Feb 152015

packingupEverybody told me, “Buying a house is really stressful” but like the other awful club I’m part of, there’s the First-Time-Buying-a-House Club and you can’t be in it til you’re in it and other people can sympathize but they won’t understand. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND. NOW I DO. I’ve employed a few options for stress relief in the last month, and will continue to use those options liberally over the next 30 days. I’ve had more chest-pain-inducing panic attacks in the last couple weeks than my entire life. While things are not going horribly (our credit is shockingly good), there are the normal bumps; but I’m prone to expecting the worst lately. I’ve had two or so straight years of being disappointed in various life things, planning and expecting only to have hopes crushed at the last minute. From simple things like a day trip sightseeing to missing out on a concert (and the money spent on tickets) due to a root canal the same day. I keep expecting this to all blow up spectacularly in our faces.

But yet, I’m packing as best as I can1, because even though I’m glass-half-empty, the hope can’t be crushed.

For the first time in our lives, we’ll have a place that’s really our own. If want to add on, if we want to knock down a wall, or build something or paint something? Totally can do it. It’s both extremely exciting and very overwhelming. There’s a lot we’re going to need; curtains and kitchen cabinet organizers and bathroom storage and a shed and and and….etc.  I’m getting lost in Pinterest, falling in love with design and DIY ideas that are probably beyond our limited capabilities.

The brand new stove and dishwasher are still covered in their blue sticky protective stuff, which was a let down because I could really have gotten behind blue metallic appliances. To compensate, I’ll use blue elsewhere in the kitchen – I’m torn between the color of Le Creuset Marseille and Caribbean. Not that I can afford Le Creuset, beyond a salt or butter crock. No matter, I guess, we’ll be living damn frugal for at least the next year or three I suspect. I’m going to have to learn how to repurpose and reimagine cheap things I can find in yard sales to create an office for myself. I’ll have a good-sized closet in my tiny office room and I’ll be able to use at least half of it for sex toys. I’ve been contemplating this rotating dildo organizer, and this over-the-top chest of drawers. I’ll finally be able to construct a storage and organization option to suit my needs. A desk that is more functional yet resistant to clutter (that one may be a miracle) is my first task.

I wanted to give an update, because that last post was made on January 22nd and I really didn’t want to see that post up there front and center anymore. I have some sex toys to review, but I’m mired in packing and stress. I’m hoping to get a few out in the next couple weeks. I REALLY want to tell you about the new Jimmyjane Hello Touch X and show you the Rockbox Finger vibe.

Responses to emails and chats may be delayed; presence on social media might be slim. So please have patience. And buy through my affiliate links2! Because we’re going to be really, really broke for quite awhile….

  1. which isn’t really very well at all, I suck at this
  2. conveniently all located at the top of my sidebar
 Posted by at 2:37 pm
Jan 222015

Note that says: "You're never alone, okay? Someone somewhere cares about you and wants you to be alright. Even if it's just a random person you met on the internet. You are loved. Don't forget that."I need to preface this post. You won’t learn anything from this. I have no answers, no treatment plan, no quest. I have uncertainties and questions.  It isn’t an eloquent post. If you need a visual, I am huddled under a hoodie unable to make eye contact, I’m fidgety and exhausted. I’m skimming in some parts because I don’t have enough introspection to be able to elaborate. This is raw and uncomfortable and it’s not a pretty post. Like I told Reenie when I got her opinion on this post, this is a glimpse of me in therapy (and a clue as to why I don’t DO therapy). I’m all over the place, I skip details, yet I repeat. I’m saying all of this the best I can. This isn’t for fame or notoriety, because let’s face it, I’d like to think I normally write better than this. But if I take the time to polish it, it will never get published. Take it or leave it. 

For the last year or 18 months, I’ve mentally been on a downward, slow spiral. Stress and unknown other factors have made me subtly feel less awesome. It’s been so subtle that I’ve only recently thought “hmmm, maybe this is depression?”.  I want to write about this because it’s high time. My friend JoEllen has been writing about it for awhile now; plus there’s Crista’s world-famous OrgasmQuest. My angle is a bit different though. 

