Dec 312011

Every year the sex toy industry grows and, hopefully, matures beyond jelly rubber/phthalates as their stand-by breadwinner. Sometimes the best innovations are not really much more than a slight re-do. The failures of the year include things that were never tried before – innovation was their downfall. To be fair, it wasn’t the whole “let’s try something new” that was the failure it was the “Did you people even test this shit?” aspect. Beta is fine for online computer games, not sex toys.

The Best New Sex Toys in 2011

I’m keeping this sub-list down to the best sex toys that came out this past year (or at least I’m pretty sure these did)

Rechargeable silicone dual action vibrating stimulator with powerful independent dual motors, one in the stimulator and one in the tip. Double penetration vibrating dildo with smooth shaft that provides fullness in the vagina, while the soft, flexible beads stimulate anally,  made of Tantus’s own unique blend of 100% Ultra-Premium Sil The E-sensual bullet is a powerful vibrator that is powered by your computer. The silicone Flurry is an anatomically targeted Tantus product made specifically to stimulate the G-spot. Flurry's tapered shape features a bulked up base perfect for harness play. Small, elegant and discrete clitoral stimulator covered in smooth soft 100% body safe silicone, with 5 levels of surprisingly strong vibrations , starting with a nice low rumble + 5 different pulsing Worn while making love, the We-Vibe 3 boasts more power, a fully waterproof design, a convenient wireless remote control, and a wireless charger base. A multiple girth G-Spot massager with 7 functions of vibration and 2 stimulating ends, made from phthalate and latex free body-safe A.B.S. plastic with satin smooth coating.

Vanity VR6 by Jopen – The vibrator that made me realize I could love internal g-spot vibrations. Sadly it is the only one in the entire Vanity line that packs the rumbly power punch – the rest have power, yes, but none are quite as Rocky Balboa as the VR61. It’s still not the perfect Rabbit-Style vibrator but it’s something I’m willing to overlook for how HOLY FUCK YES it stimulates my g-spot just by sitting there, vibrating.

Flex Double Penetration by Tantus – I won’t be using it personally but I do own one and have read the reviews. It’s a vibrating dildo with a rabbit-esque attachment of firm “anal beads”. It’s probably one of kind at this point. And it’s silicone, one of the only materials you should put in your ass! Use the included RO-80 bullet vibe for a little something extra or get the Tantus suction cup attachment for more fun.

 E-Sensual USB-Powered Bullet – My new favorite bullet, a close second to the Black Magic Bullet. It’s rumbly and it’s a powerhouse and it allows me to forget about batteries when I jerk off at my usual location – in front of my computer. It can be modified to grab it’s power from an electrical outlet  if you have a smartphone outlet charger and you’ll probably want to pick up a $5 USB extension cable if you want a little freedom from the cord length.

  Tantus O2 Flurry – Really firm core surrounded by plush, softness. Pure silicone, of course. Great base, good size, just all around awesome. O2 Cush for more girth is equally awesome, but load up on the lube. The base is a natural suction cup on the right surface.

   Honorable Mentions:

 Je Joue Mimi – Finally a rechargeable vibrator with a moderately-strong and rumbly, deep motor. It’s not ideal because the buttons are a bitch and for me the magnetic charger easily disconnects. It has flaws but sometimes the motor (intensity and vibration type) can throw out bonus points that make you overlook certain things.


We Vibe 3 – The minor improvement to the motor’s intensity and the addition of the remote are good upgrades for those that already like this toy or almost loved the previous version.  Simple, but at least you don’t want to throw it at the wall like some other couples vibes we know.


Sweet Embrace – Vibrations that get me off, but it’s poorly designed. I adore it for many reasons but none of them are what it was made for (g-spot massage). It’s an inexpensive vibrator that can be unscrewed in the middle for travel and produces fairly powerful, rumbly vibrations. It’s also a serviceable g-spot dildo in a pinch.


The Worst Sex Toys of 2011

Lelo Tiani and the entire Insignia SenseMotion line – The level of disappointment and frustration can’t even be summed up here. Lelo totally bombed here. Between the lackluster vibrations, the remote from hell, the fact that the vibrator just SHUTS OFF if you lose signal to the remote AND YOU WILL, and the high price tag it’s the most hyped thing this year that flopped so horribly. If wishes, hopes and dreams could rescue a sex toy from abject failure then the Insignia line as a whole would have magically been exactly what we expected. But it wasn’t meant to be.

Picobong – The whole fuckin line. Yet another Lelo fail. Marketed towards, I think, younger people? They are a more affordable line from Lelo that seems to be designed by someone not human2. Typical buzzy & weak vibrations mock you behind the cutesy exterior, and every insertable model makes you want to scream because the buttons to control it are now inside you.

