Hearts and Thoughts They Fade, Fade Away

Lest you think my inner slut is all there is to me let me assure you that I do, in fact, have a heart. A big one. I love completely, I love fiercely and I would do anything for my loved ones and friends.

I realized the other night that I have a bit of a crush on K.

Our internet-friendship has been primarily about sex in some way or another in the 4 months we’ve been talking. Whether it’s factually or sensually, sex is the main topic. He knows every little detail of what I like in bed, and he has created fantasies that I wouldn’t have given much thought to in the past. He eggs on my naughtiness, he gives me “dares” to do/say to a guy. He gives me advice. We talk about boring non-sex stuff sometimes, as well. We only talk when he’s at work, save for the occasional morning he’s horny and needs some extra stimulation from me to help him along. I know a few things about his job, and his life outside of work. I know he has a girlfriend he lives with and that he’s pretty serious about her. He, actually, knows tons more about me than I know about him.

And yet I still developed a crush. I noticed myself getting moody with him recently. Feeling disappointed when he’s not in the mood to talk. I started thinking stupid unfounded things like he “replaced” me or he’s no longer interested in talking to me. And feeling a little crushed whenever he tactfully avoids an answer whenever I say something in the vein of “I want to meet you”. Despite how great we probably would be together in bed, we’ll never meet unless something happens and he’s single. Which I don’t wish for. He’s been possibly unfaithful in the past with girlfriends he didn’t care so much for, but it appears he’s found a keeper and doesn’t want to jeopardize that. But knowing I can’t have him has made him a little more desirable. There is a strange fascination/turn-on with “taking” something that isn’t mine, that I shouldn’t have. It’s led me to some morally questionable situations in the past. To hear “I want you so bad, but I just can’t” is kinda like fuel to my fire. Frequently I get what I want. With K, I don’t.

I confessed my little crush to him, to explain why I have been weird with him lately. “Aww, I’m sorry” wasn’t quite the response I….wanted? But what I expected. He thanked me for my honesty. It’s a crush, just a crush, I’ll get over it. I’ll work through it. I’m not sure HOW, but I will. I may have to back off talking to him for a little while, except that that might risk the friendship. It’s not a friendship I want to lose; after all, I owe him a lot. He has gotten me to go deeper down the rabbit hole of my sexuality. And he’s gotten me to explore my submissive/bottom side much moreso than anyone else ever has. I have him to thank for my deep craving of rough, hard, bottoming-out/submissive sex.

And he’s been a good friend.

I need to be more careful in the future. But it’s just a little crush. It will fade away.