Mar 082012

I used to believe wholeheartedly that online relationships – relationships of all varieties including platonic – were not only feasible but wonderful. I used to believe that one could get to know a person on a deeper level through online chats and emails; sometimes things are easier said when we’re staring at a computer screen and not fearing the judgement in the eyes of the other.

But it’s taken the irrevocable loss of someone I used to write a lot about here to make me realize that nothing is easy online except lying and faking it. In person there are “tells” – a lack of eye contact, the direction a person looks when they answer you, fidgeting, etc. Online? The right sort of confident person could have you believing they’re an alien given enough time. There are two inevitable circumstances that occur when we’re in the midst of a happy online relationship:

~We see/hear/read nuances and meanings as we want them to be rather than the reality

~We project meanings and truths and facts as we want them to be rather than the reality

It’s taken time, time away and a lot of anger and hurt for me to finally look back on old conversations I had with him and finally see the absolute unvarnished truths: I was creating a sort of alternate reality to suit what I wanted. And in many ways, so did he. So many times he would feign innocence and ignorance, claiming to not know how I felt led on and lied to. And the more I learn about him in the real world the more I lose the veil that was once clouding my vision. And no, in fact, he’s nothing like my father (a comparison I hold in high esteem as I thought, and still think, that the sun rose and set with my late father) and he’s often times little else other than bluster and pomp, smoke and mirrors. I will give him credit where it is due; he was great at selling an idea and himself, he was great at spinning realities into something a little more golden. Is it possible that a lot more truth existed than I’m giving credit for? Is it possible that he really did change too much in the last year and that it has nothing to do with me or what there was 3 years ago? I don’t know because even thinking that it’s possible feels like making excuses and glossy edges.

So now I’m skeptical, I’m jaded and I’m yes….still angry. I’m unable to connect with anyone online the way I once could. I now presume that half of what they all say is a version of the truth (at best) or a complete fabrication.

And I’m trying my best to hate him as often as possible because it’s easier to manage and swallow than the hurt, abandonment and stupidity I feel otherwise. I feel loss, but really was there anything even there to lose? I mourn that I have no best friend but really was he even worthy of the simple friend title, let alone “best”? I have completely cut ties with anything BDSM because for me it all winds up back to him and I can’t seem to have or want one without the other. And so I just…..exist. Stagnant. Unable to write, unable to trust. And the irony is that I looked forward to this day, where I lived close enough to him to have an in-person relationship and it ended up ruining everything. Or so it seems.


I was true as the sky is blue
I couldn’t soon say the same for you
So now I find denial in my eyes
I’m mesmerized by the picture that’s in my mind

Tell me when I’ll finally see your shallow heart
For what it is
Cause I don’t want to keep on believing in illusions

I’ve seen your act
And I know all the facts
I’m still in love with who I wish you were
It ain’t hard to see
Who you are underneath
I’m still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here

~ Kate Voegele “Wish You Were Here”

Jan 022012

A new year. An old one gone. Regrets. New promises. Who the hell knows what’ll happen. At least I know the world won’t end; apparently this isn’t the first time the Mayan Calendar reached the end of its cycle – it’s the 13th. It’s just that there wasn’t Internet on the 12th ending to spread the word of impending doom and chaos and oh-noes-we’re-gonna-burn-up-in-a-fiery-sun-ball.

2011….I left the state I’d been in all my life. I left a job I really disliked. My hubs is now the bacon-bringer with me pulling in the occasional bagel. Some have said that me not having a proper job is bad for me, the lacking of a schedule/routine and all that. We moved into a house when we moved and we thought it would be grand. Except…we’re renting. Normally not a huge deal. Except the property is shared with others who rent commercial-type garage bays and they are not at all what was expected when we signed the lease. They’re here too much, too close, too loud, too irritating. The house is drafty, as old houses are. My long-held dreams of hardwood floors have been shattered as I realize that cat fur and wood floors requires more vacuuming more often than my back can tolerate! I’ve also discovered that I am a shitty housewife and would make an even shittier stay at home mom. Or a mom at all for that matter. But yet I’m starting to feel the mid-life crisis of “Will anybody give a shit about us when we’re gone?” because without children to care about your photos and your antiques and your crap, who else will? Sometimes I think of making photo albums in grand ways but then realize….it’ll be for me, sure, but then who? Nobody. I’m currently aimless and without purpose. No mark to leave on the world in 40 years.