The Studio Collection’s Vibrating Brush from Screaming O – Touted as vibrators that could be mistaken for makeup in your purse. But oh! no! Better than the crappy predecessors! I don’t think so. What makeup brush do you own has no bristles? The fake bristles (along with “Screaming O” on the handle) absolutely shot the whole “vibrator in disguise” thing totally out of the water.

Club Vibe 2.Oh – Like the Sensemotion line from Lelo, Ohmibod’s wireless sound/music responsive “public” vibrator is wonky at best, according to all the reviews. Weak and buzzy yet loud and irritating. It had potential…oh they all do, really. But what club-hopping chick is going to want a fairly large hard plastic vibrator shoved in her panties when she’s probably wearing something skimpy and revealing?



Best Discovery of 2011

My best “where have you been all these years??” discovery that didn’t come out this year but I should have tried it ages ago: Mystic Wand. Gotta be honest, I don’t even touch my Hitachi these days. Or Acuvibe.

  1. This is fact and is admitted by the manufacturer, BMS. Yeah I know it’s put out under CalEx’s label but trust me
  2. Because humans don’t have a “C-spot” and can’t push buttons on sex toys that are buried in their ass or vagina
Dec 282011

L'amourose MAE+ on the left, Marc Dorcel Secret Remote Control Vibe up top, and the We-Vibe 4 Plus on the right

SPECIAL NOTE: While this post was originally written in 2011, it has been heavily updated over the years. So if you’re here in 2016, rest assured that everything here is still relevant. When a new remote-controlled toy comes out and I have had the opportunity to review it / feel it and can talk about it here, I do so. The recommendations here are not out-dated.

Remote control vibrators have an appeal that is special and can be something really awesome & kinky for certain folks (public sex toy play is very fun). I get a ton of people asking for recommendations on a really good model; you’ll see plenty of cheapies and definitely plenty that cost well over $100 so how are you to know which is worth the time and money? Hopefully I can help steer you on the right path and save you money and disappointment. Let me assure you, there’s more disappointment in this niche of sex toys than anything else. WHY is it so damn hard for a company to come out with a really awesome remote control vibrator? Honestly I’ve yet to come across one that meets the Remote Controlled Vibrator Holy Trinity.

First, you have to determine where you want most of the vibration (vaginal/g-spot, clitoral, or anal) and then determine if you actually want to be able to orgasm in public or you’re just looking for a tease. Just looking for a tease? You’re in luck because that’s about all many of these are capable of unless you’re very sensitive and find it easy to orgasm. So to me, a really good remote controlled sex toy has these three features nailed down – aka the Remote Controlled Vibrator Holy Trinity:

1. A remote that allows the remote-holder to know what the toy-wearer is feeling – they need to know when it’s on, when it’s off, what level of vibration it’s on, etc.

2. A remote that works from across the room, or 20 feet away while the person is in any position and wearing clothes – I’ve had a few that work fine if I’m spread-eagle and naked but since many people want this for public play…..that doesn’t work.

3. A design that fits and vibrations that feel good – why the fuck is this so hard? Who is designing these? Klingons?

What the Hell is Happening Here

Let’s talk about the first one. A common complaint with many wireless remote controlled vibrators is that the remote control holder doesn’t have a damn clue what’s going on. They push a button and that’s it. Lelo, as you all know, set out to majorly change that and give the person holding the remote a much more active role in the process with their Sensemotion technology. The Club Vibe 2.OH from OhMiBod has a remote that kinda fixes that…except that it lights up, the remote is huge and it’s not at all discreet. The Club Vibe (both original and 2.Oh) is buzzy and weak, it looks uncomfortable and the 2.Oh has a button you must push on the vibrator to start it up and it lights up, too. I hope you don’t wear this in public with clothing that would show the lit up button through it! The Marc Dorcel Secret Vibe (the secret being that achingly boring vibrations) has been the only vibe I’ve come across in the under-$100 category that had a decent remote – small, unobtrusive, didn’t light up or vibrate but it had an LCD panel that told me what was going on.

One last problem – most of these don’t tell the controller if the connection to the vibrator has been lost.

Many of these wireless remote controlled vibrators take batteries – weird batteries, lots of batteries and go through them at a rapid pace, so that’s another thing to keep in mine.

Bluetooth and Smartphone Apps

Newer versions are starting to use Bluetooth and can be controlled with an app which is really great in theory but so far isn’t working out. I couldn’t get the We-Vibe 4 Plus to reliably keep the Bluetooth connection, and I’m not alone in this problem.  I haven’t tried the blueMotion Nex 1 but the design requires panties (like the Club Vibe 2.OH design) and also won’t work for people with full labia and buried clits. Looking at the Google Play Store, both apps for We-Vibe and Ohmibod only rate about a 3.5 out of 5, with a lot of complaints that things just aren’t working the way they should. Another line of vibes with a Smartphone app is the new Je Joue Nuo and Duo – but the app is currently only available for the iPhone. WTF! In an age where plenty of people are using something other than an iPhone (like me!) this is a pretty dumb move. I won’t even review these until they make an app for Android.

