Sex Toys and Body Size

As a “plus sized”/fat lady, I have some unique needs when it comes to sex toys that my thinner peers don’t experience.  Often times I think that some of these issues/unique needs are very much ignored by the sex toy industry. It’s bad enough that when I walk into any given women’s clothing store, 75-90% of the clothes are for “straight” sizes whilst the plus size women’s clothing is shoved off in a tiny corner. Despite the fact that a whopping percentage of the American population is actually overweight, the 16+ sizing is hard to come by.

This is a very honest and personal post, holding nothing back. If you’re not cool with fat people talkin bout their fat, I suggest you move on. There will be NSFW photos hidden behind links, but this is your warning that those photos will, indeed, be very NSFW. This is a post to get conversations started and to get honesty and body acceptance out there – as well as to serve as explanations in how body size relates to sex toy use. Disrespectful/rude/mean comments simply will not be tolerated, and will be deleted. Another point I want to be clear on: the issues I list are not true for all plus-size people, and some issues might be true for bodies that are not traditionally considered to be plus-sized. You could have really thick/fat outer labia and pubic mound without being very much overweight.

So before we begin, a little visual aide is needed for some of you. Now, as I’ve already warned but will warn again: the graphics behind the links (don’t worry, files are on my site, it won’t redirect anywhere) are explicit. Porn. Legs spread. Most of my readers won’t need that warning, but who knows where some of y’all will be coming from.  All photos grabbed from Google Image, and copyright is unknown. I’ll remove them if need be.

Examples of thinner people with easily exposed clits: OneTwo

Examples of heavier people with plump labia/mound/etc and hidden clits:  OneTwo Three

Fat Labia

People come in all shapes and sizes. And the same is true for overweight people. Some may gain in their ass and thighs with a relatively flat stomach and thin face. Some may grow giant boobs and have a curvy bubble butt. Some may look pregnant. The clothing/fashion industry does a hideous job of portraying the fact that people don’t all gain weight the same way, but that’s a rant I had long ago and isn’t today’s topic. I mostly blame porn for the seeming misconception that when legs are spread, the clitoris is visible and easily accessible. A situation where a flat, broad vibrator would work just fine. But that isn’t the case for people with body fat, usually. 

For me, in order to get to my clit, I must spread my outer labia (I have no inner labia to speak of) to varying degrees. This is not unique to weight or body size. For a vibrator that is not slender, I would have to spread my labia pretty wide to get good clitoral contact. Vibrators that are easily dampened when surrounded by flesh also require this spreading. It was the case for vibrators such as the We-Vibe Touch, the Eroscillator, the Jimmy Jane Form 3. Is it that big of a deal to just spread em? Depends. After awhile, it starts to hurt. Especially if my nails aren’t trimmed way down. I’ve actually sustained tiny cuts from nail edges pressing into my labia for too long. Also, that means that clitoral vibration is a two-handed job. Forget using that other hand for anything else.

Examples of vibrators that have flat-out not worked for me because of my “plus size labia” include the Fixsation, iGino One, Tantus Panty Play, [redacted, reviewing it soon], Better Than Chocolate, JimmyJane Form 3 and nearly every vibrating cock ring on the market. Scratch that, make it /all/ vibrating cock rings.  The wearable vibrating panty sort of things would also never work on me, as they are flat and lay outside the labia. Dual-stim vibes aren’t ideal, unless there is no thrusting going on, as the clitoral arm would need to consistently part my labia (or I do it myself).  The early We-Vibes didn’t work for me because of the button placement; it was buried in my labia. When they added the remote to the We-Vibe 3, it took away my major issues with it.

Here’s an example that might spell things out better for you: When I’m using the We-Vibe or the Lelo Tiani, my outer labia completely envelopes the clitoral arm portion. Back in the day when I would use my corded silver bullet vibe in situations where I was clothed, my labia would completely hug and nearly cover the egg shaped vibrators. They would hold it in perfect position until I became too aroused and wet. My preferred method of masturbation using the We-Vibe Tango/Salsa is sitting up, reading/watching porn, with the vibrator nestled firmly in between my outer labial underneath panties. It stays in place perfectly, the clitoral hood doesn’t need to be pulled back because the vibrations are so deep they reach the internal clitoris, and I’m using more of the length of the Salsa than just the tip and it’s just an all-around happy time. 

