Oct 202011

After our session proposal was accepted I had this big feeling of “oh FUCK why did I do that???” Because I have the worst stage fright / inability to do public speaking / inability to behave normally in social situations.

And then today…..today they released the names of the rest of the presenters. You go take a look through that and then come back here, eventually.

Back now?


Do you see those people??? They’re famous. Or they have letters after their name. Or both. I don’t even know yet what the sessions are going to be, much less the session schedule to know what we’re up against in our time slot, but about halfway through the list three things went through my mind:

  1. I hope I can get somebody else to video record the sessions I wanted to see that will be going on at the same time as ours, so that I don’t miss anything good
  2. The audience for our session will likely be small
  3. Thank god for #2. Any more than 15 people and I’ll likely ask a few to strip to their underwear because I wouldn’t be able to imagine them in their underwear and do a presentation at the same time, my ADD doesn’t allow for such multitasking.

The session AAG and I are doing isn’t intellectual or provocative in the way that most of the others will be. Our session is going to be very slideshow-heavy and I’ll probably make up a something or other to hand out digital session guides with links to all the helpful places we’ll talk about. Our session is “Blogging 202: Take Your Site to the Next Level”. I’ll talk more about it when they officially release all the sessions.

If you think you want to go, you should start saving up now. I remember reading the tweets last year of all the people who regretted not going and I think that it’s going to be an even more impressive and wonderful event this year. Last year they limited the attendees to 250 people….this year it’s 400 people. Wow that’s a lot of people. This year their early bird ticket price will end on January 2nd and I have a feeling that most of the tickets will sell by then. It’s not cheap, but it’s very much worth it – so save up. Buy a few less sex toys or something, lol. REGISTER HERE.

My next step is figuring out how to get there. Can my body handle a nearly 350-mile drive? On major highways that are sure to be subject to traffic delays? Fly…..ehhhh, not so crazy about that idea. Not at all. I could take Amtrak….

Drive – cost of gas, toll on my body at 7 hours of driving, $12/day parking – but I don’t have to worry about lugging around heavy suitcases, which would require to be checked @ airport or lifted higher than I can manage on trains and rails
Plane – not going to find a ticket for less than $300, plus requires a layover in Philly, and then get to the hotel. And deal with TSA. And flying fat.
Train – will take less time than driving, at 5 hours, is affordable at $50 each way. It’ll land me at Union Station which will require 2 MTA rails to get to the hotel. Can I do that without getting lost? Must get a ride to the train station at home both days.

Sep 052011

It’s been 20 years since I started high school. My high school was located in Western PA – I wouldn’t say it was an extremely conservative area but diversity wasn’t a word for us.

There were certain groups/types that I could count the number of on one hand – 4 grades, each with over 500 students.

  • Blacks
  • Overweight
  • Pregnant (I’ll go by per grade, but i think the most overall at any one given time during my 4 years was 10)
  • LGBT and open
  • Poor/very low income families

We were kids; and you know the saying “kids can be cruel” – they can. Overcompensating for their own insecurities. So yeah we gossiped and rumored about who might be gay but it was most certainly never in a positive light. Years later I’ve found out that some from my graduating class were in fact gay. Some we’d had an idea, some were a shock. All kept it fairly secret, though. There wasn’t even a hint of Kurt.

Through a situation that I don’t want to tell the entire story on to protect privacy, I found out that the niece of my old friend is an out lesbian AND has a girlfriend. And she’s a sophomore. Not at the same high school we attended, but in a town very nearby. I was shocked, if I’m being perfectly honest, but absolutely thrilled at the same time. Good for her!! She’d told her aunt that she’d known since she was a child. Her parents though are fairly conservative. Her father is a cop – a tough, daughter-protecting sister-protecting closed-minded rigid conservative. Her mother, I’d always thought, was fairly cool albeit quite religious. I’d wrongly assumed that at least her mother was supportive. It brought tears to my eyes when my friend told me that neither parent was supportive (although I’m not sure what exactly they’re unsupportive of – her being a lesbian or being out or having a girlfriend or all three) and that the only supportive adults in her life were my friend and my friend’s late mother.

Since I moved away (but even then, long before that occurred, we’d drifted apart) I had less and less contact with my friend’s family. I used to babysit for the girl and her sister, but the girl was a toddler back then. When I saw them both last year I was frankly surprised they had much memory of me. Bottom line is – I don’t know her. I’m “facebook friends” with her mom, and reconnecting with her aunt (my friend) but I do not know her. I told my friend to pass along my words of encouragement and support, to let the girl know that I think she’s awesome and brave…so brave. I find myself wishing that I could do more but I can’t. It’s not my place.