A Remote That Works

So far, the Lelo Sensemotion line has the only remote I’ve experienced that kept a connection through flesh, clothing and across a room. It even worked from another room for me. I liked the Tiani design best; I don’t feel confident that the Tiani 3 has better vibrations than the Tiani 2, plus that boxy clitoral part may or may not be better. It is available in Canada and perhaps for less given the dollar conversion.

Just because a vibe has an app, doesn’t mean it’ll work – see also: We-Vibe 4 Plus review. I couldn’t even insert the We-Vibe the way it was meant to be inserted; as soon as I did it would drop the connection. Many other remote control vibrators are the same way, and the remote only works if I’m naked and legs-spread. Fail. The updated We-Vibe Sync isn’t much better for connectivity.

But What About the Vibrations!

So what if the Lelo Lyla 2 has a remote that lets the remote-holder know what’s going on and works through clothing, flesh and even a wall? If you’re looking for anything beyond a tease or you need more power, then you’re not going to love the Lyla 2. But if the tease factor is it? Go for it. The style is meant to be worn vaginally but that would be a total waste on me – so a snug pair of panties will keep it in place clitorally for most people well enough.

The We-Vibe 4 Plus’s vibrations were utterly boring to me, but sensitive folks might be more excited.  The vibrations from the L’amourose line are pretty powerful, but the designs work best for people who don’t need pinpoint stimulation and whose clitoris is more exposed.  The Marc Dorcel Secret Vibe was atrocious, so so piddly.

Remote Control Vibrators to avoid:
  • Anything by Bnaughty – the vibrations are piss poor and the remote is crap on the cheaper one, and doesn’t work through clothing on the pricier one.
  • Anything by CalExotics –  Whether it’s a gimmicky panty vibe or horrible butterfly, Dr Berman branded or their overpriced Embrace line, the quality is bottom of the barrel. Do not waste your money.  The vibrations are going to be surface-buzzy and weak, the unit will break easily and the remote will not work as advertised.
  • Anything from Pipedream and their Fetish Fantasy line, for the same reasons as I list for avoiding CalExotics.
  • I’ve heard more negative reviews than positive about the gimmicky Lelo Hula Beads and of course, avoid that damn Lelo Ida
  • Due to my own experiences and those of readers, I can’t recommend the We-Vibe 4 Plus – issues with connectivity and the vibrations? Yawn.
  • As mentioned above, the Marc Dorcel Secret Vibe or the anal version, Genius Secret Vibe – too weak and buzzy
  • Anything under $50. So far, not a damn one under $50 has been worth 5 cents.
  • Jopen Envy 15 – I had high hopes, but the vibration placement is stupid, the vibrating portion glows red and the remote is fucking dumb. BUT the motor is super powerful. It’s the most powerful of those listed. My reasons for hating it are complicated and some might be body-related and wouldn’t bother you as much. I recommend reading the review if you’re looking for something under $100.
Remote Control Vibrators to consider:
  • Lelo Lyla 2 – the vibrations aren’t super-powered but it’s the one in the line that might work for you. I would find a way to use it externally with a pair of snug panties, personally. Quiet, and the remote (which vibrates normally) can be turned to stealth mode. 
  • Consider the Lelo Tiani 2 or 3. Again, it’s not powerful in vibrations, but they’re a little better than the We-Vibe, plus I liked the fit of the Tiani 2 better than the We-vibe. Quiet, and the remote (which vibrates normally) can be turned to stealth mode.
  • L’amourose’s line is decent, preferably the Mae or Lana – the bullet is very powerful and the remote is a little weird to use at first, plus it’s big. Also, the remote-holder doesn’t fully know what remote-wearer is feeling. If it had a functioning smartphone app, it would be pretty great. Apparently this wasn’t selling well and the first run remotes didn’t work at all, so most stores have discontinued it.
  • Je Joue Nuo or Dua – I’ve heard good things about the vibrations. The pen style remote is wonky, but for iPhone users the app seems to work pretty well.







Black plastic bullet with control pack with velvety texture. Plastic vibrator kit that includes: a traditional vibrator, a pocket rocket, a bullet and controller and a 1 oz. water-based lubricant. Harmony Powerful waterproof bullet with two speeds


Dec 202011

I’ve been talking a LOT about sex toys lately, I know. Bear with me :)

California Exotics USB-Powered E-Sensual Bullet Vibrator

The other day while browsing new additions to EF I stumbled across this bullet vibe from CalExotics that is USB-powered. No, not USB-rechargeable. USB POWERED. I read the reviews, many of which made me a bit irritated so I immediately bought this thing myself just so I could get across one major point:

It can’t be listed as a “Con” (in the Pros and Cons of the review template) if it was never meant to do that by design. No batteries? No suction cup? WTF?

