Apr 162014
 

Subtitled: How to make a sex toy activist have a heart attack
OR
Stupid Human Tricks: Sex Toy Edition
ALSO
Don’t try this at home

In research for my post about wood sex toys, I’ve been spending time on Etsy. There are some whackadoodles and many legit crafters on Etsy, and this of course applies to sex toys. Today, Naughty Reenie pointed me to a whackadoodle of the highest order. I’ll link to the shop at the end of the post, but I honestly don’t want to give this guy too much traffic. I’ve screencapped his wares for you, in case he does finally wise up.  You have to see this. It’s sort of like when something smells really bad, you know? We have this bizarre need to share it with someone else: “ewww man this smells funky! Here, smell this.”

I shared my horror over this on Twitter but now I shall share this with the world 1. I will do my best to describe it visually in the alt tags, Amanda and my other screen readers!

First up, the polymer clay dildos. Nope, they’re not sealed with anything to make them non-porous. Toxic? PSHAW YOU JEST, he sez.  And yes, one of the balls has a crack.

Description from the creator: " Molded as accurately as possible to simulate the real deal. Has a head and everything. I call him Richard! Measurements as follows: 3 inches at widest point, 2 inches at bottom of tip, 5 inches total insertable amount. " Description from Lilly: This polymer clay creation looks like something a child would make. The shaft is lime green with purple striations, and the balls are yellow with brown strreaks. Description from seller: These mystical creatures are rarely seen and never heard from. But I happened to gaze at one for a short time and this is what their penis looks like! Measurements are as follows: 3 & 1/2 inches at widest point, 6 inches total insertable amount." Description from Lilly: It looks like candy, like pulled hard candy that's been swirled. It is pink with some colorful streaks in it, swirled like a "horn" but straight, coming to a sharp point. There's a base, as it this could ever be anal-safe or worn in a harness.

The rest of his creations involve wax. From what I can gather, it seems that they’re made of clay first, molded into a shape, and then covered with white wax that’s been dripped all over it. Because TADA. WATERPROOF! *headdesk*

Description from Seller: This one took 10 hours to sculpt, form and paint. Great for yourself or a friend that wants something a little different. Fairly accurate detail to simulate a penis as close as possible. Waterproof and ready for use.  Measurements are as follows: 3 inches at tip, 4 & 1/4" at widest point, 3 & 3/4" total insertable amount. Description from Lilly: It's very lumpy and bumpy. It looks diseased. Black clay with white wax dripped all over it. It has giant balls, but a tiny head that looks more like a doll head than a penis head.  Description from Seller: That's right! A one of a kind butt plug for any girl or boy. This one is special because it has lumps and bumps built in. It took 6 hours to complete this gem. Waterproof and ready for use.  Measurements are as follows: 4 & 1/4" widest girth, 3 inches total insertable amount. Description from Lilly: It's shaped like the A-Bomb Tantus plug. Reddish brown clay with wax dripped. It is also lumpy and bumpy and crudely made.
Description from the Seller: This is a limited edition scented dildo. It took 8 hours to make and is waxed with a Hawaiian scented candle. Waterproof and ready for use! Plus it smells fantastic!  Measurements are as follows: 2 & 3/4" at tip, 3 & 3/4" at widest point, 4 inches total insertable amount. Description from Lilly: Reddish-brown clay covered with clear wax. Tiny head, big balls, very ugly and lumpy

Not only are these the ugliest things I’ve ever seen, it’s the tip of a delusional iceberg. The creator refuses to believe that there’s anything wrong with using clay, it seems.  Oh and, “anything” can hold on to bacteria if you don’t wash it, so that sex toy specialist was iffy, if you believe him.  Reenie believes in the old adage “you catch more flies with honey”, and she also is a lot more level-headed than I. I  would grab this guy and shake him violently. You can click on the screencaps below to read the artist’s glorious words.

sc1 sc2

Thank the dildo fairies there is no evidence of anyone having yet purchased one of his creations. I would think that most would not, based on the sheer ugliness of most of these, but on the off chance that the “Unicorn Dildo” appeals to someone? Let me point this out to you:

  1. The clay and the paints are probably toxic when used this way.
  2. The clay is very porous.
  3. The whole thing is unstable. At any moment, pieces of material could break off inside your body.
  4. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. DO NOT.

In case you want to visit this shop, or educate the owner, or hey even report it to Etsy, here’s the link to his shop named “The Real Shiz“. CLASSY. FITTING.