I know that bullying is rampant these days, I know that gay teen suicide is huge concern. I know that things are still hard for them. But can we maybe take a small “victory” that they’re coming out in high school years, and that it’s an improvement (albeit a very very slow one) from 2 generations ago?

Baby steps. But I wish they were big steps.

 Posted by at 11:23 pm
Aug 052011

It’s that time again…..much to my severe anxiety. I need to revisit birth control options. For the last 5 years I’ve been on the Mirena IUD. The decision that led to it was that my blood pressure was elevated and my OBGYN was convinced it was caused by my hormonal birth control. Specifically, the estrogen. Unfortunately, they were right. It could have been tied to my weight, but I was unable to lose enough weight to go back on it without my blood pressure going back up. My body wasn’t happy with that, but that’s not at all the point to this post.

When I was given the Mirena it was 5 years ago and new-ish to being prescribed in the US. The doctor I was seeing was head of a department that did clinical trials at their hospital and so I was able to not only get birth control options before they were officially “out” (like Nuvaring and the patch) but if I qualified I could be in studies and get free birth control. Unfortunately, I didn’t qualify for the Mirena study because I’d never birthed a child. Ok…..I wasn’t happy about that, but fine. Except that when it came time for me to be able to have it prescribed, that little fact cost me money.

A lot of money.

You see, because the FDA only approved Mirena for use in women who’ve carried a pregnancy to 20 weeks (my doctor didn’t further elaborate if it had to be a successful, live birth), it’s considered “off label” by health insurance companies when women like me want to use it. Off label usually means it either won’t be covered at all, or I’ll have to pay a huge portion of the cost.

Except, here’s my complaint: The FDA has laid down the law and is limiting my choice. Shouldn’t women be allowed to say “You know what, I waive whatever I need to waive and I don’t ever want children of my own, so the small risk of a sterilizing infection is of no matter to me” to their insurance companies so that it’s not considered off-label and therefore, quite costly. Other IUD’s do not carry this same stipulation; but my doctor feels that I would have better uterine/ovarian health & less issues being on Mirena as opposed to a non-hormonal IUD.

As I approach the procedure date I am not only sick with the anxiety of the level of pain & discomfort the procedure brings me but worried that we’ll have another huge bill. The last time we were able to go on a payment plan directly with the makers of Mirena, but given our low income it practically took as long as paying off a goddamn car.

Jul 142011

I wouldn’t say I’m using Okcupid for dates, per se, right now. I’m just not in a date-like frame of mind anymore it seems. But I AM actively using it to find like-minded friends, even friends with no chance of having benefits on the side. That’s my preference right now because I need like minded friends, live and in person, because I really really badly miss my bubble.

There’s people on OKC who answer a lot of questions, and people who don’t. All I can hope is that they’ve answered the ones that are important to me; the ones that make or break it. These answers have saved me from big wastes of time; once, I didn’t quite listen to the answers and had a 3-month waste of time.

These questions help me weed out people who would find my looks or my availability status to be less-than-ideal. I’ve actually had guys still hit on me when our answers do not match up which blows my mind. Both times when I’ve called the guy out on it they’ve said “oh we can work around that” or “I’m not sure why I answered it that way, I find you attractive”. Most times I don’t bother to call them out on it, I just ignore them (or  in cases or people who looked like we could potentially be a match outside of friendship while doing my own searches, unfavorable answers meant I didn’t message them).

  • Can overweight people still be sexy?
  • If one of your potential matches was overweight, would that be a dealbreaker?
  • Would you consider connecting with someone whose relationship status is ‘seeing someone’ or ‘married’?
  • How willing are you to meet someone from OkCupid in person?1
  • Would you date someone who was already in a committed relationship with someone else?

These next questions help me determine their queer-frame-of-mind, lifestyle and general “If you don’t know this, I can’t know you” fields.

  • Do you ever feel the need to get really drunk? 2
  • Do you believe in dinosaurs? 3
  • To you, is abortion an option in case of an unwanted accidental pregnancy?4
  • “Wherefore art thou Romeo?” What does “wherefore” mean in this context?5
  • Straight women who kiss or fondle each other in clubs in the hopes of attracting men are… 6
  • How important is religion/God in your life? 7
  • Is contraception morally wrong?
  • Which is closest to your reaction to foul language? 8
  • Do you like cats? Would you consider owning a cat as a pet? 9
  • Did you join OkCupid just so you could find people to have sex with? 10
  • The idea of gay and lesbian couples having children is: 11
  • Which best represents your opinion of same-sex relationships?

