“I can’t orgasm – and it’s not your fault”

Author’s Disclaimer to head off certain criticism at the pass:  I am not a doctor. This post was not written by a doctor. What is true for me, my husband and some others is not true for everyone. The purpose in writing this is to help some other people who might be very similar to us and don’t know it. A doctor could explain this a lot more accurately than I, so please note that I am only trying to explain this on a basic level and to the best of my layman’s ability.

I am a tough cookie to please when it comes to sex toys; specifically, vibrators. I require more stimulation than a lot of other women do. And I find that women who are similar to me require the same type of vibrations as I do – the deeper, rumbly sort that goes beyond the surface of the skin. I need the extra stimulation not on the portion of the clitoris that you can see……I usually need the stimulation to reach the portion of the clitoris you cannot see which happens to be the majority of the organ (the clitoris can be compared to an iceberg, let’s put it that way). I’ve also found that adding in g-spot pressure ramps up the stimulation for every body part involved.  It’s a little more complicated than just that, though. The reason why I need it isn’t necessary just a body thing, it’s a brain thing. I used to think I was “deformed” and had fewer nerve endings than most others. What is lacking is my brain chemistry and probably nothing to do with my clitoris. I have a dopamine disorder mixed with other brain chemistry issues that results in a skewed “reward system” in my brain. This is the best way I can describe it (see Disclaimer above).

My husband also has dopamine issues and depending on other factors like stress, medication and more his sensitivity levels flucuate wildly. Before he was properly treated for the dopamine disorder he had a period where his brain chemicals were very messed up; the affect that this had on sex was that he required a lot more stimulation than ever before. It was actually during this time period that he really delved into exploring prostate stimulation in part because of a craving and need for more stimulation – both of the flesh and the brain. There was a time period where his orgasms were few and far between with me. Sex and blowjobs just didn’t provide the extreme level of sensation he’d come to require.

When someone’s partner has difficulty climaxing there’s often a lot of blame thrown around and/or knocks to self-esteem. The non-orgasming partner feels guilty (they might even end up faking it eventually just to soothe their partner) and frustrated. The other person worries that they’re not a good enough lover, not attractive enough, not loved enough, etc. Until quality conversations are had, a lot of bad feelings are tossed around.

There’s three ways to approach situations like this:

• See a doctor or two for diagnosis and treatment with anti-depressants or ADD medication, or more holistic approaches like diet changes, nutrition supplements, etc. (Dopamine disorders can cause various forms of anhedonia, as can depression/anxiety)
• Have multiple, honest discussions with your partner to alleviate relationship stress and involve them
• Experiment with sex toys – masturbators, prostate stimulators, vibrators, dildos, whatever floats your boat. Incorporate sex toys in your sex life every time you’re together to help achieve orgasm when you want it

Thanks to porn (and teenage misinformed gossip) we’re led to believe that orgasms are easy and natural and occur for everyone. So when we (or our partner) have difficulty usually the first reaction is to hide it away and pretend all is fine. This approach not only doesn’t help matters but it makes everything more difficult for when you finally DO talk about it. While I know that orgasm does not have to be the end-result for every single sexual encounter, I think it’s pretty important. The rush of endorphins that you get from it is a boost to your own health and the health of your relationships – you feel pretty awesome when you’re laying with your partner afterward both blissed out from the orgasm high, right?