May 192012

Today was my birthday. Yet it was also an un-birthday. What I mean is that it really wasn’t celebrated in any traditional sense. And you know what?

It was pretty damn good.

I lounged around reading magazines, and felt no guilt. I played my Facebook games. I made myself a wonderful steak salad for lunch. I sweetly asked for, and promptly received, copious cups of coffee from husband. Husband (who cleans much better than I) cleaned up the kitchen and hey! We have a kitchen table again! Dinner was lovely; I roasted some purple carrots, made a simple and creamy pasta Alfredo with the most wonderful cheese from Whole Foods, and topped it all off with sauteed langostines. My birthday cake was this chocolate mousse ganache confection from Trader Joe’s. I received birthday hugs from Husband whenever I demanded them.

Could it have been better? Sure. But it was a lot better than last year. So the only family member I spoke to was my mother. So what. So a number of friends said nothing of my birthday. So what! Those that did hold a special place in my heart. So I had no presents to unwrap. So what! Instead, I received a check from my mom and one from the in-laws and today I spent them. They’ve not even been deposited, and I spent them. So I stayed home all day. So what! When you get down to it I’m really not all that social and I don’t know if I would have enjoyed going out with a big group of friends. I did it last year before I moved and left my job, with work friends, and I didn’t enjoy myself at all (but that speaks more about those friends than me). I might have enjoyed a dinner out, but at least in cooking for myself I was able to make it healthier and I was able to make it all taste exactly as I wanted it to.

I bought this quirky yet adorable bag:

Image courtesy of JumpFromPaper

I know. They’re weird and adorable and make you stare and make your brain kinda hurt and they’re totally not me. I don’t care. I like the idea of confusing others.

My other purchase might seem fairly boring to most. 10 days ago I saw this video; a video many of you might have seen. It made me cry. It gave me hope. It came to me on the wings of an unexplained beginning of some sort of inner peace. All of sudden, about 2 weeks or so ago, I started feeling…..good. Mentally and physically. Mentally strong. Physically neutral.

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
‘Til it was a battle cry
~Regina Spektor, “The Call”

That song makes me weep. I cry the ugly cry. But that beginning fully describes me lately. It was a feeling. Then I had cautious hope. And this is my battle cry. I’ve started doing this program, done by the man linked in the video above, called DDPYoga. I figured that if a disabled veteran who couldn’t walk without the aid of serious crutches, knee braces and a back brace could do this and transform…..well then, why not me? Honestly about 3 weeks ago I’d started to give up. The outlook was hazy. I’d just come out of a 3-week long back spasm brought on by absolutely nothing. Everyone says walking is the best exercise but what happens when walking is really bad for your bones? Specifically my pelvis and my spine. I couldn’t find anything that didn’t hurt like hell. But then I saw that video and started the program and joined the community site for it and everything changed.

I can’t actually be certain if my deep-seated happiness started before I saw Arthur’s video or the day after but it took me a few days to recognize the feeling. It is a happiness that is not because of another person; it is a happiness that is deep in me, bubbling up like a volcano that is waking up. I can’t explain where it came from. Have the natural supplements I’ve been taking finally kicked in? No clue. I’ve found inner peace and acceptance in regards to other things, too. I sent off an email to someone and while they didn’t really need to know that I’ve changed and have let them go, I needed to say it out loud to them. I needed to make it real. It reinforced my emotional/mental fortitude that I’m experiencing and made me realize I’m just fine without them.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the other birthday gift purchase. A Yoga Rug to go on top of my not-yoga-mat because I sweat like crazy doing this stuff; it’s unbelievable to me that I can get my heart rate up and that yoga isn’t some peaceful, easy pretzel thing made for thin, lithe healthy folks. This shit is hard but it’s going to be so worth it. And unlike anything else I’ve done, DDPYoga was created by someone with the same back injury as me so everything is done to benefit the back. The other purchase was a “bolster” which I didn’t know existed. I’ve been using a latex pillow with piss poor results (smooth fabric meant I slipped off it and landed myself flat on the floor in what I dubbed the “dead frog” pose) because I have a problem putting weight on my shins or knees (kneeling/Table positions) thanks to the fibro. I normally would have continued on making do with what I have around the house but the birthday check pushed me to get something nice. After all, this isn’t going to be a passing phase.

