elust #25

 e[lust]  Comments Off on elust #25
Apr 302011

Photo courtesy of Sadie

Welcome to e[lust] – Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. And in this edition you can read all about the best sexuality conference of the year (ever?), Momentum, in a one-time-only Editor’s Choice anomaly: I couldn’t choose just one, so I chose them all! Want to be included in e[lust] #26? Start with the rules and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Where We Are It was only supposed to be about the fucking. I don’t know how I convinced myself that it could be. I fretted before we began, about how I could ever possibly separate sex from emotion.

The Edible Slut His hand made an audible crack as it connected with her ass, loud in the dim bedroom. Did he really sink his hand into her hair, turn her head to face him, and shout, “Stop being such a brat!”

Beyond BisexualI don’t identify as bisexual, because I am interested in so many more people than just two of the variety of sexes or genders out there. Except, that is a word that a lot of people understand.

~ Featured: Momentum Conference Posts (Lilly’s Picks) ~

An Extraordinary Gathering (and a Gathering of the Extraordinary)
Finally! A Real Momentum Post
Inspired by MomentumCon
#mcon Rehash
Momentumcon, Part One

~ e[lust] Editress ~

To Be or Not To Be….Anonymous, That IsIf you’re out or decide to be out….you’re not just outing yourself. You’re outing them all. And did they give their consent? Probably not, I’d guess. And even if they did give their consent could they even have a clue what consequences there will be?

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

A Bump In The Road – A Swinger Party Goes Bad
Bridging the Gap (Between Swinging and BDSM)
Eating Pussy
Jane Says: What Does Sex Feel Like For A Man?
Let’s talk about food
Safe Word
S&M And Abuse
The Rules, Revisited
The Wet Patch
Who Cares About Your Open Relationship
Where There’s Smoke…

Kink & Fetish

BDSM Advice: Nipple Clamps
Communicating by touch
Consent [Violated]
getting ready…
He mixed pleasure and pain, and my body responded to it all
Safety Scissors
Topping From the Bottom: An Ode
Wantonly Restrained
You Can Make It Feel So Real

Erotic Writing

3. Wrath
Cunt Licking
Definition of Inspiration
Miss Me?
My Sex Life: The Journey Continues, Part 2
Silk Memories
Sexy Dance-Ing
teacher sweaters and the cock that haunts me
The Casino
The miseducation of Ms. Mullins
Wow. Confession #558
When I come
You Want This

 Posted by at 9:57 pm
Apr 292011

I write this post on my last day of the job I was working when I started this blog. It wouldn’t feel right to not blog today while at work.

Well. Kind of. 2 years ago we were “restructured” and so while I still worked for the same branch and in the same block of buildings, my job duties and the building I worked in changed. And with that change back then also coincided the beginning of changes in what I’d be able to get away with at work. There was a time with a certain man when it was commonplace for me to be masturbating at my desk while chatting away with him or someone else, taking photos to be shared with him, someone else, and/or the blog. Usually all three.

So while I will walk away today from this building and these particular coworkers knowing that it’s not the place I sat the day I first penned this blog, it’s still “the place I started this blog” at. And through fate, and the butterfly effect, it is roundabout because of this blog that I am leaving this job today and this state in a week. This fact alone is utterly mind-boggling to me: that because of connections of connections I made through this blog my life is changing in a hundred ways. I never imagined that anything connected to this blog would have such a huge impact on me but this is the final straw of being proved wrong, and not the first time I’ve been proved wrong on that subject. While this blog is not over, this chapter of my life is and I have changed.

