Feb 052010
 

You know how sometimes you don’t realize something as being true until it comes falling out of your mouth with no premeditated thought? Writing is like that, for me. It can be how I work shit out. So I handed in a few posts to Edencafe recently and they decided to run with my little theme and post them all on the same day. It’s Dangerous Lilly Day!

Baby steps this week, one day for lunch I chose a green salad with a half cup of tuna salad on top, and a cup of light yogurt. Two months ago would have found me having the reuben. Was the tunasalad the best choice, when you consider the mayo? Probably not but I didn’t use dressing, and I just can’t eat naked greens. I’m sorry, I can’t make drastic changes and expect it to stick. I bought myself another gelato pint last night at the store. Combine a somewhat-humorous threat by my hub and my own attempt at convictions and I ate only 1/4 of the container.

Then this morning in my email I see a pingback hit on an old post that was basically food porn, where I waxed romantic about Fettucine Alfredo and perhaps grilled cream cheese sandwiches, featuring photos of gorgeous decadent food that I love. Food that I don’t eat every day or even every week. But oh horrors of horrors it’s a FATTY talking about her love of good food. I can’t do that, it’s “disgusting” or so this man claim. I will not link to his post here, I did on Twitter but I won’t give him traffic from this site. He linked to that post and he (without asking of course) re-posted yesterday’s HNT photo.

“She is a blogger who talks about her sex life and how she loves being a fat ass. I will admit that some of her stuff is pretty sexy…until you see her”.  He goes on to show that photo and says how the rest of me “must be a mess” and invited his readers to try and find a photo of my ass as proof, he claims to have spent 5 minutes searching but apparently couldn’t stomach any more. Funny, isn’t it, that my statcounter shows he spent a lot more than 5 minutes saw a lot of photos. He didn’t *read* anything recent though because he says that “Being fat isn’t healthy. It isn’t a lifestyle choice. It is just laziness.” I’m listed as his Freak of the Day because I  both aroused him and disgusted him. I feel bad for him, kinda. I bet he feels guilty when he jerks off 3 times a day, too, and isn’t dating. Most of his site is based on making himself feel better by finding other people to rip apart.

Anyways.

These posts at Edencafe? I’m kinda proud of these but oh be ready for a little conflict in inner voices ;) I’d appreciate hearing your thoughts on these, either here or there.

From the post “Caring about Myself“:

I’m saying I care. About me. About not scaring those who love me and worry about my health. About not wanting to be in such pain and if taking better care of myself health-wise might have an affect on the pain, then it’s damn well time to step up and do it. I have to.

From the post “Pleasure in Food: Finding a balance between yum and healthy“:

Fat, glorious fat. It gives flavor, it gives divine texture. Food that you enjoy with every fiber of your being, food that makes you involuntarily say “Yummmmm” as you eat. Food being referred to as “better than sex”. Foodgasm, my favorite word. Food, glorious food. It makes mouths happy, it makes *brains* happy because of the endorphin rush or whatever. At least to me and those I call favorite people!

And then I got really angry when I started thinking about diet foods. From the post “Foods, Force feminized!”:

Put on your thinking caps here, close your eyes and imagine all the yogurt commercials you’ve seen recently.
Got it?
Now then – where are the men?
Oh look, there’s a man – wait, no, not really. He’s eavesdropping on his wife’s ambiguous phone conversation about yogurt-porn and all these gorgoeous flavors she’s eaten lately. Key Lime Pie! Apple Turnovers! And, I’m losing weight! Where’s hubby? Like the dipshit that media plays him up to be, he’s digging through the fridge looking for these yummy desserts and oh teehee he’s like totally not getting it that it’s really the yogurt right in front of him that she’s talking about! Oh, the hilarity. Silly man. Yogurt is for girls!


Edit: You can’t change mean people, you can’t make them see the light.

  • http://www.scarlets-letter.net amber

    What’s hilarious is that I know some very very heavy people who have seriously perfect health, and I know people with perfect body mass index who have so many medical issues. Society is so afraid of fat, that they’re trying to scare everyone and even calling it a pandemic. It’s very scary that as a society we are taught not to judge others skin color, but body types and weight are free to be beaten down and made fun of. This is bigotry at its core. I agree with what you said about him tearing others down, it’s easy to do behind a anonymous blog. We’ll always come across small minds, even more so on the net, where there is the air of anonymity. Either way, his post was hypocritical and foolish. I actually am embarrassed FOR him. In a world where women are nearly killing themselves with plastic surgery and eating disorders, the last thing someone should be doing is cutting someone down based on their body weight. It makes me sick. He obviously has some issues with women and needs to lash out to make his manhood feel less insignificant.

