Sex Toys and Body Size

As a “plus sized”/fat lady, I have some unique needs when it comes to sex toys that my thinner peers don’t experience.  Often times I think that some of these issues/unique needs are very much ignored by the sex toy industry. It’s bad enough that when I walk into any given women’s clothing store, 75-90% of the clothes are for “straight” sizes whilst the plus size women’s clothing is shoved off in a tiny corner. Despite the fact that a whopping percentage of the American population is actually overweight, the 16+ sizing is hard to come by.

This is a very honest and personal post, holding nothing back. If you’re not cool with fat people talkin bout their fat, I suggest you move on. There will be NSFW photos hidden behind links, but this is your warning that those photos will, indeed, be very NSFW. This is a post to get conversations started and to get honesty and body acceptance out there – as well as to serve as explanations in how body size relates to sex toy use. Disrespectful/rude/mean comments simply will not be tolerated, and will be deleted. Another point I want to be clear on: the issues I list are not true for all plus-size people, and some issues might be true for bodies that are not traditionally considered to be plus-sized. You could have really thick/fat outer labia and pubic mound without being very much overweight.

So before we begin, a little visual aide is needed for some of you. Now, as I’ve already warned but will warn again: the graphics behind the links (don’t worry, files are on my site, it won’t redirect anywhere) are explicit. Porn. Legs spread. Most of my readers won’t need that warning, but who knows where some of y’all will be coming from.  All photos grabbed from Google Image, and copyright is unknown. I’ll remove them if need be.

Examples of thinner people with easily exposed clits: One – Two

Examples of heavier people with plump labia/mound/etc and hidden clits:  One – Two – Three

Fat Labia

People come in all shapes and sizes. And the same is true for overweight people. Some may gain in their ass and thighs with a relatively flat stomach and thin face. Some may grow giant boobs and have a curvy bubble butt. Some may look pregnant. The clothing/fashion industry does a hideous job of portraying the fact that people don’t all gain weight the same way, but that’s a rant I had long ago and isn’t today’s topic. I mostly blame porn for the seeming misconception that when legs are spread, the clitoris is visible and easily accessible. A situation where a flat, broad vibrator would work just fine. But that isn’t the case for people with body fat, usually. 

For me, in order to get to my clit, I must spread my outer labia (I have no inner labia to speak of) to varying degrees. This is not unique to weight or body size. For a vibrator that is not slender, I would have to spread my labia pretty wide to get good clitoral contact. Vibrators that are easily dampened when surrounded by flesh also require this spreading. It was the case for vibrators such as the We-Vibe Touch, the Eroscillator, the Jimmy Jane Form 3. Is it that big of a deal to just spread em? Depends. After awhile, it starts to hurt. Especially if my nails aren’t trimmed way down. I’ve actually sustained tiny cuts from nail edges pressing into my labia for too long. Also, that means that clitoral vibration is a two-handed job. Forget using that other hand for anything else.

Examples of vibrators that have flat-out not worked for me because of my “plus size labia” include the Fixsation, iGino One, Tantus Panty Play, [redacted, reviewing it soon], Better Than Chocolate, JimmyJane Form 3 and nearly every vibrating cock ring on the market. Scratch that, make it /all/ vibrating cock rings.  The wearable vibrating panty sort of things would also never work on me, as they are flat and lay outside the labia. Dual-stim vibes aren’t ideal, unless there is no thrusting going on, as the clitoral arm would need to consistently part my labia (or I do it myself).  The early We-Vibes didn’t work for me because of the button placement; it was buried in my labia. When they added the remote to the We-Vibe 3, it took away my major issues with it.

Here’s an example that might spell things out better for you: When I’m using the We-Vibe or the Lelo Tiani, my outer labia completely envelopes the clitoral arm portion. Back in the day when I would use my corded silver bullet vibe in situations where I was clothed, my labia would completely hug and nearly cover the egg shaped vibrators. They would hold it in perfect position until I became too aroused and wet. My preferred method of masturbation using the We-Vibe Tango/Salsa is sitting up, reading/watching porn, with the vibrator nestled firmly in between my outer labial underneath panties. It stays in place perfectly, the clitoral hood doesn’t need to be pulled back because the vibrations are so deep they reach the internal clitoris, and I’m using more of the length of the Salsa than just the tip and it’s just an all-around happy time. 

Other things that mystify me: being able to orgasm from –  humping pillows/anything, tribbing, and wearing the dildo in a strap-on. For those thinner people with more immediate/easy access to the clit, all of those are very possible.  Just never will happen for me.