Yesterday I felt compelled to do two things “for old time’s sake”; the things that were once the staple and theme of this blog. I snapped some risky risque shots (to be shown in upcoming WantonWednesday posts), inspired to recreate the first office photo taken. I then pulled out my trusty silver bullet vibrator and orgasmed at my desk, again, one last time. I didn’t do it for the reasons of old…..sadly. I had no chat companion saying dirty things to me, no erotica fiction tumbling forth from my fingertips. And it was with sadness that I realized I had no one to show the photos to, either. Yes, you all….. But back when I was taking these regularly it was always for someone else. A request, a demand, a dare. And this time I had nobody to giggle and send the snaps to. It was a very melancholy realization. The nature and backbone of this blog has changed….for better or for worse, I don’t know. My social-sexual life is nothing like it was that first summer of blogging or the first year even. Will it ever be again? I don’t know.

I’ve always been the sentimental sort. To a fault. I didn’t much like high school; I wasn’t popular, I hated the school itself and the throng of other students pressing around you at all times, I hated the classwork and etc. But yet I still had connections. I still “grew up” there. Had friends. On the last day of high school I cried. I took photos. I looked around at every period of the day with purposeful eyes, trying to memorize everything. I knew that life was changing and even though I was leaving behind a chapter that wasn’t always good to me it still held a treasured place in my life. That’s kind of how I’m viewing this last day. Did I start the blog *because* I worked here? Because of my dire boredom back then? Quite possibly, yes. I started it not long after I found a way around the very restrictive internet policy (I used a remote login site called Logmein.com, and just did everything via my home computer. In later times I would up the security to accessing Logmein from Portable Firefox loaded up on a usb memory key). I browsed OkCupid and made acquaintances that led to me creating this blog. To finding the world of sex-blogging in general. While this city and what we thought we’d get out of the move to here ultimately let us down, I think I’m realizing that it was a necessary step. We were meant to be here at this time. It doesn’t make it suck less, I can’t stop viewing it as somewhat of a stall to our lives (because the progressions and gains that were “supposed” to happen, didn’t)…..but it brought us to this day. To next week. To the next big chapter.

So yes, while I won’t miss much of anything concrete here – (not the buildings, or the way things are run, or the job I did, or most of the people around me, or the office itself, or the commute, or the downtown city, or for that matter our apartment) save for one or two people and the simple convenience of many stores being in a close driving distance – I am a little sentimental about this day. To be certain though I am happy for it’s arrival. I am happy at the prospect of my future after our move, happy to move on from this place and this state and the ideals here.

But I won’t forget what this place did to me, for me, brought me. I have no ties, though, no true friends and no family in this city. The few friends I made here will shortly fade away I’m sure…..and so there you have it.

It’s time to go.


Other than a WW post next week, expect this place to remain fairly quiet yet until we move and get a little settled in. I think both hubs and I have kinda been unconsciously waiting on me to be done with work for the full-throttle srs bzns packing to begin (which doesn’t leave us much time to do it, but then I think we both perform best under pressure).

Apr 222011

Here’s two misconceptions that I’m going to clear up straight off the bat.

1. That just because I create & run something, doesn’t mean I’m a dictator. e[lust] is as much yours as it is mine, and I value the opinions of everyone. I would never, ever presume to think I am the sole decider on what is and what is not sex-positive.

2. No one is perfect. None of us are the sex-pos liberal version of Mother Theresa (is there one?). I, and a panel of judges, will decide inclusion based on the blog post in question or the whole site if the whole site seems hinky. We cannot and will not judge anything from any other medium.

So if you don’t follow me (or e[lust]) on Twitter and somehow missed my constant whining for people to take my damn poll, I have this poll up in part because I’m sick of the occasional drivel that sneaks into e[lust]. And I know that others are, too. But mostly I am not a dictatorship on e[lust] and I want to hear from participants to make sure that I am not accused of holding others to MY definitions of sex-positive and that I don’t forget any. 98% of e[lust] participants are authentic bloggers. Some are not. Some walk that fine line between commercial and blogger, trying very hard to cover up their SEO-tastic “articles” with sock-puppet praise comments. Many of these “articles” contain a lot of words like “must” and “should” and “real women” and “real men” and…..no. If I would not want my future hypothetical daughter (VERY hypothetical) reading your “tips” or “educational article” then it’s not something I want to promote. Period. And I know a lot of others feel that way. Unfortunately, the only thing I can’t keep out is the occasional bad piece of erotica. It happens. Oops, wait, I just judged there and if I want to be sex-positive, I can’t judge anybody harshly, ever, in public. Right?

