Snark n’ Vinegar

*Disclaimer: I’m kinda off my meds right now. Well, some of them. Somehow going OFF the stimulants has me more awake to the point of being jittery, has dissolved the “inappropriate filter” a good deal, while at the same time completely killing what little ability I had remaining for focusing on the tasks at hand. You’ve been warned.

Actually, the only people I’ll likely end up offending are the ones who are too uptight and take themselves too seriously.

As I sit here hoarding the pumpkin roll and orgasming over the cream cheese frosting, let me take this time to say that if there was a product that made male ejaculate taste like sweetened cream cheese (but ew no NOT the consistency thankyouverymuch) then I just might become a cocksucking whore. Seriously it’s shameful how much I’ve eaten today and the absolute lack of self-control when I’m in the room with an item frosted with cream cheese. I daresay I’d even eat banana bread if it had creamcheese frosting on it. (holymotherfuck I bet people click on the link to this page from google searches for ‘cream cheese frosting recipe’ and hoooboy are they in for a shocker and no I don’t mean the hand gesture)

Oh, clarification: Twitter is not  cyber-sex chat room. I know of two couples right off the bat who are going to heartily disagree with me on this (and they know who they are) but I also know of many others who will agree with me on this (and if you don’t cop to it in comments, then you’re a Douchetard). Before they get pissy, let me say that my opinion on this doesn’t mean I have anything against them personally. Not at all. But since I have to see the cybersex tweets in my stream because I follow you, I feel I am allowed this opinion. Captain Awkward (pronounced CAPTAIN AWWWWWKWARRRDDD a la Captain Caveman) is here to tell you kiddies that it’s usually not hot, it’s uncomfortable. It’s private and we feel like we’re intruding but yet we’re not. If you find your cybersex to be so hot that it would be a shame to hide it from the world, then turn the transcript into a blog post.

Crissy has a new post today up at Toy With Me. I love this lady, but I have to learn not to read her posts while at work. I had to suck in my cheeks like fishyface and bite them so as to not bust out laughing and then be quesioned “Whatcha laughin at??” by the first nosy co-worker who walked by. I also must say that Crissy is one fucked up lady for thinking up these sex positions in the first place, these positions that require the safety harnesses that the Cirque du Soleil. Or.

OR!

[……..] OOOOO or in a zero gravity room!!! CRISSY!!!! THATS IT!!! These are sex positions to try when you have a zero gravity experience and if you started a pay-by-the-hour zero-gravity hotel with these illustrations hung up like art, for inspiration, you’d make a fortune. In Japan.

I know, right?!?! (call me, I know a guy, he’ll back it if we install spycams)

I’m a people-pleaser. Yes I know that sounds like a bad line from an interview or cover letter for any given retail job or a euphemism for big ole slut but I really am. Some tell me I’m too nice, and I’m finally realizing that I think I am. I’ve seen recently that a few friends are taking advantage of me, taking me for granted. Let me tell you something. I do not have the ego enough to state that the grass isn’t greener on the other side of me. It very well could be, because people I am FAR from perfect. But let me just say that when you slight me in favor of that greenie-green grass? You’d better learn to love it because the gate will be closed, you can’t come back and get the same quality of grass that you got from me before. I will not be the temporary placard while you wait for the better thing to come along.

Also let me just say that if anybody reads that and feels the need to ask me if I’m referring to them, then they should take a minute and think about why their guilty conscience assumed it so. And when you’re done thinking, just keep it to yourself.

I’m really dreading the holiday this week. Why? Did you read the disclaimer up there??? The in-laws are a little….proper. I can’t swear in front of them. I feel the need to sit ramrod straight and make sure I use the proper fork. I’m so afraid that I’ll make last years slip-up look like child’s play. All I did was spill something on the pretty clothe tablecloth and out of my mouth flew “SHIT!” and the table went silent as my hub and mom tried to stiffle giggles and the in-laws tried to not let their abject horror show. In conversation this week with one of the two girlfriends I have with whom I can let the snark fly, she’s telling me about a family Christmas tradition that they’re practically being held at gunpoint to play along with. I can’t tell you all the details and really it’s a “you have to have been there” but I said “Christ what is this, a Merry 3rd Reich Christmas?!?”. *sigh* Or how about I’m in Target the other day, and I pick up a container with no barcode on it OF COURSE and I’m in a hurry OF COURSE but thankfully instead of the guy making someone go check, he asked if I recalled the price. Jesus man, no, I barely remember what row I parked my car in. The price was fuzzy in my head but I knew it started with 6 and ended with 9. I said this. I SAID THAT! I said “I think it’s like $6.29 or $6.49….I’m not sure. I know there’s a 6 and a 9 in there but I forget that middle number” and then he asked his manager for the ok to just use that price and SHE asked me and I SAID IT AGAIN and I didn’t REALIZE what I was saying until I walked away from the register and then I was overcome by embarassment and the giggles like a goddamn 12 year old.

Holy Fuck.

I’ll just have to tell Hub to do most of the talking tomorrow, and then for the dinner with my (considerably less uptight) family on the weekend, I’ll be sure to avoid alcohol and make sure the adults know that Aunt Lilly might not be “under 18 approved” this weekend and to hide away their children.