Sep 302011

I’ll keep you my dirty little secret,
Don’t tell anyone or you’ll be just another regret.
~All American Rejects “Dirty Little Secret”

For some people, being or having a “dirty little secret” is erotic in and of itself. I might have considered myself one of those people in the past, but no longer. It’s taken being someone else’s secret for a few years to make me realize that it’s a sucky place to be. When the irony adds to injury, that there’s no reason for me to be a secret anymore because we’re now just friends, it stings a little more. And so, in my search on OkCupid for local friends, I’ve discounted married men who are not in an open/poly marriage. I specifically state that in my profile, yet of course they’re the type who won’t read a profile in full. Or worse, they’re the type who see that I don’t want what they’re offering and their ego says “Yeah but I’m different” and they contact me anyways.

I had one such debate recently with someone. Typical married-man profile: Not much information, no photo and in an introductory email he says he lives in city A when he listed city B on his profile. Usually I just tell these men to go to Ashley Madison instead, they’ll have better luck finding a mistress. The most recent guy insisted he just wanted a good friend. Nothing more. Except….I would still be a secret. It’s really hard to have a friend and be a friend when there’s secrets like that involved. For a number of years I knew that if my close friend should fall ill or worse, I wouldn’t know about it. No one in his life knew about me. I couldn’t text or call him whenever I wanted, no matter what. There were rules and restrictions. There still are. I explained this briefly to OKC guy and it was after the 3rd exchange that it sunk in my head that he wasn’t listening; was he even reading what I wrote? Or had he become such a master at evasion and redirection that he could be mistaken for a politician or lawyer?

“Sometimes it’s easier/better to keep things under a cover” In response to me saying I was not interested in being anyone’s secret, and I would only date/friend married men in open & honest relationships.

“I am sincerely lacking one aspect of a relationship, and you will get in return a Safe, Sane and smart companion. I don’t have anything else going, and no plans either, just one open and understanding friend.” Just one friend?

Again I reiterated that I’ve already been down this road and it doesn’t lead to a very fair or equal friendship and I wasn’t interested in doing it again. “I completely understand your stand, and there’s no force on my part. All I can do is try to tell you how “I” am. If nothing else worked out, I “was” pretty sure you’d be VERY much fun to plainly hang out with as a person. If you think this is about fairness, may be I was wrong.”

I know, you can’t fix stupid, but wow. So I’m no longer fun because I don’t want a secretive friendship? Nice.  I’m now ignoring all his messages because he can’t seem to get the hint. Something else he’s said three times in only 6 messages is that he won’t “force” himself on me/anyone, yet he keeps messaging me. The language he uses, the deflection and weasel words, all spell trouble. At least I’m smarter now.

 Posted by at 2:17 pm
Sep 282011

There’s a couple of Stand-to-Pee devices out there for vulva-bodied people.  The most visible ones are those being sold by sex toy retailers who recognize that it’s not just something to help you take a pee in the woods without ruining your shoes. The ones that most will know the names of are the P Style, and GoGirl. I’ve read reviews on them but words only go so far, really.

It’s kinda something you need to see (or just buy it and try it yourself, in the bathtub). Maggie Mayhem is a blogger, does porn, is a feminist, an activist, kinky, and wonderfully nerdy. She’s been in my periphery radar for quite a while but her recent post on reducing rape culture in the BDSM community and all the posts it spawned brought her into focus more. And I quickly found her porn site that she does with her partner, Ned, called MeetTheMayhems. Something that was on the front page, and happened to be a free clip (their porn isn’t free) was an explicit how-to video of Maggie showing how to use the P Style. AWESOME. Maggie’s so friggin cute n saucy that it takes it from instruction video to fun video. There’s a few other toy review videos that are free to the general public; so far it’s just Ned, but I’m not complaining!

To view it, and you really should if you’ve never tried a STP device and are curious, first visit their site through the front door and proclaim your age. Then click my link here that goes directly to the P Style video. If you just click to the video first, the site kicks you back to the age verification and then to the homepage, instead of where you originally wanted to go.

As “pay sites” go, this one is unique. Maggie and Ned aren’t just posting porn, they’re sharing explicit video reviews, posts on various topics both sexy and sexy-nerdy, and the only part you pay for is the actual porn – and it’s really reasonable. They’re a unique couple with a unique site and I quite like them both.


 Posted by at 10:12 pm

Pleasurists 149

 Pleasurists  Comments Off on Pleasurists 149
Sep 282011

Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. If you like what you see and want more of it be sure to follow our RSS Feed and Twitter.