Some people on the site blow off the “matching algorithm” but I don’t. It’s based mostly on these questions, and they’re usually pretty right. I have, happily, made two female friends that I will soon be meeting in person. I need more female friends in my life. Really do. It can be a bit disheartening when I put so much effort into my profile and making it really “me” and then I find someone who sounds really awesome and we’re a great mathematical match and I message them along the lines of “Hey you’re rad, let’s be friends” (but not as pathetic as that) and then I never hear from them. Puzzling is when I message them and they never respond but I see them checking out my profile once a week or so. No, my fat ass didn’t magically melt off, I am no more attractive to you. Is the “bisexual married to a man” thing going to make a lesbian dismiss me totally even as a friend? So far seems to be the case, unless of course they all just find my personality revolting *shrugs*.

There’s a lot of other questions that I’ve ranked “somewhat important”; they’re not deal-breakers but I still consider them if they give an answer that I didn’t choose as being acceptable to me.

One odd thing to note: Whenever I encounter a person who matches me in either friend/match high 80’s or above, and they’ve answered the “How often do you use Twitter” question is it always answered as “never”. I’ve put it as an important question to me I guess because I’m not sure I’d know how to communicate with someone who isn’t tied much to online/social media.

So if you’re on OkC, what are YOUR deal-breaker questions?

Don’t worry, there’s been enough activity for a Dickhead Files post or two in the near future ;)

  1. The only answer I deem acceptable on this one is “totally willing”, and I even put in an explanation of “If you’re not totally willing, then what the fuck are you doing here?”
  2. often” is unacceptable
  3. “no” is unacceptable
  4. I went into this paragraph-long ranty rant in my explanation for this question directed to those who might answer “no”
  5. I am by no means a student of Shakespeare and I retained very little from High School but for chrissakes if you don’t know that “wherefore” means “why” then I will slap you
  6. anything other than “profoundly annoying” is the wrong answer
  7. “extremely important” is the only wrong answer
  8. if it bothers you a lot, we will have problems
  9. if you truly dislike cats, that’s really not ideal
  10. Answer “yes”? Move along, then
  11. acceptable/unacceptable, you know the right answer in my eyes

My Attendance Is Bad But My Intentions Are Good

 Blogging, Navel-Gazing, personal information, real life  Comments Off on My Attendance Is Bad But My Intentions Are Good
Jun 052011

We’ve officially been in our new house for a month, today. There’s still a good number of boxes that need to be opened, much less things put away. I’m having a hard time with the cleaning and the putting things away – even in our apartment it was hard to keep tidy because, even though most things had a place, there was not enough place for the things. Here….there’s places for things, if I could just figure out where to put things. For example, one doesn’t really understand the importance of a “hall closet” until one doesn’t have a hall closet. When I was growing up, all houses I spent time in had the ubiquitous hall closet. Part linen closet, part miniature first aid triage tent. A small medicine cabinet above the sink just doesn’t cut it.

We’re still in a bit of a limbo, I think, as we wait on a check from my previous employer that will buy us replacement living room furniture. The current stuff is something I was embarrassed to have the in-laws sit on, much less other guests and it’s even grown too uncomfortable for us to tolerate. The furniture has given all it could and now needs to put to rest.

Despite the fact that this house feels like home a hell of a lot quicker than our first apartment did (6-8 months vs 3 weeks), I’m having trouble getting settled. I guess it’s because the ADD-brain of mine can’t relax in this mess but it can’t solve the puzzle, either. I have a number of sex toy reviews to write up but I haven’t even found a home for my toys – most of them are still shuttered away in the upstairs spare room, in bags (as seen below). I have a big series of reviews coming up on the newer range of massager-style vibrators – All in all I have 6 of them that need to be dissected, compared and contrasted to the original line-up of both plug-in style vibrators and rechargeable massagers. It’s a big task full of photos, video clips and spreadsheets. I r srs reviewer. Srsly.

Yes, all these bags are stuffed with sex toys/accessories. Even the box!

