Feb 152015
 
1 Month Countdown

Everybody told me, “Buying a house is really stressful” but like the other awful club I’m part of, there’s the First-Time-Buying-a-House Club and you can’t be in it til you’re in it and other people can sympathize but they won’t understand. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND. NOW I DO. I’ve employed a few options for stress relief in the last month, and will continue to use those options liberally over the next 30 days. I’ve had more chest-pain-inducing panic attacks in the last couple weeks than my entire life. While things are not going horribly (our credit is shockingly good), there are the normal bumps; but I’m prone to expecting the worst lately. I’ve had two or so straight years of being disappointed in various life things, planning and expecting only to have hopes crushed at the last minute. From simple things like a day trip sightseeing to missing out on a concert (and the money

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 Posted by at 2:37 pm
Jan 222015
 
Vibrators, Sex, and Depression

I need to preface this post. You won’t learn anything from this. I have no answers, no treatment plan, no quest. I have uncertainties and questions.  It isn’t an eloquent post. If you need a visual, I am huddled under a hoodie unable to make eye contact, I’m fidgety and exhausted. I’m skimming in some parts because I don’t have enough introspection to be able to elaborate. This is raw and uncomfortable and it’s not a pretty post. Like I told Reenie when I got her opinion on this post, this is a glimpse of me in therapy (and a clue as to why I don’t DO therapy). I’m all over the place, I skip details, yet I repeat. I’m saying all of this the best I can. This isn’t for fame or notoriety, because let’s face it, I’d like to think I normally write better than this. But if I take the time to polish it,

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 Posted by at 10:59 am
May 042014
 

A lot has happened in my 6 years here, and a lot has happened with me, sexually, over the last ten years. 6 years ago when I started this blog, I considered myself to be moderately kinky. Over the next few years, as a pseudo-relationship worked its course, I considered myself to be highly kinky. You see, when someone I’m very much attracted to is very much into something sexually, their enthusiasm for it rubs off on me and I suddenly see things from a new perspective. I’m not faking it for them, I’m genuinely exploring previously-unknown facets. Not all have worked out for me. Two attempts at being the dominant one in a sexual relationship failed miserably; the second one succeeded only in making me realize that I was more submissive than I assumed. When those two relationships ended, I didn’t have a distaste for being the dominant one, I just knew it wasn’t

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 Posted by at 11:17 am
Jul 072013
 

This post has taken me weeks to write, and has seen more drafts than hockey did this week1. Most people write big, sappy posts for a blogaversary as grand as 5 whole years. 5 years! I’m older than internet dirt now! This also happens to be my 800th post2. I can’t say I’m proud of all 800 posts; in fact I’ve changed so much over these 5 years that I’m pretty mortified by many of my earlier posts and reviews.  Sadly, I’m marking off my 5 years with a quickly impending for-the-foreseeable-future-hiatus.  I’ve known for weeks now that my time here was limited, but I kept that to myself. I wanted to finish up the giveaways I planned and the first big fundraising push for Dildology. I wanted to help out with Dildology as much as I could, even though I feel like I didn’t do enough. Wait, what? I’m not sure if this is

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 Posted by at 9:32 am
Mar 202013
 
So, Catalyst happened...

This is a viewpoint of Catalyst from a person with serious social anxiety issues which sometimes manifest into mild agoraphobia. Add on top of my social awkwardness a “neutral face” that makes me look forever pissed off + food allergy issues turning me into a manic panicked individual minus the cool hair color….and yeah. I got through this as best as I could, albeit I wasn’t at my best this year. It bothers me, it has made me feel like shit about myself, and compounded my self-doubts. I tried. I failed a lot. I fucked up. Hopefully next time is better? I’ve been trying all week to put my finger on what went wrong for me at CatalystCon this weekend. I’m not saying it was bad. It just wasn’t exceedingly awesome for me, as awesome as Momentum had been the two years prior. I think it was me. I mean sure, there were issues, we

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Mar 022013
 

I wouldn’t quite say that I have Obsessive-Compulsive Planning Disorder but it’s close. I got it from my mother, who also passed on her compulsive over-packing syndrome. Toss in a case of Chronic List Making, and you would think that I have a complete inability to be spontaneous. That’s not exactly true; if I know that *something* is going to be happening, then yes I need to have an exact plan for it. If you text me and say “OMG let’s go to ____ right now!!” if it’s within my doing, I shall be doing. Let’s take last year’s MomentumCon. I took the train down, then had to catch a subway, then locate the hotel. But I’d never been to the train station here, and of course I was worried about locating the subway and navigating it. So I did research. I drove to the train station two days before my trip as a dry

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 Posted by at 9:37 pm