Other things that mystify me: being able to orgasm from –  humping pillows/anything, tribbing, and wearing the dildo in a strap-on. For those thinner people with more immediate/easy access to the clit, all of those are very possible.  Just never will happen for me.

Reach Problems Due to Body Size

In addition to having the more round “apple” shape, I also have short arms. This currently means that anything I use for internal stimulation needs to be longer. It’s why the Pure Wand is so perfect for me. Internal vibrators, and dildos, that stick straight out of the vagina are sticking straight out the wrong damn way for me. I can’t use them easily. I have put on more weight now than 7 years ago, when I could use a traditional rabbit vibrator with only minor reachability issues. When it comes to sex toys like the Split Dildo or the G-Vibe by Fun Toys, having something that requires me to be squeezing the tips together during insertion is just an all around disaster.

I don’t know how often others of size have similar problems in this area. I don’t know if this issue is more or less prevalent than the fat labia issues. It’s a good thing that I don’t enjoy anal play because that, too, could be a bit of a reach problem. All of my weight seems to settle in the middle, front or back, much to my dismay. I know I’m not the only one like this, though, and it is what it is.

Traditional porn is fine, but it needs to come with an anti-reality warning. In reality, men don’t thrust from a 45-degree angle with one hand on their hip. In reality, clits aren’t out and proud for all people, there is body fat and cellulite, various levels of flexibility or lack thereof, and vaginal-only stimulation doesn’t usually lead to screaming orgasm in 3 minutes or less. I really feel like sex toy makers are using the size 2-6 body model for figuring out if their sex toy is going to work in theory. I say theory because most companies don’t actually test their prototypes on a real human body.  One sex toy that I thought could work great for me, due to the shape and length, was the J-Pop dildo by G-Spot Lollipop. As utterly ridiculous as I found their whole concept, the fact that the handle came back up towards the pubic mound felt like a positive aspect. Until Epiphora mentioned that the J curve really was a J curve, and not a more open lazy-C curve like the Pure Wand, and that even on her (of average body size and no fat belly to speak of) the handle was uncomfortably close to her mound and belly. It seems like the J-Pop was only tested, if at all, on a very thin person.

Someone recently came to me wanting my input on a sex toy design that they had, and I had to tell them flat out that their prized design would be considered an absolute failure for me personally due both to a similar shape/curve as the J-Pop and a design that required minimal labia and an easily accessible clit.

So, What’s the Point Here, Lilly? Are You Just Whining?

Nope. I have many reasons for writing this. First is that I want something to link to, to explain WHY a certain sex toy didn’t work for me if this is the reason, because I get damn tired of typing out the whole thing review after review. I cannot tell you how many of my reviews have a paragraph dedicated to why it was awesome for me and my Buddha-meets-T-Rex body or why it’s just Not For Fat Chicks.  I may even be going back through reviews and linking to this, and maybe even creating a “fat person friendly/not” tag. 

Another reason is to see what others like me experience. How our experiences are the same, and how they are different.  I’d like us all to really talk about it, and get the dialog started so that it’s out there. Talk about it on your own blog, comment here, hell even comment here anonymously – just get it out. Explain it. I want, someday, for the more conscientious sex toy makers to keep this in mind. To know that with certain designs, they are alienating an entire sector of their audience.  Could there, someday, even be an entire line of sex toys for the plus size person? Toys made for all of these issues in mind? Toys that would embrace those with limited flexibility for /all/ reasons? We can hope.  I want to hear from all genders, too, on all types of sex toys and the issues you have with them.  Tell us about specific toys that were bad or specific ones that were great.

When I first started reviewing, I knew that I wasn’t alone in what I liked and needed, and that others out there surely needed the info I had. I knew that there had to be others with clits of steel, who desperately needed to know just how strong that vibe was and what was your idea of strong when you said it “blew your mind”? But I’m also taking on the role of adviser for others with body size concerns, an aspect that is just not able to be pigeon-holed into a descriptive rating scale like noise and intensity.


