Feb 172010

(This post first appeared over at Edencafe.com)

First let me explain my take on the “typical” brain of feminine vs masculine. I do realize that just by saying that I’ve already ruffled some feathers. The saying “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” DOE S have its valid points.

I’m equally a logical and emotional person. It’s hell, lemme tell ya. I need to totally *understand* something, I need to know why. Why, why, why. I’m like a 2 year old. I cannot just do something “because”. If I at least know why I’m doing it and what comes next then I’m much better able to do my part. But I also act and react very emotionally, I’m very much an empath. Anyways, back to the logic. I have fibromyalgia which is a very misunderstood disease (but they do know that brain chemicals are either affected or a partial cause and I believe that the main chemicals affected are serotonin and dopamine) and I have a dopamine deficiency. ADD, ADHD, whatever label you want to put on it. When you run down the symptoms, I’m a textbook case. But I have other oddities that make me hard to diagnose. So in the course of trying to figure out what is wrong with me, I’ve done a lot of research. Learning what others like me are like. Forming my own theories that may or may not be a grand revelation to the science community at large.

Even if you don’t have a “mental disorder”, I believe that everyone’s brain hormones/chemicals are not all at perfectly balanced middle-of-the-road levels. Everyone has a skew, and that forms your personality. It’s when the skew is too severe that one is then diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bi-polar, ADD, etc. So my outlook is kinda like…..a horoscope. I am most compatible with other people that have a similar chemical skew/imbalance. If their dopamine is lower, I’ll get along with them. ( I hope this explanation makes sense to you all, lol).

They already know that biological men and women use their brains differently. But that’s what they can see and measure. What they haven’t been able to measure yet are the levels of the brain hormones. So I’m not saying here that my thoughts on the chemical differences pertain to *biological* male/female roles, obviously, but the self-identifying masculine/feminine roles. The typical feminine brain skews a little lower on serotonin. The typical masculine brain skews a little lower on dopamine. Disclaimer: I’m not saying that this is fact, I am saying that in all my logical thoughts, this has to be true. One big reasoning is that many of my little ADD-quirks/issues/problems….to some degree are all complaints that wives generally have about their husbands. Like I’m more likely to forget birthdays and anniversaries. I lose track of time. That whole domestic drive to  clean the house and run errands when you’d really rather sit on yer butt? Yeah I don’t have that and you’ll find me sitting on my ass till there’s no clean undies and we’re outta milk. When a female asks me if I notice anything different, I’m going to be staring blankly at her just like most men would.

I hope I didn’t lose you – this topic of brain chemistry and why I, without fail, get along the best with people with similar chemistry levels as my own is all seriously fascinating to me. Even if the knowledge doesn’t do me any good with treatment I still like understanding it all as best as possible.

Anyways. Contradictions, contrasts, puzzle pieces.

I’m the girl in full makeup who’s fixing your computer and babbling in geek-speak.

I’m the girl wearing perfume who’s hanging with the guys, playing MMORPG games and being just as competitive as them.

I’m the girl in the group of people who will admonish the man with a “Don’t be such a pig!” to his pervy comment all the while silently agreeing and staring at that chicks ass right along with him.

I’m the girl in sexy clothes and kitten heels who would be happily tagging along to a car show, admiring the details and work on big, loud muscle car or a sleek, expensive sports car.

In my mind I objectify women as I ogle them but I don’t let on outloud, for that’s not proper. I know it’s not right but it happens anyway. I’m terrible at being domestic even when it has to be done. I didn’t inherit the gene that makes my mind think “We’re having company! I better dust!” like my mother and her mother before her. I drive too fast, I swear too much and I don’t remember your birth date. I could spend just as much money at Sephora as I could at Newegg.com. I am competitive beyond compare and fuck you if you beat me.

And when I read about other bisexual or bi-curious women talking about how softly they would kiss a woman, how the sex would be sensual and spiritual and *cue sound of abrupt record-scratching to signify a halt* – I think “why??” I want to kiss and be kissed like I would kiss a man. Kissing men, kissing women, it’s not a different activity for me it’s kissing a person and I like it passionate. Not feathery kitten kisses. I want to have hot, sweaty, kinda-rough passionate sex with a woman just as I would with a man.

But yet I want to be swept off of my feet in romance. I want the grand gestures. I want the Dom type of guy sometimes, to a degree. I have my days of wanting to be pampered and beautiful and wanted and loved. You don’t have to hold the door for me unless my hands are full, but I’d appreciate it if you compliment how I look, even though I may blush and dip my head.

I am a contradiction in flesh and blood and sometimes I just don’t know which way to go.

  9 Responses to “When the Brain Doesn’t Match the Body”

  1. Rock on girl.

    “I could spend just as much money at Sephora as I could at Newegg.com.”

    yes yes yes!!

    Mmmmmmmmm…think rather than some folk having left & right brainns we have woman and man brains?

    And hey, ogling a woman’s ass is morally acceptable in my book *wink*


  2. I like this just as much on the second go-round as I did the first go-round. It’s positively delightful.

    For the record, I absolutely LOVE geek goddesses. I’m dating one now. :)

    — PB

  3. Contradictory personalities or not, you’re still a great person who is very deep and interesting. :) Don’t change a thing. And like the poster before me said, geeky girls are very sexy, indeed, hehe.


  4. I loved reading this because …. well, I’m a girl geek. And I’m not what people expect. Kinda makes for more fun, IMO. :)

    ~ Yeah I like surprising people :)

  5. So basically you have the good parts of a man’s brain (at least from my perspective,) as well as the good parts of a woman’s brain, all wrapped up in that body I love to look at . . . by golly, you’re the ideal girl! ;-)

    ~ Shush up, no I am not, lol. ;)

  6. I did a couple of posts about something similar at the beginning of the year.

    It was my friend, Softboy, who provided me with all the research. I just asked what that line was down a guy’s scrotum…

    What’s That Line On My Scrotum and How It Can Affect your Gender/Sexuality

    Gender Benders

    Basically, he talks about the biological process that decides what gender we are going to be and then forms the genitals accordingly. However, sometimes something goes awry and there are varying degrees of this that can physically affect the formation of your genetalia or can just affect your mindset through a chemical imbalance.

    It’s quite fascinating.

    Ruf and I were discussing something similar only yesterday. The fact that we both view our relationship as like the yin/yang symbol. Where neither of us is wholly masculine or wholly feminine. We swirl into each other in that he is outwardly very hard and inwardly very soft, not afraid to show his feminine side and cry at weepy movies or produce something fabulous in the kitchen. And, although, I may look like a very soft girly girl, inside I have a steel core of determination. I also like watching sports and getting involved in a good physical dust-up in the dojo. But my programming is definitely female when it comes to remembering birthdays and my compulsion to clean at every opportunity.

    However, I can’t help thinking that perhaps it’s those people who are definitely one or the other who are actually malprogrammed because, for Ruf and me, it’s the bits where we mix that make it work.

  7. I think ogling a gal is perfectly fine. I certainly do it and love hanging out with the guys more than I would the gals. Great post.

  8. I have lurked here for oh, about a year. I’m coming out of the shadows because I swear. to. God. you wrote this about me! Well, with one exception- I’m not as feminine in appearance, I have my moments but I am, on the whole, rather butchy (not saying it’s a bad thing, just that it’s the one difference.)

    Seriously, that’s fucking wild.

  9. I was reading Sulpicia. You two should compare notes as you’re definitely researching the same areas.

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