  1. or at least the world according to the few who read my blog
 Posted by at 2:17 pm
  • I literally LOL’d at the product description: “Fairly accurate detail to simulate a penis as close as possible.” Delusional iceberg, indeed.

    I’d also like to point out that whatever dyes and fragrance chemicals are in the “Hawaiian scented candlewax” probably aren’t safe for body insertion, but that’s small potatoes compared to the rest of the massive safety problems in these products.

  • Oh, yeah, it’s safe to say everything he uses is highly problematic.

  • I just… No. Just now. When I first saw these I wanted to cry at the very idea that someone thought it’s OK.

    Oh, and any toy will hold onto bacteria if it’s not cleaned? Really? THAT’S his answer to toxic toys?

  • Well, on a bright side, he did take down those paper mache toys right?

  • Clicked on the link to see it all for myself.. and then I read the following..

    “I am sorry to all my fans but I was Cyber bullied by http://dangerouslilly.com/ into taking my naughty items down. Not sure exactly what qualifies her to send me emails about how my toys were unsafe but I truly didn’t feel like getting bullied over them.”

    I truly wonder what’s going on in someones head thinking that these materials are safe, and that one of the most reputable sex toy reviewers pointing the dangers out is cyber bullying. At least he took it all down. I absolutely love Etsy and there are some great artists on there, but he’s clearly not one of them.

  • Funny part is, I actually didn’t send him emails. But whatevs.
    If only I could bully other companies into discontinuing their toxic unsafe toys, I’d feel like I’m accomplishing something in this way.

  • I wish I had seen those, in a way.

  • HOLY SHIT. The wax ones. Oh my god. The cracking white wax looks like a layer of come. IT’S HORRIBLE

  • You’re such a bully. lol Why couldn’t he just be humble and admit that he didn’t know this stuff and he’s glad you pointed it out to him?

  • Oh god, I didn’t even think of that. Now I can’t look at the black and white one without gagging.

  • Do you know how RARE it is to come across a person who is readily willing to say “I was wrong”? This person clearly is never going to be one of those. Ever.

  • He’s probably thinking of like, toilet bowl cleaner commercials, that show all the bacteria growing on toilets or something. I dunno.

  • Camryn Jones

    I kind of think this guy was like, “Bitches love dildos. I’ll make so much money!” *laughs*
    I’m glad you and Reenie said something to him. He needed to know that these were unsafe for intimate use. You saved someone from getting sick, and him from a lawsuit!

  • Heaven

    These toys are all hideous, if anyone brought them I would harp all over them. I can’t believe they just let people sale anything on Etsy.

  • Sarah

    I’m just going to sit in a corner, alternating between crying and throwing up.

  • His “naughty items” are what sex toy nightmares are made of. I am SO GLAD your “cyber bullying” has caused them to be banished. If only you could do this for all toxic toys, as you mentioned!

  • @Epiphora:disqus mentioned this and I am so glad that I am not the only one who thought the white wax looked like a layer of come. I was, literally, just saying the same exact thing to a mate of mine over the phone. It’s just gross and absolutely distasteful. Not to mention that it looks like that if it came it contact with anything it would not be much of a pretty sight at all. And ugh, I cannot be arsed to even begin to even deal with the utter shite he spewed about the Polymer Clay. A lot of his stuff just looks like he didn’t really try to make something worthwhile. I do hope no one has purchased from him.

  • Zen

    Clay ! /facedesk. As a QA Engineer myself.. this just makes me shake my head.. if only ignorance was painful.

  • Wren

    So suddenly calling out someone for producing an item that’s a health hazard to anyone who buys or uses them is bullying? Sounds like someone’s butthurt and trying to summon the white knights.

    When you’ve made an ignorant mistake, admit that you’ve messed up and try to do better or just back out gracefully without acting like a bratty two year old and ruining your own reputation in the process. I’ve learned that most of the time it’s not the mistake that ruins you, but your reaction to being called out on your mistake.

  • nope. condoms aren’t proven to prevent anything from leaching out.

  • Tzipora

    So while this is an old post and old reply I just could not resist pointing out that it’s a rather heroic thing to make a person “butthurt” if it prevents countless others from uh, literal butthurt!

    I just couldn’t resist. ;)

  • Luna X Tick

    I’ve never seen a more fugly dildo… Holy shit.