Nov 252009

*Disclaimer: I’m kinda off my meds right now. Well, some of them. Somehow going OFF the stimulants has me more awake to the point of being jittery, has dissolved the “inappropriate filter” a good deal, while at the same time completely killing what little ability I had remaining for focusing on the tasks at hand. You’ve been warned.

Actually, the only people I’ll likely end up offending are the ones who are too uptight and take themselves too seriously.

As I sit here hoarding the pumpkin roll and orgasming over the cream cheese frosting, let me take this time to say that if there was a product that made male ejaculate taste like sweetened cream cheese (but ew no NOT the consistency thankyouverymuch) then I just might become a cocksucking whore. Seriously it’s shameful how much I’ve eaten today and the absolute lack of self-control when I’m in the room with an item frosted with cream cheese. I daresay I’d even eat banana bread if it had creamcheese frosting on it. (holymotherfuck I bet people click on the link to this page from google searches for ‘cream cheese frosting recipe’ and hoooboy are they in for a shocker and no I don’t mean the hand gesture)



Oh, clarification: Twitter is not  cyber-sex chat room. I know of two couples right off the bat who are going to heartily disagree with me on this (and they know who they are) but I also know of many others who will agree with me on this (and if you don’t cop to it in comments, then you’re a Douchetard). Before they get pissy, let me say that my opinion on this doesn’t mean I have anything against them personally. Not at all. But since I have to see the cybersex tweets in my stream because I follow you, I feel I am allowed this opinion. Captain Awkward (pronounced CAPTAIN AWWWWWKWARRRDDD a la Captain Caveman) is here to tell you kiddies that it’s usually not hot, it’s uncomfortable. It’s private and we feel like we’re intruding but yet we’re not. If you find your cybersex to be so hot that it would be a shame to hide it from the world, then turn the transcript into a blog post.

The Problem with Yoga

Crissy has a new post today up at Toy With Me. I love this lady, but I have to learn not to read her posts while at work. I had to suck in my cheeks like fishyface and bite them so as to not bust out laughing and then be quesioned “Whatcha laughin at??” by the first nosy co-worker who walked by. I also must say that Crissy is one fucked up lady for thinking up these sex positions in the first place, these positions that require the safety harnesses that the Cirque du Soleil. Or.


[……..] OOOOO or in a zero gravity room!!! CRISSY!!!! THATS IT!!! These are sex positions to try when you have a zero gravity experience and if you started a pay-by-the-hour zero-gravity hotel with these illustrations hung up like art, for inspiration, you’d make a fortune. In Japan.

I know, right?!?! (call me, I know a guy, he’ll back it if we install spycams)



I’m a people-pleaser. Yes I know that sounds like a bad line from an interview or cover letter for any given retail job or a euphemism for big ole slut but I really am. Some tell me I’m too nice, and I’m finally realizing that I think I am. I’ve seen recently that a few friends are taking advantage of me, taking me for granted. Let me tell you something. I do not have the ego enough to state that the grass isn’t greener on the other side of me. It very well could be, because people I am FAR from perfect. But let me just say that when you slight me in favor of that greenie-green grass? You’d better learn to love it because the gate will be closed, you can’t come back and get the same quality of grass that you got from me before. I will not be the temporary placard while you wait for the better thing to come along.

Also let me just say that if anybody reads that and feels the need to ask me if I’m referring to them, then they should take a minute and think about why their guilty conscience assumed it so. And when you’re done thinking, just keep it to yourself.



I’m really dreading the holiday this week. Why? Did you read the disclaimer up there??? The in-laws are a little….proper. I can’t swear in front of them. I feel the need to sit ramrod straight and make sure I use the proper fork. I’m so afraid that I’ll make last years slip-up look like child’s play. All I did was spill something on the pretty clothe tablecloth and out of my mouth flew “SHIT!” and the table went silent as my hub and mom tried to stiffle giggles and the in-laws tried to not let their abject horror show. In conversation this week with one of the two girlfriends I have with whom I can let the snark fly, she’s telling me about a family Christmas tradition that they’re practically being held at gunpoint to play along with. I can’t tell you all the details and really it’s a “you have to have been there” but I said “Christ what is this, a Merry 3rd Reich Christmas?!?”. *sigh* Or how about I’m in Target the other day, and I pick up a container with no barcode on it OF COURSE and I’m in a hurry OF COURSE but thankfully instead of the guy making someone go check, he asked if I recalled the price. Jesus man, no, I barely remember what row I parked my car in. The price was fuzzy in my head but I knew it started with 6 and ended with 9. I said this. I SAID THAT! I said “I think it’s like $6.29 or $6.49….I’m not sure. I know there’s a 6 and a 9 in there but I forget that middle number” and then he asked his manager for the ok to just use that price and SHE asked me and I SAID IT AGAIN and I didn’t REALIZE what I was saying until I walked away from the register and then I was overcome by embarassment and the giggles like a goddamn 12 year old.

Holy Fuck.

I’ll just have to tell Hub to do most of the talking tomorrow, and then for the dinner with my (considerably less uptight) family on the weekend, I’ll be sure to avoid alcohol and make sure the adults know that Aunt Lilly might not be “under 18 approved” this weekend and to hide away their children.