 The Vibrators

Despite the fact that it’s my job to use sex toys, I feel some internal guilt about having an orgasm by myself when it’s not “for work”, since I’m getting off by myself and not bringing my husband into it for something that could benefit us both. Even though intellectually I know that masturbation is healthy and there are tons of reasons that partners in very healthy relationships with great sex lives would masturbate. I know this. I still feel guilty sometimes though. Yet my orgasms, the ones from masturbation, aren’t really for pleasure. I don’t take my time and luxuriate in sensual self-play; there are no candles, no erotica, etc. Everything’s usually done in 10 minutes or less and often my pants don’t even come off. Most of the time I’m using my Tango (lately the L’amourose Rosa Rouge is helpful if a climax is being particularly stubborn) and I flip over to Tumblr for some audio and visual stimulation, enough to help with an orgasm. And then I’m done. Close out Tumblr, no more porn, no residual sexy feelings or thoughts; it’s like flipping a switch on and off. When I start masturbating through to finish, I’m not aroused. I’m not horny. So why the fuck am I masturbating, you might ask?

 For something to do. To maybe help myself sleep. To relieve some anxiety. To maybe not feel melancholy for a little while. Maybe it’ll wake me up. The reasons are varied but 99% of the time my libido is not in the deck of cards that contains my reasons. Sometimes an orgasm is not much different than brushing my teeth, as an activity.  It feels good but it’s not really registering, there’s a brain-body disconnect. 

The Sex

I’ll be honest, most of the time lately I have no sex drive. Luckily (an ironic sort of luck) my husband was going through his own lack of sex drive and issues, so while we both still love each other deeply the lack of sex bothered us only on a more cerebral level. A “shouldn’t we be bothered by this?” kind of bothered. A “it’s been HOW long??? Wow…that’s bad…we really should have sex this weekend” (and then we wouldn’t) kind of bothered. I think this past year we’ve both felt a bit of a strain due to the physical disconnect, but we both know that it’ll come back and we’re happy together regardless. But for two people who love each other dearly and still find each other attractive….the frequency of the sexing is frighteningly low. I don’t know yet how to fix it. 

The Depression

So I may, or may not, be clinically depressed 1 and I’m not being treated for it, nor am I seeing anyone. I’m not on any medication that is hampering my ability to orgasm, like Crista is dealing with on her #orgasmquest. I’ve had such awful experiences in the past 16 years with mental health drugs that I’m reluctant to go down this path again. The hazing period of newer drugs is intolerable sometimes. So I’m not actively seeking help. But I’m not happy, like overall – I mean, duh, right? And I have these weird “quirks” that I never had when I was younger – primarily, the ability to cry at the drop of a hat. Reading a book/watching a TV show where someone else cries? I cry. Happy cry, sad cry, the tears are just always there right under the surface. I also have a really hard time sticking with something I like – you know the whole typical depression question of “do you find yourself no longer getting pleasure from hobbies you previously enjoyed” thing. It’s, quite frankly, amazing that I’ve kept up with this blog for so long. I have definitely had feelings of “why the fuck am I still doing this” over the last 2 years. I tend to let my insecurities and the need to feel accepted and liked by my peers rule too much over me. When I start feeling like my peers don’t give a flying fuck about me/my writing/reviews, I consider throwing in the towel. But then I get thank you notes from my readers, the people I actually write the reviews for, and my brain returns to normal and I stop being such a pain in the ass. Needing validation is a sign of weakness for me because of past, unhealthy  experiences. 

I don’t know what I’m going to do. The thought of finding a psychiatrist/psychologist that doesn’t annoy the crap out of me feels too daunting. But I think I owe it to my husband to try and get my sex drive back. I’d say I owe it to myself, too, but my brain is like “pffft don’t care” so that thought doesn’t even occur to me. And yes, a tiny part of me feels like a fraud of a “sex blogger” for having no libido and reviewing sex toys. Thank goodness I dropped the whole “sexy” sex blogger thing years ago or I’d be feeling double the pressure. 