I’m going to share some of the responses that I got; not all, just some. Okay? Just some. And if you happened to write one that I listed here, I’m not asking you to take ownership. I don’t care who said what.

1. What does ethical & sex-positive blogging look like to you? Name some key elements of both.

  • Non-judgmental and respectful. Written for a wide audience. Not discriminatory or insulting. Approaches sex/sexuality with an open mind. Doesn’t make broad generalizations about groups
  • Tips and guides contain some fucking medically factual information. Posts have the spirit that however a person identifies is valid. That gender does not equal sex and that instead of 2 or 3 orientations there are millions. Inclusive. That sex is neither good nor bad, it just is.
  • Ethical is disclosing that toy reviews are done in exchange for getting the toy for free but still giving an honest opinion. Ethical is refraining passive-aggressive posts about others. Sex positive is accepting of of others sexual tastes, practices, whatever, even if it doesn’t personally appeal to you. Ethical is also crediting content originally posted by others.
  • Should fearlessly critique itself (and accept critique) and others. Should not support racism, sexism, classism, homophobia, transphobia, ablism, etc.. Should be flexible enough to change positions on absorbing new information, but strong when well-thought-out. Should balance freedom of expression with control of abusive language, esp. in comments.
  • It also does not use euphamisms or shirk off the responsibility of saying “if you do X, there is a chance Y will happen” such as “if you do edge play with knives, bad shit can happen including losing blood in copious amounts, which can often lead to DEATH, which is why proper training, prep, and worst case scenario preparation is required including things you’ll never think of in the moment, like insurance cards, doctor records, preferred hospitals, tourniquets, extra cellphone batteries/chargers, emergency contact info.”
  • Ethical sex positive blogging includes information about safer sex practices and emphasizes communication and honesty with partners – in all areas. It is free of hate speech and while personal preferences and the exploration of personal beliefs is absolutely encouraged, judgmental and exclusivity statements should be avoided.
  • An awareness that there’s more than just heterosexuality, more than just gender-binary, and more than ‘one twuu way’ of doing things. No slut-shaming. Celebrating diversity and body shapes and different desires.

2. And what about the opposite….what would make you say a blog or a post is NOT sex-positive or ethical?

  • Links to spam Posts that assume the readership are only hetero, typical, vanilla, cisgenered, etc. etc. (Not that hetero, etc people can’t write from their perspective, but posts that are written in a way which assumes that’s the only perspective. For example, saying all men love x.)
  • SEO marketing. Shaming. Hate speech. Non factual information passed on like gospel. misogyny. bashing. Post that preach the way the writer has sex is the only way to have sex. slut-shaming. Victim blaming. Pseudo science.
  • Disingenuous stories meant to draw ads
  • Something which is highly judgemental, irrationally negative, does not acknowledge both sides of the argument and uses generalizing terms. Also, a sex blog which assumes that any issues floating around are all about women, that women have no interest in sex/pornography, are always exploited and also censors women for sex positive attitudes or sexual enthusiasm.
  • Judgmental and preachy sites. Bloggers who make blanket statements, especially statements designed to exclude unfairly segregate a particular sub-group, or seeks to marginalize those with a different value or decision making matrix.
  • When it’s trying to sell one right way of thinking. When it’s slut-shaming. When it’s actually trying to sell a product but is devious about it.
  • Heterosexist ideology. Not intelligent when it comes to sexuality (for instance, suggesting unhealthy techniques or products). Abusive techniques (see any list on abusive behavior).

I’ve left a few out due to not answering that actual question at hand, or just being something already said prior, or being inappropriate.