Reach Problems Due to Body Size

In addition to having the more round “apple” shape, I also have short arms. This currently means that anything I use for internal stimulation needs to be longer. It’s why the Pure Wand is so perfect for me. Internal vibrators, and dildos, that stick straight out of the vagina are sticking straight out the wrong damn way for me. I can’t use them easily. I have put on more weight now than 7 years ago, when I could use a traditional rabbit vibrator with only minor reachability issues. When it comes to sex toys like the Split Dildo or the G-Vibe by Fun Toys, having something that requires me to be squeezing the tips together during insertion is just an all around disaster.

I don’t know how often others of size have similar problems in this area. I don’t know if this issue is more or less prevalent than the fat labia issues. It’s a good thing that I don’t enjoy anal play because that, too, could be a bit of a reach problem. All of my weight seems to settle in the middle, front or back, much to my dismay. I know I’m not the only one like this, though, and it is what it is.

Traditional porn is fine, but it needs to come with an anti-reality warning. In reality, men don’t thrust from a 45-degree angle with one hand on their hip. In reality, clits aren’t out and proud for all people, there is body fat and cellulite, various levels of flexibility or lack thereof, and vaginal-only stimulation doesn’t usually lead to screaming orgasm in 3 minutes or less. I really feel like sex toy makers are using the size 2-6 body model for figuring out if their sex toy is going to work in theory. I say theory because most companies don’t actually test their prototypes on a real human body.  One sex toy that I thought could work great for me, due to the shape and length, was the J-Pop dildo by G-Spot Lollipop. As utterly ridiculous as I found their whole concept, the fact that the handle came back up towards the pubic mound felt like a positive aspect. Until Epiphora mentioned that the J curve really was a J curve, and not a more open lazy-C curve like the Pure Wand, and that even on her (of average body size and no fat belly to speak of) the handle was uncomfortably close to her mound and belly. It seems like the J-Pop was only tested, if at all, on a very thin person.

Someone recently came to me wanting my input on a sex toy design that they had, and I had to tell them flat out that their prized design would be considered an absolute failure for me personally due both to a similar shape/curve as the J-Pop and a design that required minimal labia and an easily accessible clit.

So, What’s the Point Here, Lilly? Are You Just Whining?

Nope. I have many reasons for writing this. First is that I want something to link to, to explain WHY a certain sex toy didn’t work for me if this is the reason, because I get damn tired of typing out the whole thing review after review. I cannot tell you how many of my reviews have a paragraph dedicated to why it was awesome for me and my Buddha-meets-T-Rex body or why it’s just Not For Fat Chicks.  I may even be going back through reviews and linking to this, and maybe even creating a “fat person friendly/not” tag. 

Another reason is to see what others like me experience. How our experiences are the same, and how they are different.  I’d like us all to really talk about it, and get the dialog started so that it’s out there. Talk about it on your own blog, comment here, hell even comment here anonymously – just get it out. Explain it. I want, someday, for the more conscientious sex toy makers to keep this in mind. To know that with certain designs, they are alienating an entire sector of their audience.  Could there, someday, even be an entire line of sex toys for the plus size person? Toys made for all of these issues in mind? Toys that would embrace those with limited flexibility for /all/ reasons? We can hope.  I want to hear from all genders, too, on all types of sex toys and the issues you have with them.  Tell us about specific toys that were bad or specific ones that were great.

When I first started reviewing, I knew that I wasn’t alone in what I liked and needed, and that others out there surely needed the info I had. I knew that there had to be others with clits of steel, who desperately needed to know just how strong that vibe was and what was your idea of strong when you said it “blew your mind”? But I’m also taking on the role of adviser for others with body size concerns, an aspect that is just not able to be pigeon-holed into a descriptive rating scale like noise and intensity.

TO BE CLEAR: My reviews, my opinions, are NOT strictly from the viewpoint of a larger person. I’ve been doing this review thing for 6 years now and I think my opinions and critiques of a sex toy are pretty damn worthwhile and valuable to various people of all sizes. But I also choose to mention when a sex toy might not be 100% compatible with my body type – this doesn’t mean all  of them, just some of them. A body type that is similar to many others’, and not classified as “sideshow freak”.  Vulvas, genitals, bodies…they’re different, yet similar. Should you choose to devalue me for my size, there are plenty of other “acceptable” reviewers over there in the sidebar. Just like there are other people out there the same size as me, there are lots of people with similar g-spot needs as me, similar clitoral needs, similar vulva shape. You think I’m a minority for this? Look around, honey.