Moving along. A comment made by many people who commented on the previous reviews was “Looks interesting, but I don’t want to be tied to my computer” to which I say: “Why would you buy/consider this then?”1. If I had no electrical outlets in my house, I wouldn’t even contemplate buying a rechargeable vibrator or a plug-in vibrator. Same same.

Okay, really, moving along.

THIS BULLET IS FUCKING AWESOME. WHERE HAS IT BEEN MY WHOLE LIFE?!?! And by whole life I mean “while I was working at my old job and used to jerk off at my desk a LOT“. I can’t even tell you how many times I would run out of batteries there; this would have solved the problem 100%. Now that I no longer am in that situation one would think that this vibrator wouldn’t be as useful to me, but you’d be wrong. I have to admit that the place I most frequently masturbate these days is at my desk. In fact I only leave my desk if I require the use of a different toy or want to use my Pure Wand (it works better for me if I’m laying down). Otherwise I sit here with a trusty bullet vibe tucked down in my panties / whatever I’m wearing while I browse my Tumblr porn and read hot blog entries and so on; I usually have a very lovely hands-free orgasm.

That is, of  course, until I run out of AAA batteries for my Black Magic bullet vibrator. But no more! The E-Sensual bullet vibrator is REALLY powerful. It’s so powerful that the rumbly-ness of the first level becomes a touch buzzy at the top speed (which is like, whoa, some days even I can’t take it) but it’s still getting me off fabulously. It has 3 patterns and, perhaps because of the rumbly and the intensity, I actually like and use the patterns. I know, right, who am I?!?

The argument of “I don’t want to be tied to my computer” doesn’t hold water for anyone willing to A: Shell out another $10 and who B: has a smartphone. My phone came with this nifty wall charger that actually has a USB-toMicro-USB cable. I removed that cable and plugged in the bullet vibe and IT WORKED. It was also even more powerful, if that’s possible. I haven’t gotten an answer yet from CalEx if this is bad for the toy. Then I did some thinking and remembered that my Bluetooth headset came with a mini USB-to-Micro-USB cable and a car charger that you plugged the USB end into. Voila! You can use your E-Sensual vibe in the car now! So we have computer/laptop, wall outlet, and car charger. ETA: I bought all the necessary cables and USB gender-changer adapters just to find out that it won’t run off of your smartphone’s micro-USB port. Sad, but oh well. We still have extension cables, wall outlets and car chargers! 

If you jerk off at your computer, just buy the damn bullet. For the minor faults that I wrote about in my onsite review it is still utterly worth it for folks like me. And it’s affordable. Even with the cables and accessories. (The cable is a bit short for many desktop computer users but again you can buy an extension cable for like less than $6 on Amazon.)

PicoBong: A line of cheap toys that are about as disappointing as I expected

To be fair I’ve only tried one but let’s be real here: I only need to try one. Epiphora and SugarCunt confirmed that the annoying Kiki 2 is cute but weak and disappointing. Which is exactly what the Picobong Honi is: Stupidly designed, surface-buzzy as hell and not very strong. I knew this before I bought it. I did. But again, I think I wanted it just so that I could write a review that didn’t focus on using the goddamned thing internally. I mean seriously, why would you once you see the controls?? Just because it has a “retrieval cord”? Just because Picobong stupidly claims it can be used internally? If they meant for it to be used internally, why oh why would they put the control buttons on the side of the bullet? Is this suddenly now a game to see if you can clench your PC muscles enough and in the right location to change the vibration while it’s inside of you? Wow. Dumb. If they hadn’t actually said on their awful site that it was an external bullet it wouldn’t be quite so bad. They say you should set it and then insert it (duh). So if you wanna change it up, you have to take it out, covered in fluids, and change it? Riiiiight. And the indented PicoBong name and buttons are a bitch and a half to get clean. The cap also is really, really difficult to get on straight and tight enough for me to believe that it really is waterproof. I don’t see an o-ring. I turned it on and dropped it in a sink of water. At first I thought it was dead because I saw no ripples in the water (and it wasn’t very deep). But no, it was running. After a few minutes I took it out and dried it off, opened that cap and sure enough there was some moisture.