Mostly, I agree with these responses. And these points will be posted in some manner over at e[lust] once the Sex Positive Blogging Movement page is live. I want people to know up front what we expect. Transparancy, right? Some things that I don’t think are realistic to expect ALL the time EVERY time are the educational warnings about things like risky BDSM practices. If I write an erotica piece about say, breath-play, I’m not going to follow it with a PSA in the footer. If you’re educating though on breath-play techniques, then yes. But not all responsibility can lay with the writer, the reader has to take some as well.

It’s going to be messy, though. I won’t lie. I’m going to get hated on by some rigid people. I’m going to field accusations. What if someone wrote the occasional passive-aggressive post against someone or a company? Are they banned forever? Twitter was brought up by someone. No. Absolutely not. I do not have the TIME or the ABILITY or fuck even the inclination to take into account something someone might have said once on Twitter 6 months ago. For one, I don’t follow everybody, and for two….isolated incidents are HUMAN NATURE. Nobody is 100% perfect. Shit, if I were expected to be the Lady Liberty bastion of sex-positive just because I want to have e[lust] be more sex-pos than it is, then I would be wholly unqualified to even run the thing if I took everything said to heart during every minute of my life and every word I’ve ever said as Lilly. THINK before you cast those stones…..are you perfect enough to cast them?

Here’s a distinction. I, personally, do not like swallowing semen. Photos of come dripping out of a person’s mouth make me gag. It’s just ME. Now, do I give a shit if you’re into that? Fuck no. If we’re partners and it’s a hard limit for you, then I give a shit. But I am allowed, I think, to say that I don’t like that act. THE ACT. Not the people who like the act, and many do. Good for you. But please do not try to tell me that I am less of a woman, not a real partner, a shitty lover, etc if I do not swallow. That latter mindset in a post is sex-negative. My assertion that I do not like an act and find it to be gross is not sex-negative. Are we clear? Do you disagree?

While I am open to healthy, sane discussion in comments that is not argumentative or arrogant, if I feel things are getting out of hand or my blood pressure rises, I will close comments. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but hey….as many others like to say, my house, my rules. I won’t have people arguing at each other in my comments. Take it outside, ok?  And no, not one little bit of my opinions stated here in the aforementioned post are stated to or at any one particular person, but as an opinion/statement to the generic public reading this blog. </ridiculous disclaimers>

 Posted by at 8:00 pm
Apr 162011

Open All the Way marks Sadie Smythe’s foray into long-range storytelling. Most well known for her outspoken commentary about relationship paradigms and the navigation through her own alternative arrangement with her husband Scott, Sadie is very excited to offer her loyal readers a larger-lensed view into her openly married life.

Each chapter of Open All the Way is an individual story in itself. But the combined ensemble compellingly chronicles her journey. Sadie, in her straightforward style, discusses openly and honestly the numerous pitfalls she and her husband encountered along the way, while intellectually and entertainingly supporting her choices. It’s sexy, smart, and provocative prose; a full, fascinating glimpse into an untraditional relationship.

I’ve been reading Sadie‘s book in my spare time this week. It’s a unique memoir-style book that her long-time fans will love. I highly suggest that you treat her book as you would a blog or even letters….what I mean is, read just one chapter a day. Give yourself time in between chapters, otherwise the timeline of things might get murky in your head if you’re anything like me, who plows through books. When read slowly, though, it’s like you’re sitting down with her over drinks as she shares a story with you in “Oh god, did I ever tell you about Carl??” style. The book is written in the same writing voice as her blog and you feel like you’re there with her in person as she tells her stories. I also really respect that she’s not peddling advice. This book is about her, not you; she’s not trying to sway you one way or the other into accepting or wanting to follow her lifestyle choices. But when you are considering the open marriage lifestyle it does help to hear from others who’ve been there. The good, the bad, and everything in between, because that is reality. And this book is Sadie’s reality. Well, 90%, as names have been changed to protect the innocent ;)

So have at it! Go buy Sadie’s book

 Posted by at 8:59 am
Apr 132011

One of the mind-altering panel sessions that I attended at Momentum was Who is SexyKitty69? Exploring the social media pros & cons of anonymity. Twanna Hines1, moderator, and Shanna Katz2, Samantha Fraser3 and Stef Woods4, panelists, were all originally anonymous bloggers (see footnotes for their “out” stories). They all now show their faces and blog alongside their real name. Katherine Curtis, also on the panel, is a little more like me (half-in half-out) except that she shows her face; she keeps some anonymity by using Kat as a pen name on Naked News.

