Nov 272009

She always was able to lose herself in a good book. Her vivid imagination painted the scene, conjured up the voices, simulated the emotions. It was a blessing and yet sometimes a curse. As was usual when reading an erotica book, she was able to imagine herself in the scenarios being described. Her most recent acquisition of erotica was no different and she couldn’t deny the throbbing in her cunt. That night, her mind instinctively included Him in these thoughts; but the moment she consciously realized what her mind was doing, she shook it off and kept on reading.

“Must not do that anymore”, she said to herself.

But oh, the pull of her mind, it was too much to deny. She surrendered and let her imagination run free. Just one more time.

As her orgasm built she could practically feel His hand on her throat, his lips at her temple, could almost hear the filthy words he would have uttered at one point. It had been a long, slow climb with an expected grand finish.

The orgasm, however, surprised her.

It was not her cunt releasing fluids and climaxing with pleasure. No, there was wetness but it was not in the right place. As her weak and confusing clitoral orgasm diffused, the tears pouring from her eyes suddenly came into focus.

Instead of the built up sexual pleasure releasing, the blocked heartache released. She let the tears do their thing, she let herself be lost in the emotions and the purging. The  painful, heavy lump in her throat had to be dissolved. She silently wept in the darkened bedroom; tears for the lies she had told herself, tears for the fantasies that would never see the light of reality, tears for the loss of him, tears for what she wasn’t able to give him. Bitter anger for never managing to be “more” than the ghosts of his past; self-defeat for not managing to be enough of……anything, really. So much wrong, not enough right.

When the tears stopped of their own accord, she acknowledged to herself: “That was the last time”.

The last time her fantasies would include him.

The last time she would long for him.

The last time she would cry over him.

She put his shoes away; in a box, in the closet, underneath a stack of junk. Chin up, deep breath…..walk away.

Jul 112009

I’m going to get the “bad news” out of the way first.

Q and I are no longer. Well, that’s not fully accurate. The D/s and sexual side has ended, and we won’t ever be seeing each other even in a “friendly hanging out” sort of way, at least for the foreseeable future. It’s his decision, his demons to battle and in the end….well, he’s doing the right thing. It’s hurtful for me and somewhat for him but for him to ultimately go against that which has made him who he is, would be detrimental. He’s not been innocent in this, but he can’t hit the last proverbial nail in the coffin of infidelity. Our “relationship” is way more complicated than most of my readers know and I won’t be going into it anymore than I have. My friends know and have been wonderful little support pillars.

I need to figure out how to pull out the threads of our close friendship and keep those; burn the threads of anger and hurt; and tuck away the threads of the sex and D/s into a very dark remote corner. I won’t be finding anyone else to fill that bill, I just don’t think I can be submissive like I was with him, with anyone else. Perhaps I will change my mind in time, but submission like that was a big deal to me. A rare gift. He and I will remain friends though, like we have been for the past year. The friendship was always the foundation and the majority of things.

I won’t be writing about him anymore. I’m resisting the urge to close down all posts tagged with him. Seriously pondering how much of a pain in the ass it would be to remove one of those pics up there in my header banner. Or if I should remove the domination/submission click links up there. I don’t even know if I’ll write about dominating women anymore, I’m just not sure at this time.

I don’t want any comments of condolence or opinions on the matter of my whatever with Q, period. I really don’t. It makes it harder. The only ones who were allowed to weigh in with opinions and advice are the friends who know the intricate gory details. To clarify for anybody who somehow didn’t read enough or note little details, Q is NOT my SO, is NOT my live-in partner. That man is still very much here and wonderful.


I’ve got a few notable reviews in the works revolving around the style of vibrators called the “massagers”. These are the big bad boys, some recharge and some remain plugged in. Most are sold in the vanilla world as muscle massagers. First I’m going to do a comparative review all in one post of the Hitachi, the CEN knock-off the Miracle Massager, the Acuvibe and the Acuvibe Mini, and the Ideal. If you happen to own one not listed here AND you also own one or more that I have listed here, please contact me. I’d like to include your thoughts in my post.

Then, the wonderful Drew at EdenFantasys sent me some attachments for said massagers. I’ve reviewed 2 in the past, now I’ve got 3 more that I’ll talk about in a second comparative review.


I’m also considering writing up a short series to help those who haven’t purchased any sex toys in the last decade, or never have bought any, or own only a couple terrible ones.

I’d like to include anal toys for newbies in the list too, but as I’ve never tried any, I can’t recommend. Hoping one of my reviewer peers might pitch in here.


You know….the search terms that lead to my site crack me up sometimes. Other times I think “Wow, sorry buddy, ain’t gonna find that here!”. And other times I’m sickened.

But one frequent search has made me think. I do get numerous hits from some incarnation of the Njoy Pure Wand words. One such search is people looking for videos of the Pure Wand in use. Sorry to disappoint!

I am pondering making a video of it. Not really a porn, per se, more of….an instructional porn. I wouldn’t show my face, I wouldn’t show even all of my body. But I really really want people to not be intimidated by the Pure Wand because it truly is my Holy Grail dildo. So I’m pondering this video, and pondering sharing it only with valid Pure Wand almost-owners as a way to convince them to take the plunge and purchase.

I’m not sure though.