    You are beautiful Lilly. You DO have awesome boobs(the only smart thing that “blogger” said), and so many people really do care about you. You’re so much richer than he, because you’re fulfilled with love, and you didn’t have to hurt or target anyone’s sense of self to do it. You’re a beauty! Oh, and to the asshole who wrote the post: Lilly is my freak of the day too…cause she makes me wanna get freaky!! :P

    XOXOXOXOXO

    ~ You’re right, and thank you. I am richer. Society is afraid of fat because we are trained by an ever-growing group of people to fear it. Yes I will freely admit that fat CAN be unhealthy. But not always.

  • mrs. m

    i am in the midst of what i like to call a “lifestyle change”. i’m tired of feeling unhealthy and so i am now in the gym 5-6 days per week for an hour or more. i’ve already lost a little bit, but i still have over 100 pounds to go before i reach my own personal goal weight. at my gym i often feel like people are staring (even though they probably could care less that i’m around since i’m definitely not the biggest person there by far) and that all the “hotties” are wondering why i’m there. that’s how far my self-confidence has gone down compared to a year ago. for me, personally, it’s people like him that make this journey the hardest. i like me okay, my body doesn’t totally repulse me, and i’ve slowly started understanding that men love curves, and being healthy is a priority over being thin.

    are women supposed to be like the Giuliana Rancic’s of the world?

    i, for one, have no interest in that shit.

    and, for the record, your stuff got even hotter AFTER i saw you.

    ~ Thank you. And holy shit, 5-6 times a week????? Honey that is so fabulous and man I envy your dedication! I wish you lived nearby to drag me along with :) Giuliana can suck my big toe after it’s been sweating in my leather shoes all day. She’s a fuckin hypocritical twat who thinks someone granted her the crown enough to declare who in Hollywood is “pass” and who is “fail”.

  • Steve

    Some people are just ass hats. Seems like you ran into one of the better (worse?) examples of one. Don’t sweat him.

  • JAM

    what a small minded person to call you freak of the day. i thought you look good. i’ve got big boobs and a big ass. could i stand to lose some pounds. sure will it happen. who knows. i have no major health issues. i can dance around the young and thin ones. i’m okay with my body.

  • http://hubmanshangout.wordpress.com hubman

    Congrats to you for the feature on Eden Cafe, that’s great!

  • nancy

    I’ve always thought you were absolutely beautiful.

    I love your long curly hair and fabulous breasts. I’ve never seen an HNT post that wasn’t hot and sexy.

    I’ve been reading your blog for .. over a year? (who’s counting)

    I’d never have imagined you had body issues..if you hadn’t brought it up.

    Just saying..
    I agree about the media .. full of it aren’t they? Do we buy into it? I guess someone must since it keeps getting shoved at us.

    I have a huge tummy, smallish boobs and no ass at all.. flat as a pancake. is there a perfect body amongst us?

    ~ No, I don’t think there *is* a perfect body, because with every body someone will find a fault. I’m not sure who decided there is such a thing as perfection and that it should be strived for, like some version of an Aryan Nation.

  • BobF

    Sorry to read of the drama with another blogger. I suppose that happens, but it sucks when it does.

    Anyway, Lilly, I liked your yogurt example. We are all surrounded by images of how we are supposed to be. Makes you wonder who it is that really controls those messages? I mean, some of us would look to it being explained by some evil characteristic of Capitalism. And others may say it is an expression of how we feel, translated through our purchasing to define such archetypes.

    Sorry, that may have been unnecessary but I too find writing a way to work through things.

  • Sarahbear

    Are those not pictures of you all over your header? Isn’t one of them of your ass?

    All of them are absolutely beautiful. There’s not anything disgusting about them.

    Don’t let that shit get to you. Take your time and make slow, gradual changes. I’ve noticed that since I changed my own eating habits and would get a craving for something, when I finally did eat it, it didn’t taste as good as I expected. Your tastes will change too, over time.

    ~ Yes! Yes my ass IS up on that header! AND right there in the “About” section! Wasn’t very hard to find, but I guess he couldn’t do much proper surfing one-handed ;) I’m going to try for Weight Watchers because if I have a craving, I can work it into my day and be ok.

  • Bad Bad Girl

    It sucks when the idiots start talking. As someone who knows you via your blog and in very real life, I know how wonderful you are, inside and out. It pains me that you would fall victim to the hateful people who happen to also have a blog. Nobody deserves that.

    love you!

