That’s Me Trying

One day before the start of my sophomore year of high school I went horseback riding with two friends. With an experienced guide, you and a small group would ride through their many acres on a tiny trail through fields, through wooded areas, over creeks. It wasn’t my first time on a horse but it was my next-to-last. At some point during the ride, a bunch of things happened at once: The leader’s horse started a good trot down a bit of a hill. The trail had a lot of gravel there. The bouncing and the speed caused my feet to lose purchase in the stirrups. I was detaching. I don’t know what happened next but I didn’t just slide off the horse; I found myself maybe 10 feet from the horse in a rocky field.

We were in the middle of our hour-long ride. My choices were to either get back on and not disrupt the excursion or throw a wrench in everything by having someone go back to the stables, get a vehicle, come to me, etc. A whole production. I was mortified so I chose the option that embarrassed me less. I was absolutely terrified but I got back on. The ride wasn’t fun; I was in pain and scared any time the horse went faster than a stroll.

I ended up missing the first day of school to recover from the concussion and back pain. A few weeks later one of the friends and I went back to the stables. I did my best but I was still too terrified. I think I lasted 10 minutes and called it quits. I haven’t gotten back on since.

So what the actual fuck does that story have to do with my sex blog?

I’m trying to get back on the horse. Everything I write feels so forced and shitty. I worked on 4 other drafts before giving in to this bullshit navel-gazing worthless post. I think I have to publish this if I have any hope of getting over the fear of publishing anything important.

I’m worried because only about 5% of me wants to keep blogging. That’s where I am right now. 5% of the motivation for this post is because I actually want to be here. The rest is a jumble of obligation, guilt and boredom. I know people have been concerned about me and the fate of this site.

I’ve been trying to work on my physical and mental health. It’s been a lot more difficult and frustrating than I anticipated and believe me I expected the worst. I’m really not ready to share any more than I’ve already shared on social media as it was happening; writing about that feels too damn scary and worthless. I’m realizing that if I keep coming here to write for other people – and f I worry too much about my peers’ reactions – I won’t keep it up.

I have to stop comparing myself with others. Everybody does this in a different way and though a number of my blogging friends are business-savvy word machines with checklists and brand images and curated social media and endless ideas, that’s not me. I’ve done something right because I’ve still had plenty of site traffic despite zero social media promotions and zero writing. I have to accept that that is great, full stop, no comparisons. And, if not great, then good enough for me.

This is roughly 500 words of not-a-promise but a toe-in-the-water. I’ll be making changes; I probably won’t be hyping my shit on social media much. Really, in our industry, it doesn’t get me very far. As of this week I’m on extreme hiatus from a few social media platforms that are less healthy for me. I’m going to start selectively turning off commenting, beginning with this post.

To be honest, I don’t feel good about this post but I feel much worse about the 4 other drafts I tried to work on. Baby steps?