Sex Toys: Single or Partnered, there is no shame in owning them
Thanks to Teagan for the Coalition name ;)
I read something somewhere recently, an innocuous little joke-in-poor-taste, where the author (a reviewer, no less) made a comment likening the ownership of “too many” sex toys to needing to find a partner. That because they happened to own a lot of sex toys it meant they were in even more desperate need of a sex partner – Not you, dear reader, just that person (to be clear). But then again….maybe somebody read that and thought “Oh god…I have a lot of sex toys TOO! Oh no, I’m a sad, miserable person and need to find a partner, stat!”1
I am a reviewer. I own a LOT of toys (mostly because I’m a reviewer, otherwise I wouldn’t because I’m not rich). I like my variety. Some I keep but aren’t my taste anymore. Even before I was a reviewer I had a lot (relatively speaking; it was a lot to me back then, a normal amount to me now) of toys, because I was muddling my way through purchases trying to find ones that worked for me and my body. I was never embarrassed about the quantity. In fact, I have always been proud of my collection. It’s like having a big book collection – different styles for different needs, different moods, etc. Some for a solo quickie, some for a drawn-out tease, some for g-spot, some for …..you get my point. Some are just for me, some are better for use with my partner.
But never would I equate my use-frequency or quantity of sex toys to a need for having or not having human partnered sex2. There’s no fucking shame in owning your sexuality, in taking control of your own damn orgasm. Can you PREFER human contact and partnered sex to sex toys? Sure. You can prefer whatever the fuck you want. But don’t insinuate to me that owning a lot of sex toys is somehow bad or shameful.
Do I think you, my reader, are to be pitied because you do NOT own a lot of sex toys? Only if you desire to own a lot. If you have a few ones that really do it for you and that’s that, fucking awesome. If you orgasm easily and do not need them…..I am highly jealous but still, fucking awesome for you. If you want a large collection or just can’t find the right one for you then yeah, I pity you, because the right to bear orgasms is in the fucking constitution3, damn it.
Did I make a mountain out of a proverbial molehill here in my little rant? Possibly. But there ARE people who are ashamed of sex toys4 and they don’t need that shame added to and there are men who feel threatened by sex toys and women who let their men feel threatened by the toy – they hide it instead of teaching him how it can be a wonderful addition to their time together and not a replacement.
Sit down, have a cup of coffee and let it all out. Yell at me. Agree with me. Ask me for help in expanding your own collection. I love to help give orgasms *grin* and by that I mean helping you shop, you silly perv.
- maybe I’m just grumpy today but it felt a little sex-negative to me *shrugs* ↩
- That comes out wrong. I’m not referring to an equine sex partner or other animal, egads. Just…not battery operated or inflatable is all ↩
- whut? I read “life, liberty and the pursuit of Happiness” as pursuit of MY happiness which includes orgasms and sexual release ↩
- to people other than their parents, I totally get that, I don’t want my mom or family members knowing about my jerk-off accessories or even that I do jerk off just….because… ↩
Thanks for this, hon. I always feel rather guilty that I’m a sex toy reviewer with a large collection of toys and a very miniscule sex drive. My partner felt pretty threatened when I started reviewing and I thought he had a right to be, but I’m realizing more and more it shouldn’t matter.
~ It can be really difficult I think, depending on how you were raised, not to feel like your partner’s masturbation is a slight against you. It’s just a different sex act. I masturbate more than I have sex, and it’s bc for me the masturbation has really been just about the dopamine boost or the relaxation surge and it’s just “lemme do this my way and in 5 minutes i’m done and i don’t have to do anything else for anybody else”. When men start feeling threatened by the sex toys, that’s when you A: ask them if you should feel threatened by their left hand and then B: bring the sex toys into bed and have him use them on you or you use them on him.
This. THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS.
I don’t feel like I should be ashamed of my rather large collection of sex toys. But at the same time, I feel like everyone else wants me to be.
It’s stupid. And people that own the fucking things make it worse with comments like that, even if it is tongue in cheek.
~ Yup. Because if you, a owner of a large collection (for a reason, even! a reviewer!) can’t get past any shame or insinuations that you “need a man” as a preferred alternative, then how the fuck will non-reviewers feel about their moderate collection? It’s sad.
I don’t understand people who find it threatening or distasteful to own a bunch of sex toys. I’m super envious of people with huge toy collections. I don’t see a collection of sex toys as any different than a collection of books, like you said, or kitchen gadgets. Sure I could scoop cantaloupe out with a spoon but a melon baller is so much better.
Using toys not only has made me more aware of how to pleasure myself but also how to talk to and guide partners to better experiences for both of us.
Just so you know, I’ll have Christopher in my head all day saying those words. ;)
~ YES, me too, I’ve learned SO much about my body and my orgasms from sex toys that has made partnered sex even better and orgasmic.
How stupid that a person should feel the need to make a judgement on the amount of sex toys a person owns and whether or not they are single is just ridiculous.
1. Sex toys can do things humans can’t. For example a Hitachi. I’d like to see a human tongue do what a Hitachi can do.
2. Likewise I own a megaton of books. I don’t read them all every week. Same goes for toys. I might have a fuckton of toys but I don’t use them all. Actually I use about 3 on a regular basis because they give me the best orgasms evaaaah.
3. Likewise I review toys. I am curious by nature and I like to help friends out who are hunting for the right toy. If that means I have to have a draw full of toys to find the best ones then I’m in!
4. I’m single, with or without a partner I use toys. So fucking what?
Yeah that comment made me grumpy too. What an asstard.
Love. I just got my first toy for review from Babeland today, so I’m super excited about how my collection is going to expand. I’ve never felt guilty about owning them, but I do feel guilty about spending the money on them! I feel like, even for us awesome sex-positive people, we get a little guilt-trippy about spending our hard-earned cash on an orgasm rather than, say, an insurance payment or the electricity bill (not that I’ve ever forgone the latter for the former!)
I should use this as an analogy for polyamory- having different people/toys that do different things really well for you, and not feeling threatened by the fact that one can’t do it all. Either way, great point, great rant.