All Apologies ( i need a fuckin rainbow)

Life happens, shit happens.

Yesterday, I decided to go off of my “wakey wakey” drug for the day (Nuvigil, it does wonders for my ADD/fibro fatigue and fog) because I was getting a second trigger point therapy/beating, and the first one left me drugged-feeling and exhausted but unable to nap bc of the wakey drug. So I didn’t take it……and of course the second treatment didn’t affect me like the first. Then of course the doctor delivered the news that this back pain might never ever go away. I’d had hopes, and they’re barely clinging on now waiting for more treatments.

What I did notice though was that this drug, which is only FDA-approved for things like narcolepsy and sleep disorders (it’s been trialed though a few times on fibro patients to great result), keeps the hopeless-depression at bay. It’s not a stimulant, but it wakes me. It’s better than Wellbutrin for my mood. Yesterday was this mired pit of “I cannot bear to spend the next 30-40 years of my life in this constant daily pain and inability to do things” and said so many times I couldn’t bear to live with it that I scared my husband into fearing he’d find me dead upon coming home from work. The first time this sort of depression happened I wasn’t on any drugs, and it was after we moved here and I felt utterly USELESS. Like my life was pointless, I wouldn’t be remembered after death, I’d done nothing to leave an imprint on this world, etc.

The problem with the Nuvigil is that it will cost me at least $300 a month. This is in addition to all other health-related copays and such. And we do not have room in the budget for $300 a month. So I need to find myself a job that guarantees about $400 a month that I don’t hate and doesn’t exacerbate my pain levels too much.

Then last night my family world collapsed. My mother called me in fearful tears – a flash flood happened. She’d built her dream house on land next the creek she spent her childhood years growing up at, three houses down from her Aunt’s house (now her cousin’s house). She had her screened in porch with a full view of the creek below. It’s no stream, mind you. I’m terrible at judging distance but it’s perhaps 50 feet across and sometimes as wide as 100 feet? But during normal water levels you can walk across it, the water being no higher than knee/thigh level, sometimes as low as ankle. Anyways. Even in the flood of 72, the worst one, the water didn’t go inside her cousin’s house – this house is 100 years old I think. This time, it quite quickly became apparent that the water was in fact going to come up to the houses. She had very little time to rescue items and move them upstairs. Even one of her two cats had to stay behind, because said cat hid in the chaos. I was heartbroken equally about the cat as I was the house. She was safe, with her cousin and neighbors, in a house nearby but higher up. But 5 minutes into our call they lost power. Sometime later they lost phone service. There is no cell reception there, so we were cut off. I did nothing today but sob and worry about the house, her beloved deck, her cat, our family heirlooms and photo albums (with my declining memory, they are sometimes all I have of my past). I watched news broadcasts online all day. I saw viewers’ photos being posted on the news Facebook page. I panicked and freaked when I saw ones near her, of bridges gone and roads ruined. I still had no idea if her house was okay.

In the end, it is…..mostly. The cat lives. But there was 3 feet of water in the house. Recovering will take a long time, especially since she didn’t have flood insurance because she wasn’t on the flood plain and she was told she didn’t need it. We can only hope that FEMA will be available to help financially. I can’t get to her…..not to her house, because of the ruined roads nearby….not even to my family who live close to her, because of the PA areas being hit right now with flooding and major highways closed.

I have been updating family and her friends. It is reminiscent of calls made the day my dad died. I am retelling the grief and the destruction over and over and yes there is good….she is safe…she has a standing house…but she faces much financial, emotional and physical stress.

Husband and I were going out of town this weekend for a lovely late-anniversary overnight trip to Mystic but we cancelled – even though we now know we can’t do anything for Mom yet, I couldn’t possibly leave this house or do anything but worry. We’ll go another time, soon.

So….tomorrow and this weekend I crack down on cranking out e[lust], doing a much-needed temp job, as much as I can do of it before I go to my mother’s where I will be unable to communicate or have internet. I’d even typed up a few blog posts the other day but….I don’t feel like posting them. I don’t have the ability to be “here”. I can only focus on my mom and what we’re going to do, and making as much money as I can in 4 days. And trying to forget all the abominations I’ve seen on the CalExotics website, or the fact that they claim that TPR/TPE is a “safe” material and non-porous. :)

Next week’s WantonWednesday is prescheduled. e[lust] will be published to the best of my abilities. This blog will be stagnant for a little bit.

I really need something awesomely spectacularly good to land in my lap, soon. Very soon. Universe, I beg of you….give me a break. Give me a little rainbow….