Aug 092010

I received a Formspring question that really made me think. I’m going to do my best to give my opinions, my advice, and then open the floor to my readers for their input.

Lilly, how do I go about telling my husband that I would like a lesbian experience? He already has issues trusting me. How can I explain to him that I just find women sexy but don’t want an actual relationship with one?

My initial response: Oy vey.

She really could have inserted anything at all after “telling my husband that….” because the biggest issue here is TRUST. Now, I don’t know why he has issuing trusting her. He could be jealous, insecure; she could have cheated in the past. The why isn’t important. It’s that the lack of trust even exists.

To the asker:

The first issue to be addressed here is just the need to talk to the husband. Get to the root of the trust issues. If you can’t, if he can’t trust you…..then you have way bigger problems in the marriage than I am qualified to advise on. Make an appointment to see a marriage counselor.

If his trust issues have no basis, if he is merely insecure about outside sex, my gut response is to direct you to Tristan Taormino’s famous book: Opening Up. It isn’t just for polyamorous relationships, it’s for all levels of opening up, even just “monogamy with benefits”. Both of you need to read this book.

Talk. Talk and talk and more talks. Tell him why you want these experiences. The base line for all of this talk is honesty. Lie about nothing, omit nothing. And if the two of you talking alone is not helping I need to refer back to a counselor. Specifically, a relationship counselor that is knowledgeable and open-minded about open relationships of all types. Tristan has a list on the site, The Open List, where licensed professionals submitted their contact info.

Readers: Have you been in this, or similar, situations? Do you just have some (helpful, non-combative) advice? Speak up in comments!

May 142010

It’s no secret that I don’t possess “normal” brain chemistry. If you want to label it, the best label is ADD-Inattentive with a side-order of fibromyalgia (body disease but also affects the brain and can act like ADD) and an occassional helping of some other as-yet-unnamed disorder. I’m not easy to treat with meds. I’m a puzzle and doctors don’t usually want to spend the time on me. I’m not responsive or overly responsive to many meds, thanks to the fibromyalgia. And so, since brain chemistry affects sex drive, mine is like a rollercoaster.

But my husband….he’s also got a dopamine-deficiency disorder. Which exact label, we’re not sure. His acts different than mine and gets treated differently from mine. He’s more susceptible to outside sources affecting his chemistry levels….from food/sugar/caffeine to emotional stresses and lack of sleep.

It’s not easy being a couple. I think he has more patience than me, because I’m losing mine. Back in December he had a big ole upswing and was better than he’d been in years. Our relationship was great, I was pleasantly surprised to be able to rely on him for husbandly duties like coming with me to visit my mother. And sex. It was more often, and better. But then a month or two later, his shitty job and his difficult programming class started to get the better of him. And it’s gone downhill. Everything.

I’m walking on eggshells. Silently losing patience and, for brief moments, respect. But then I remember that he can’t control his brain chemistry any more than I can. But then I have moments of “But *I* work and *I* go out shopping and *I* do XYZ…..why can’t HE??” and the cycle starts all over again. And the health of us individually is failing, but also the health of our relationship. I can’t even recall when we last had sex; it might be a month or two months, I’m not sure any more. We spend our evenings in different rooms of the house. He babbles on about hockey because it’s one of very few outside sources that stimulate his adrenaline and dopamine in a good way. He babbles and I tune out because as much as I want to care about something he likes, I just can’t care about hockey, lol.

I get advice but it doesn’t help because only he and I can figure us out and what to do for us. Nothing can be forced or wrenched into place. It’s true, I’m losing my patience with him and the state of things. But I’m only human…right? It doesn’t make me feel any better though about losing my temper and patience and blowing up. It doesn’t make me miss “us” any less.

If you’ve gone through this, how did you come out the other side in tact?