Dec 162011
 

Women fake orgasms. Not all women or not all the time. It is slowly becoming less prevalent but it still happens. Just a few generations ago women were not taught much (if at all) about their sexuality, their sex organs, or about sex and pleasure. Our grandmother’s mothers probably told them that “sex is for men and making babies”. Virgin brides were worried about it hurting and were told that it would hurt. Word of mouth was all that they knew; if you came from a Catholic family …. forget it.

So a few months ago a post was highlighted either on Facebook or Twitter and I skimmed it and bookmarked it for later; the title, “He Doesn’t Deserve Your Validation: Putting The Fake Orgasm Out of Business”, didn’t leave me feeling negative about the article. I was prepared to write a post agreeing with the author.

I’m not agreeing with the author on many things. I do agree to the basic message though – a faked orgasm doesn’t do us (either person in the equation) any favors. And as soon as I typed that out my brain went “Well…..sometimes it does….”

A woman faking an orgasm is now sort of, just part of the deal, isn’t it? You just do it; it’s almost like something that’s passed down from generation to generation, like makeup tips or a recipe. It’s a gift women give to men, because it’ll just keep him satisfied and calm. Many of the women I’ve talked with see faking an orgasm as a little gift, a favor for the man they’re with. That makes no sense to me. Faking an orgasm is not like making him a snack after he comes home from work or remembering what kind of beer he likes to drink.

Really? A gift to men? I used to fake….a lot. I did not ever view it as a gift to my partner. Did I do it sometimes to keep him from feeling inadequate? Yes. But then again in many aspects of life I’m the one asking “Well what do YOU want to do?” Because I’d much rather go along with their plan and see them happy than me choose the restaurant/movie/place we’re going and feel guilty the whole time because they’re miserable. Is that my responsibility, is that fair? No.I really want to know though what many women this guy is talking to, what their age range is. I am 34 and I have faked orgasms. There ya have it. But I have never and will never qualify doing so as “I did it for him”. For US though? To keep both of our happy glows? Yeah. Mostly. Sort of.  Because deep way down at the heart of the matter it wasn’t JUST about avoiding that let-down look of “I’m terrible at sex and now I feel guilty” that would end up ruining what had actually been fun and pleasurable experience and even bonding for me or emotional (It felt good. Great, even, but I couldn’t quite orgasm).

I faked orgasms because I didn’t know how to have one.

In fact, I don’t think I would have recognized an orgasm if it bit me in the face. And when I compare sensations and those little after-shock contractions now vs then….um yeah I actually did have orgasms. The contractions, and especially the twitchy minutes-long aftershock contractions, are never present for me if I didn’t orgasm. Ever. I know this now. I didn’t know it then because I didn’t know how to orgasm. I didn’t know what I needed. I didn’t know how to give it to myself much less ask for it (pre-vibrators). The first boyfriend I had sex with (I was 18) I also watched some soft porn with occasionally. We were horny little bastards. I liked the sex. I liked most of what he did to me. What I didn’t like I didn’t know why I didn’t like it so I couldn’t give him any feedback. Did I see fantasy-world porn and fantasy-world “orgasms”? Yep. Did we both watch that porn and use it as our manual and expect our results to be the same? Yep. I don’t think though that I faked it modeling after what I saw on porn. I think I was mimicking him. His pleasure built and built and built and it was obvious and then….crescendo! angels! choirs! He was exhausted and delirious and right there was the proof positive of his orgasm, filling up the reservoir tip of our condom.

I’ve almost never been with a guy who wasn’t like me in some regard – my pleasure was his pleasure and vice versa, our arousal and enjoyment fed off of the other’s arousal and enjoyment. So yeah he was going to make sure that I came, too.

I was too embarrassed to tell him I didn’t. That I didn’t know how to have an orgasm, that I’d never (to my knowledge) had an orgasm and that frankly I wasn’t positive that I knew where the clitoris was (I didn’t, I found out in my mid-twenties).

I faked an orgasm (or 300) because I was self-conscious and woefully un-sex-educated.