Did you miss Pleasurists 148? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists 150? Be sure to read the submission guidelines and then use the submission form to submit before Sunday September 18th @ 11:59pm Pacific.

Want a shiny new toy? All you’ve got to do is enter.

Editor’s Pick

  • Tenga Egg by Kate

    So you can pop a tenga egg over the head of a hitachi! It’s kind of awesome. I did mine inside out, so the texture was on the outside. It’s kind of like being fucked by a marshmallow.

    In a good way.

Scarlet Lotus

The reviews:

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Continue reading »

 Posted by at 10:04 pm

What Makes Me Happy: Sharing Sex Ed Info

 Blogging, Navel-Gazing  Comments Off on What Makes Me Happy: Sharing Sex Ed Info
Sep 252011

Long ago and far away when I actually did HNT and then WW on a regular basis AND tried hard to get nice photos, it was quite a compliment when the occasional pic would get reblogged via someone’s Tumblr1.

But this is better. WAY BETTER.

I was getting hits from Tumblr again and so I clicked through to find out what had been reblogged and was DELIGHTED to find out that someone was sharing my Sex Toy Care and Cleaning Guide page. (Which now makes me want to go update it and see if I can make it even better) Considering how passionate I am about people learning about the safe materials and the bad things to stay away from, this makes me hugely happy. I think it was this chick who originally posted about it, adding in this:

I guess the reason why I’m posting there seems to be little info on this kinda stuff despite the fact that plenty of folks who follow me and who I follow use sex toys. It’s worth while sharing info and most of all it’s important to be safe when doing what ever gets you to reach the big O

Another gal reblogged and this which I thought was cute:

Important info, but I can’t help but giggle at this line — Turn it on and make sure the batteries are strong or the charge is recent – there’s nothing worse than getting halfway through a jerk-off session to have your favorite vibrator die out.

Hey, it’s true!! I’m not sure what’s worse, finding out before you even start that your toys are dead or having them die halfway through. Either way ends with no orgasm for me.

Someone else who reblogged also added in a note saying that the post on how Jelly Sex Toys are Dangerous is almost more important to read also made me happy. Have thousands of people reblogged these? No. But if 65 reblogged, and even just 10 people on each of those Tumblrs read this info and learn something new…..I’m happy.

I still don’t quite know how I’m going to do it, but I will somehow teach workshops about sex  toy education to prevent others from buying jelly or CalExotics crap.

  1. Ok well then it got a little bit annoying because I’d have people come to me and say “hey isn’t that your photo on that Tumblr, uncredited?”. Yeah. Flattering but I’m not fond of people taking my work and using it as their own (which I’ve seen done, they pull it from a Tumblr that didn’t bother to keep in the linkback)

Review: “Divine Diva” Plus Size Strap-on Harness by Sportsheets

 Adult Products, Sex Toys  Comments Off on Review: “Divine Diva” Plus Size Strap-on Harness by Sportsheets
Sep 232011

When it comes to choosing a strap-on harness for yourself, especially when purchasing adult toys online where you can’t feel the material, “confusing” doesn’t even begin to cover it. Confusion is compounded if you’re larger than a size 16/18 (US sizing there). Many harnesses give a waist measurement and a leg opening measurement but they forget one crucial thing about women of all sizes: we don’t all have flat stomachs. Your body shape and where you carry your weight factors heavily into choosing a harness AND how it will fit on your1 body2

My very first experience with a strap-on harness also coincided with my first pegging experience and my first real BDSM experience as being the top. Let’s just say that there was much failure in all aspects – the least of which was that I did not fit into the harness and I was too embarrassed to tell the (thankfully blindfolded) guy this. Not to mention that it was difficult to get the thing on.

There are two main styles for strap-on harnesses: G-string and Jock. Both have waist straps; g-string covers you much like a pair of panties and goes up the crack of your ass. Jock style has leg straps that connect from the bottom of the dildo base section and run up to the waist strap in the back, and those straps hug your thigh crease. Jock style allows for complete access to the wearer’s genitals but for some it can be a little bit more confusing to get into at first. The Diva Harness by Sportsheets is supposedly made with larger women in mind – not just that it expands to a very big size (up to 84″ waist) but they claim that the wider waist straps are plus-size friendly, and the fact that the waist strap adjustment “ladder locks” (think backpack strap adjustors) are at the back and protected with a layer of padding in between them and your skin means more comfort as well. The thinner leg straps also are meant to well….sink into your curves better and not chafe/gouge as opposed to thicker straps(? I don’t know how wide vs thin straps fare, never tried anything else). The front pad is completely soft and plush and so it bends with you (unlike “latigo leather” harnesses which are generally stiff).

