On Being Bi-sexual and Dating Women

I no longer consider myself “bicurious”, and I haven’t for a number of years. But some days I still feel that way,  due to a lack of even one good Girl Date.

I’ve been with women sexually…..less than a half dozen, all encounters that happened through either planning to have sex or something similar. I’ve never actually *dated* a woman. Not for lack of trying! I had one encounter, once, that had a possibility of being….well, I don’t know. I’ll never know, because it was cut short. With the exception of that woman, for a few moments, I don’t think I’ve ever flirted with a woman face-to-face. Internet? sure. lots! I’ve even had dates with said women with mixed results.

Back in the heyday of Myspace, I met a few girls that I’d randomly friended on there (because they listed themselves as bi..yes I admit it) and had flirted with for a few weeks online. Flirted and became friendly with. The Goth girl was awesome; we got along famously, like the start of a great friendship. But I couldn’t detect any flirting! Do women flirt differently than guys? And I didn’t know how to be flirty with a woman. It seems different, somehow. In the end, the relationship failed for many reasons. One of which was that we lived an hour apart and she didn’t drive. Another date went horribly because at least for me, there was no attraction in person. It wasn’t her looks, it was her personality and the way she spoke. Too young, too um well that’s not politically correct so I won’t say it.

I went out with a girl I met on Okcupid last year. Again, it was like two friends hanging out. I mentioned her here very briefly (and she even let me put her up as a secret guest HNT!) and while she did kiss me at the end of our….date? hang-out? the atmosphere had still been friendly. So I was still left confused.

I’ve hung out with women I have a crush on, and guess what? No flirting. Either I’m undateable or the phenomenon Nadia (her friend, actually) calls the “Lesbian Sheep Dance” is alive and well.

I love women, but I apparently fail at dating them.

This needs to change.

13 Responses

  1. nitebyrd says:

    The one woman that I became sexually involved with was (still is) a very, very good friend. It was out of the friendship that our attraction grew. Were I to be with another woman, I would need that level of friendship as well. Not being very experienced in bi relationships, I’m just thinking that maybe women need the friendship as well as the sexual?

    ~ I think it depends on the woman. But I think that bi-sexual women who spent their formative dating years dating men might get stuck in that rut of viewing women as “friends first”? Or we have this under-the-surface neurosis of “what if she’s actually not attracted to women and she freaks out?” There’s a million reasons, I guess.

  2. Britni TheVadgeWig says:

    Oh man, I relate to this so hard! I *have* dated girls, but we always started out as friends first, no one making the move or saying anything. With both the girls I’ve dated, it took us getting drunk to finally admit that we liked each other. It shouldn’t be like that!

    But lately, I’ve been going out with this girl (that I’ve even had sex with before!) and when we’re not drinking, we’re just like to girl friends, not two girlfriends. Even when we plan it as a date! It’s really frustrating, because I’m super shy with women. Being a bisexual girl is off-putting to many lesbians, and I’ve been rejected by women for looking “too straight” or not being gay enough, so I’m nervous about making the first move.

    So, yeah, I’m right there with you.

    ~ No, it shouldn’t require alcohol but I’ve found that it kinda does!

  3. nadia west says:

    As you mentioned, I know this phenomena too well. Women are so hard to read! I’m trying a slightly different angle these days, we’ll see how it goes. I have to stop doing the lesbian sheep dance! But my insecurity keeps me from being more straightforward with women I like. Plus yes, I think being socialized to be friends with women makes it harder for me to flirt or hit on them.

    ~ Well yes, there is that whole stupid insecurity thing and I think that, as women, we tend to be drawn to other women who are like us…..you’re not likely to find a friendship/relationship where one is quite insecure and one is quite confident. So then we’ve got two women together of varying degrees of insecurity and second-guessing. Disaster!

  4. Chris says:

    It seems to me that in many male/female relationships (not all, by any means, but a lot of them) the guy has to take make the move because the woman will be so locked into her head that she finds it nearly impossible to do. I could be incredibly wrong, but it seems to me then that two women trying to date each other would be excruciating since neither one would want to make the first move. A perpetual limbo where both parties want more, but it won’t happen because neither one will simply try for it. Its a hard lesson for good guys to learn too. That’s why so many good guys get sidelined. They want more, but don’t want to be pushy so they lose any chance they might’ve had with the woman.

    ~ Again, I think perhaps the levels of self-confidence come into play here. If you dated mostly confident women in your past you probably wouldn’t have this opinion.

