Jan 082016
 

The Womanizer Review

I’ve used The Womanizer more, and in various ways, since I first spoke about it; I haven’t learned much, honestly. Yet I still named it one of the Best Sex Toys of 2015 because I like it that damn much. I’m gonna just write about it and apologize. I feel like I’ve failed you, readers. I still haven’t figured out what makes me like the Womanizer so much. I still haven’t figured out who will love it and who will hate it. I have discovered what happens when you (as I warned against) use it during your period. I’ve resisted the temptation to crack the fucker open like a lobster1. So hey, let’s just get on with The Most Useless Review I’ve Ever Written.

Update: Useless no more! I’ve now tried out three Womanizer models and 2 Satisfyer models. Comparisons for all models can be found here:

Womanizer vs Satisfyer - a line up of the 3 Womanizer models and the Satisfyer Pro 2

Some Strong Opinions and Theories

There’s really only one question I think I can answer. Someone asked me a few weeks ago if I thought that the Womanizer could be shared/swapped/regifted/whatever to a friend with whom you’re not fluid-bonded. At first I said no. But after using it accidentally while I was spotting (I didn’t realize I was bleeding, or I wouldn’t have used it) I understand where the fluid goes and where it doesn’t. The silicone nozzle head extends fully inside the suction cavity and I think I feel pretty safe in saying if you clean the outside of it well, it’s safe to share. They do give you two silicone nozzles. Maybe they understand that you’d want to share with your bestie?

I was also right about telling you not to use this when you’re bleeding. I was only mildly spotting and it showed me where fluid gets trapped. Right in those goddamn seams I bitched about. I’m going to have to repurpose a toothbrush just for Womanizer cleaning. Until they revamp this design they should include a little crevice cleaning tool.

Womanizer Seams

Some have said that this technology seems to be too similar to those blackhead suckers, that it must be one of those (modified). I’ve never owned one of those but I feel pretty damn confident that they’d have to have a fuck ton more suction than the Womanizer does. In fact….I’m actually not sure there’s ANY suction.  I put this up against my lower lip where I could be certain it has a seal and concentrated on the sensations. It’s like a teeny tiny finger is lightly, quickly tapping on me. When I increase it, the tapping is more intense and faster still. A seal needs to happen to get this action going but I’m not sure it’s actually suction. In fact when I have it on “high” and have it up to my mouth I can feel air coming *out* of it, not being sucked in. The only thing on the Womanizer site2 that makes me think “suction” is the little illustration in their video. But they don’t say “suction” on the website, they say “pleasure air technology”.  Let’s imagine we’re in the bathtub. We have the tiniest itsiest weeniest little Barbie-dream-house-sized shower head. Yes, shower head. On jet pulse mode. Tiny, concentrated, under-the-water sensations. Near your clitoris, not directly on. That’s the Womanizer. That, folks, is the best damn comparison I can come up with for you.

And I’m not really sure there’s any true vibration, either, because I feel nothing on any part of the toy. I can hold my fingers against the silicone nozzle and feel nothing like vibrations. Whatever this little machine is doing it is unlike anything on the market, and I feel like that’s the first time I can really say that and think it’s a good thing.  Given what I’m feeling I’m even more shocked that this thing works for me, and works so well. It truly must be made of magic. Also? I’ve never had to fucking analyze a sex toy like this. Usually I pull out 4-7 others, turn em on, shove them against various parts of my body, compare intensity and buzz vs. rumble and bing bang boom there ya have it. Hell with most vibrators I can tell you within 1 minute of turning it on and holding it in my hand if it’s going to work for me or not.

Orgasm Machine

I still hear a lot of people talking about how it “induces” orgasm for them; how it skips build-up and just wants to go straight for the goodies3. This hasn’t happened for me, perhaps because I am less sensitive than them. It takes me longer, about 10 minutes with porn, cold start. Using the Pure Wand with it is even more intense and shaves off a good few minutes. Sometimes it’s quicker still but I don’t mind that it’s not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am because, like the Skittle, I genuinely enjoy the build-up and the ride to the top. My most recent use was me sitting up in my desk chair (how I normally am) which did two things: Allowed me to use the Pure Wand more easily and meant that it took longer. Either I had it pressed very tightly against me and it was too intense, or it wasn’t intense enough at first. I usually use it laying down, and it really seems to build my arousal much more so than vibrators do. But yes, when I do orgasm finally it’s seriously intense. Like….more intense and longer-lasting than an orgasm with the Tango or the Denia.

