May 142009

{as an aside….I interrupt your reading to bring this completely narcissistic moment: My birthday is next week, May 19th. That is all}

I am a member of an online community, yet another social app, but this one is specifically geared towards fetish and kink. It’s not really a “dating” site, it’s more of a place for link-minded friends to all have profiles and post lively discussions in the forums and find local group meet-ups.

Of course, it’s also a place where stereotypes of the worst extreme come to fester. I am never more disgusted with the Dominant Male as a generality as I am in places like these. But let it be said that I see through it and I know that most true dominants are going to shake their heads in disgust.

*All screennames changed to protect the innocent, i.e. me.

Before I continue, let me say my position here on this community. My profile is complete because I am there in an intellectual capacity only (and am there in the first damn place due to peer pressure, lol). In my “looking for” section I list only that I am looking for friends. That is IT. My profile lists me as a Switch.

I get this message from a local man labeling himself as a Dom. There is no photo on this profile, there is no missive to reel in the intellectual side of a woman. There is simply a very truncated list of his likes, and his eloquent screen name. I’ll warp it a bit and call him MisterSpanksTooMuch.

Subject: “looking to spank”

Content: “interested?”

I could ignore it, sure. But I’m a fiesty little bitch when it comes to assholes online like this. I reply back: “Interested in what, exactly?”

How original, his reply is this and nothing more: “bare botton spanking, cunnilingus and exhibitionism” (typo left for story color purposes)

me: “I really couldn’t say if I’m interested or not, I don’t know you at all. I’m not the sort who is interested in merely the activity, I need to be interested in the person.”

Finally, this elicits a full sentence from him, even two! Asking me if I’d like to get to know him. Christ, dude, might have been a good idea to lead with that.

This man, at least he’s apropo, has his profile photo as a dog. A bulldog. He’s got two other photos, as well, and let me just say without wanting to seem shallow and knowing full well that I am neither model-pretty or -skinny, that I would not touch this man with a 20 foot pole while wearing double-layer leather gloves. And a blindfold. He’s almost old enough to be my father and lives well out of range (thankfully)

Subject: “You’re pretty hot…”

Content: “especially for a gal in xxx, XX!

Bet you’d like to smack my big, fat ass….perhaps even feed me fatter? ;)”


Pardon me, I think I’m going to lose my dinner now. I would love to know WHAT in my meager profile gave this jackass the impression that I would be meet this email with a positive reception?? My reply was a scathing: “You simply could not be farther off base”

The next, this one also older but local. He does have a valid profile photo but says very very little in his profile information. His email, while at least being mostly non-offensive and containing proper English and full sentences, still rubs me the wrong way. Can you spot the “this is what made Lilly’s eyes flash in indignant offense” part?

Subject: “Hello girl”

Content: “My name is X. I have been a Dom for over 15 yrs. I recently moved back to XX after living in Europe the past 5 yrs. I am currently seeking a newer sub to train and teach all that I have learned. I am an experienced patient teacher who can provide you with a safe and comfortable place to explore all your desires. I have alot of experience in teaching subs. Come let me watch you grow and blossom into the submissive/slave you have always dreamed of being. Hope to hear from you soon.”

I just never bothered to respond to him.Why waste my breath on what was clearly a canned, impersonal fishing expedition email?

An early message was from a male profile, yet AGAIN no photo and no intro paragraph. His email, while being mostly innocuous and able to chalk up to “inexperienced moron”, wasn’t too terrible. He lets me know that he and his gf have been looking for someone to share and he likes my looks (awwwww). He says HE will be in my area for jus a couple nights but then goes back to talking about her and how much she (this invisible she) wants to get to know me. Actually, no, I misspoke. They want to “party” with me.

I’ll pause and let the giggles subside.

PARTY?!?! Party. What the flying fuck does that mean really and who the fuck uses “party” as a euphemism for “one night NSA fuckfest”??

I replied with:  “Party”? What, exactly, do you mean by that?

Surprisingly, he chose not to enlighten me.

I saved the best for last. Aren’t I nice that way?