I guess all this rambling is to say that there is no normal, we need to talk more about sex & depression and masturbation & depression and depression in general, and I’m just as nutty as the next squirrel. I expected that writing this would be like therapy, but you know what? I feel twitchy. I feel like I’m in a therapy session with the therapist staring me down and after 10 minutes asking a “how do you feeeeeeel about that” question and my only response is “I dunno”. Oh hey….it IS just like therapy. Ha.

So uh……yeah. I think I need that orgasm right about now.


Links to help:  ADAA page on Depression  –  1-800-273-TALK  – NAMI

  1. But I absolutely do have ADD-Inattentive type and fibromyalgia, and I’m not really on anything for either and both of those, left untreated, can cause depression
 Posted by at 10:59 am
May 042014

A lot has happened in my 6 years here, and a lot has happened with me, sexually, over the last ten years. 6 years ago when I started this blog, I considered myself to be moderately kinky. Over the next few years, as a pseudo-relationship worked its course, I considered myself to be highly kinky. You see, when someone I’m very much attracted to is very much into something sexually, their enthusiasm for it rubs off on me and I suddenly see things from a new perspective. I’m not faking it for them, I’m genuinely exploring previously-unknown facets. Not all have worked out for me. Two attempts at being the dominant one in a sexual relationship failed miserably; the second one succeeded only in making me realize that I was more submissive than I assumed. When those two relationships ended, I didn’t have a distaste for being the dominant one, I just knew it wasn’t my thing.

But a few years ago, something happened in my personal life that pretty much completely turned me off of anything kinky. I no longer want to tie up anyone or be tied up. I don’t long for spankings, or being controlled–but I still love having my hair pulled, go figure. In fact, this personal rift was so severe that (husband aside) I went from a 3 on the Kinsey Scale to a 5. It is rare indeed that I find myself attracted to someone who identifies as male these days. My sex life with my husband isn’t faltering for it, in fact we’re personally better than ever – my love for him is very strong, and our sex life is great. But if things were to go back to being open again? I’d only be interested in female-identified or genderqueer people. My porn preferences fall in line with this, too. I quickly scroll past the random hetero-based sexy image in my Tumblr dashboard, rushing to the next all female one. I’m finding that my attraction to cis-men is very rare.

I don’t really want or need to get into the details of what happened in  my personal life to cause such a change in me1, but the change is there and I honestly don’t see it going away anytime soon. The anti-kink in me is strong enough that I don’t want view blogs that are heavy on the kink or D/s. For awhile I pondered if I ever really was kinky, or was I just a poser, a chameleon? But I realized that my inclinations went back much farther and weren’t born from being with certain people–intensified, yes. “If it turns you on, it turns me on” applies a lot to me, in part because I’m (until recent years, I guess) largely open-minded, always (no matter my preferences) sex-positive and very much an empath. But the person who dragged me deeper down that rabbit-hole of kink was such a twisted, sick fuck (in the serious way, not in the “fun” way) that I guess I still view BDSM related things as being in the same mental box as that person, and I really want to light that box on fire. Yes, one person managed to be so heinous that I’m not only ruined for kink but done with cis-men that I’m not married to. Is this highly abnormal?

This feels very much like that time I made grilled chicken marinated in Italian dressing and despite making it many times before, the last time coincided with a stomach flu. I puked up marinated grilled chicken breast all night. Haven’t been able to tolerate chicken + Italian dressing without wanting to sympathy puke in 15 years. I realize the analogy is um, fucked up, but that’s the best I can come up with, lol.  I’ve also realized that since I’m pretty much awful and recognizing when anyone other than cis-men are flirting with me, and seem to lack the ability to know how to flirt with anyone other than cis-men, it’s just gonna be me and the husband from here on out. It’s fine, despite how much I’d like to occasionally date a femme person. Like, a lot. But no really, it’s fine. I’ll just watch. Wait, no, that sounds creepy.

I guess this is just one of those rambling, navel-gazing posts with no reason or purpose, save for me formally and publicly announcing: I’m Not Kinky Anymore. If you are, that’s cool and you do you. But I’ve got a little line in my sandbox and I just can’t cross it. If your blog is mainly kinky, please understand that I might adore you but I won’t be reading your blog and for that, I’m sorry. It’s too much of a trigger.

