Women fake orgasms. Not all women or not all the time. It is slowly becoming less prevalent but it still happens. Just a few generations ago women were not taught much (if at all) about their sexuality, their sex organs, or about sex and pleasure. Our grandmother’s mothers probably told them that “sex is for men and making babies”. Virgin brides were worried about it hurting and were told that it would hurt. Word of mouth was all that they knew; if you came from a Catholic family …. forget it.
So a few months ago a post was highlighted either on Facebook or Twitter and I skimmed it and bookmarked it for later; the title, “He Doesn’t Deserve Your Validation: Putting The Fake Orgasm Out of Business”, didn’t leave me feeling negative about the article. I was prepared to write a post agreeing with the author.
I’m not agreeing with the author on many things. I do agree to the basic message though – a faked orgasm doesn’t do us (either person in the equation) any favors. And as soon as I typed that out my brain went “Well…..sometimes it does….”
A woman faking an orgasm is now sort of, just part of the deal, isn’t it? You just do it; it’s almost like something that’s passed down from generation to generation, like makeup tips or a recipe. It’s a gift women give to men, because it’ll just keep him satisfied and calm. Many of the women I’ve talked with see faking an orgasm as a little gift, a favor for the man they’re with. That makes no sense to me. Faking an orgasm is not like making him a snack after he comes home from work or remembering what kind of beer he likes to drink.
Really? A gift to men? I used to fake….a lot. I did not ever view it as a gift to my partner. Did I do it sometimes to keep him from feeling inadequate? Yes. But then again in many aspects of life I’m the one asking “Well what do YOU want to do?” Because I’d much rather go along with their plan and see them happy than me choose the restaurant/movie/place we’re going and feel guilty the whole time because they’re miserable. Is that my responsibility, is that fair? No.I really want to know though what many women this guy is talking to, what their age range is. I am 34 and I have faked orgasms. There ya have it. But I have never and will never qualify doing so as “I did it for him”. For US though? To keep both of our happy glows? Yeah. Mostly. Sort of. Because deep way down at the heart of the matter it wasn’t JUST about avoiding that let-down look of “I’m terrible at sex and now I feel guilty” that would end up ruining what had actually been fun and pleasurable experience and even bonding for me or emotional (It felt good. Great, even, but I couldn’t quite orgasm).
I faked orgasms because I didn’t know how to have one.
In fact, I don’t think I would have recognized an orgasm if it bit me in the face. And when I compare sensations and those little after-shock contractions now vs then….um yeah I actually did have orgasms. The contractions, and especially the twitchy minutes-long aftershock contractions, are never present for me if I didn’t orgasm. Ever. I know this now. I didn’t know it then because I didn’t know how to orgasm. I didn’t know what I needed. I didn’t know how to give it to myself much less ask for it (pre-vibrators). The first boyfriend I had sex with (I was 18) I also watched some soft porn with occasionally. We were horny little bastards. I liked the sex. I liked most of what he did to me. What I didn’t like I didn’t know why I didn’t like it so I couldn’t give him any feedback. Did I see fantasy-world porn and fantasy-world “orgasms”? Yep. Did we both watch that porn and use it as our manual and expect our results to be the same? Yep. I don’t think though that I faked it modeling after what I saw on porn. I think I was mimicking him. His pleasure built and built and built and it was obvious and then….crescendo! angels! choirs! He was exhausted and delirious and right there was the proof positive of his orgasm, filling up the reservoir tip of our condom.
I’ve almost never been with a guy who wasn’t like me in some regard – my pleasure was his pleasure and vice versa, our arousal and enjoyment fed off of the other’s arousal and enjoyment. So yeah he was going to make sure that I came, too.
I was too embarrassed to tell him I didn’t. That I didn’t know how to have an orgasm, that I’d never (to my knowledge) had an orgasm and that frankly I wasn’t positive that I knew where the clitoris was (I didn’t, I found out in my mid-twenties).
I faked an orgasm (or 300) because I was self-conscious and woefully un-sex-educated.
Because even when I would finally learn where things were and what I (or my partner) was supposed to be doing with them I still couldn’t orgasm. I’d get close….and maybe I did actually have a mild orgasm but I didn’t know it. I thought it was supposed to be bigger, better and more obvious. “You’ll know” I was told by the few female friends who had experienced an orgasm. Fireworks. Earth moving1.
I faked orgasms because I didn’t want to explain all of the above.