There are many reasons why bloggers of any niche change from anonymous to open; most of these bloggers out themselves. Conversely, some like the blogger-formerly-known-as Zoe Margolis /Girl with a One Track Mind, have been outed without consent. She was outed because she wrote a book based on her blog, and published it anonymously. Since this happened back before sex bloggers and risque books were “common”, the UK media did everything in their power to find out Zoe’s real name. The damage done to her life was, and continues to be, devastating in many ways.

Blogging about sex isn’t always as easy to do as “the real you”. It’s a touchy subject in this country, and it can be very off-putting for some to openly discuss the sex they’re having knowing all the while that friends and family could be reading about last week’s threesome at any moment. For many, the cloak of anonymity offers freedom of speech, freedom of expression, and less worry that you’ll have to deal with real-life fall-out from the content of your blog.

With my fast-approaching life changes, I’ve considered being “less anonymous” on my blog. I’ve considered finally disclosing who I (at the time of this post still) work for, as an explanation for why I had to be so careful. I’ve considered showing more of my face, or even sharing more personal details about life in general. Instead, I was smacked in the face with a realization during this session: there is no way to reliably and easily walk that tightrope. I would never put my real name on this blog, yet I’d consider exposing details that, if anybody who knew me were to find my blog, would identify me as much as my name or face. It is all too easy to slip up and give away something game-changing. I didn’t think about those details until this session.

It also occurred to me during this session that I really need to re-think how my future plans for the sex toy education parties are going to affect me and my anonymity. One big facet of the workshop was to teach them how to find reliable sex toy reviews – and I feel that it’s easier to find a reliable reviewer by looking to the blogs. (You can go back and read all their reviews, see what they like and how they like it and find someone who’s likes and dislikes mesh with your own; you can also see that they’ve been giving credible and thorough reviews for awhile.)  But by teaching them to search for reviews on blogs, you know what’s going to eventually happen, right?

They’ll land on my blog.

While I don’t show my full face and try to only show enough that still gives me a veil of “is that…..? nah….not her,” I could be wrong. One of them could easily find my blog and recognize me! Of course, since these people will be somewhat local to me, there’s a chance they might know others I also know, or others I might write about in the future (should I start going out again). All of which leads to this really big reminder:

When you blog, it is not just about YOUYou are involving everyone in your life (unless of course you never, ever write about anybody other than yourself).Your partner, your friends, your family and even your boss/coworkers/company. If you’re anonymous it’s not as big of an invasion unless one of them finds your blog. If you’re out or decide to be out….you’re not just outing yourself. You’re outing them all. And did they give their consent? Probably not, I’d guess. And even if they did give their consent could they even have a clue what consequences there will be? Can even you foresee the future complications for yourself? Your partner? Your child? Your future child? Your next job? There is a big responsibility to everyone else in your life when you decide to blog publicly about sex. Take responsibility. When the shit hits the fan take responsibility for it yourself. Please don’t expect other people to clean up your mess5.

There are notable downsides to being out. Shanna pointed out that if she ever wanted to go back to her old type of work, in the vanilla world, she’s going to have a very hard time getting a job. On the internet, “Shanna Katz” is completely tied to her old moniker “Essin’Em”.  Employers DO Google and man will they ever get an eyeful when they see her internet presence – sex educator, sex blogger, she’s been in porn, etc. Awesome creds for sex-pos jobs, scary creds for say….an accountant. Stef pointed out that she’d like to adopt a child. Will her blog, which is about her friends/dates/sex life, prevent her from being able to adopt a child? Will they employ slut-shaming tactics and judge her mothering abilities based on the blog? Katherine Curtis and Shanna both have had fans try to “friend” their mom, their partner, etc on Facebook. And of course there’s the nut-jobs who might stalk you.