  1. Those who have been around for a few years and paid attention will remember what happened a few years ago – yes, that’s the “thing”
 Posted by at 11:17 am
Jul 072013

This post has taken me weeks to write, and has seen more drafts than hockey did this week1. Most people write big, sappy posts for a blogaversary as grand as 5 whole years. 5 years! I’m older than internet dirt now! This also happens to be my 800th post2. I can’t say I’m proud of all 800 posts; in fact I’ve changed so much over these 5 years that I’m pretty mortified by many of my earlier posts and reviews.  Sadly, I’m marking off my 5 years with a quickly impending for-the-foreseeable-future-hiatus.  I’ve known for weeks now that my time here was limited, but I kept that to myself. I wanted to finish up the giveaways I planned and the first big fundraising push for Dildology. I wanted to help out with Dildology as much as I could, even though I feel like I didn’t do enough.

Wait, what?

I’m not sure if this is 100% permanent goodbye from blogging, because who knows what’ll happen. This isn’t my final post, because I do have obligations to fulfill and whatnot.  My reasons though for walking away from this world right now are serious and real, but not my story to tell. I’m fine; as is my marriage/husband/family. But there is something happening in my offline world that requires my full attention and for me to be actually offline. I won’t say anything more than that publicly because of …reasons3. I don’t know how long I’m going to be needed.

One thing I do know to be certain is the fact that I won’t be attending CatalystCon or anything like it ever again – I have a lot personal reasons which I don’t need to discuss publicly; financially though it’s just not feasible for me to go. Hopefully in 2 years we’ll be buying a house, and the trip to DC is just way too expensive.  I justified it in the past because the funding for it came 100% from affiliate commissions or advertising dollars. It still would, but every penny needs to go to our future.

I might find that I can still get in a semi-regular post & review per month. I might find that this change in my life is so time-consuming that I let things here die off. I don’t honestly know what will happen in 6, 8, 10 months.

The Future of this Blog and My Projects

The site will stay live because it’s paid for already til the end of next year I believe. Yes, you may link to an old post. Yes, you may quote an excerpt from and link to an old post. Yes, if anything I’ve written inspires you to write more and research more and uncover dirt more, I want to read it so please email me the link!! Have a question about …. anything …. you think I can help with? Seriously, don’t be afraid to email me. I can’t promise I’ll be able to answer that day or even the next, but I will answer. I’m not that scary, I promise. I just have Bitchy Resting Face. I honestly want to see you all succeed at whatever you’re trying to accomplish online. You’ll still see me on Twitter via mobile, and email works of course, so I’m not going to be 100% gone online. I have a bunch of reviews and a few other things scheduled to post; my social media accounts will stay open but I will be disconnecting Twitter from Facebook, so if you only follow me on Facebook you won’t see anything for quite awhile. Oh and Sex Blogger Co-Op + ToySwap will be kept alive, too, if members want it. They largely run themselves anyways. I’ll be finding someone able to take over things like member invitation and whatnot until I decide what to do on a more permanent basis (probably Epiphora and maybe someone else?).


Due to my offline commitments I will be stepping down as Marketing Director of Dildology in an official capacity. I’ll continue to support them via this blog, of course, but otherwise my ability to contribute will be virtually nonexistent, and that’s not fair to anyone. Their mission is so very much needed in the industry; I look forward to the changes that will happen, for the better, because of Dildology. Dildology is the creation of Crista and Val, and they are always willing to answer questions, explain things and so on. Should you ever need anything or have any questions in regards to Dildology, make sure you contact them via Dildology on Facebook, Twitter, or email. While I wish that I had been able to contribute more than just the fundraiser event, I have faith that the posts from the blog carnival will live on to continue to educate others who browse your blogs and learn a few things about toxic toys.