    -bbg

  • http://www.betweenmysheets.com Rori

    We all have faults. You might not be at your target weight yet, but at least you’re taking steps to make positive changes in your life. Maybe this guy should look in the mirror. He doesn’t have to like you or agree with the choices you’ve made in life, but before calling you a freak, maybe he should try to see his own faults and improve upon them.

  • http://andeatingit2.com Joanna Cake

    Just as in the real world, there are some bloggers who seem to take great delight in mocking and just being unpleasant generally to other bloggers. Some may call it satire, others ‘in the interests of the public’s good health’.

    However they try to dress it up, it’s just being nasty to someone else. You have to wonder at what frustrated insecurity engulfs them so completely that they feel the need to vent that vitriol onto someone else.

    Sadly, life is full of these unfortunates and you just have to smile and rise above it.

    As Thumper’s Mother said in Bambi, ‘If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all’.

    Take no notice. You are a beautiful, honest person and a brilliant writer.

  • http://www.insatiabledesire.com/ Rayne

    Eh screw them. You’re gorgeous.

    And congratulations on the feature!

  • Nell Gwynne

    Do what makes you feel good and feel happy.

    Ignore the haters.

    And those trolls remind me a lot of some of the characters in Neil Labute’s play “Fat Pig”.

    ~ You’re right…..we’re chastized for being racist, we have to be so politically correct on so many fronts, but we’re allowed to belittle people because of their size. Skinny, fat, anything in between. Nothing except for “model perfect” is safe. And sometimes not even the models are safe!!

  • http://barbedwireboudoir.blogspot.com/ Luka

    I shouldn’t worry too much about the fat-bashing, fist-fucking “we’re so mean…but only in a gang…anonymously…on the net, safe at home with the door locked” brigade. It’s not like it’s a proper blog. You may as well just go read the graffiti in the nearest public lav. You have to feel sorry for them. With all the might of their members combined intellect the best they can come up with is “urk urk urk -fat!” Which is just as well because they can’t spell Rubenesque.

    Listen, speaking as one who has upset her fair share of bloggers in her time the best approach is to ignore them entirely. They are simple organisms and just won’t have the attention span to continue to bother you.

    You are gorgeous, they are not.

    ~ Well put, and thank you. The ignoring started first thing this morning and shall continue!

  • Tracer Bullet

    I like yogurt, but if I see another commercial featuring middle-aged white women waxing rhapsodic about how they can shit properly thanks to Activia, I’m going to cut somebody.

    ~ This made me spit out my coffee and glee and laughter. You rock.

  • DJ aka TheTravelerD

    Hi Luka!

    How are you?

    I’m one of those “we’re so mean…but only in a gang…anonymously…on the net, safe at home with the door locked” people you talk about.

    This post in question is nothing like you described. It doesn’t attack her for “being fat” at all. I’m fat. The writer of said article is fat. It’s not the fat we care about. In fact the writer even calls her sexy and says she turns him on. The only problem he has is those sexy fat women who think they are sexy fat women (which she has posted she is “fat”) but who claim its healthy. I’ll admit she doesn’t claim that but the writer of said blog didn’t do a lot of research. He’s not big into research when it comes to short posts on a group blog.

    And he does say he is disgusted but why is that an insult? Just because ONE person doesn’t find your particular self attractive? We ALL have been guilty of being disgusted by someone based simply on appearance. Anyone who claims different is lying.

    You all make us out to be fat hating people. We aren’t. I love myself and I’m fat.

    And to all the other posters who devolve into calling us names and labeling us trolls, you think you’re any better than us? You are just quick to whip out insults without even knowing us.

    ~ DJ, you can see my reply below, it was so long I decided to make it it’s own comment.

  • http://msscarlettletter.blogspot.com Ms Scarlett

    Lilly, my love… screw these assholes. I have long envied your lovely and perfect lips, and I think you’re gorgeous as you are.

    The most important opinion on your body and health is yours. Simple as that.

    XO ~ Scarlett

    ~ Thank you. But….I need *feel* gorgeous more of the time, so that requires a little change. Change is good, so they say!

  • http://britisstillshameless.blogspot.com Britni TheVadgeWig

    The sad, pathetic freak is HIM. What is so scary about being aroused by someone who is *gasp* fat? Oh, the horror! That man has some serious issues if it bothered him so much to find you attractive that he had to write an entire blog post about it.

    I love where you’re going with this blog lately, and I’ve been loving your pieces on EC. Not because you want to lose weight, but becuase you want to take care of yourself and your health. You want to feel good. You’re realizing that you *deserve* to feel good. That you deserve to look good (which means taking care of yourself, “regaining your femme” because you want to, not losing weight).