What do you get when Lelo tries to create something “affordable” for the younger crowd? You get a box that’s flimsier than the cheapest toy companies and a battery-operated poorly-designed dud. Lelo seems to be intent on never offering anybody any real stimulation to write home about. OH! And just to make you feel better about spending the money on this thing they’ve included a FUN DICE! (Die? Singular?) It has vague images of their various toys on it instead of numbers or anything. Which is…..I….I don’t even know. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this thing? Do they intend for it to be like Pokemon and we collect the entire line of crap and then roll the dice to come up with our playtime rotation? Because each one will come with the same damn die so you’ll then have half a dozen worthless dice. So you’re holding this thing and wondering what the fuck to do with it. You go to their website and you find where they talk about it, finally, and first you find a Pacman-like game on the site (yawn) and then somewhere (I can’t even find it now) there’s a “So what do I do with this die?” FAQ questions and their answer is “We were hoping you’d tell us!”


The whole site irritates the shit out of me. Everything about it. Everything about the toys. ENOUGH WITH THIS “C-SPOT” shit! And to top it off, the toys are still overpriced for what they are. In fact, here’s one for $20 that’s probably better, but similar concept and design.

So there you go. One post, two bullet vibes, polar opposites. The CalEx (I know I’m almost choking endorsing something by them) E-Sensual USB Bullet Vibrator is fucking awesome; while the PicoBong by Lelo Honi Bullet Vibrator is an annoying piece of junk.


Post sponsored by: EdenFantasys (What this means), a sex toy store

  1. Except to the people who review everything just because they have to review everything and are total sex toy geeks which if so, then that’s ok, because we need more sex toy geeks
  2. and their prolific use of the head-bashing term “C-Spot”; PicoBong/Lelo, you dumbasses, it is not young or hip to change “clitoris” to “C-spot”

Ask Lilly: What’s the strongest G-spot vibrator?

 Ask Lilly  Comments Off on Ask Lilly: What’s the strongest G-spot vibrator?
Dec 192011

EDIT for 2016: This post has been completely re-written because I’ve finally found vibrators worthy of the title.


Recently a reader happened across my review for the Jopen Vanity VR6 where I said that the internal portion of the dual-stimulator was THE STRONGEST vibrator I’d ever had the pleasure of feeling inside of me and it suddenly changed my views on internal vibrators. Of course, I’m still not going to like anything that’s not as strong as the VR6, but I can see why women do like internal vibrations now (I never did before, I guess I require more power there, too. Lovely).

Said reader asked if this was true, if the VR6 really and still was the most powerful g-spot vibrator and I still say yes: But the only drawback is that it isn’t just a g-spot vibrator, it’s a dual-stim rabbit style vibrator and if you don’t enjoy the clitoral portion then it does take away from the awesomeness a bit. Fair reader had tried out g-spot attachments for the Hitachi Magic Wand, knowing that the Hitachi is pretty fucking powerful but found out that all that power at the head doesn’t really translate to the same amount of power when it has to travel through solid silicone attachments. Powerful? Sure. Enough? Not for us.

So in order to give her some more choices I did my research and found this bit on the PowerBullet site, saying that all their PowerBullets and toys that use them are powerful but that two toys stand out as having a little more oomph. The VR6 is one such toy. The other one is a smaller massage-style vibe. I remember when I snagged another Jopen Vanity vibrator, the VR2, I hoped to find the exact same internal power without the clitoral arm to get in the way. And I was let down. But I know, now, that the VR6 is a unicorn. It’s rumbly and so powerful and so so good that it kind of removes your ability to speak.

BMS Enterprises, maker of the PowerBullet: I implore you and fellow toy makers to please, please make a plain g-spot-only vibrator with the power of the Vanity VR6. PUHLEAASSE. I’ll worship you. Edit: They tried. They failed because it’s a straight vibe, not G-spot, and the Envy Three has so many problems in use.

All that being said, I also advised her to get the Pure Wand. I know, it’s not a vibrator. But in the absence of the VR6 I will choose the Pure Wand any day over any internal vibrator because it has the ability to stimulate my g-spot like nothing else. But hey, you knew that already if you’ve been around here for very long!

Dec 162011

Women fake orgasms. Not all women or not all the time. It is slowly becoming less prevalent but it still happens. Just a few generations ago women were not taught much (if at all) about their sexuality, their sex organs, or about sex and pleasure. Our grandmother’s mothers probably told them that “sex is for men and making babies”. Virgin brides were worried about it hurting and were told that it would hurt. Word of mouth was all that they knew; if you came from a Catholic family …. forget it.

So a few months ago a post was highlighted either on Facebook or Twitter and I skimmed it and bookmarked it for later; the title, “He Doesn’t Deserve Your Validation: Putting The Fake Orgasm Out of Business”, didn’t leave me feeling negative about the article. I was prepared to write a post agreeing with the author.

I’m not agreeing with the author on many things. I do agree to the basic message though – a faked orgasm doesn’t do us (either person in the equation) any favors. And as soon as I typed that out my brain went “Well…..sometimes it does….”