Because even when I would finally learn where things were and what I (or my partner) was supposed to be doing with them I still couldn’t orgasm. I’d get close….and maybe I did actually have a mild orgasm but I didn’t know it. I thought it was supposed to be bigger, better and more obvious. “You’ll know” I was told by the few female friends who had experienced an orgasm. Fireworks. Earth moving1.

I faked orgasms because I didn’t want to explain all of the above.

Many of my “fakes” were faking in the way of saying “Yes I came”. Actually verbalizing the words because I was asked if I had. Did I? No clue. Did it feel realllly fuckin good though? YES. I’ve had a lot of really good sex where he’s hitting my g-spot over and over and it just feels fucking fantastic and I’m vocal about that. My “holy shit”s and “oh fuck yes”es are not theatrics and they’re not lies. It feels awesome. And then he came and it was done and I knew I wasn’t going to come because I just don’t/can’t get there and I didn’t  want to ruin the awesome sex and the whole vibe by saying that I didn’t come.

Many women fake their orgasms as a means to end an un-pleasurable sexual process.

Ok….yeah. If it’s a one-night-stand or new boyfriend or whatever…yeah. I will totally fake for that reason. I’d tried the honest route and was met with puppy-dog “Let’s try it again!”. No no, I’m dried up and rubbed raw and no longer aroused.

 

In the end I appreciate the effort this guy and others are trying to put forth. It’s the thought that counts. Kinda. But seriously, would the people talking about this shit stop fucking assuming that there aren’t a multitude of reasons why we fake and that many aren’t “a means to an end” or “a gift”??? You’re. Not. Helping.

I try to avoid being and sounding prescriptive in my writing, but in this case I am begging women to put the fake orgasm out of business. Men don’t need or deserve more validation—we get it every day, in many different ways.

I do not fake to GIVE YOU VALIDATION.

Most women have yet to discover their true sexual power—not power over others—but the power they can feel within themselves. So when men maintain women by doing a little here and there in the bedroom, and women fake it, it just leads to a diminishing of female power.

No, honey, I just had yet to discover where the fuck my clitoris was, what was required to stimulate it enough to orgasm and that the magic answer for me was “vibrator”2. And once I discovered “vibrator” I had to discover what kind and what style and how best to use it. Some women do that with fingers and tongues. I spent 10 years on fingers and tongues. I should have a fucking PhD in the failure of the application of fingers and tongues to my clitoris.

There are so many women who are going to disagree with me. Am I giving others permission to fake? Well, no. A lot of the women agreeing with the original article all proclaim that they have high sex drives (Hi, me too!). Do they perhaps have higher self-esteem or better sense of self than me? Were they taught or just inately knew all their years where everything was and what you were supposed to do with it? Quite possibly yes to all of those. I have distinct memories of high arousal as a girl and then teenager. But I had no fucking clue what to DO with that arousal. You’re hungry? You eat food, you don’t feel hungry anymore, you feel happy and sated. You have to pee? So go, pee freely, “aaahhh” as it comes out and your stretched bladder feels more normal. But as a woman/girl who just knows that there’s all these feelings and sensations and they generate from perhaps the vulva-region but were not taught that masturbating relieves the built-up sexual tension from arousal and you feel sated like you just ate a chicken after not eating for 2 days.

For men it’s pretty easy. You get aroused and there’s no question about the origin of those sensations because it’s sticking straight out suddenly and so as a kid you touch it and….hey…..please may I have some more? And then oh! There ya go! Isn’t that better? That was pretty easy.

WE AREN’T LIKE THAT.

 

  1. That bit came later, courtesy of Mr. Pure Wand and the accompanying vibrator of choice
  2. Please take note of the “for me” in this answer and note that I did not say “for everyone” or “for you”.
  • Ms.Inconspicuous

    My primary reason for faking an orgasm: Because I’m perfectly satisfied and I don’t want to get stuck in the “OMG, what if I can’t come” mental loop which will ensure I *don’t* have an orgasm.

    I like a guy who is interested in my pleasure, and sometimes there’s nothing you can do to convince a guy that sex felt just as good without orgasms as it would with. (I’m not even lying a little bit. The orgasm is *nearly* irrelevant to me.)