Things I Hate

The Barbie-pink color of the case which says Womanizer right on it. It’s a nice case, though. So I can’t hate it too much.

The designs. The colors. The faux-crystal button. It’s so very early-80’s-Madonna, Cyndi Lauper; the excess of accessories, when garish and “too much” was just perfect.

The fact that it’s so easy to turn on (a simple press of the small button) but harder to turn off (you must press and hold the tiny button). The fact that you can only increase, you can’t decrease, unless you want to start all over again at the first “level”.

The overall cheap pieced-together aesthetic. The seams.

THE NAME. I REALLY REALLY HATE THE NAME. I call mine Blanche but I couldn’t very well go through this whole review referring to Blanche. Wouldn’t parse well in the SEO shit, ya follow?

Noises? What Noises?

I seem to remember reading snippets in reviews and write-ups past (and even in the copy on the SheVibe page) about how weird/loud/disconcerting the noise of it is when it’s not in prime position. I literally do not understand. I hear no weird suction-y/schlurp-y noises. I have plenty of vibrators that are much more noisy. It doesn’t sound like a vibrator so on the slight chance someone else would hear it, they wouldn’t understand what it is. At least I don’t think so. I also wouldn’t be alarmed by the noise of it not “in place” during sex.

Womanizer, Woman-Womanizer You’re a Womanizer

This fucker just doesn’t quit. But hey unlike usually, it’s a good thing.

So I’m literally at this very point in writing my review when I muse outloud to someone else “Shit. I don’t think I’ve ever charged it. I’ve been running on the charge it came with this whole time. What if I’ve been using it at half-mast?? What if it’s MORE “intense” than this??” CALAMITY. Also: I’m impressed. I’ve used this 12 times so far, and have had it since the middle of November. I’ve turned it on (often) to ponder about it and shove it against my lower lip and my fingers. And The Womanizer is still not dead.  No worries. I’ve charged it up and it’s no more intense than before. Whew. I actually don’t think I’d want it more intense but hopefully when SheVibe gets the W500 model in January, I’ll get it to compare.

I’m gonna address this one part real quick: The head of it glows red and I have no damn idea why. Red, to me, says “heat!” but nay nay, it doesn’t heat up. That would be fucking awesome if it gently warmed your clitoris, though.

$159 Fucking Dollars?

Alright, the price. I have to address it, again. It’s $189 (Nope, now it’s $159, while the Womanizer W500 is $219). In the video I mentioned $169 but the price since the video has risen and dropped.  For $159 I feel like I should be able to tell you it’s definitely gonna work for you. Or not. And I can’t. I can tell you that I love it; that I’m more shocked that it made me orgasm than I was with the Crave Vesper; that there’s honestly nothing like it on the market. But I can’t say that if your clitoris is sensitive, you’ll hate it. I can maybe say that if you know you need the broad stimulation of large wand vibrations, this won’t do it for you but I’m gonna wait for JoEllen, Queen of the Wands, to chime in on that. I think that if you really like oral sex, this is a fuck ton more likely to replicate it than a goddamn wheel of slapping silicone tongues.

 

My eternal love to SheVibe for sending me this ugly, awesome sex toy with the horrible name, The Womanizer. I kinda think you should buy it.

  1. Really it’s only because if I crack it open I won’t ever be able to use it again and I like it too much to kill it
  2. Don’t go there. Don’t look at the picture collages they make to represent who each color is “for”. It’s bad
  3. which would explain the name
 Posted by at 12:57 pm
  • I wish we were in the same place so we could sit down with some (gluten free) snacks and talk about this thing. It’s just baffling me and making me feel broken. Your review has made me feel so much better because seriously, my experience has either been “ouch!” or “is this thing on?!”.