2011 has shown me changes in my social life. Namely, I don’t have much of one and I miss some people. Ah well. I’ve disappointed myself a lot in 2011. I got off the “diet”, first with a bad injury and then the move. 2011 also gave me clarity in a way – the way of loss. The flood at my mother’s where a lot was ruined or lost. I have a dining room table and foyer full of photos and negatives and supplies as I tried to save the packets that got wet….and quickly failed. Now they sit. Mocking me and my failure. But also it’s too hard. Too many ghosts that I can’t deal with. She’s back in her home now just in time for Christmas but merely driving down the long country highway to her house clenches my heart and wells at my eyes. Months later there are still too many signs of the destruction. A shed uprooted and wedged on it’s side in between a tree and another shed. Clothes and debris in tree branches. Bare foundations. But then I see the news and I see what a mid-west tornado looks like and how those people have nothing left. Or a fire. And I can’t even fathom dealing with that. Seeing my mom’s new house ruined and torn back to its studs and a mountain of tangible memories or just old shoes in a garbage pile in the driveway was bad enough. Heartbreaking enough.

2012. Moving on. I’m going to try to get some balance back in my body. For Christmas I got a sunlight-replacement lamp and a FitBit. I’m doing my best to beat this insomnia without the use of benzo’s but it’s slow going. I’ve got my sites on new, clean tracks: Wanton Wednesday posts are scheduled up for a couple months; e[lust] and the new schedule are up and running, the photo submissions idea is working quite nicely and I finally implemented SEO crap on the site that I should have done ages ago but didn’t –  so traffic is increasing slowly thanks to that. I finally updated my blogroll here, spruced up the contact methods to attempt to eliminate some of the headaches of emails I don’t want, I optimized the site so that it might load a little faster and hope to find a new direction for posting.

 Alrighty. Time to stop procrastinating today. Time to clean and reorganize my big desk and the office room in general, so that I can find sex toys when I need them or just so that they aren’t haphazardly laying around like they are now. Hopefully the oil man comes shortly, because I’m cold and we’re nearly bone-dry. Time to go cook my first turkey just for the hell of it.

 Posted by at 12:32 pm
Dec 012011

Ah, the holidays. I don’t know about you, but for me and the hubs it means lots of driving combined with sleeping in strange beds all wrapped up in being around 4 germ-infested children.

This year’s Thanksgiving was a little more hectic than usual as we visited his family in Long Island for the first time (surprisingly it was the drive there that caused yelling, panic, getting lost, and stress – leaving LI on Black Friday morning was actually easy). I’ve been battling insomnia for quite some time now; usually my fibromyalgia puts me through long cycles (not unlike bi-polar disorder) where for months I’m passed out by 10pm without help followed by months of me stumping doctors as drug after drug fails me.

I was taking one of the benzo’s, Klonopin, which if you read about it on Wikipedia starts to sound downright scary for longterm use. Couple with the fact that I was immune and to the point where 4mg was barely affecting me. For reference: most people are started at .25mg. Many doctors don’t want to prescribe anything higher than 1mg. I wrangled 2mg pills yet quickly needed 4mgs. It was then that I gave up and started to slowly wean myself off it.

Except….what NOW? Over the years I’ve been on:

Ambien (crazy ass dreams)
Lunesta (didn’t work, plus crazy dreams when I would sleep)
Elavil (worked for awhile, til it didn’t)
Trazedone (worked until I required such high doses that I would be hungover til noon)
Various herbal teas
Melatonin (works, then it doesn’t, then it does)
Advil PM
Flexeril (nope)
Soma (nope)
Zanaflex (nope)

I’m sick of being reliant on drugs. I am. I’m thankful right now that I don’t work because I’d be a mess. No sleep = fibro flare ups. Next up on the River of Dreams is a cocktail of supplements. Namely, I’m going to increase the melatonin and get a timed-release version. Adding in timed-release 5-HTP. And a combo pill (which I’ll be lucky if I can swallow) of Calcium and Magnesium.