    When I fake it *I* stop worrying about it. Then, usually, I’ll have a real orgasm or two.

    ~ YES. this. You know, it took me a LONG time to understand that my husband feels the same way about sex and particularly blowjobs. Well mostly blowjobs (I mean, that it’s pleasurable and doesn’t require an orgasm). He had a long time period where his medications or lack thereof (dopamine disorder) made orgasm difficult. Sex felt wonderful, he wanted it, but he couldn’t come. At first I took it personally, like I wasn’t hot enough or good enough or whatever. It’s somehow ingrained in us.

  • Lara

    I skimmed the article, so I may have missed some key points. While I think the author was well-intentioned, it was misguided on a number of levels…I was particularly offended by the section where he stated a woman’s sexual identity is the most fundamental part of her identity, whether she knows it or not. The absolute lack of correlation between that sentence/statement and any sort of factual evidence is problematic.

    Here’s the thing…women don’t need to justify why the fuck they fake orgasms. Whether it’s a matter of wanting to make her partner feel good (let’s not forget…it isn’t just hetero women who fake orgasms…) or because she was a victim of sexual assault and doesn’t want to explain to her partner that she is incapable of having a orgasm for whatever reason…it isn’t his business! Do I also need to tell you that I was thinking about my hot neighbor while I was fucking you? Or would that “invalidate” you?

    I am so sick of this type of article. It is nothing more than a patronizing, condescending and thinly veiled attempt at giving women “permission” to do something.

    ~I very much agree with that last sentence. His article really DOES smack of “mansplaining” doesn’t it….

  • http://mydissolutelife.blogspot.com N.

    I have faked exactly two orgasms, and I’m a guy. In each occasion, I found myself unable to cum, due to some combination of medicinal side effects and lack of enthusiasm my side/lack of skill hers, and it just seemed… easier… than explaining that I knew I wasn’t going to cum, but that I wanted to stop. Orgasm-focused sex breeds fake orgasms; fun, communicative sex breeds orgasms, except when it doesn’t, and even then, it breeds fun, communicative sex….

  • btrlatethanneve

    Thank you for writing this. Here here! I agree to it all.

  • Nerdy Wife and Funny Husband

    Thanks for sharing. I’ve never faked an orgasm with Funny Husband because I want him to really know what I enjoy and what I don’t as much. With someone I’m just going to sleep with once, then I usually fake it.

  • http://www.spiritualbdsm.com/ Michael Samadhi

    My 2nd wife admitted to faking a few times near the end of our marriage. She blamed me of course, said she simply didn’t want to deal with me pounding away forever waiting for her, so she faked so I’d get it over with . . .

    At the time she said it, it stung.

    Now a few years after the divorce, I think it’s funny.

    Michael Samadhi
    SpiritualBDSM.com

  • Anon

    Oh God, this is me. I’ve never orgasmed, ever. There was a time where my partner brought me close, and I said I wasn’t sure, but I think I had, and from then on I’ve faked orgasm with pretty much all activity because I don’t really want to admit that I don’t know how. And I know where my clitoris is, I just can’t get myself there alone, let alone with someone else. I need a vibrator…

  • m

    yes. this. although i rarely ever faked an orgasm because i am one of those fortunate beings who come pretty easy. even if the guy is crap (which only happened once to me, i just “do” the contractions, which leads me to an orgasm anyway. not a world shaking one, maybe, but nice enough. having said that, i have had more night stands with already two guys, who both just don’t come. not while having sex, not while me giving them a bj or hand job. not at all. they only come by themselves. and yes, at the beginning it felt weird to me. at the beginning i was not sure if, what we had, was enough for them. but i just got used to it. and it should be the same, the other way round. if the person obviously is happy, who cares if there was an orgasm or not?!? get over it.
    and just as a disclaimer: i don’t tell anybody that faking an orgasm is necessarily a bad thing. i would not like my partner (no matter if male or female) to do that to me. but that’s just me. and i’m of course not sure if i would notice….