    Also, I think I’ve told you it makes me think of when my grandma would bring us toys from the dollar store that would be not quite right versions of popular stuff: “Spader Man” “Super Guy” “Barby” etc. That’s the Womanizer for me.

  • See now, if it doesn’t work for you then that kinds answers at least a litlte something….and that if you are someone who just does NOT like pinpoint stimulation, who only likes broad stimulation, then Womanizer isn’t for you.

    I feel like the design started off as a troll joke on the industry and then they had to stick with it? I don’t know.

  • Polly Vincere

    Well this isn’t the “most useless review” by far! This is the first one I’ve read on the W (because I can’t stand to say that word), where by the end I get it. I loved that you really tested the “suction” claim. I’ve been wondering how this is different than pumps if it’s just suction. It sounds like it’s more that it pushes air out and then pulls out back in…?
    You nailed it on the price. I’m not sure I’d want to spend that much on something that does one thing to one body part. (I’ve yet to read a review where it’s been tried on nipples, etc.) Of course, the Pure Wand is “only” insertable, but I don’t fault it for it’s lack of versatility because of its two sizes and ability to be used on any body. Hmmm.

  • I feel “useless” because I can’t definitively say “if you like X you will like/not like this”, etc. Like I usually can. I can’t compare it to anything else because well….ya can’t.

    Although I do feel pretty good about that 30-day money-back thing, especially since SheVibe is running it for those in the US (I think if you’re outside the US, might wanna pony up the extra bit and go Lovehoney). But I know SheVibe and I have a feeling they’ll find ways to sweeten the pot a little now and then with this thing.

    I think that because of the air pulsing and the fact that you can get a “seal”, it seems like suction? But after a good 60 minutes on body parts like my full lower lip where I’d KNOW if there’s any suction going on, I just am not convinced.

    But see? I can’t even say FOR SURE!

  • Yeah, I kind of suspected from the first time I saw it that this toy wouldn’t work for me but had a back-of-my-mind hope that it would be the thing that was different enough to unlock the kinds of clitoral orgasms I hear other people describe but have never had myself.

    Remembering that comparison can be the thief of joy.

  • Kissmet Designs

    NOT a useless review! I agree with the other post. I’m so glad I “get it” now how this thing works. Based on your description I would bet money I know how this works. There it’s probably a rotating or reciprocating “hammer” that pounds on the end of the silicone cup. So yeah, a tiny bit of air goes out and in for each hammer blow.

    That also helps with the mystery of its power. It has struck that magic balance of enough simulation to satisfy but not enough to over-power. So, you naturally reach for climax which makes it that much better. Right?

  • Lunabelle

    A couple of thoughts about the 500 vs. the original. First, there are both up and down adjustments for power level (yay). Also, there is definitely suction on that one, though not super strong by any means. The story that drove the point home for me is going to be an important part of my review. The crevice gunk factor is greatly reduced. No case (boo) just a black satin pouch.

  • Mizz Thai

    mizz@thai

  • Pesmena Drakous

    I can tell you what the glow light is for.
    I bought one for my wife, actually the newer “Pro” rechargeable version.

    While I bought it for my wife, more often than not I am the on using it on her. Those times my tongue simply can’t go the distance, for zero to soaked in a minute (her words), and and and… it is simply amazing.

    When using any vibrator on a woman getting it into a good position, modifying the position slightly here and there mid-play, trying to keep it on target (what a word) while she’s climbing the walls or bucking like mad can be quite challenging, to me anyways. AND those moments when it’s the most challenging are the moments one wants most to keep the vibrator “just right there.” For me, keeping it where it best should be is a blend of knowing how she moves, how she’s built, how she’s responding, and being able to see position and angle of the toy while she’s constantly writhing -and more-; all in an often dim setting. Add to this, with a traditional vibrator the fine sense of touch in my fingers has been numbed by the vibrations -much less of an issue with the Womanizer. The glow of the Womanizer’s tip is colored well and just bright enough (the entire circumference of the tip glows) to allow a quick glance to determine its position within her folds and I can spend more of me following her reactions and lovely face.