So I am starting out my 35th year with a happiness I’ve not felt for a very long time, love from those that matter, an answer to a problem I’ve been dealing with for many years, a healthier lifestyle, chocolate cake, realistic expectations, hope and the faint outlines of promising future life plans.

May 242010

My main chat partner during the boring work days  he’s not really been around much lately. Pressures and stress from work and home coupled with just being too busy have ended with him uninterested/unavailable to talk much and frankly I think he’s depressed. It absolutely kills me that I can’t help him. I have advice, but he won’t take it yet. I care about him a lot and I hate seeing him this way. I also miss him and see the friendship fading a little in some ways.

So yes…I was finding myself lonely and bored and thought what the hell. I’ll go hunting for a hook-up (or, used to) therefore why can’t I hunt for a penpal, a chat buddy? And so, I did. In true Lilly fashion I was very forthcoming on what I wanted and didn’t want. I told a little about myself and asked for the same in return. After all, what fun is a penpal if they’re incapable of composing a proper paragraph?

Did I find what I was looking for? I found some idiots who didn’t read, of course. I found some that just didn’t appeal to me. I found a few that seemed promising at first and then…meh. I found a couple that held my interest. Nice to talk to, we had some things in common…

But then they fell to the wayside as I somehow found myself in limbo….waiting on the friend to respond. For he’s the one I prefer to talk to, even over the “new friendship energy” of others. By the time I realized that our conversation had fizzled out an hour ago and he wasn’t going to respond to me, I was pretty down in the dumps and no longer felt like answering the emails of my new penpals. Then my trips started. Washington state, and then a trip a few states away for side work, home for 3 weeks and then gone again for a weekend of work, and just now back home. With all the traveling, the prep for travel and recovery from travel and the site design jobs I have, I lost contact with the few that had some potential.

I guess I’ll keep trying. It’s not like I’m looking for a replacement. I just don’t want to rely on him so much, I guess. I don’t want to have to keep reminding myself that it’s not rejection, it’s truly not me, it really is him.



Jan 012010

I’m stealing this from Hubman who stole it from NY Diva


1. What did you do that you’d never done before?

A few exhibitionist/voyeuristic things that have been written about; saw a burlesque show; had a “street” hot dog in NYC

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

If I made any, I don’t recall. I probably made a few and didn’t keep them. I’ll make another one or two.

3. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

More sex. A reliable car. A job I like.

4. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory?

August 23rd; April 1st; November 6th

5. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Ha! Oh boy did I ever.

6. What was the best thing you bought?

Our laptop

7. Where did most of your money go?

Bills/rent/living expenses

8. What did you get really, really excited about?

A few plans that got canceled; My trip to NYC; you’d think I would say “my wedding” but I’m not ;)

9. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? A little jaded; more realistic
b) thinner or fatter? Probably a little fatter
c) richer or poorer? A smidge richer, but only because I’m bringing in a little money from my site and commissions

10. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Be more social (in many ways); live in the realm of reality

11. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Eat; pine; live in the world of fantasy

12. How will you be spending new years?

I spent it as we have for the last number of years – not doing much and barely acknowledging the stroke of midnight

13. Did you fall in love in 2009?

14. How many one-night stands?

Wouldn’t you like to know ;) The number is somewhere between 0 and 3

15. What was your favorite TV program?

I’ve had a couple – Fringe; House; Pushing Daises (gone now); and a few more that are escaping me.

16. What was the best book you read?

I read a lot, it’s hard to narrow it down. “Certain Girls” by Jennifer Weiner, probably

17. What did you want and get?

A laptop

18. What did you want and not get?

R; a vacation longer than 24 hours

19. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I was 32. I think I went out to eat with hub.

20. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Smart-dressy-casual that’s femme and sexy. Trying to be more fashion-conscious and feminine.

21. What kept you sane?

My hub, my bff

22. What political issue stirred you the most?

Not going there

23. Who was the best new person you met?

I met a lot of wonderful people in NYC that I hope to see again

24. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:

Stay more grounded in reality and pay attention to everything.

I am starting this year off on a better foot. My tennis elbow pain is nearly gone; the cortisone shot worked for now. I’m scheduling for an epidural inter-vertebra cortisone shot. I spent the day purging. Out with the old, in with the new. Bought new “everyday” panties and got rid of the sorry ones. Bought a slew of new socks to replace ones that were dead or dying or lost their mates. Purchased all new bed pillows and throwing out the old ones (ick! the things I read about pillows!!). This weekend we’re doing a major clean up, give away, re-organize to the apartment. I can’t stand to live like this any more! We made good headway today, better than I expected, and the endeavor continues this weekend.

Dec 222009

Either I’m crazy, or …… nah let’s just stick with crazy.

For the first time in months (many months?) I have an interest in someone other than He Who Shall Not Be Named Anymore Or As Little As Possible (and no I don’t mean Voldemort) that has lasted beyond a couple short online conversations. Even a few guys from last year resurfaced, guys I really enjoyed…..and I can’t get back into my enjoyment of them for some reason. Perhaps it was timing, perhaps a month ago I was not yet ready. I don’t fuckin know.

Why am I crazy, you ask?

Because he lives about 3,000 miles away.

And has a harem of women. Fucking a handful in real life, flirting online with who knows how many. I’m just one of many.

I’ll never have his full attention and quite likely will never meet him in person.

So am I crazy? Or did I allow myself this because there’s a safety of it never going anywhere? Or do I just like a challenge too goddamn much? Because he’s definitely a challenge. And you know I like my challenges….tell me “no you can’t have that” and I’ll want it more and try harder to get it.

Yup I’m crazy. And he’s dangerous. And I’m looking for trouble.

Nov 272009

She always was able to lose herself in a good book. Her vivid imagination painted the scene, conjured up the voices, simulated the emotions. It was a blessing and yet sometimes a curse. As was usual when reading an erotica book, she was able to imagine herself in the scenarios being described. Her most recent acquisition of erotica was no different and she couldn’t deny the throbbing in her cunt. That night, her mind instinctively included Him in these thoughts; but the moment she consciously realized what her mind was doing, she shook it off and kept on reading.

“Must not do that anymore”, she said to herself.

But oh, the pull of her mind, it was too much to deny. She surrendered and let her imagination run free. Just one more time.

As her orgasm built she could practically feel His hand on her throat, his lips at her temple, could almost hear the filthy words he would have uttered at one point. It had been a long, slow climb with an expected grand finish.

The orgasm, however, surprised her.

It was not her cunt releasing fluids and climaxing with pleasure. No, there was wetness but it was not in the right place. As her weak and confusing clitoral orgasm diffused, the tears pouring from her eyes suddenly came into focus.

Instead of the built up sexual pleasure releasing, the blocked heartache released. She let the tears do their thing, she let herself be lost in the emotions and the purging. The  painful, heavy lump in her throat had to be dissolved. She silently wept in the darkened bedroom; tears for the lies she had told herself, tears for the fantasies that would never see the light of reality, tears for the loss of him, tears for what she wasn’t able to give him. Bitter anger for never managing to be “more” than the ghosts of his past; self-defeat for not managing to be enough of……anything, really. So much wrong, not enough right.

When the tears stopped of their own accord, she acknowledged to herself: “That was the last time”.

The last time her fantasies would include him.

The last time she would long for him.

The last time she would cry over him.

She put his shoes away; in a box, in the closet, underneath a stack of junk. Chin up, deep breath…..walk away.