    You’re amazing, and I’m glad you’re starting to realize it. I’m also really proud of you for this post, because you were able to take a step back and realize that the problem lies with him and not with you, instead of letting it get you too far down.

    <3

    ~Thank you dear. I admit that I had my weak moments of tears and feeling like the little girl on the playground surrounded by dirt-kicking peers, but I’m over it. It’s a long, long slow road for me, one with many forks and temptations and forkfuls of cheesecake but I’ll get there eventually.

  • Paul

    It confuses me as to why some people feel that they should share their unpleasant and stupid opinions with the world, however obviously this guy thinks he should. Is it wrong of me to suggest you post his email address on your blog and let your many fans feed some unplesantness back at him? ;-) Maybe that’s a little petty… Just a thought ;-)

    ~ Well technically if you go to the forum/site, the site owner’s address IS there……..but yes it would be petty. People think that ripping others to shreds is funny. *shrugs* sometimes it is.

  • http://iveylane@blogspot.com Ivey Lane

    Two words, dear: Fuck. Him. (Sorry for the profanity in your comments line but the mean-spiritedness of this ass-hat provoked me.)

    Short story — a little over two years ago I hit 200 pounds and was dreadfully out of shape. I started riding my bike and at first would have to rest every mile or so. I can now bike 30 – 50 mile easy. I signed up for a karate class and the first day, couldn’t do a single push up nor run a single lap around the mat. I can now do over 40 push-ups (on knees but full body to the ground) and can run one mile, and have advanced to a green belt and knock grown men on their assess when I spar. A little later I started working with a weight trainer. I can now press out 2 sets of 20 reps of over 300 pounds with my legs. Surprisingly, I didn’t lose a lot of weight (maybe 5 pounds total over the first 18 months or so) but the shape of my body changed somewhat and I felt GREAT! Last summer, I cut my caloric intake to an average of 1200 per day and have lost another 10 – 15 pounds. I’ve stalled again at around 175 but so what? My goal was to feel better and “become an athlete.” Success!

    When I found your blog a few months ago, you became one of my inspirations. In fact, your beautiful photos helped me more than any other when I decided to start participating in HNT. Your beautiful influence, intelligent, grace, humor, and delicious pride is a gift. I’m sure I speak for many others when I say your blog has literally improved my (and my husband’s!) life and helped me learn to enjoy my body a little more.

    Thank you Lily. Keep up the great work!

    ~ Yay for you hon! I’m flattered to have been an inspiration. But can you be my long-distance drill sergent?? haha, you rock!

  • http://dangerouslilly.com Lilly

    DJ – I specifically hereby call you exempt from the bad words being spoken. Partially because you’re 18 and not old enough to know better yet and partially because you’re not being cruel. There is a world of difference in me calling myself “fat” and the author of the post hurling it as an insult, for he did so mean it as an insult. His title “Ever Fuck a Fatty”? Yeah, nice. Him insisting that even though my tits are great, the rest of me must be a mess? Noooo thats not insulting *at all*. I’m supposed to be flattered and overlook the insults just because he said I’m sexy….until you see me? That he’s not sure whether to be turned on or disgusted?

    Many of my friends commenting here have seen the whole thread, starting with the first reply as “blog war is go”. Nice. They also read the emails between Rob and I that he so kindly posted for you all to read and laugh over. But it’s these that really hurt me, these that brought on the “troll” term because he was trying to upset me and trying to get more responses for which he could entertain the troops.

    I wrote: “No, actually, I’m NOT ok with you and your members publicly ridiculing me. You know what? It’s not nice. It’s hurtful, and it’s mean. When you go and do your Freak of the Day against a celebrity or a nobody that you read an article about once online, that’s a bit damn different from doing this to someone’s face. Which, since you decided to link to my post and the site pinged it so that I know about it….it IS to my face, at least in my opinion.

    Does it make you guys feel good to do that? No, really, I’d like to know.
    Do you get enjoyment out of hurting people? Does it make you giggle to know that the nasty words made me cry for a minute?”

    And then Rob (and the collective? the board members?) wrote: “I’m sorry you’re upset, but on a website where you openly call yourself fat, post pictures of food, and your boobs, what would you expect the outcome to be? I didn’t write that article; I just read it today because of your email, but now that I’m involved…I have many questions:

    Why would you care what we write? Did you think the author of that post was THAT hard on you? It seemed kind of complimentary.