You’re wondering where the stupidity and Thanksgiving work into all of this.

I’ve been trying to sleep at night without taking Klonopin. I’ll take it if I’ve been up more than 1.5 hours after taking the melatonin and Advil PM. Despite my exhaustion, this was of course the case Thanksgiving night at his family’s house. I had to sleep….we had a 4.5 hour drive the next morning to see my family. Plus I was having a flare-up and/or coming down with something. Because he was tossing and turning I thought he wasn’t sleeping, either. I asked him something. Then I asked him “Where is your Klonopin?” because I couldn’t find my bottle. He had told me earlier he didn’t bring much spare Klonnie, and in his sleepy stupor he thought I asked “Did you take your Klonopin?” He answered ” ‘course”. I heard “purse”. When we travel he sometimes keeps his meds in my purse. Except now that he takes Klonnie only at night, that’s no longer the case.

Anyways. I go to my purse. Yup there’s a prescription bottle. Take 2 (he had 1mg pills, I have 2mg). Go to my bottle of Coke Zero. Throw the pills in my mouth. For a second I experience a bitter taste and swig in a mouthful of Coke and pause before swallowing….wait..why are they bitter? Maybe I should turn on a light and check the bottle before swallowing….nah. its fine.

Yeah, it wasn’t Klonopin. Instead, I took 20mg of Ritalin. Why I even bothered to fucking look after the fact is beyond me. I likely would have slept if I hadn’t jacked up my adrenaline from fear and panic. I’m ADD, so stimulants don’t wake me up. In fact, too much puts me to sleep. However I haven’t taken Ritalin in well over a year and a half. I’m currently taking Nuvigil during the day and while it should be gone after 12 hours I know that there’s a half-life and some was still in my system. I panicked on how it would interact with the Nuvigil from the morning and the Nuvigil I’d take the next morning. Would I die? Would I be sick? So I did the only thing I could think of. I went to the bathroom and forced myself to throw up – something I’ve never done before. Where’s the fucking uber-sensitive gag reflex when you NEED it?!?! The process was difficult. And painful. And I have no idea how much of it I got out of my system. And I was sick for days as a result.

I will NEVER fucking do that again.

Oh, The Bloggess? She mentioned this NeuroSleep drink that helps her sleep and Neuro Drink was sponsoring the post. Jenny has RA and insomnia as well so if it works for her, I feel like it could work for me. Thanks to her I’m trying it out soon and I have fingers crossed. Of course I also have ordered those supplements too (which, I know, don’t take those plus the Neurosleep, I’ll be in a coma for 3 days) because frankly if the NeuroSleep works it would be a great item to take with me when we do the family visits for Christmas. Very portable. But I only found out about all these supplements because I was researching NeuroSleep. So unless I’m a unicorn and this all fucking fails spectacularly, The Bloggess saved me.

 Posted by at 4:23 pm
Nov 232011

I wonder how many people have the cohones to truthfully respond to this question?

I will allow you to be anonymous and won’t spill the beans if I know who you are, I promise ;)

My confession:

A bedpost. Oh I know what you’re thinking. Like this, right? No no. no. The one in question was more like this. Yes it was long, and I yanked it off the bed. Yes I was desperate for anything that had a chance at helping me orgasm since I had nothing that could vibrate.

Why was it dumb?

1. Because it was probably dusted at some point using a chemical spray, like Pledge.

2. The accidental ramming of my cervix resulted in an hour or two of moderate cramping and spotting later on.

Nov 192011

There will always be people who don’t like you or something you’re doing. After all, you can’t please everyone all the time. And because I am me – emotional, headstrong, attached, fucked up – I tend to hear frequently “Don’t take things so personally”. I can try but ultimately I fail at that often.