TO BE CLEAR: My reviews, my opinions, are NOT strictly from the viewpoint of a larger person. I’ve been doing this review thing for 6 years now and I think my opinions and critiques of a sex toy are pretty damn worthwhile and valuable to various people of all sizes. But I also choose to mention when a sex toy might not be 100% compatible with my body type – this doesn’t mean all  of them, just some of them. A body type that is similar to many others’, and not classified as “sideshow freak”.  Vulvas, genitals, bodies…they’re different, yet similar. Should you choose to devalue me for my size, there are plenty of other “acceptable” reviewers over there in the sidebar. Just like there are other people out there the same size as me, there are lots of people with similar g-spot needs as me, similar clitoral needs, similar vulva shape. You think I’m a minority for this? Look around, honey.


28 Responses

  1. Camryn says:

    I just wanted to say you’re not the only one. My outer labia are almost as full as the lips on my mouth- and they aren’t tiny!- and my inner labia are rather long, so I have to manually part my sea to be penetrated or stimulate my clitoris. Your coments about clitoral access always resonate with me, and have steered me clear of several disappointments (Alas, Tantus Panty Play). Plus my weight is distributed in my lower body, so even though I’m not considered plus size I have problems with the bases of insertable toys digging into my thighs or butt cheeks at times.
    I hope companies see/hear your words and try to do something about it. More labia friendly vibes would be great!

  2. SubReiSkyeM says:

    I have the same issues as you do here, Lilly. My family have always mentioned that we have long bodies and short legs, which essentially gives me shorter arms. I also have a large pubic mound which I have to pull up toward my stomach to be able to stimulate my clit. If I don’t do this, I don’t get any sensation at all. That said, my outer labia aren’t very thick and my inner ones are long to an extent which means I can’t ‘hold’ toys with it and would have to part myself open to use penetrative toys (which is painful).

    I think it’s important to have these kinds of issues in the open – there are too many different types of vagina/body type and that does affect how sex toys work!

  3. Lillyonthebed says:

    Amazing post! As a fat chick I can totally relate. To reach my clit I must spread my labia and I too have had tiny cuts ftom masturbating this way! I recently submitted a toy design for lovehoney’s comp that was a clitoral/gspot stimulator designed to fit in tge labia to reach the clit!

    Thank you for this and I’d be happy to offer discussion/help in any way!

    Lillith :) x

  4. Unrepentant says:

    I have these exact same problems. Thank you for writing this!

  5. Penny says:

    I think it’s vital that you came forward in this post and shared your experiences because people with similar body/labia types have a right to know what toys will work best for them & which won’t.

    On a related note, during Catalyst Joan Price discussed the differing needs of sex toys from people who are 50+ (like that vibes may need to be significantly stronger and longer-lasting, etc.) which is something I don’t hear about often either.

    People have different body-types, sexual experiences, and needs in sex toys, and it’s vital that we discuss these differences rather than shy away from them.


  6. Imagodiva says:

    I appreciate this article and your open communication on the subject. I am a larger woman but don’t have the same challenges as you describe, but I know there are thinner and larger people who do have similar ones.

    I think it’s so much more than just a size issue. There are so many different body types, sizes, disabilities, etc. that can affect sexual needs in general as well as toy design preferences or needs. I totally agree with you that the sex toy industry would do well to test their products on a wide variety of people. There have been a few toys from the better companies that at least seem to recognize sex organ differences, but virtually all still ignore general body and ability differences.

    Some of the things that it seems would be appreciated by most people no matter their size or physical requirements are, as you mentioned, generous and ergonomic handles and easily-reached control buttons. A jointed or bendable configuration can be better adjusted to meet more peoples’ needs (the Je Joue G-Ki is an interesting design but doesn’t go far enough, and has apparent quality control/longevity issues). Some of the silicone toy companies that are making dildoes to order seem like a promising possibility in the future for people with special needs, should they choose to add helpful types of options.

    Everyone, no matter their size or physical ability, should have options when it comes to sex, toys, and satisfaction. Hopefully the toy companies that are competing for peoples’ sex toy dollars will realize that providing these options will undoubtedly result in more sales and profits.

  7. K says:

    I’m not quite plus sized, but right on the line between what is typically defined as “healthy weight” and “overweight.” I have several of the same issues as you. I have almost no inner labia, and very poofy outer labia, combined with a clitoris that is not really out there. For a long time, I thought most people had poofy labia and large mounds, and wondered why they’d bother buying things like vibrating panties, which (in my brain) clearly wouldn’t work. So, obviously, toys that rely on smaller labia, labia that naturally spread themselves a little wider, or need a clitoris to be really obvious would be a fail for me. I do have some flatish toys that work, but that’s only because I can grind against them. If I had to rely on a static position, they would fail.