    My board members want to know:

    My board members want to know if your tears smell like gravy. Do they? And if so, what kind: Fresh or canned?

    Are you fat because you were pregnant and never lost the weight? Still pregnant? Glandular? Laziness?

    Do you have a rascal? How do you feel about them as a mode of transportation?

    Are you allowed to go on amusement park rides or Segways? Are you excluded from them.

    What’s your favorite food? And don’t say everything.

    Have you ever put chapstick on your lips, liked the smell of it and ate your chapstick?

    Was the Haiti quake caused by you falling out of bed looking for a gummy bear that unstuck out of your knee fat?”

    Prior to this I was NOT attacking Rob, I simply emailed him because he is the site owner.

    Then you guys actually took the time to hunt down my damn Twitter account and start posting my tweets when I said I was upset, more fodder for them to laugh about. It’s this that I find appalling. That the more hurt I am, the more the members of that board seem to enjoy it.

    I was upset as well because, as you pointed out, the writer of the post is telling everyone how I claim I’m healthy and that all fat people are healthy. Nope, never once said that and in fact I’ve said the opposite quite a few times.

    It doesn’t matter now. I’m not going back to read any more of what is said there, and I’m done feeling hurt. I know what I am, I know I’m more than my numbers on a scale, and I know what I’m doing to better myself.

  • http://www.insatiabledesire.com/ Rayne

    DJ – I don’t exempt you from the harsh words for being 18. 18 is plenty old enough to have developed decent reading comprehension skills. You know you and your lot are a bunch of dicks. Stand up for what’s right or crawl back under the dick rock.

    18’s such young age to be labeled “that guy who can’t tell the difference between his ass and a hole in the ground” for the rest of your life. For the love of Pete, pull your head out of the sand.

  • http://www.kinkylibrarian.net Nadia West

    It astounds me that they think the original post was somehow “complimentary.” WTF? That’s about on par with people who think being raped is complimentary.

    I think they feel okay with belittling you not just because you’re fat, but also because you’re a woman. There’s more than a whiff of misogyny here.

    As I said to you in an IM, the smart, kind, sexy, intelligent sex blogger community thinks you’re fabulous. And that’s what counts.

  • http://theunfaithfulsoccermom.blogspot.com CW

    I think you are beautiful, friend of mine or not.

    Fuck the idiots who live to put down others. Really. Between your talent for writing, compassion for others, and natural beauty, I think whomever said that is a shallow, hollow person. You are a beautiful person, Doll. Inside AND out.

    XO

  • http://vanillaimpaired.com vanimp

    Oh dear the dude is a troll. Trolls are the interwebz version of ‘pondscum’. I prefer the term assclown. Head up the ass is a common denominator.

    When an assclown is afflicted with this terrible disease commonly known as Internet Troll Personality Disorder or ITPD is characterized by rather sad attention-seeking behaviour. Chronic Troll Syndrome (CTS) is an interwebz disease that is generally present in assclowns. It causes the given assclown to be unable to tell the difference between the interwebz and IRL limits.

    They have not mastered the art of wanking well enough that they instead, spend hours trolling the interwebs boosting their pathetic ego’s by insulting people thus making them feel slightly powerful for a nano second when they recieve an angry reply.

    Most assclowns believe that they are, in fact, funny. Anyone who does not agree with them is obviously either generically of course: overly sensitive, power mad, angry, has no life, no sense of humor, or is a combination of two or all of these. In many instances, one can see where the assclown has in fact fucked up but is too wrapped in their own little laugh to notice how much of a dork they have really been.

    That’s when you get to laugh.

    These assclowns are the most easy to identify, as they often stop leaving comments when it is obvious even to a monkey with a brain tumor that they have fucked it up, or when you see a comment that begins with telling the owner of the site/picture/story/etc that they suck for no good reason or the spamming generates towards incoherent one sentence insults or general basic kindergarten insults that anyone could come up with. A functional brain and creativity are not an assclown’s strong points.

    Approach with extreme caution. Being pondscum assclowns normally bring with them a very strong odour of stupidity.

    ‘beams’

    Lilly you are beautiful, intelligent and damn sexy. Fuck them xxx

  • http://fairnine.blogspot.com Elise

    I am so damned tired of skinny being the only acceptable way to be sexy. Screw that. Lilly, you are amazing. The sexiest people I know are just people who own their sexuality. You have a quality that makes you shine Lilly, and you would shine whether you weighed 90 lbs. or 600.

  • thepinkpoppet

    Don’t let the assholes get to you. You are a beautiful human begin, a beautiful woman and a BEAUTIFUL sexy-hot woman at that!