In 5 years I’ve made a lot of really great friends, met a few fakes/sociopaths I can do without, pissed off a lot of people, had so much fun, and made one of the top 5 biggest mistakes of my life. But I learned a few very important lessons from that mistake, so I’ll focus on that aspect instead of the ugly person. I’ve made some great, life-changing decisions because of this site. I’ve learned a lot from the community and I feel I’m a better person for being here these last 5 years. To the friends I only got to hang out with at the spring conference, I will truly miss your faces. Those who live within a few hours of me, I hope to see again – If you’re ever in Connecticut, please let me know! To my friends & mentors in the industry…Metis and Jenna of Tantus, Pam, Sandra of Shevibe, Laura from The Toolshed, Shelley of Crystal Delights….your patience with my brain and my inquisitive nature meant so much to me, and you all taught me so much and supported me so much. You believed in me, you didn’t blow me off or pat me on my head.


Watch this space for upcoming reviews on Tantus products, a Tenga Iroha vibe, the Jopen Envy line, the Minna Ola, the Split Dildo and of course I have a couple of posts scheduled that are things other than reviews.

OH WAIT. I think I forgot something….

The winners! I made the winners of weeks 3, 4 and 5 wait until now to be announced.  The winner of the Lelo Mona 2 is ALICE. Her review suggestion reminded me of an unfinished one and her question about shower curtains and VOCs happens to be right in line with what I’m looking in to next. The winner of the We-Vibe Salsa + Tantus O2 Flury is OLIVE. If I’d had the ability, I would have chosen more winners, a few others were top contenders. It’s so hard to choose just one!! And finally, the winner of the Fucking Sculptures dildo is EMMA. Again, this was fucking hard to choose a fucking winner. Ha.

  1. I’m sorry that was a really bad attempt at sports humor and I probably failed. I won’t do it again
  2. why yes, yes I DID plan that as soon as I noticed it was feasible
  3. Stalker Hint: Hidemyass doesn’t work
 Posted by at 9:32 am
Mar 202013

This is a viewpoint of Catalyst from a person with serious social anxiety issues which sometimes manifest into mild agoraphobia. Add on top of my social awkwardness a “neutral face” that makes me look forever pissed off + food allergy issues turning me into a manic panicked individual minus the cool hair color….and yeah. I got through this as best as I could, albeit I wasn’t at my best this year. It bothers me, it has made me feel like shit about myself, and compounded my self-doubts. I tried. I failed a lot. I fucked up. Hopefully next time is better?

I’ve been trying all week to put my finger on what went wrong for me at CatalystCon this weekend. I’m not saying it was bad. It just wasn’t exceedingly awesome for me, as awesome as Momentum had been the two years prior. I think it was me. I mean sure, there were issues, we don’t like in utopia. The restaurant, while being extremely willing to make me a safe meal, was still having the same major issues as last year: a 30-45 minute wait on your food. When the weekend is so jam-packed, that’s a big problem. I didn’t eat there much, and in fact snarfed down a sandwich alone in my room every day. There are the catacombs of Crystal City, under the hotel, but the fact is that they’re large, confusing and not at all accessible to someone who can’t do steps – or someone with a baby stroller (forget if you are in a scooter or wheelchair).

I wanted to attend Dirty Bingo, since it seemed to be the thing to do and I enjoyed it last year, but when we got there it was about 90 degrees in the room and jam packed. At least 3 times as many people as last year. I was NOT dealing well with overcrowded spaces this past weekend, which happened a lot. A “Sexy Soiree” party after dinner Saturday was the same – crowded, loud and too warm. I ran away fast.

Lest I sound like I took nothing away from the weekend, I want to sing the praises loudly of the session I’d waited for since CatalystWest had announced it last fall, Toxic Toys of course. This session alone made it worth my while and that session has lit a fire under me like nothing else. And even though I felt kinda invisible the whole weekend, I was still appreciate of the wonderful people that exist in this bubble of the world.

I decided to hang out this time and put that over sessions. There were sessions I had wanted to attend, but I only went to Toxic Toys. I tried a few others, which were popular and/or the room was way too warm (the panel that the Swingset crew did I saw about 1.5 minutes of before I had to either exit the room or pass out). 