    As for dildos that stick straight out? Ugh. I have longer arms, and even then straight dildos put a stress on my body. They just aren’t very ergonomic to me.

    I know that no toy can please everyone, since we are clearly all different, but it would be nice if toys came with a little more information, like “Best for women with smaller labia” for flat toys, or “Best if clitoris and G-spot fit blah blah measurement” for C-shaped toys. I’d love for toy companies to say who their toys work best for, instead of pretending that their toy is so amazing, so revolutionary, everyone MUST love it.

  8. Silverdrops says:

    I have the reach problem, and did even when I was skinny (many years ago!). I think for me it’s a long torso / short arms. But having a big belly and mobility problems now certainly makes it harder.

  9. Oddkin says:

    “Is it that big of a deal to just spread em? Depends. After awhile, it starts to hurt. Especially if my nails aren’t trimmed way down. I’ve actually sustained tiny cuts from nail edges pressing into my labia for too long. Also, that means that clitoral vibration is a two-handed job. Forget using that other hand for anything else.”

    This, this, and all this. It’s why I just prefer to sit down a bigger dildo while I use a vibe on my clit, because that way the internal stimulation doesn’t have to come from thrusting, but just from having something big up there. And I’m not even that big, mind you! 140 pounds at 5″3, so I’ve got a belly going on, but I still get this.

    I got lucky last time when I did simultaneously thrust, might have been a fluke, but it’s still by no means easy.

    As for the nail cuts in labia: they suck. It’s why I keep them trimmed down all the time.

  10. lunaKM says:

    Here here! I’m obese, very obese and when I had the task of finding a sex toy that I could manipulate for a video to send to my Man who was away for the week I had quite a challenge. Not only do I have reach issues, my outer labia are huge and I have a large mound to get around. Couple that with the fact I have to manually move my stomach apron over so that I can reach with one hand, let alone two and it pretty much makes any normal sex toy a 2 person job.

  11. Anna says:

    I’m relieved to read this because my girlfriend is a bigger woman and I could never figure out why I have such a hard time getting to her clitoris when I can just reach down and touch mine just like that. I kind of thought maybe I was doing something wrong. But now that I’ve read this, I’m like “Oh! Her outer labia are much bigger than mine! Of course her clitoris wouldn’t be as easy to get to as mine!”

  12. gudfatpussy says:

    I’m so glad I found your site before I spent any more money on sex toys don’t work for my fat pussy. My latest and most expensive is a Lia Pleasure “O”. Small, quiet vibrator with a loop that encloses the clit.
    For starts the loop is too soft & flexible. I have to use both hands AND a mirror to do that. 10 different “intense” functions. So much potential and such a let down. Mail order too so I had to pay S & H & wait for it!

    I have a little finger-tip clit massager that works good. Came with a small bullet and included 3 button batteries & a spare set. Went through them in no time! Replacement batteries were $4 each! I took a larger bullet from a g spot toy that uses AAs (another disappointment). Its wired and has more speeds.

  13. Mary says:

    I am new to experimenting with sex toys and I am finding that I have these same problems. When I asked at the sex shop if they had something ‘to hold my lips open’ they looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language. They had never heard of this problem. It is a reach issue and also a fatigue issue for me. I bought the vibrator they recommended as a good first toy and while I could feel it vibrating, it did nothing for me. Beyond the matter of getting access inside my labia, it just takes a lot of force to get through my fat layers. Even used as a dildo, the Black Magic 7″ massager is too small for me, there is nothing to hold on to after insertion (and the vibration stopped working the first time I used it. I definitely do not recommend this unless you want a really soft, short, small dildo.). Having a bit more experience now, I see they should never have recommended this product for me based on my size. So far, water jets directly applied seem to be the only thing strong enough. It is a difficult two hand/arm job to hold myself open and direct the jet. I knew I couldn’t be the only one having these problems. Thank you for this frank discussion.

  14. Lesharo says:

    Be strong, sisters. The boys feel your pain, as well. As a taller, fat (I’m 6’2″, 325 lbs–I’m fat, not “big” or “heavy”) gay man, I have a lot of the same issues.