So, yeah. I really though I’d be able to blog a lot more with this total about-face way of living but I’ve been finding it even more difficult. When I came to the end of my working days, the end of the last dregs of my life and style of living that had prompted the blog to begin with, I didn’t realize how far removed I would soon become from the person I was nearly 3 years. I do have a blog anniversary coming up this month but for once I’m tempted to let it pass by in silence. I think I need to re-evaluate blogging.

 Posted by at 5:48 pm
Apr 292011

I write this post on my last day of the job I was working when I started this blog. It wouldn’t feel right to not blog today while at work.

Well. Kind of. 2 years ago we were “restructured” and so while I still worked for the same branch and in the same block of buildings, my job duties and the building I worked in changed. And with that change back then also coincided the beginning of changes in what I’d be able to get away with at work. There was a time with a certain man when it was commonplace for me to be masturbating at my desk while chatting away with him or someone else, taking photos to be shared with him, someone else, and/or the blog. Usually all three.

So while I will walk away today from this building and these particular coworkers knowing that it’s not the place I sat the day I first penned this blog, it’s still “the place I started this blog” at. And through fate, and the butterfly effect, it is roundabout because of this blog that I am leaving this job today and this state in a week. This fact alone is utterly mind-boggling to me: that because of connections of connections I made through this blog my life is changing in a hundred ways. I never imagined that anything connected to this blog would have such a huge impact on me but this is the final straw of being proved wrong, and not the first time I’ve been proved wrong on that subject. While this blog is not over, this chapter of my life is and I have changed.

Yesterday I felt compelled to do two things “for old time’s sake”; the things that were once the staple and theme of this blog. I snapped some risky risque shots (to be shown in upcoming WantonWednesday posts), inspired to recreate the first office photo taken. I then pulled out my trusty silver bullet vibrator and orgasmed at my desk, again, one last time. I didn’t do it for the reasons of old…..sadly. I had no chat companion saying dirty things to me, no erotica fiction tumbling forth from my fingertips. And it was with sadness that I realized I had no one to show the photos to, either. Yes, you all….. But back when I was taking these regularly it was always for someone else. A request, a demand, a dare. And this time I had nobody to giggle and send the snaps to. It was a very melancholy realization. The nature and backbone of this blog has changed….for better or for worse, I don’t know. My social-sexual life is nothing like it was that first summer of blogging or the first year even. Will it ever be again? I don’t know.

I’ve always been the sentimental sort. To a fault. I didn’t much like high school; I wasn’t popular, I hated the school itself and the throng of other students pressing around you at all times, I hated the classwork and etc. But yet I still had connections. I still “grew up” there. Had friends. On the last day of high school I cried. I took photos. I looked around at every period of the day with purposeful eyes, trying to memorize everything. I knew that life was changing and even though I was leaving behind a chapter that wasn’t always good to me it still held a treasured place in my life. That’s kind of how I’m viewing this last day. Did I start the blog *because* I worked here? Because of my dire boredom back then? Quite possibly, yes. I started it not long after I found a way around the very restrictive internet policy (I used a remote login site called Logmein.com, and just did everything via my home computer. In later times I would up the security to accessing Logmein from Portable Firefox loaded up on a usb memory key). I browsed OkCupid and made acquaintances that led to me creating this blog. To finding the world of sex-blogging in general. While this city and what we thought we’d get out of the move to here ultimately let us down, I think I’m realizing that it was a necessary step. We were meant to be here at this time. It doesn’t make it suck less, I can’t stop viewing it as somewhat of a stall to our lives (because the progressions and gains that were “supposed” to happen, didn’t)…..but it brought us to this day. To next week. To the next big chapter.

So yes, while I won’t miss much of anything concrete here – (not the buildings, or the way things are run, or the job I did, or most of the people around me, or the office itself, or the commute, or the downtown city, or for that matter our apartment) save for one or two people and the simple convenience of many stores being in a close driving distance – I am a little sentimental about this day. To be certain though I am happy for it’s arrival. I am happy at the prospect of my future after our move, happy to move on from this place and this state and the ideals here.

But I won’t forget what this place did to me, for me, brought me. I have no ties, though, no true friends and no family in this city. The few friends I made here will shortly fade away I’m sure…..and so there you have it.

It’s time to go.


Other than a WW post next week, expect this place to remain fairly quiet yet until we move and get a little settled in. I think both hubs and I have kinda been unconsciously waiting on me to be done with work for the full-throttle srs bzns packing to begin (which doesn’t leave us much time to do it, but then I think we both perform best under pressure).