Recently on Twitter Kit O’Connell shared his find of a WordPress plugin called Broken Link Checker and he mentioned that having a lot of broken links looks bad to Google. I paused for one moment when he mentioned that most of the links he was removing belonged to e[lust] and pleasurists but I quickly realized he was correct – there is absolutely no reason or need to continue to link to a blog that is gone or a post that is gone. It is gone! Logic prevails. And so I installed the plugin on both sites. When going through the broken links on e[lust] I would check things out if it came from a site that I knew was still up and running. A couple people have chosen to delete some old posts for various reasons; if they had moved the post I would have updated the link. I found some people who had deleted all their old stuff and with the deleted e[lust] submissions they also deleted the e[lust] digests. I’m sure that these people are not the only ones who have deleted old digests but they’re the ones I was alerted to for alternate reasons. One person continues his site and so I asked him why he removed the old editions from his site – yes, I took some offense to his action and his response. He said that he didn’t like e[lust] or any “aggregator” since Sugasm. I wrinkled my brow in confusion. Then he said (I am paraphrasing here or creating complete sentences) that they are repetitive and muck up blogs and feeds and are self promotional as opposed to curated, reviewed or filtered content.

Again I am confused but realize he can have his opinion and my words will never change his opinion – nor will his further explanation of his opinion change the fact that I think he is quite wrong. So I do not respond. I am offended in part because he said unkind things about the project I work the hardest on that benefits more of you than it ever will me and also in part because I chose to make guideline changes so that it was anything BUT an “aggregation” site and actually yes the content IS reviewed and filtered. By its very definition e[lust] is not an aggregation site. I summed up this change in the recent post on e[lust] about the upcoming changes for the new year:

I hope that my change this past year in what type of post/site is included in the digest has helped you all feel even better about participating and sharing the digest with your readers – unlike Sugasm I strive to include only real, genuine content from genuine bloggers as opposed to content from aggregation sites or highly commercialized “blogs”. While you may not see what goes on behind the scenes I do end up turning away a submission because it does not fit in with the new rules. I don’t want to promote those sort of sites anymore than you do. What I want, what I think we all want, is respectable method of putting our best foots forward and gaining new readers to our blogs while also finding new friends and promoting each other.

Newer bloggers are not familiar with Sugasm. The few veterans left that will read this surely remember. I don’t know about you but there were often times sites/posts that I did not want to be linking to. One could get around this because Sugasm only required participants to publish the Top 3 & Editors Picks on their blogs. And many people did just that, myself included. Did that mean a lot less cross-promotion of fellow bloggers who did not land in the Top 3? Yes, unfortunately. But it also allowed me to not publish those links I didn’t always want to promote. The ones to sites that actually were by definition an aggregation site; commercial sites filled to the brim with ads and pop-ups; posts that contained no real content, just links to services or items that they were selling. It was most definitely self-promotion at its “finest”. A number of the sites were high-traffic commercial sites and I still to this day get referral hits from them….perhaps that is the reason he preferred Sugasm; not for snobbery but greed? Sure we all could get more traffic if I allowed those sites to participate but I learned something back when I used to get included in Fleshbot: there is relevant traffic and there is useless traffic. Relevant traffic from other bloggers means you are getting someone to your site who is already interested in your type of site. The high traffic numbers from the commercial porn-type sites are people looking for fap material, who will never comment or participate or likely become a regular reader of your words. While I modeled much of e[lust] after Sugasm, I also changed a lot. Those changes were my effort to regulate via rules. Occasionally something fishy would still get in and so I took the bad guy role and now filter the content, disallowing submissions from sites that might at first look ok but contain sex-negative writing or are barely-disguised SEO blogs. The only thing that I don’t do is filter by talent. Are there some submissions that are…..well, not going to win any awards? Yes. But at the least it is all bloggers…..just like those who make derisive comments about e[lust]. But there are always going to be self-centered people in this for themselves once they find a way to start making some money off of their site and I feel offended not just personally but on behalf of everyone who does participate. Taking it personally on behalf of everyone is why I am so hard on the people who don’t re-publish – they’re not just hurting me, they are hurting everyone who participated who published the edition and are linking to them but they won’t do the same. It is why I go so far as to remove people from editions when they eventually refuse to publish. 

But anyways.

The jerks and pompous douchebags are far outnumbered by the great folks of the community who participate in and help with e[lust]. And as I said in my post at e[lust] I welcome suggestions for change. The schedule change was inspired by a suggestion from Molly Rene about basing the schedule around a date, something more steady and concrete. Thank you Molly, you might just have saved e[lust].