A woman faking an orgasm is now sort of, just part of the deal, isn’t it? You just do it; it’s almost like something that’s passed down from generation to generation, like makeup tips or a recipe. It’s a gift women give to men, because it’ll just keep him satisfied and calm. Many of the women I’ve talked with see faking an orgasm as a little gift, a favor for the man they’re with. That makes no sense to me. Faking an orgasm is not like making him a snack after he comes home from work or remembering what kind of beer he likes to drink.

Really? A gift to men? I used to fake….a lot. I did not ever view it as a gift to my partner. Did I do it sometimes to keep him from feeling inadequate? Yes. But then again in many aspects of life I’m the one asking “Well what do YOU want to do?” Because I’d much rather go along with their plan and see them happy than me choose the restaurant/movie/place we’re going and feel guilty the whole time because they’re miserable. Is that my responsibility, is that fair? No.I really want to know though what many women this guy is talking to, what their age range is. I am 34 and I have faked orgasms. There ya have it. But I have never and will never qualify doing so as “I did it for him”. For US though? To keep both of our happy glows? Yeah. Mostly. Sort of.  Because deep way down at the heart of the matter it wasn’t JUST about avoiding that let-down look of “I’m terrible at sex and now I feel guilty” that would end up ruining what had actually been fun and pleasurable experience and even bonding for me or emotional (It felt good. Great, even, but I couldn’t quite orgasm).

I faked orgasms because I didn’t know how to have one.

In fact, I don’t think I would have recognized an orgasm if it bit me in the face. And when I compare sensations and those little after-shock contractions now vs then….um yeah I actually did have orgasms. The contractions, and especially the twitchy minutes-long aftershock contractions, are never present for me if I didn’t orgasm. Ever. I know this now. I didn’t know it then because I didn’t know how to orgasm. I didn’t know what I needed. I didn’t know how to give it to myself much less ask for it (pre-vibrators). The first boyfriend I had sex with (I was 18) I also watched some soft porn with occasionally. We were horny little bastards. I liked the sex. I liked most of what he did to me. What I didn’t like I didn’t know why I didn’t like it so I couldn’t give him any feedback. Did I see fantasy-world porn and fantasy-world “orgasms”? Yep. Did we both watch that porn and use it as our manual and expect our results to be the same? Yep. I don’t think though that I faked it modeling after what I saw on porn. I think I was mimicking him. His pleasure built and built and built and it was obvious and then….crescendo! angels! choirs! He was exhausted and delirious and right there was the proof positive of his orgasm, filling up the reservoir tip of our condom.

I’ve almost never been with a guy who wasn’t like me in some regard – my pleasure was his pleasure and vice versa, our arousal and enjoyment fed off of the other’s arousal and enjoyment. So yeah he was going to make sure that I came, too.

I was too embarrassed to tell him I didn’t. That I didn’t know how to have an orgasm, that I’d never (to my knowledge) had an orgasm and that frankly I wasn’t positive that I knew where the clitoris was (I didn’t, I found out in my mid-twenties).

I faked an orgasm (or 300) because I was self-conscious and woefully un-sex-educated.

Because even when I would finally learn where things were and what I (or my partner) was supposed to be doing with them I still couldn’t orgasm. I’d get close….and maybe I did actually have a mild orgasm but I didn’t know it. I thought it was supposed to be bigger, better and more obvious. “You’ll know” I was told by the few female friends who had experienced an orgasm. Fireworks. Earth moving1.

I faked orgasms because I didn’t want to explain all of the above.

Many of my “fakes” were faking in the way of saying “Yes I came”. Actually verbalizing the words because I was asked if I had. Did I? No clue. Did it feel realllly fuckin good though? YES. I’ve had a lot of really good sex where he’s hitting my g-spot over and over and it just feels fucking fantastic and I’m vocal about that. My “holy shit”s and “oh fuck yes”es are not theatrics and they’re not lies. It feels awesome. And then he came and it was done and I knew I wasn’t going to come because I just don’t/can’t get there and I didn’t  want to ruin the awesome sex and the whole vibe by saying that I didn’t come.

Many women fake their orgasms as a means to end an un-pleasurable sexual process.

Ok….yeah. If it’s a one-night-stand or new boyfriend or whatever…yeah. I will totally fake for that reason. I’d tried the honest route and was met with puppy-dog “Let’s try it again!”. No no, I’m dried up and rubbed raw and no longer aroused.


In the end I appreciate the effort this guy and others are trying to put forth. It’s the thought that counts. Kinda. But seriously, would the people talking about this shit stop fucking assuming that there aren’t a multitude of reasons why we fake and that many aren’t “a means to an end” or “a gift”??? You’re. Not. Helping.

I try to avoid being and sounding prescriptive in my writing, but in this case I am begging women to put the fake orgasm out of business. Men don’t need or deserve more validation—we get it every day, in many different ways.

I do not fake to GIVE YOU VALIDATION.

