Oct 182009

As you can see, I’ve written very little this month. The words just won’t come out, the block is being stubborn. Perhaps I have expressive aphasia or perhaps I’ve just watched too many episodes of House while I was off from work. It’s honestly like someone stole my words before they can even form. This condition isn’t just affecting my blog posting, it’s affecting my online conversations as well. I’ll find myself staring at the IM screen, unable to say anything to my best friend, unable to start new conversation threads. The issues there are a bit more complicated than I care to talk about here, but luckily he’s swamped from all areas lately and doesn’t have the time to even notice.

I was off work for 2.5 weeks for health reasons as I mentioned on my side blog. However it was almost equally for mental health reasons; the pain can make you go crazy sometimes and I was cranky – mostly at work but some at home. During my time off I had plans, I even made lists of those plans. It all fell so very short and I felt so disappointed in myself. I had planned to write a great deal and have completed posts in backlog for times when I was too busy or otherwise unable to write. Ha! Ironic, eh? I had also planned to take a whole bunch of HNT pics. I did try, but I hate 98% of them. I couldn’t seemingly come up with anything creative enough or anything that translated onto film the way it did in my head.

And it’s not so much that I can’t come up with things to write about. Before my break started I had started about 12 drafts just to get the post title and/or ideas down so that I didn’t forget. At that time I could have written them; I guess I should have. Now I stare at them and I can’t put sentences and paragraphs together. I can’t nail down a cohesive flow or fully express what is in my head. Not surprisingly my libido is also down. But is it the cause of or because of the writing block?

So this post is as much of an explanation of my absence as it is my attempt to just fucking write SOMETHING. Heh, speaking of which, reminds me of the shining moment of my ADD test recently. I’m seeing a new psych and even though I’ve been tested before, he apparently didn’t believe me/it and wanted it done again. Basically a lot of questions are asked – some are “on a scale of 1 to 5” type, some are frustrating (count backwards from 100 in steps of 7, which was embarassingly difficult for me), and some are stupid (copy a few stick drawings). One oddball question was that he told me to write down on the piece of paper in front of me “A sentence, anything at all that comes to mind”. My “expressive aphasia” had already started and I just stared blankly at the paper for 10 seconds, felt stupid that I couldn’t even do it, and took the smart-ass cop-out route. I wrote “anything at all that comes to mind”. It wasn’t until much later that day that I lamented that I even fucked THAT up because it wasn’t a properly full sentence!!!

I need to go be somewhat productive today. Boring shit. Grocery store, laundry, try out a new curly-hair product and hope it works for me, make up my medication packets for the week, and do a few things for the NYC trip in November. I figure if I can do a little here and there that I won’t be running around like a madwoman for the 48 hours prior and end up forgetting things.

I’m not hitting spell check today. I’m not previewing it and rereading it. I’m just going to click “publish” and let that be that. I apologize for the snoringly boring post, but it had to be done. Yes, I know, every blogger (except AAG who never runs out of words or the ability to string them together) goes through writing block and blah periods. I know, I’ll get past it. So instead of telling me those platitudes, how about you recommend a blog to me that you think I might not know about? Or ask me a question that I’ll answer in a future post (not so much throwing out an erotica topic, though). Or, recommend places in NYC for me to check out. Even if it’s just a really awesomely cool example of fancy architecture in an old building. Or a place to get food that has “the best” something.