Many of my “fakes” were faking in the way of saying “Yes I came”. Actually verbalizing the words because I was asked if I had. Did I? No clue. Did it feel realllly fuckin good though? YES. I’ve had a lot of really good sex where he’s hitting my g-spot over and over and it just feels fucking fantastic and I’m vocal about that. My “holy shit”s and “oh fuck yes”es are not theatrics and they’re not lies. It feels awesome. And then he came and it was done and I knew I wasn’t going to come because I just don’t/can’t get there and I didn’t want to ruin the awesome sex and the whole vibe by saying that I didn’t come.
Many women fake their orgasms as a means to end an un-pleasurable sexual process.
Ok….yeah. If it’s a one-night-stand or new boyfriend or whatever…yeah. I will totally fake for that reason. I’d tried the honest route and was met with puppy-dog “Let’s try it again!”. No no, I’m dried up and rubbed raw and no longer aroused.
In the end I appreciate the effort this guy and others are trying to put forth. It’s the thought that counts. Kinda. But seriously, would the people talking about this shit stop fucking assuming that there aren’t a multitude of reasons why we fake and that many aren’t “a means to an end” or “a gift”??? You’re. Not. Helping.
I try to avoid being and sounding prescriptive in my writing, but in this case I am begging women to put the fake orgasm out of business. Men don’t need or deserve more validation—we get it every day, in many different ways.
I do not fake to GIVE YOU VALIDATION.
Most women have yet to discover their true sexual power—not power over others—but the power they can feel within themselves. So when men maintain women by doing a little here and there in the bedroom, and women fake it, it just leads to a diminishing of female power.
No, honey, I just had yet to discover where the fuck my clitoris was, what was required to stimulate it enough to orgasm and that the magic answer for me was “vibrator”2. And once I discovered “vibrator” I had to discover what kind and what style and how best to use it. Some women do that with fingers and tongues. I spent 10 years on fingers and tongues. I should have a fucking PhD in the failure of the application of fingers and tongues to my clitoris.
There are so many women who are going to disagree with me. Am I giving others permission to fake? Well, no. A lot of the women agreeing with the original article all proclaim that they have high sex drives (Hi, me too!). Do they perhaps have higher self-esteem or better sense of self than me? Were they taught or just inately knew all their years where everything was and what you were supposed to do with it? Quite possibly yes to all of those. I have distinct memories of high arousal as a girl and then teenager. But I had no fucking clue what to DO with that arousal. You’re hungry? You eat food, you don’t feel hungry anymore, you feel happy and sated. You have to pee? So go, pee freely, “aaahhh” as it comes out and your stretched bladder feels more normal. But as a woman/girl who just knows that there’s all these feelings and sensations and they generate from perhaps the vulva-region but were not taught that masturbating relieves the built-up sexual tension from arousal and you feel sated like you just ate a chicken after not eating for 2 days.
For men it’s pretty easy. You get aroused and there’s no question about the origin of those sensations because it’s sticking straight out suddenly and so as a kid you touch it and….hey…..please may I have some more? And then oh! There ya go! Isn’t that better? That was pretty easy.
WE AREN’T LIKE THAT.
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Given that my blog address and title both contain the word “dangerous” I get hits from google searches on sexual things being dangerous (or not). Since I talk about vibrators and blow jobs a good bit, these are the two questions that seem to lead the pack.
The Short Answer:
Generally speaking, no.
Oh wait, you want my opinion? Well it won’t exactly be pulpit-pounding preaching, sorry to disappoint ;)
The Long Answer:
Generally speaking, no. The “research” done saying it has long-term harmful effects or harmful effects of any kind are largely based on speculation and opinion. If a woman has it in her mind, wondering, worrying, that maybe the vibrator she’s using is going to bite her in the ass then it will. At least that’s my opinion on some of the reasons why women can think that their vibrators ruined them.
I’m nobody. I’m just a blogger who happens to review sex toys, and use them. I happen to also be a woman who is largely inorgasmic during intercourse. I don’t have a degree in sex education, I’ve not conducted any highly scientific experiments. All I have is my opinion (opinions are never fact) and my common sense.
