It’s been a long time since a sex toy brought forth sheer, bubbling rage. The Shiri Zinn Cupcake Vibrator clearly came from the Sex Toy Gates of Hell. I’m here to banish it.
Everything angers me. The censorship of reviews for this tripe. The price tag. The arrogance of the creator. The vibrations – they are faux-powerful. It sounds rumbly and powerful, but it’s just loud. Even the cutesy, girly-girl femme kitschy look angers me. Why? This is what it reminds me of:
The Cupcake Vibrator really is “life size”, the same size as your average cupcake. It is bizarrely packed in a polka-dotted red tin. Perhaps baked goods like a cupcake coming in a tin is a British thing? I don’t get it1. The leaflet enclosed, though, is nearly as horrifying as the vibrator itself. I read “5 speeds!” and then I think to myself that Shiri Zinn keeps using that word but I do not think it means what she thinks it means. There are two SPEEDS. Low and then high. Then there are three patterns. These make up five settings. Not speeds. There is no explanation to clear up the confusion on just how this stupid cupcake should be applied to your genitals. There are warnings about material care and lube. And then she gets (even more) ridiculous. She tells you not to use rechargeable batteries 2 but then she tells you that you should use the exact, bizarre brand of batteries she included. Which you can conveniently buy on her website. Forget Duracell, forget the super-charged Energizers, folks. Off-brand PKCELL is apparently where it’s at for power. What the actual fuck.
This is the perfect vibrator for people who:
A: can come by having someone blow on their clitoris
B: are into Littles play
C: are into sploshing play
- It’s made of silicone, although it does have a slight odor
- Weak vibrations, which are the strongest in the “wrapper” section, meaning your hand will feel more than your clitoris
- Loud. Cheap/rattly loud, like I would expect from a $15 vibrator
- The cherry on top receives none of the vibrations, the complete opposite of any logic where this “vibrator” is concerned
- The cherry is made of shiny silicone, and it does have a lot of drag3. Please do not apply it to your clit without a half-cup of lube present
- The frosting is the lid, and it easily twists open – it could twist open in mid-use as you try in vain to feel something, anything
- Least ergonomic “sex toy” ever, worse than the iGino One
- Damn near incapable of providing most people with an orgasm
- $45-50 is the average retail price, which is about $40 too much. Fuck you for charging that much.
- Gives “adult novelties” a bad name
- It’s not waterproof, it’s not even splashproof.
- Which means – good fucking luck cleaning the ridges of the cupcake “liner” should you get desperate for something resembling vibration
I at first said that this vibrator is the biggest joke that I’ve ever seen in my reviewing career, but on second thought it’s about on-par with things such as the Screaming O Studio Line Vibrating Makeup Brush (I’m sure I could easily lump the rest of that line, too). The discretion factor is really pumped up hard with vibrators like these, and the Cupcake Vibrator is no exception. From the Liberator.com site:
Whether you’re looking for the perfect bachelorette gift or a treat for yourself, purchasing a “personal massager” can be embarrassing. Not to mention the idea of TSA finding one in your luggage, or your roommate digging the porn packaging out of the trash. Never fear, Cupcake by Shiri Zinn is the discreet, female vibrator that can still delivery a real treat. With 3 different pulsations and 2 speeds, this cute little vibrator provides the perfect calorie free treat. Small enough to fit in the palm of your hand, Cupcake measures 3 x 3 x 2.4″
*gag* Fuck you, Liberator.
From Vibrators.com: ( who, by the way, I now absolutely distrust)
The Cupcake Vibrator is a powerful vibrator disguised as a delicious treat. This luxury vibrator is perfect for intense clitoral stimulation.
No. Just….no. That’s a flat-out lie.
The Shiri Zinn Cupcake Vibrator could not bring me to orgasm. It couldn’t even bring me within a mile of an orgasm. I have determined that it is nothing more than an overpriced gag gift.
Again – is this a cosmic fucking joke? Nope. There are a few interviews with Shiri Zinn on Youtube, and she fully thinks that this is the best thing, like, ever. I fully think that this is batshit insane, and I would never, ever recommend that anybody buy the Cupcake Vibrator. If you’d like to throw money away on a sex toy that doesn’t look like a sex toy for a gag gift, you’ll surely find something under $20. If you really want a functioning sex toy that doesn’t look like a sex toy for reals, there are many valid options out there – the Lelo Mia 2 isn’t bad. Options that will actually bring you to orgasm and not sound like an electric razor are out there, folks. I would say that 90/95% of the vibrators I’ve reviewed are more powerful than the Cupcake, and I’ve reviewed some paltry vibrators. Even the Jimmy Jane Hello Touch and Form 3 had more vibration power than this.
Please, do not waste your money on this cupcake-shaped vibrator. Avoid it. This vibrator actually offends me. Scratch that. The entire brand of Shiri Zinn offends me4.
I acquired the Cupcake Vibrator on my own from an undisclosed source. My opinions are my own, and I tell nothing but the absolute truth – the truth being I absolutely detest this sex toy. Please be aware that there are reviews on the interwebs that have been edited and censored by the maker of the vibrator, in order to put the vibrator in the best light, as well as assure that “classy” reviews are the only thing written (p.s. orgasms are apparently not classy). I acquired this Cupcake so that I could finally bring you the truth. The following other reviewers have words to say about the Shiri Zinn Cupcake Vibrator, words which are also 100% truth, should you want an opinion that is perhaps less filled with hatred than my own:
- Then again I don’t “get” anything about this from concept to actualization, so at least she’s consistent. She has that going for her ↩
- which is true, they really do lack the power oomph that vibrators need, and if you used a rechargeable battery on this thing it would likely have the gumption of a single honey bee trapped inside ↩
- Someone asked me, as I was ranting about it, “is there drag?” Oh yes, it fucking drags like a righteous queen. Except in this case, it’s unpleasant. ↩
- Tell me how much logic was involved in making a ceramic dildo for their strap-on harness? A motherfucking vibrator with a long feather-boa tail because a true lady has no bodily fluids or lube RIGHT? And the Shiri Zinn glass dildos?!?? I DIE. DIE. WHAT. WHY. Bezel-set crystals GLUED on to the top half of a glass dildo. Yeah, I bet that feels really great to hold on to. And how would you even clean that?? These sex toys remind me of the designers who make stuff for high-fashion catwalk shows. You know, the outfits that would never, ever fly in the real world and that no person would ever wear. They’re art. That’s what her overpriced glass dildos are. Art. Not a sex toy. Some companies manage to blend the two seamlessly, but not Shiri Zinn. She’s taken the whole entire fucking point of a glass sex toy, and ruined it – no easy cleaning, no sanitizing, no temperature play. ↩