Highlights included a truly lovely dinner with Tantus and fellow Tantus reviewers; hanging out with my beloved Crista and her wonderful boys; having my brain filled with geeky facts from Lorax of Sexand SexualScientist; chatting with MarvyDarling/Sarah – she is tiny and energetic and freakin cute, she is wonderful; I got to hang out with Sandra from SheVibe, and her crew, and I love her so hard; ohgodtoxictoys talk about my ultimate thing right there; Metis introducing me to Tom of Sportsheets who really wanted me to see a rusty metal ben-wa ball (and that’s going to be a post, oh boy, will that be a post); all of the time I got to spend with Jenna of Tantus, and just general awesome conversations with friends. I wish I’d had more, though. I had hugs from some of my favorite people (good lord Tim can give hugs like nobody’s business, I heart that man) and just talked about sex toys so very much. This was wonderful. 

I think Catalyst outgrew that hotel. Which is a good thing, on so many levels. But it became so difficult to find people, to move, to talk. And that all led to me becoming more introverted than I wanted to be. I couldn’t handle it. I was so overwhelmed, that by Sunday’s (fucking awesome) closing keynote with Carol Queen and her husband Robert Morgan Lawrence, when Robert said that the whole room was filled with sex educators, that we were all educators my first thought was “Can I put that on my business card?” but instead I tweeted and wondered if he really meant us all, if me with just this blog could use that term too, I couldn’t stand up and ask the question. Lorax did it for me when I shied away. I simply did not have the ability to speak up and stand up and have everyone look at me, in case I would say it wrong or dumb. My social agoraphobia was just in full swing by then. After the closing keynote was over, I wished I had had the ability to go up and say something to Robert and Carol, but I did not. I retreated and shrunk. *sigh*

The dynamic of this year compared to previous years for me was SO different that it has a small part of me questioning if I’ll attend next year, if there is another CatalystEast. I have an idea for something that might make Saturday evening more my style, but I have a feeling that it isn’t something that can be pulled off by me.  I would like to take the ideas that have been done this year and past years for a “party” gathering, where food is served, but those were held in rooms that are on the hotel room floors called Presidential/Executive suites – they are small, and end up being so crowded that you can’t hardly move and so loud you can’t really hear. And hot. And overwhelming to people like me. So my idea then is to have something on Saturday evening for a few hours, extremely casual. Pizza. Utilize one of the meeting rooms like the sessions were in. I’m thinking a few hour event for sex bloggers of all types, hosted by the Sex Blogger Co-Op, sponsored by a lovely store/retailer, where the bloggers can all talk to each other about bloggery things and sex toys, and the sex toy manufacturers that are in attendance can talk to us casually and we can talk to them and it’s all just….casual. Networking, sort of, but mostly just being able to hang out with and geek out with our crowd. Perhaps a trivia game thrown in with some prizes of sex toys. I think there were a number of sex bloggers there that I never even got to meet this time. Anyways, since this idea of mine isn’t as big as the other things that go on, like readings and Cinekink and bingo, I doubt I would be able to make it happen the way I envision.

Am I wrong in assuming that many of the bloggers who are bloggers like me are social “misfits” like me? Not everyone, of course, but many? Or am I really just that much of a special snowflake? ;)

Oh, and to update those who were wondering: I had planned on doing the big silicone lube vs silicone sex toys testing at Catalyst. But when Jenna and Lorax and I started talking about it and doing it, especially after hearing about the bio-cumulative effects of cadmium, we wondered if perhaps there could also be a cumulative effect of the silicone lube. Like that maybe a few minutes wouldn’t do much, and maybe 24 hours wouldn’t do much, but what about doing it all over time, again and again? So IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE I plan to hack up various brands of silicone and start performing even more in-depth tests. The results won’t be done for a few weeks. But it will happen!!

ToolShedtoys.comAnd finally I’d like to send a really huge thank you to Laura and The Tool Shed, my latest site sponsor who heard my last minute “Oh shit, life fucked me over and my funds for Catalyst are dangerously low” moans, and their banner resides over there in the sidebar. I was so sad that Laura was too sick to attend this year herself, because in addition to running a freakin awesome sex toy shop in Milwaukee, she is an awesome lady all around. The Tool Shed is super sex-positive and is a member of the Progressive Pleasure Club. Anything that The Tool Shed carries is a safe item.