Carol Queen, however, has a little more wiggle room to weigh in on the topic. She recently wrote a post for She makes a lot of great points throughout the article but I wanted to point out these two:
The fact is, for many women, in particular (though I know men for whom this is also true), using a vibrator is the surest and quickest route to orgasm, to the extent that women who are very orgasmic with a vibe are sometimes not at all (or certainly not reliably) orgasmic with a human partner. People then sometimes assume that the reason is the vibe “desensitizing” the woman to the charms of human erotic interaction.
There’s a big catch here, though, that’s rarely addressed. Lots of the women who don’t come with partners but do come with vibes didn’t stop responding orgasmically during partner sex once they got the vibrator — they were never reliably orgasmic to begin with! The vibrator didn’t change anything, except to make them more able to come when it was used.
Is it possible to engage in, and appreciate and orgasm from, both kinds? Absolutely! And the more orgasmic sexual experiences a person has, the more s/he can learn to respond in both/all ways. The answer to this dilemma isn’t to stop one kind of sexual sensation, it’s to engage in more of the other kinds you want to respond to. Your body actually grows new nerve pathways when stimulated (or when you learn any new skill based in motion or position), so keep engaging in the kinds of partner sex that please you the most — the likelihood that, with time and sufficient arousal, an orgasmic-through-vibration woman will become able to transfer this ability to partner sex is really pretty good.
Every clitoris is different. Some stick out more, some are barely visible. I happen to know a woman whose clit is SO sensitive that she’ll orgasm in less than a minute of any sort of manual/tongue stimulation – she doesn’t exactly view this as a good thing because she’s then maddeningly sensitive for a while thereafter and cannot tolerate more stimulation.
Some women are not as dramatically sensitive but nonetheless have little trouble orgasming from the pressure a pubic bone exerts against her clit during intercourse. Some women, like me, are not very sensitive. That isn’t to say that we don’t enjoy the stimulation….I can be enjoying it massively but it’s just not “enough” to push me over the edge. When I say that I require a vibrator that’s more rumbly and deep and powerful? It’s not the portion of my clit that’s visible that needs it.
It’s the other 90%.
The Glans clitoris is the only portion of the clit that’s visible and able to be stimulated by tongues, fingers, gentle vibrators, etc. So when I say that I need the power of the Hitachi or the Wahl or even the Climax Twist, or the rumbly deep power of the Harmony Bullet….it’s not that my “poor little clit” needs to be rattled beyond comprehension. Its that I need the stimulation to travel to the rest of it.
A recent diatribe against the power tool vibrators listed a sex toy store owner as Exhibit B stating that a number of women returned the powerful vibes saying that they’re overkill, too much power, etc. Ok, but does every *satisfied* customer come back and tell them they’re satisfied?
They’re at home having orgasms.
I’ve reviewed a lot of vibrators that were very nice for other women, but not quite right for me. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to steer everyone clear of those vibes. Nor will I recommend the Hitachi or Wahl for someone’s first vibrator. MY OPINION is just that…… an opinion. I think I can make pretty good educated guesses because I read and listen to both sides. But in the end, all my recommendations have one end result: helping others have orgasms. I will only say “Avoid that vibrator” if the toy overall is of poor quality. But in the end, I don’t care if you orgasm from a toothbrush, your mattress, your finger, a vibrator, or rubbing your thighs together like a cricket.
I wrote recently about how I think that my use of vibrators has made me MORE sensitive and has allowed me to eventually experience orgasms that weren’t attainable before. Given what Carol wrote, that I quoted above, it makes sense. By using vibrators I’ve brought much-needed bloodflow to the area which can help grow and foster more nerve endings over time.
Sure, a vibrator can be dangerous just like a kitten could be dangerous. i.e. by using it improperly: to extreme circumstances, plugged in while in the bathtub, etc. Just employ common sense and you’ll always be fine. Always start out your vibrator-buying journey by reading a lot of reviews from bloggers like me who actually give opinions and not just reiterating specs (You’ll find a ton a reviews to reference over at Pleasurists) and start out slow. Buy a vibrator that most rank as medium and that has more than one power level.
ETA: I found this article on My Pleasure by Dr. Gardos who confirms with his opinion and some research that says (if you read through his kinda confusing overuse of “not only not”s) vibrators are not dangerous and can, as I and Carol Queen there stated above, lead to MORE orgasms. Hey there IS research! Look:
As I have stated before, research (Davis et al., 1996) has definitively shown that the use of sex aids is not only not detrimental to an individual’s sexual functioning or satisfaction, but that, actually, those individuals who use such devices alone also have more frequent and satisfying sex with a partner.
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