Most women have yet to discover their true sexual power—not power over others—but the power they can feel within themselves. So when men maintain women by doing a little here and there in the bedroom, and women fake it, it just leads to a diminishing of female power.

No, honey, I just had yet to discover where the fuck my clitoris was, what was required to stimulate it enough to orgasm and that the magic answer for me was “vibrator”2. And once I discovered “vibrator” I had to discover what kind and what style and how best to use it. Some women do that with fingers and tongues. I spent 10 years on fingers and tongues. I should have a fucking PhD in the failure of the application of fingers and tongues to my clitoris.

There are so many women who are going to disagree with me. Am I giving others permission to fake? Well, no. A lot of the women agreeing with the original article all proclaim that they have high sex drives (Hi, me too!). Do they perhaps have higher self-esteem or better sense of self than me? Were they taught or just inately knew all their years where everything was and what you were supposed to do with it? Quite possibly yes to all of those. I have distinct memories of high arousal as a girl and then teenager. But I had no fucking clue what to DO with that arousal. You’re hungry? You eat food, you don’t feel hungry anymore, you feel happy and sated. You have to pee? So go, pee freely, “aaahhh” as it comes out and your stretched bladder feels more normal. But as a woman/girl who just knows that there’s all these feelings and sensations and they generate from perhaps the vulva-region but were not taught that masturbating relieves the built-up sexual tension from arousal and you feel sated like you just ate a chicken after not eating for 2 days.

For men it’s pretty easy. You get aroused and there’s no question about the origin of those sensations because it’s sticking straight out suddenly and so as a kid you touch it and….hey…..please may I have some more? And then oh! There ya go! Isn’t that better? That was pretty easy.



  1. That bit came later, courtesy of Mr. Pure Wand and the accompanying vibrator of choice
  2. Please take note of the “for me” in this answer and note that I did not say “for everyone” or “for you”.

Ask Lilly: Tips for Traveling with Sex Toys

 Ask Lilly  Comments Off on Ask Lilly: Tips for Traveling with Sex Toys
Dec 112011

Traveling with sex toys is anywhere from “no big deal” to “they’re pulling out my giant sparkling rabbit vibrator in front of 50 other people and it is flashing and whirring” (or finding a note with your vibrator in your checked luggage from the TSA with words of encouragement on your next jerk off session). If you’re not flying then there’s much less of a chance that someone will be rifling through your bag – but if you have kids or are going to stay with family during holiday travels then a little thought should be put into things. Too many times I’ve traveled without a vibrator and ended up regretting that decision. Mostly it was because I was visiting family and there are two issues with that: First, you don’t want paranoia about the noise to be interfering with your orgasm. Second, there’s always that chance that a close family member will need to get something from your bag before you remember that oops, there’s a big dildo in there.

First up is lube: It’s important for nearly everyone. If you’re flying then you will definitely want to buy one of those little plastic travel bottles and decant about 1 fluid ounce of your favorite lube at home. Even if you’re not flying, transferring the lube into a plain, smaller bottle will save both space and questions. No matter how incognito your sex toys are, if you’ve got a bottle of Astroglide in there you won’t be fooling anyone.

Travel Friendly Vibrators

Discretion and trickery! I would want something that doesn’t look like a sex toy. Unfortunately when you look up “discreet vibrators” you get a mix of small shitty clitoral vibes that barely tickle the surface, novelty items like the yellow Duckie or “vibrating sea sponge” (also in the weak and disappointing category) or hairbrushes and lipsticks that will probably break down in half a dozen uses. This leaves high-priced luxury sex toys like MiMi or big, plug-in electric vibrators like the Hitachi, the Miracle Massager, or my beloved Wahl 2-speed. Of the plug-in electric styles I’d pick the Wahl – on Low, it’s pretty damn quiet. It’s also smaller than the others and the cord is pretty long too. Of course none of the plug-in styles are going to be all that lightweight – the Eroscillator is less heavy and if you’re clever you will store the attachments far away from the base and you might be able to pull it off as a plug-in electric toothbrush. Until they examine it closely and see the word “Eroscillator” in raised letters on the body, that is.

Rechargeable vibrators are frequently touted as “travel friendly” since many of them have a feature where you can press a few buttons and lock the control pad for travel. Which is great and this means you don’t have to include a pack of batteries in your bag – but also consider recharging it: Will there be a discreet place to do so? Remember that many of these take hours to recharge and if you damn near drained the battery it could take the night (or the day, if you’re using the We-Vibe). And if it should die on you before you’re finished you’re shit out of luck.

