wasn’t expecting, and I’m quite sad about it, the quality of the vibrations. I thought that with women-owned, super-ultra feminist etc. creators we’d get something closer to Standard Innovations. Eh.

    You are totally right about the marketing. It is designed to cash in on those women who send in 100000 th question about how they “can’t come during sex” to advice columnists.

  • Come Heather

    It totally does look like a uterus!

    “Dame Products fully admits that the Eva will not work for every body; they do suggest that if it doesn’t stay in place for you on its own, then just apply a finger! Wait, that’s defeating their entire point.”

    They actually said that? Hahaha. That makes it essentially like any other small vibrator, right? Just…hold it there with your hand.

  • FieryRed

    To me, this thing looks like it would be painful to wear. I have fuller outer labia, but am very sensitive and don’t like having them stretched at the point where they meet the mons. But I LOVE your comments on the mentality behind many “couple’s vibrators,” and how unlikely it is that any two people can match up their sexual responses so perfectly as to have simultaneous orgasms, and how there is no one right way to have the perfect sex. :) Rock on!

  • I can’t really say I felt anything like a stretch, honestly. The silicone arms are really pliable. I think you’d be more irritated by the fact that the arms vibrate/buzz.

  • FieryRed

    Ehhh, but isn’t the bug itself rather large? I’m sure the very buzzy vibrations directly on my clit (and in the arms) would be irritating too, though.

  • I guess it depends on your definition of rather large, though. Would it help if I included photos of the Bug next to other popular clitoral toys?

  • FieryRed

    Oooh, yes, good idea. :) Although the pic of it in your hand is also pretty good for scale reference. The fact that it’s wider than your thumb — looks more than twice as wide — means it sounds like it’d be “large” to sit between my labia majora on my clit.

  • frankly

    lilly, you are a real mensh. i remember reading about the indegogo campaign and wondering if you were going to review it. i love how you contextualize sex and sex toys within the frame of….um queer sexuality? nu, that human sexuality is a lot more complicated than the hetero-normative script of slot x and tab y

  • Thank you? I don’t know that word, is that a compliment?

  • Tzipora

    It’s Yiddish. A mensch is a real standup kind of person. Definitely a compliment.

  • Tzipora

    Popped down to the comments to rave about how utterly amazing that sentence was too. Watch, the sex is like a Rubik’s cube metaphor is so going to catch on everywhere. At least, it should.

  • that beaver IS adorable!!