At first when I tried it on, the padded section sat more on my stomach than where I’d want it to sit – which would be right over my pubic mound. The second time I tried it on I was able to adjust it and put that padded section underneath my belly so that the base of the dildo would mostly be pressing against the top of my vulva and my clitoris might receive some pressure (for those women with less prominent outer labia and more prominent clits, you’ll receive even more stimulation from a harness if the dildo base hits you there).

There is a downside to this harness being able to fit such a wide range of women – it could be made to fit smaller women, as well – and that is the excess straps. Ideally when you have a harness it is yours and yours alone – so trimming the nylon webbing straps so that you don’t have 2 feet of them dangling down is an option. Except that if you trim them too much the webbing might very well come out of the plastic ladder locks when you loosen everything when it’s time for the harness to be removed. You could somehow tuck the excess webbing strap back into the leg and waist bands of the harness but that cuts down on comfort a lot. Dangling straps get in the way and do not look sexy; you will not at all look like the model on the box if you leave the excess straps dangling, lol. Then again, the model on the box isn’t what I’d ever call “plus-size”; it’s like looking at buying a size 20 dress when it’s modeled by a size 4.

While this harness does come with 3 various-sized rubber o-rings to fit many dildo sizes, the straps that hold the o-ring in place have one issue: there’s only three of them. Ideally there would be four points – 10 and 2 and 8 and 4 if we’re looking at a clock. With this one the third strap goes straight down to 6 o’clock. Why does this matter? Well, four straps are always going to be more sturdy than three if you are using a larger/heavier dildo. And if you happen to use dildos that are more “realistic” and have balls, you won’t be able to use those with a 3-strap o-ring base. This Beginner Harness has the 4 straps, the ability for the padded section to be removed (for use with a Feeldoe or more skin contact, etc but is only moderately plus-sized, fitting “up to 60″  which means it may or may not work for you if you’re right at that 60” line or a few inches below, depending on how you wear it)

This isn’t the prettiest harness out there. It’s not bad-ass masculine leather with shiny studs, it’s not pretty leather with laces, there is no femme-y corset style adjustment in the back – It’s plain, it’s androgynous and it’s styled for moderate comfort.

Enough about the specs and looks: How does it perform?

I will admit that I wasn’t able to use this on a willing warm body. Instead I employed my husband’s now-neglected Fleshlight. I don’t actually own many silicone dildos with bases that are harness-compatible so I first used the Tantus Silk Medium (with the Fleshlight) and then out of curiosity I tried out the Greta that I reviewed long ago. With a 1″ diameter, the Silk Medium had some wiggle room left in the smallest rubber o-ring. It seemed to fare alright, though. At the same time I used one of my trusty corded bullet vibes – if I were the wearer I’d want something buzzing on my clit, personally – just to see what would happen with thrusting and base contact. Even with my very full outer labia to help keep it in place, the fact that the base of the dildo still hit just above my clit meant that the bullet was pushed down from the top and kept sliding out of perfect position. The solution in my eyes would be to cut a slit in the outer fabric of the plush base, the side that rests against you, and fashion a snug pocket for your bullet to sit in. Hem/stitch the cut edges I guess so that the fabric doesn’t tear or degrade when you wash the harness (yes, it can be washed). Now mind you, I didn’t try this out yet but I think I will. Please think hard before altering a $50 harness of your own :)

So what about the nylon webbing, did it cut into me? Yeah, most notably the leg straps. Did I have them too tight? Maybe. Since they attach to the front piece at the very bottom pulling the leg straps pulls the front piece down more. I thought I needed more stability, but the straps were then so low (or far back depending on how you look at it) that it would have been a little bit cumbersome for someone else to use a toy inside me. Also, because the leg straps were snug in the standing position it meant that in a wide-spread fucking stance the straps dug in something fierce. I still had red marks an hour afterwards. 

When I tried the harness with the Greta I’d wanted to see how it would hold up to a large, heavy dildo. That one is 2″ (2.25″ at the head) and the rubber o-rings do have some stretch so I was able to get the o-ring on but it wasn’t easy. Keep in mind then you also have to get the straps for the o-ring in between the ring and the dildo. Again, not easy. The weight of Greta pulled down on the soft front piece, especially at the very top. It probably wouldn’t work very well in use but I can’t say that for certain. 