Screenname: *DominantForYou2Serve

Profile Photo: Shocker! None

Surprisingly, this one does fill out his paragraphs. Extensively. With a lot of overuse of the bold tags and liking to sound as authoratitive as his young years allow. In Relationship Status he has chosen “It’s Complicated”. Yeah, I bet. He goes on to explain what he’s looking for, what he simply won’t have and that he works second shift and has “obligations and responsibilities” during the day (read: taking care of the kids while the wife is at work) and so he can only meet in the wee hours of the morning.

Between 1am and 4 am.

Hand to Bejeezus I do not make this shit up.

His email to me tells me again that he’s looking for a “discrete” woman (read: don’t ask questions bitch and you’ll live to see tomorrow), he’s up for anything but it must be between 2am and 4am. Wait, what? What happened to that golden hour of 1am to 2am? I got the shaft!!

I wasn’t feelin my oats that today so I simply replied “So sorry but no, those hours are completely ridiculous”.

What the fuck does this douchebag think, that just because he propositions 100 submissive women than one will be dumb enough to meet a stranger at 2 fucking AM? One who doesn’t even have the cojones to put up a goddamn profile photo??

Edit: If you know which site I’m referring to, please stay mum on the site name in your comment. I’m not naming it to protect my whereabouts from vanilla people coming to my blog who really shouldn’t be knowing such things about me (i.e. family, employers, etc) rare, but I gotta be a little weird about it. Thanks!! :)

  10 Responses to “The Dickhead Files: FetFail”

  1. First and foremost, Happy Birthday.

    Second, I’m assuming the social network is XX {redacted for my privacy for those not in the know} (I’m on there too), and must, on behalf of all men apologize for these neanderthals who make us all look bad….

    ~ thank you :) I know, they’re they occasional rotten apple and not a popular sample. But still…funny blog fodder =D

  2. May 19th? Duly noted…

    Wow, those are some clueless men there!

  3. These always crack me up! I think some of these guys figure your InBox is just as empty as theirs, so they figure you’re going to jump at their messages, no matter how lame.

    ~ Hmmm they figure my inbox is empty??? Geez they must not think I’m very well liked! ;)

  4. I know exactly what site you’re talking about, and it never fails to astound me with some of the messages I get. It actually surprises me with how many guys (and gals/couples) on there just don’t even read my profile, which specifically says my uncompromisable age and distance limits!

    ~ I know, I’ve always had issues on sites like this with people not reading the profile. I even went so far as to add in words randomly that made up a sentence asking them to repeat the sentence in their email, in my main profile section on CM (when I did have a profile there, been awhile). Most never caught on to the words.

  5. *snikkers* Mebe we should play swapsies and you can be snarky to some of mine LOL … frikken pita’s they are (pain in the butts) The Collarme lot musta found Xxxxx huh?

    ~ i can be snarky all day long honey, send em my way!

  6. And we are surprised by these postings,why?

    Just a couple boneheads looked for an easy score.

    Probably Napoleon syndrome cases…

    ~ Not “surprised”…but worthy of sharing in my eye rolling and providing a good laugh of disgust to others :)

  7. Men eh? Who needs them?

    Well… ;)

    ~ I do!!! Just not these “men”

  8. That was hysterical. May you have better luck in the future. ;-)

    Doms seem to be one end or the other…so rare to find a really good one, eh? ;-)

    ~ *sigh* SO rare….if only I could transplant R or myself to be in closer distance. But thankfully I’m not on that site to look for a Dom.

  9. Yeah. A and I have been dealing with the same sort of thing for a bit more. Her more than I of course.

    I’m going to expand on this thought in a post on my blog, but just want to point out that both genders and all persuasions are capable and implicit in actions such at these. That said, reading the shit that was sent to you makes me want to vomit. It’s those kind of losers that should have their balls removed and hung on your wall in reparation… assuming those guys have balls worth my blade.

    ~ I wouldn’t go quite THAT far, lol. But it is pretty bad.

  10. hahaha this cracked me up. Don’t you love horny males? I once had my profile clearly state .. if you are not a friend I will not add you as a friend. If you want to be my friend, well then send me a note. yeah.. i was still getting requests from dudes. if they took their time to look past my cleavage, they could have seen for themselves that they would be wasting their time with me. I clearly state I am engaged and only looking for friends. morons.

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