Mar 022013

I wouldn’t quite say that I have Obsessive-Compulsive Planning Disorder but it’s close. I got it from my mother, who also passed on her compulsive over-packing syndrome. Toss in a case of Chronic List Making, and you would think that I have a complete inability to be spontaneous. That’s not exactly true; if I know that *something* is going to be happening, then yes I need to have an exact plan for it. If you text me and say “OMG let’s go to ____ right now!!” if it’s within my doing, I shall be doing.

Let’s take last year’s MomentumCon. I took the train down, then had to catch a subway, then locate the hotel. But I’d never been to the train station here, and of course I was worried about locating the subway and navigating it. So I did research. I drove to the train station two days before my trip as a dry run, to ensure that I didn’t miss the turn and end up getting lost and missing my train. I used Google Maps street view and satellite to figure out how to get from the train station to the subway. I printed out subway time tables. Yet still I was a nervous wreck at all junctures. It’s just how I am.  This year I’ve decided to drive down, since it will (hopefully) mean 3 less hours of travel time, but now I’m all anxious over being able to find the turn-in for hotel parking on the first try, and anxious about the whole parking situation. If I leave for dinner, does that negate the daily parking rate?

Packing? Oy with the lists already. But in my defense…when I don’t make these lists days/weeks in advance? I forget lots of shit. Just this past week I visited my mom and I didn’t make a list. I forgot my back-up sleep medication, miscalculated what to wear by an entire day’s outfit, and forgot at least 4 other things. My brain just doesn’t work very well on these things. So I make my lists days and, for more important trips where forgetting something could be monumental, even weeks in advance. I leave them up on my computer and every so often I will think of something else.

Last year’s trip was made a little bit easier because I was rooming with Crista and knew that I likely wouldn’t have to worry about say, being alone for dinner. Yes, that bothers me. But this year things are still up in the air for things to do and the whole gluten thing makes it even more complicated. Last year we spent a lot of time eating in the hotel restaurant. I will speak to the manager when I get there, but I just don’t have much confidence in their ability to prepare me a safe-from-cross-contaminations meal. I’ve scoped out other places to go eat, but I sure as hell don’t want to go alone. And I don’t want to go off-site for lunch and risk having to miss an after-lunch session, or go hungry. Despite trying very hard to work out the whole “what to wear” issue, here we are 2 weeks away and I’m up in the air on at least 2 of 3 outfits. To say that it’s upping my anxiety overall is an understatement. And now topping things off is the worry that I will need to seriously conserve my spending from here on out and while I’m at Catalyst. Blah. Let’s top things off with the fact that I just trimmed my overgrown bangs, realizing only after that I don’t like how I look with bangs, plus they’re a pain in the fuckin ass to “do”. Can’t just wash and go with my hair.

Let’s add in the fact that, since I’m driving myself, I feel the freedom now to essentially over-pack. The thought of packing my Ninja cooker actually did come into my head, as a way to avoid the restaurants and have safe food…but I like the social aspect and want to spend time with people as much as possible. I’m bringing items for people (note: if you’re on Toyswap and are interested in anything I have, and you’re going to Catalyst, let me know and I can bring the item with me) and for my own comfort. I have an overabundance of makeup samples and trials from Sephora, and am bringing those for my friends to paw through. I’m bringing my Devine Playchest for Crista to have. I may pack my Fucking Sculptures dildos for people to fondle. I’ll definitely be bringing gluten-free foods so that I’m not in danger of going without (or worse: having my bacon cheeseburger on a piece of lettuce).

It occurred to me too late about business cards. I still have some mini-moo cards from last year, although they’re a bit outdated now. But I don’t have it in me to design new ones, nor do I have the funds. It’ll have to do I suppose for the 3.5 people who may ask for one.

I think I’ll go pack a few things tonight. Nail down an outfit. Wonder what I’m forgetting.

 Posted by at 9:37 pm