  16 Responses to “Snark n’ Vinegar”

  1. I bet you get Fleshbot’d again for this post and your love of cream cheese.

    I don’t mind watching a little flirting or foreplay in life or on twitter but I’ll pass on watching the actual sex thanks.

    One plus this year for me is not having to spend it with the former in-laws. There really is a silver lining to every dark cloud.

    As usual I love your snark ;)

    Happy Thanksgiving!


  2. I’m probably less tolerant than you of Twitter cybersex. In fact, I don’t want to see anyone’s long and drawn out conversations there, take it to chat for god’s sake.

    One unintended consequence of following all the people I do, for which I have no explanation other than I’m a sucker, is that most of the BS is drowned out by all the background noise. It’s not a bad thing. The few people I really care about following, I just go to their stream.

    Maybe I’m just grumpy too.

    Happy Thanksgiving, sorry about those in-laws from hell.


  3. The cybersex in the twitter stream usually makes me uncomfortable enough to log off of twitter until it’s over. Incidentally that goes the same for twitter fights. Not everything needs to be done for all to see.

    I’m lucky that I like my in laws and they are pretty much as improper as I am with my husbands cousins commenting on my “salad tossing” skills.

    Happy Thanksgiving hon! xoxo

  4. I’m new to your blog, but I love it! The part about the grener grass and the gate being cosed is awesome, and really applies to me right now especially the part about people reading and assuming. I just had that happen. People! anyway keep up the hot, funny, sexy blog!

  5. yup i’m guilty of doing it once in awhile.. in fact MONTHS ago, Sylvanus and I used to do it quite often and then stopped. Just recently the bug bit us again and has included other people. I know there are people out there who don’t like it and there are things that people do out there that I don’t like. I figure people can unfollow me and vice versa. I at least have the courtesy to start my tweets with an @ to the person instead of making tweets where I end them with the @ so that EVERYONE has to see it. I guess i do use twitter as a chat, I mean, I only follow people who actually talk to me. I personally don’t find the use in following someone who doesn’t acknowledge my presence (unless they happen to be a celebrity). So yeah, I’m guilty of doing it. Oh well…

    ~ Sure it is your Twitter and you can most certainly do as you wish. But I’m not about to unfollow you just for this….but then I don’t need to be seeing it, either. What’s wrong with taking it off Twitter? I’d truly be curious though to know if some followers do enjoy it (other than fap-happy saddies). You know I’m a huge fan of voyeurism but for some reason this doesn’t feel like it to me, I don’t enjoy “watching” it.

  6. I really like the snark n’ vinegar Lilly.

    Have a Happy Thanksgiving, as best you can!

  7. oh there are plenty of things I do one on one that are off twitter. lately it has been stuff involving more than just Sylvanus and myself. I guess the reason why it gets stuck on twitter is cuz it’s an easy platform that everyone can access from their phones when not sitting at a desk (like Syl) DMs don’t quite work when more than 2 people are involved. IMs work if you can all sit down on a comp at the same time. Hmmm perhaps I should just make a separate private twitter account that’s dedicated for that sort of thing. .. not a bad idea actually. lol

  8. Oh, Lilly (with two Ls), Queen of TEH SNARK – I bow down to you. I love your snarky, vinegary ways. If I’m in the mood to piss and moan, it’s usually you I turn to, to share in fun. Never stop!

    I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. If there are any debacles at the in-laws, you know I want to hear about it!

  9. People actually do that shit? How elementary school =/

  10. I wish I could close my freaking gate!

  11. After a ‘fun’ day w/ my insane family & looking not quite forward to her family this w/e, I must thank you for the laughs. And wish you will w/ the in-laws.

  12. Are your hub’s mother and my mother sisters? Same attitude – old world – gotta use the correct fork, elbows of the table, sit up straight, etc, etc, etc.

    I can definitely emphasize!

  13. Cream cheese frosting rocks! It especially rocks on homemade carrot cake.

    Anyway, that sucks that you feel you have to be all proper in front of the family during the holidays. If anything, one should be able to be relaxed and have a good time-but, that’s not always the case.

    I guess I am not on Twitter enough (and furthermore don’t follow that many people) to see any cybersex so I can’t comment there. However, I suppose it would get irritating to see it all the time.


  14. Your post totally made me giggle. :D

  15. Cream cheese frosting is soooo good. I don’t normally like frosting but if it’s cream cheese? Oh my gosh. I also eat actual cream cheese on too many things. Most people eat their Belgian waffles with butter and syrup. Me? I don’t like syrup so I just smear some cream cheese on my waffles and yum. Too bad that stuff isn’t healthy. That would rock.

    Sucks that you have such uptight in-laws. My boyfriend’s mom is pretty cool. She doesn’t cuss so I do watch my language in front of her but that’s more out of respect. When I slip and let a “shit” or “fuck” go in front of her, she just giggles at me instead of making a big ol’ deal out of it.

  16. Those who think the grass is greener and move on. I am so with you on that one. I will let them go, but I am not interested in letting them come back.

    As for Cream Cheese flavored Ejaculate. I’ll work on that, it’s either that or chocolate flavored. Hmm, I could start a new line and become richer than everyone….

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