I don’t mean to be the purveyor of doom and gloom here, I truly don’t. I recognize that coming out and blogging as the real you (or in my case, just a little bit more of the real me) can be freeing. No more worrying about someone finding and outing you without your consent, and no more dual identities. So what about a little of each? Sharing some privacy-cropped photos, details of your personal life, attending events where a roomful (or conference-full) of people are putting a face (and maybe real name) to your blog but yet not going completely commando – taking care to draw lines and use different email addresses, not showing your face on a public blog, not sharing even your real first name or the name of the town you live in? But if you think you can pull off that tightrope walk of being half-in and half-out, consider these facts:

  • 78% of Americans are online.
  • 52% of people are on Facebook.
  • Half of those on Facebook are online at any given moment.
  • The average Facebook user has 132 friends.

Luckily for me I don’t meet that average number. Over a year ago I had a very close encounter with Facebook’s lovely practice of recommending friends based on things like number of friends in common AND who’s in your combined address books of the third party accounts you both chose to associate with the Facebook account. I’d had a blog-me FB and a real-me FB. One day I noticed that someone who was friends with real-me had requested to friend blog-me. Thankfully, she’s pretty cool and open and had no problem with the blog. But she had uh, ahem, recognized the cleavage in the blog-me photo I’d chosen to use. Not my face, not the background…my cleavage. What if someone else from my friends list at that time had clicked on the recommendation, not by recognition of my tits, but sheer curiosity? Would they have made the connection, seeing more of my body parts? It was a nerve-wracking 36 hours as I did my best to shovel dirt on my tracks and delete my blog-me presence in Facebook.

Another potential disaster that happened, because I was cocky and not thinking, occurred early on in my blogging career. I showed potential OKC or Craigslist dates my sex blog. After all, it gave them a pretty good inside scoop as to what I liked sexually and hey – great conversation starter! I know other sex bloggers who’ve done it as well with mixed results, but I just happened to show it to someone who worked for the same organization as me. The cards collapsed when he figured out where I worked based on one of my photos wherein I showed something outside one of our office windows. Once he knew what building I was in, and based on what I’d already disclosed privately and on my blog about my office…he came over. He didn’t ask, he just did it. Since I was a receptionist and not hidden in the cube farm, he was able to walk right by my desk.  He had texted me in warning about 20 seconds before entering my floor so I had the warning and I didn’t look up from my desk. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a guy walk by that had to be him. He didn’t say a word, just walked by. Twice. As I trembled in fear and adrenaline, I realized that he knew too much.

And he had seen my real name.

The panic that ensued on my part nearly got me to yank the blog entirely. He could have outed me to my boss and gotten me fired. It was a HUGE deal.

Instead of shuttering my entire online presence, I removed a few photos, changed a few others, & changed some previously-written details within my blog entries. At the time I balked about doing that. It felt “wrong” to me. Like I wasn’t being as authentic as I could be. But one smart point that Samantha made during the session was this: What is more important: The safety/happiness of a date/partner/job/yourself, or the story? She even brought up the time she was forced to change details & even remove some posts altogether once she was outed, all in the name of protecting someone she cared very much for who didn’t want to be on the blog.

I don’t know what I’m going to do now going forward. I do know that I have a lot to think about, both with this blog and the sex toy education parties I plan to do. The session presented me with a look at what could happen, and to be frank…it scared me. But it is a fear I am thankful for. I WILL be more careful, and I will put a lot more thought into my actions with this blog. I will think about myself, my family, those I’ve talked about on this blog, those related to those I’ve talked about on the blog and so on. I will learn to compartmentalize better and be safer while still retaining my authenticity and not becoming a recluse.