I hope that the changes I’ve made are all for the better. And for those of you who participate faithfully in Wanton Wednesday, Sinful Sunday or HNT – if you ever see a photo that should be highlighted by e[lust], let the blogger know that I’m now taking self-submissions for consideration. It doesn’t mean that there will be a publishing of all the photos I am linked to….it means that I will cull the submissions to find something really great. I don’t want my own lack of time to prevent this feature/aspect of e[lust] that I liked.

Nov 092011

I’ve not been around much lately. First, we were planning a weekend away which was cut short due to the winter storm that knocked out power for most of Connecticut. Then I had no power for days and froze my ass off and generally was miserable. THEN I had to go out of state to stay with my mother (actually, my great-aunt, where she’s staying, because her house isn’t rebuilt quite yet) and take care of her after a foot surgery. I knew she’d be a pain because she’s never been a good patient – is stubborn, wants to do for herself, even if it means she’s disobeying doctor’s orders. I thought I’d be able to go to a family member or two’s house every day for a few hours to get internet access…..but I wasn’t. That only happened twice in the 7 days I was there ( and I wasn’t supposed to be there 7 days, either). You know what happens a lot more when I’m away and without internet (as I have been at least 4 times for extended periods since late August)?

  • People complain that I’m late with something, like this all is my whole entire life and not a side hobby
  • I get more requests for invites to ToySwap when I’m gone. Coincidence I’m sure but still weird; and it’s difficult/impossible for me to invite when I have only my phone as “internet” so they have to wait for me.
  • I get advertising queries that I can’t respond to right away and then when I do they never get back to me again
  • My site goes down
  • Drama happens (oh wait…that’s every week)
  • Sex toys come in the mail and I can’t open them up and try them out immediately (hello, WeVibe 3)

At the last minute mom changed her mind about when I was heading home and suddenly I’m finding myself not coming home Monday, but late Wednesday. By the time we were done running errands Monday and Tuesday I was so exhausted I was literally falling asleep at the dinner table. Guess what wasn’t on my mind? Wanton Wednesday. But I wake up Wednesday morning with a few genuinely concerned people, some others who just like to harass me when I’m late on WW due to REAL LIFE and others still who don’t even follow me but are whining that the post isn’t up. Am I griping about every person who tweeted about it? No. Not everyone. But seriously I’m never more popular on Twitter than when people are whining that I’m late with something. It’s never the good stuff, lol.

I was already on a thin string and that kinda all set me off. And now I’m home, days later than anticipated, with e[lust] looming in front of me lest I get more irritated tweets wondering where that is (like I’m some kinda business and my services they paid for are down……).

Do times like this make me want to just pack it all in?

Yup. They do.

I’ve considered ending Wanton Wednesday. Others have volunteered to take over hosting it, but I’m on the fence about that. Perhaps my Wanton Wednesday has had it’s time and now it is time for someone else to come up with their own version. Of course there already is SinfulSunday and Wank Wednesday, so it’s not like the community is lacking for anything.

I keep bouncing around on ending e[lust]. Sugasm was way more erratic in the last 8-10 months that it was active, yet I cut back to a monthly digest instead of every 2 weeks, and take a month off sometimes due to holidays and suddenly there are people complaining that I’m unreliable with e[lust]. Really? You try running it tip to bottom just one time. See how easy it is. I’m now finding that a lot of the people who used to submit consider themselves “too” something to participate anymore: intellectual, serious, famous. Some just don’t post much anymore. Is sex blogging dying out? Sugasm had more entries in it their last 2 years because they allowed anything to be submitted; commercial sites, photos, reviews, etc. I’m not sure how the sex blogging community sees e[lust] anymore and if there’s a reason for me to continue it.

These past few weeks have bounced back and forth between comedy and tragedy, both in the greek sense and the literal. I’m about at the end of my rope. I’m also tossing around the idea of whether or not to keep blogging. I don’t think I have much to say anymore and I’m certainly nothing like I was the first year; me, my posts, my photos….nothing is the same. I’m pretty unsexy lately! There is nothing dangerous anymore.

 Posted by at 9:53 pm