The o-ring snaps can be cumbersome, so it’s best to switch the dildos when you’re not wearing the harness (or have your partner attempt to do it for you). If you have anything other than a flat belly it’s probably just too frustrating to do while wearing it yourself. As you can see below, the snap is underneath, not on top. The bit of nylon webbing that you can grab to pull the snap is very small – slippery fingers or a difficult snap will make things frustrating. The bottom snap on mine was very hard to open up for some reason.

The harness might look confusing at first when it’s laid out but it’s simpler than it looks. Your legs go in between the front pad and the thin leg straps. Pull on the straps (don’t angle the strap out, pull straight from the ladder lock) to snug it up a bit. Then position the leg straps so that they rest in the crease where thigh meets hips and ass. You might want to alternately snug up the waist straps and the leg straps to gradually get it into position. Grab the waist straps and pull them from your hip line straight out in front of you. To release the straps for taking it off or readjusting, take the outer “lip” of the plastic ladder lock and pull it away from your body. That allows the strapping’s tension to ease up so it can be pulled through the ladder locks, which is quite quick and easy actually.

It’s not a bad harness – it’s great for plus-size beginners who don’t have access to real stores where they can feel and maybe even try on over clothing. It’s affordable without being cheaply made or horribly uncomfortable. If you are in the market for a harness and would like to know anything else about this one, feel free to email me with questions. I know how difficult it is to read a review and have any idea if it’s going to work with your size or body shape.




Update: 2013: I’d still agree that for plus-size women, this is a decent, affordable harness. However, if you’ve purchased this and are now sure that you’d like to continue down the harness path but want something more comfortable I would suggest that you upgrade to Aslan Leather harnesses. Every single discomfort aspect that I experienced with this Divine Diva disappeared with the Aslan harness. I own the Cherry Minx; Minx styling has a corseted backpad to allow it to expand even further. I actually didn’t need that aspect if I was positioning the base to be resting on my pubic mound. I would have if I wanted the straps to be around my actual waist (meaning base would be on my tummy). But the leather that Aslan uses is “garment leather” and it’s the softest leather around. The harness is just so damn comfortable.  I realize that the price difference between Aslan and Sportsheets is huge, but if it’s something you plan to use (with one partner, not shared between multiples) on a very regular basis then I would highly recommend that you invest in it.

  1. Are you heavy but without tummy rolls like this woman? You might still appreciate the plushness of the front piece but you could also possibly tolerate a harness with a more firm leather portion which adds stability overall
  2. Do you carry a lot of weight in your middle, with tummy rolls like this woman or this woman? (NSFW links) Then you’ll want a harness with a plushy padded front like the Diva Harness so that it doesn’t irritate the tummy fat the might hang over the edge.
Sep 202011

Showing the "I" and "M" JimmyJane Contour Massage Stones  Showing the JimmyJane Contour Massage Stone "Q" with the "M"
Images courtesy of, the M & I, and Q (my set will include only one M, one I, the Q set, but no candle or anything)

Let’s have a little break in the gloom around here, shall we?

A long while ago I purchased the one and only (one if you count it as a set) Jimmyjane product that I’d likely ever purchase1 – their Contour ceramic massage pieces. I opened the boxes, shuffled them around in my hands and smeared soy wax on them but they were too much for my sensitive muscles to tolerate at the hands of a husband who knows nothing about giving massage (not his fault!) and have sat, unused, for over a year now. Time to get them in the hands of someone who can use them!

Wow, I’m not starting off this giveaway on an upbeat These Are Awesome!! note, am I? A lot of other people have given these pieces glowing reviews; they certainly are versatile. They can be warmed up for something like a hot stone massage and can help relieve the strain on your fingers and thumbs from trying to give a good, deep back massage. They’re made from a body-safe non-porous material that’s easy to clean, too. You’ll get these still in their JJ boxes. Since I’m the one sending these, sorry but it’s only open to US residents.

From what I understand, the Jimmyjane Contour Q stones are no longer for sale either so hey! Rare item!

The entries are being taken in using Rafflecopter, not comments! Just follow the directions for all the various ways you can get some entries. **NOTE: It’s pretty simple to use, and as you’ll see in other entries not much shows up here – only I see the details. So when I specifically tell you to put in extra info for an entry, like your username or whatever, not doing so could make your entry invalid. If I can’t verify your entry… won’t count. Simple as that.

Sorry, this contest has ended!

  1. Every high end vibrator has too many mixed reviews and is more money than I care to spend on something that most likely will leave me going “meh”
 Posted by at 6:40 pm