    Perineal vibrators are useless as the vibrations just aren’t strong enough after being muffled by the flab. Reach is definitely an issue. Due to the belly, I can *just* touch my anus from the front, so I have to reach from behind, causing me to have to keep my back straight, which isn’t the ideal angle for anal penetration. Thank the stars for suction cups, at least, though this presents it’s own issues thanks to bad knees brought on by weight and injuries.

    One of the better options I’ve personally found is using a double-ended dildo that is firm enough for insertion, but long enough to provide good grip and flexible enough that it can handle “odd” angles.

  15. Robin McClanahan says:

    Thank you for this! I’ve recently lost a good amount of weight due to medication side effects, but I used to have some of these issues as well. What I have now are shitty joints, poor stamina, and reduced sensitivity and responsiveness (the last two ALSO due to medication side effects!) and I would really like to see more accessibility in sex toys. More internal toys with ergonomic handles! More actually powerful vibrators! Toys that don’t get weaker when you press harder!
    I’m actually looking at setting up my own blog with that exact focus; adaptable, accessible sex toys for the ill, disabled, and those whose sex lives have been stolen by necessary medications. (Yes, I’m in the process of reading your sex blogger education series. Thank you so much for that, as well!)

  16. Charis says:

    I found this the other week. Currently waiting for it to arrive to see if it solves my own hand fatigue from spreading my lips the entire session (sometimes up to an hour or more). We shall see

  17. I have to admit, I’m skeptical of this thing. It looks weird, possibly uncomfortable, or like it just won’t work. But I’m skeptical of a lot of things of this nature. Let us know if it works for you!

  18. Charis says:

    yes i am skeptical too. It was cheap so i thought it was worth a try. Ill let you know in this comment section what i think of it when i try it.

  19. Charis says:

    found this review

    This part caught my attention

    “One of the biggest worries I had was whether or not it would work for someone who’s ‘plus sized’ and has a thicker vulva. I was more than impressed with the way it held everything back, and feel I can safely say your weight/size/shape shouldn’t be a concern.”

  20. Charis says:

    Ok I received it and have tried it once during solo masturbation. Its ok, it does hold the lips apart and manages to expose my clitoris from the hood. The only problem was that my vibrator kept touching the ‘arms’ and it felt a little weird. Also, I wouldn’t be using anything penetrative with this inside. It solved my hand fatigue for a bit but I don’t think it will be making a frequent appearance! 6/10 :P At least its silicone.

  21. KT Pinto says:

    Love this post! Thank you for talking about this!

  22. Krissy Novacaine says:

    *standing ovation*

    I was just having a similar rant to this with a friend yesterday. This is so important. I’m sick of the one size fits all toys. The We-Vibe 4 was a huge disappointment for me because it was was too small for my 6′ frame.

    Add on that I am fat, and there are some serious problems with toy fit. I’m really hoping that some company somewhere will get the message and start approaching toy manufacturing from a different perspective.

  23. The Hierophant says:

    I’m thin, like “please stop telling me to eat more I will eat an entire pint of ben and jerry’s to shut you up, no I do not have an eating disorder” thin, but as someone with a clit that likes to play peekaboo, this post resonates really well with me. I get my best “work” done when holding my outer labia open and yeah, it gets real annoying real fast! So that leads to my preference for vibes that are big enough to hold my lips open on their own, IE-wand types rather than bullets or such. Hey, at the very least, there are a good amount of different shapes of toys – just wish there were more good ones of certain shapes, yknow?

  24. Come Heather says:

    It would be really cool if you could design a sex toy line with the needs of bigger folks in mind. Great post.

  25. Jennifer says:

    I can relate to all these…. As a plus sized girl….nothing is fitting me….I am heavy but don’t have big boobs so clothes suck….I love all kinds of sex…. but can only come with my clit!! I bought a cock ring with vibrators on it today and like it but my clit it about an inch and a half higher than the clit stimulator when my boyfriend is fucking me!!! After 3 years together we would REALLY like to come together at least once lol He is also large so cant use a vibrator while having sex…URGH!!! so any thing that anyone has used and works well for them???