I’d really like to hear thoughts from all types of bloggers who are in various phases of anonymity or out-ness. What are your reasons for the choice? Do you plan to change? Do you have a “shit hit the fan” plan?
  1. Twanna started out blogging just as Funky Brown Chick when she was approached to do a paid writing gig for Nerve; once it was made known to her that they wanted a face shot to go along with her byline she took the plunge
  2. Shanna blogged for a good number of years under her roller derby name, Essin’Em. When she got her sex ed degree and started doing college campus tours and various classes it became clear that using her real name (which is what’s on her degree, of course) would make things infinitely more easy. It helped that by then she was working already for a sex-positive company (Fascinations/FunLove)
  3. Sam was anonymous until she was approached by a national newspaper to do a big front-page type article on her and her husband’s open marriage lifestyle – complete with real names and face photos. They both took the plunge with much thought and reverence given
  4. As CityGirl, a DC dating blog, Stef attended some blogging gatherings. When she attended things as CityGirl she would allow them to photograph her from the back, showing only her trademark long red hair. When she was at events as Stef the attorney, she allowed full face and name photos. But one day at a DC Blogging bash, an online publication listed her face shot as CityGirlBlog’s Stef Woods, not what she req’d: Attorney Stef Woods. The change was quickly made online and she continued to be partially out in the DC social scene. It wasn’t until her breast cancer diagnosis that she decided to be fully out on her blog in the name of activism
  5. and yes, I am referring to a few bloggers most of us know – be their situation chosen or outed, I don’t support their cries to the community for money to help them clean up the messes they ultimately made. Cold? Maybe. But when you’re doing something risky, you have to be prepared. I’m not going to help you pay for your unpreparedness
 Posted by at 2:32 pm
Apr 102011

Today I started updating my blogroll page; culling dead links, adding long-overdue blogs by people I like, etc. And it got me thinking about my practices versus other peoples, especially when I received an email last week from someone I didn’t know at all who wanted to do a link exchange. I politely responded with my text link rates, and (not surprisingly) never heard back.

My Blogging Commandments:

1. I comment wherever I want to, when I have something of value to add. I don’t comment JUST to comment. I don’t comment just to get my link in there. And if that person is someone who never, ever reads my blog? So what. That won’t stop me from commenting.

I’ve seen this happen here on my blog. I’ve seen bloggers eventually stop commenting because I didn’t follow suit and start reading/commenting on their blog. It’s not necessarily an insult, perhaps it’s just not my cup of tea. I’m reading fewer and fewer kink-related blogs these days. It’s just not my current “thing”.

2. I link to people I like. People I read. People who I respect their opinions and writing. I do NOT link to somebody just because they’ve asked me to.

If a blogger asks to swap links, what that says to me is “I don’t like you enough to link to you, regardless of whether you link to me. I’m doing it just to get a link from your site which might get more traffic than mine.”. That’s how I read it. If a site asks to swap links, that means they think I’m dumb enough to devalue myself and give them free advertising, lol.

3. I don’t feel obligation to link to someone just because they link to me.

It’s a great compliment. I sincerely appreciate it. But I hate obligation, so please don’t play that card.

And finally…..I hate it when someone comments and then leaves their link in the comment with “please read me!” Save that for email. That sounds bitchy, I know. But there’s a space anyways in the comment form for your address. That’s already a link. The fact that you went about it that way tells me “I’m trying to drum up traffic and I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about your blog, the content of this post, or you and I’ll likely never be back”.

Give respect. Get respect. (and why the fuck do people want a link on my blog? I’m a small damn fish!)

I asked this on Twitter and got a lot of agreement, but no disagreement. Surely there’s people who disagree. I’m honestly wondering if my practices are in the minority. When I responded to one link exchange email last month, I’d told the person that if they wanted to be seen, get traffic and be a part of the community that they should participate…comment…that I see them as a stranger just wanting a hand-out who can’t even be bothered to read/participate on my blog. And that feels like being used. Their response was that they had been asked a few times for a link swap so therefore they thought it was ok/normal.

 Posted by at 12:47 pm