  5. sexie sadie says:

    I can relate to this, too. I think women don’t flirt the same way with each other that they do with men. I had a brief (3 month) relationship with a woman, and have had numerous sexual encounters with a handful of women, but that was YEARS ago. I, too, am due for a girl date :)


    ~ I’d really like your take on girl-dating, because I know damn well you’re of the “confident” variety and so I imagine your experiences are going to be quite different from mine!

  6. Kristen says:

    I’m pretty new at this whole girly dating thing, and definitely have had to take the ‘top’ roll in order to find out where our relationships were heading. So far, it has worked for me (which I would have to say is extremely good luck, and NOT talent of any kind).

    Too bad you’re so far away – because I’d love to take you out. Or just take you home. :)

    ~ Um…..uh….*blushes* Well now. That just reduced me to a stammering idiot, LOL. ;)

  7. T says:

    I think some men could say the same as you. Heh. Women are WAY more complicated than men.

    ~ Some days I agree with you. Some days? I just wanna give up lol

  8. Matt says:

    Brenda struggled with this same question when she realized she was well and truly bisexual. From her experience, (if you don’t mind me passing it along through me) she would agree with statements above about the need to be confident and forward. Similar principles to flirting with guys (longer eye contact than normal, find excuses for “innocent” physical contact, complimenting her hair, clothes, etc.) but definitely take the initiative and watch the response. Another thing Brenda found is her “gaydar” for bi-girls developed significantly with a little practice. With all that, I’m having a hard time imagining you wouldn’t have pretty good odds :)

    ~ Well unfortunately with confidence….you either have it, or you don’t. And if you don’t, you can either fake it, or you can’t. But I’m usually too caught up in the moment and my own thoughts to pay attention to the little cues. Also, ADD brain here, so I’m not one who pays attention to details normally, lol

  9. Hot Momma says:

    Having the same problem here too, met women in person, kissed, held hands and so forth. But…plan another date and NOTHING happens. We end up doing something Busy and not going forward w/ what we psyche each other about all week for.

    It interesting because Kinky Librarian posted something this very week about the EXACT same dilemma.
    I don’t know how to overcome it either, I don’t want to date just lesbians, course they don’t exactly want me either, but bi-sexual women come with more drama than I could EVER dream of… the art of seduction is lost on another woman I think. Men KNOW when we are flirting, we bite our lips, play w/ our hair, tilt our head…but you do that to another woman…meh I dunno!

    I have been actively seeking for almost two years, had a few encounters, but NOT what I wanted. Just barely touched the surface. They also seemed to be put off when I mention that I have kids, I work and I am a wife.


    ~ I have to wonder if lesbians would agree with your thoughts, that the art of seduction is lost on another woman? I think it’s because, maybe, as bi-sexuals we’re not accustomed to getting that treatment from another woman…and so we don’t see it for what it actually is. Some women are also by nature very touchy and almost-flirty in their female friendships, and it’s platonic.

  10. SteelHorseman says:

    The thing that kept crossing my mind was how you flirt with a woman and how I would flirt with a woman. Something just doesn’t quite fit when I try to imagine a woman using my “techniques”. I guess because I cannot imagine a woman responding to another woman the way she would to a man. Well now I am thinking about it and will likely think it all the way through just to see where my brain leads me.

    ~ You should share these thoughts with me!

  11. Vixen says:

    See. I am SO much better at dating women. I SUCK at dating men. They are easier to meet, I’ll give it that. But I always click so much better/easier with women. Now finding the *right* girl….that has been my problem. Again. Not as easy to meet at men.

    So complicated this dating world! LOL

  12. Mysterious says:

    Can a bi-gal over come being bi when it comes to dating straight men to trying to getting into the “straight” gal thing or not?

    I know a friend who is bi, she was married twice to men an divorced. IT never worked out because she’s BI.

    ~ The very definition of bi-sexual is that you’re attracted to both sexes. There is no either-or. Nobody can “get over” their sexuality. If she’s been divorced twice it is not because she’s bi. It’s because she married the wrong person.

  13. Just like so many of the women who have already spoken up, it is hard to form a relationship with a woman when you are bisexual.
    For one, I think there are alot of bisexuals who are just interested in sex and not an actual relationship, so the pool of potential “girlfriends” is a bit smaller.
    I’ve met and went out on dates with several women from OKC and other dating sites, and they really haven’t led anywhere.
    I’ve had more one night stand type of things with women than I have had with men, and quite frankly.. I’m not very fond of the one night stand sort of thing.
    I have dated one lady for a period of a few months, but it didn’t work out very well in the end.
    So.. it looks as though we are all in the same bisexual boat here! LOL!
    I would SO like to find someone to have that kind of relationship with, but alas… it’s a hard thing to accomplish.