  26. Tzipora says:

    Just found this post randomly and it made me think. Due to physical health issues I’ve been on both weight extremes from extremely overweight to underweight (had massive issues with pokey hipbones that complicated reach in a whole different way then, even to hold a clitoral toy meant my inner wrist was pressed into sharp hipbone. No way around that one either and sure any partner would’ve been jabbed in most body to body positions too).

    Anyway, what I totally wanted to try and explain is while I have fat outer labia for some reason (this is true at any weight, and eh I do carry my weight in my belly but I’ve got narrow hips and even at my current overweight big belly size I have a small thigh gap and no ass… So why I have thick outer labia I don’t even know. Doesn’t totally corrolate in any sensical way to my buid or weight.) I always loved tribbing, grinding, humping, whatever. Like that extra padding actually sorta rocks and I’ve known how to masturbate to orgasm basically as long as I can remember and my means of doing so (though health issues really killed this nowadays and I miss it) was on my belly, legs together, humping my hand. Heck I still prefer to keep my legs together. If I really want direct clitoral stimulation then yeah I’ve got to spread wide and hold myself open and yeah that sucks and with you on how even short nails end up digging in. But my main point is that I don’t think that tribbing or grinding is pleasurable or not specifically because of how easy to access ones clit is. Gosh until my Tango (and I hated it at first. This was sooo weird, and I suspect it’s another reason I struggle to get off with it though in certain moods or hormonal phases if I can really get the right angle and hold myself apart its fabulous but even then my clit almost sorta burns but in a good way lol I can’t explain it) but until my Tango and eh I guess some rabbit vibes I had, I primarily was a wand held to closed outer labia fan. Maybe I am an extreme anomaly. Lol.

    Granted obviously I like broader stimulation which seems to put me in a smaller minority too. I’m sure that goes a long way in the joy of tribbing/grinding. Sometimes I’m amused by the idea I was literally made to be a lesbian in how natural and amazing tribbing seems to me. With the right placement a strap on will get me off too. But my clit is never being touched directly either. Interesting, eh? What has me super intrigued and may also explain this somewhat is I recently watched Nina Hartley’s cunnilingus guide video thingy and half her thing was all about playing with and like stretching and tugging (this sounds so weird and honestly I am super curious how many women truly enjoy what she was showing because eh I’d never seen most of it or thought to do most of it. Not with outer labia at least) and mine are so thick I can’t even move them the way she was demonstrating. It is painful to even spread mine open too far. So they’re thick and pillowy. Adds some lovely pressure. I think my outer labia are like the equivalent of the marshmallow tip for the Eroscillator. Lol. I’ve never used one so I’m just guessing, but that description makes sense to me. I think I actually have a super sensitive clit but like and need super strong vibes because I need it to travel through my labia.

    Anyway I’m thinking out loud at this point but your post gave me a ton to think about. No wonder I love wands. Been wanting an Eroscillator but now I’m honestly not sure I’d like it at all. Most reviewers are always yay pinpoint and I’m like meh.

    So anyway totally not the point of your post but I so get the reach thing too especially yaking into account my disability issues with joint and muecle weakness and pain. Im pretty average sized at the momwnt but reach is problematic in many ways… I was just super intrigued though by your own explanation of why tribbing and grinding doesn’t work for you. I don’t think it’s just about labia size. But now I don’t know. Makes me wonder. Love my marshmallow labia though. Lol. Only true downside is I’m not a fan of shaving and my thick outer labia plus hair make me not an easy person to give oral sex to.

    Final thought- Have you seen the toy/ aide type thingies (thinking I’ve seen two different but similar products) that basically insert into the vagina and help hold the labia open? I’m so curious how those would work and if they’re comfortable. Might be worth a shot for all of us thicker labia folks.

  27. Robin McClanahan says:

    I think your experience at the sex toy shop highlights exactly why this post, others like it, and the discussions they inspire, are ao very important. (And I’m so sorry that you got such crappy recommendations from the employees there!) The sex toy industry needs to hear about the people whose needs they’re ignoring. The employees at a sex toy shop, even if they don’t know how to FIX the problem, should have enough

  1. November 1, 2013

    […] why I tried so hard to love it. But the basic design of it just is 100% incompatible with my body/vulva type. When I added on the accessory tips, I saw some improvement but ultimately it wasn’t enough […]