Electric body massager coming with seven PVC heads.Multispeed massager made out of plastic and silicone.Mia is a discreet multifunctional massager.Small, elegant and discrete clitoral stimulator covered in smooth soft 100% body safe silicone, with 5 levels of surprisingly strong vibrations , starting with a nice low rumble + 5 different pulsingSoft silicone elastomer pad attachment for the Eroscillator vibratorOscillating vibrator with five different texture attachmentsPlug-in vibrator with two speeds and flexible headHitachi magic wand vibrator is a two-speed massager with a soft flexible head.

Battery-powered massager-style Mystic Wand is a possibility. You get vibration intensity, the believability that it is a back massager, and a motor that is moderately quiet (especially when compared to the Hitachi Magic Wand or the Miracle Massager). It will not take up as much room as the plug-in massagers and isn’t quite as heavy (unless of course you add in the weight of 1 or 2 changes of battery) but it isn’t nearly as small as say a bullet vibrator. If you’re flying, though, no amount of covert packing will hide something from those pesky airline baggage checkers. If you’re not at the mercy of the tactless TSA then you certainly could get away with packing a small vibrator of any type if you do it right.

When all else fails and you’re too paranoid to attempt any of these? A cheap, battery-op electric toothbrush. And a condom. Put the condom over the toothbrush head to minimize brush bristle abrasion to tender parts.

My travel-friendly sex toys

One of the sex toys that I plan on always taking with me is the Sweet Embrace. I’ve been using it more lately in a somewhat unorthodox fashion (meaning, not how they market it) and have been pleasantly surprised at the clitoral orgasms. My travel dildo of choice is now the Nobessence Fling because of the size, weight and discreet design that for me could also be coupled with a massager vibrator and written off as a merely a sore-muscles kit1. I’ve also purchased a spare spare (because I have a spare in case the current one dies) bullet vibrator that will be reserved just for travels – however as with all wired bullets, in my experience, if it is held at the wrong angle it can suddenly get really rattly and loud. I’ve had that happen in a public bathroom stall. So the bullet vibe will only be pulled out if I can feel secure that I won’t be heard. 

Fully sealed wooden sex toy with angled head and comfortable finger holds that make this intriguing toy perfect for g-spot or prostate stimulation.A multiple girth G-Spot massager with 7 functions of vibration and 2 stimulating ends, made from phthalate and latex free body-safe A.B.S. plastic with satin smooth coating.A waterproof prostate massager with 7 functions of vibration and 2 stimulating ends, made from phthalate and latex free body-safe plastic with satin smooth coating.Electric body massager coming with seven PVC heads.Multispeed massager made out of plastic and silicone.Black plastic bullet with control pack with velvety texture.

How to Hide Your Sex Toys

Sure, you know how to hide your sex toys when you’re at home but what about for travel? If it’s a vibrator with attachments or is battery powered, separate the pieces. Batteries in one little pouch, half the vibe here, half the vibe there. If you need to really conceal it then you’ve likely chosen to travel with a sex toy that looks like a sex toy – creative concealment is a must if you prefer to be undiscovered.

  • Inside a sock which is inside a shoe – Just make sure that it’s all firmly in there and won’t come tumbling out
  • Small, wireless bullet vibes could be tucked inside a tampon wrapper and then put inside a travel-size box of tampons
  • Spend the money on something called the Sneaky Sack – it’s meant to go on a hanger underneath a shirt (sweatshirt or bulky sweater is best, to hide the lumps). Only problem is….what if the Sack is seen? They have a bright white logo screened on the outside. But you could put this inside a sweater, pack it, and hang everything up when you arrive.
  • A small camera case could work
  • A small vibrator could be tucked into a small cosmetic bag which is then tossed into a larger toiletries case or makeup case, blending in with all the other items in there. Any number of options could be found if you have a case in a case like that where there are plenty of other objects to take the focus. I like this collection of cases from Sephora, it has a couple of great options. For a cheap and really small option, they have a few of these left at Sephora although it looks like they’ll be sold out soon.
 The Basics: Tips for Traveling with Sex Toys

If you take away nothing else, remember these points:

  • Always remove the batteries. ALWAYS. If the control pad locks for rechargeables, LOCK IT.
  • Be sure that your toy is clean prior to travel.
  • Pack at least one set of new, never-used batteries (if applicable)
  • Planning to have sex or jerk off while you’re not at home? Invest in a Marsona white noise machine. Small, portable and when placed strategically it will conceal quiet sex noises.
  • Your cell phone is never an acceptable vibrator replacement, despite the cute apps for smart phones
  • Pack a few toy cleaning wipes and keep the toy in a plastic bag if you plan on flying – because even checked luggage isn’t safe from inspections, and those inspections are done out of sight so you will have no idea what has happened to your sex toy in the hands of the TSA.


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  1. My husband disagreed with me upon seeing it but then again he’s seen entirely too many sex toys. I say that if my mom didn’t recognize a glass marijauna pipe when she saw it, I could get away with that excuse on people like her