(not so) Great Expectations

I haven’t blogged in a while, not entirely intentionally. I keep meaning to finish up the Erogenous Zones series, but this whole moving/trying to find a place to move to shit has ALL of me stuck in limbo. We’re in that horrible time frame of knowing the move is coming, and looking for places and maybe even finding places to live….but the move is still enough weeks away that we probably won’t be considered for any of the places we like because, understandably, the landlords don’t want to go any longer without rent than absolutely necessary. Ugh. I hate this wait.

Anyways.

There’s two ways to know that your blog is slowly drowning:

1. You can’t even find a decent enough piece to include in a digest that you’re the fuckin editor of, so anything goes, but there’s nothing worth even an excerpt
2. Past readers come back to tell you that you’ve been “mildly unpleasant” to read as of late.

Now, I’ve been instructed not to get “defensive” about her statement. In a way, I am, and yet I’m not. My blog has changed, and to some people who don’t care about my dating/sex exploits it’s for the better. To those who came here for the sexy stuff, my blog kinda sucks lately. My fucking sex life, both off an on, is in the same lull as my blog. The same lull as ME. I try…. I truly try….to write erotica but the ability to put together a finished piece keeps eluding me. The fantasies pop into my head and my disjointed brain strings it into a scene but I can’t put it to paper.

Back to what I was saying. The comment. On the one hand it is my blog and I don’t have to write or take pictures for anyone (side note: yesterday I get an email. great pics, can you send me some more? And you know, I truly wish I could ask and get an honest no-holds-barred response as to WHY exactly him and other men like him think that it’s going to work out in their favor to ask that of a blogger, especially me) but yet I can also say I, too, miss the way my blog once was. “If you don’t like it, don’t read it” applies. But yet I don’t necessarily want to throw in the towel on the blog and I do realize that my entire “niche”/angle has left completely as of late. The commenter, who oddly chose to not use her normal commenting nickname, commented not JUST to tell me that I’ve been crap lately but to commend me on not asking for a hand-out and lament that many sex blogs have lost the “sexy” angle. Eh, she’s got a point. I noticed the other day how an old favorite has turned from hot stories of truth and fiction and insightful commentary to one big PR advertisement of where they’ll be next week for speaking engagements. But would I ever have the audacity to tell said blogger that I miss the days of yore and yawn at her updates? Fuck no. Not my place. The “anonymous” commenter could have easily gotten her final point across without really needing to tell me that I’ve been mildly unpleasant, no?

Then again, I’d prefer some honesty over blind ass-kissing.

In other news, I re-joined Okcupid with the location of my new state and guesstimate of my new city. I’m not exactly on it to find casual sex, but more of a friend angle. I wouldn’t turn down a sexy date if I found someone that made it through my rigorous gauntlet, though. But oh how I’d forgotten the blog-fodder that Okcupid can bring. It’s comforting, in a way, to know that men can be idiots no matter the city/state. The lack of actual reading of my profile, the complete ignorance of  my statements/requirements/”wishlist”.

I’m having this weird time trying to mention in my profile that I’m a sex blogger, that I review sex toys and am involved in sex-politics in some ways because of the blog – but that I’m not looking to introduce the Okcupid people to my blog. I’m not looking for readers, this isn’t a sly way to show you sexy pics. I’m not trying to taunt you with a secret…..but I have to mention it all. It’s become a big part of who I am and what occupies my time. And if someone is the type who doesn’t understand blogging or isn’t on Twitter; if they shy away from sex toys; if they think open communication about sex and wants and needs is weird; if  they’re basically not cool with any of it then it needs to be determined immediately. So it’s there in my profile for them to see and go… “oh, yeah, not my type” or vice versa. I’ve already had a brief talk with a like-minded woman who I can see getting together with on a friend-basis to discuss open relationships and dating women and the like. Those are the kind of friends I want to make in the new city. I absolutely hate that I was never able to tell any of my “work friends” anything about this side of my life. If I had to tell them I was going to NYC I could never tell them why. Even if I could tell them in a way that wouldn’t give away the sex blogger thing they’re all VERY conservative and some are borderline homophobic and intolerant.

Being able to meet up with and talk to fellow bloggers has been my only respite, but it’s never often enough. To be able to speak in person, say the words in conversation, is so….freeing. I can’t quite explain it. I just hope to find new friends that can accept and even embrace this part of my life without them having to be bloggers as well.