Mar 092015
 

Lovehoney Rockbox FingerNo matter how anybody felt about it in use, all reviews about the original Lovehoney Rockbox said the same thing: it was horrifyingly loud. Lovehoney didn’t take that as a negative, apparently, when they created the Rockbox Finger which is shaped like a lazily-crooked giant’s finger which “thrusts”. Thrusting toys somehow had new life breathed into them in the last year or so. The Lovehoney Rockbox Finger is like the Fun Factory Stronic on bath salts – manic, loud, offensive, dangerous and erratic. It is really the polar opposite of the Stronic line. If you thought the Lelo Mona Wave was loud, you ain’t heard nothin yet. I couldn’t tolerate the electric razor sound of the iGino; it made my cats run away. iGino is the sound of a babbling brook compared to the Lovehoney Rockbox Finger. Yes, it’s that bad. It’s louder than the Magic Wand, it’s louder than the Doxy Massager

Somehow…..SOMEHOW…..the very first time I turned it on, the thing decided to act possessed. It would not turn off. The vibrations would randomly slow down, speed up, appear to be doing the cha-cha and then rattle furiously while I kept clicking that button as if my life depended on it. While the husband looked on with mounting irritation and the cats were cowering under the end table, I frantically pulled out the manual which claims that you should press and hold the button to turn it off. NOTHING WORKED. I was exiled to another room; I had to go to the bedroom and shut the door. I was cackling at the absurdity but genuinely concerned because it wouldn’t turn off1.  Finally, finally, the 47th click turned it off. The relief I felt at that moment was immense. Since then, it’s mostly been okay in function. Except for the fact that, despite the video and instructions from another review, the battery cap will. not. budge. So I have to make my assessments and do everything I need to do before the batteries inside die a merciful death.

If you want to hear what the Rockbox Finger sounds like, check out this video. It’s about 1/2 or 2/3rd way through and be sure to turn down your sound!

It’s not often that I find a sex toy with zero redeeming qualities – even when something doesn’t work for me, I can (usually) see how it would work out well for someone else. There was the gag gift, the magnetic horror, this old worthless Extase vibe, and of course those cheap rabbits. And now, the Lovehoney Rockbox Finger.

Lovehoney Rockbox Finger - I PinchWhile the Stronic uses something akin to the Shake Weight to do its thrusting, the Lovehoney Rockbox Finger just moves back and forth. I’ve seen something like this long ago, but at least it was covered in a rubber shell to bridge the literal gap – the pinchy gap. It pinches. Like a crab. It will pinch your finger, your inner thigh, your labia, etc. Whatever skin it is near, it will pinch if you fuck up ONCE. I can assure you that for someone not into pain, the third pinch was the final straw for me. Oh and for all the maniacal “thrusting”? It doesn’t even work. Even just touching my labia, when I tried to use it clitorally, the slightest resistance made it stop because I was holding the handle. If the motion has nowhere to transfer to, it stops. If you hold the handle lightly enough while it’s inserted, then the handle is bobbing away ferociously outside your vag, with some weird rattling vibrations going on inside. It’s flat-out ridiculous. No price is worth it but I’m offended that Lovehoney charges over $40 for it. I’m also offended that of the 14 on-site reviews, you only see the good reviews at first glance. The rest are all warnings and rants, but miraculously there’s just enough to make the front page look positive. What a coincidence! 

Shevibe was considering carrying this atrocity because they’d had a few customers ask for it. They had their doubts, so they sent it to me to get a second opinion. Not only do I think Shevibe shouldn’t stock this, I don’t think Lovehoney should be selling it. This shouldn’t be on the market. IT’S JUST THAT BAD. DO. NOT. BUY. IT. While the price is exponentially higher, many people love the Fun Factory Stronic – consider that one if you want something that thrusts for you. If you want an enlightening experience, thrust your own dildo

  1. There is a very hysterical 2-minute video that starts from the time I’ve exiled to the bedroom, but I’m not sure I can share it because of anonymity reasons