Jun 072010

I no longer consider myself “bicurious”, and I haven’t for a number of years. But some days I still feel that way,  due to a lack of even one good Girl Date.

I’ve been with women sexually…..less than a half dozen, all encounters that happened through either planning to have sex or something similar. I’ve never actually *dated* a woman. Not for lack of trying! I had one encounter, once, that had a possibility of being….well, I don’t know. I’ll never know, because it was cut short. With the exception of that woman, for a few moments, I don’t think I’ve ever flirted with a woman face-to-face. Internet? sure. lots! I’ve even had dates with said women with mixed results.

Back in the heyday of Myspace, I met a few girls that I’d randomly friended on there (because they listed themselves as bi..yes I admit it) and had flirted with for a few weeks online. Flirted and became friendly with. The Goth girl was awesome; we got along famously, like the start of a great friendship. But I couldn’t detect any flirting! Do women flirt differently than guys? And I didn’t know how to be flirty with a woman. It seems different, somehow. In the end, the relationship failed for many reasons. One of which was that we lived an hour apart and she didn’t drive. Another date went horribly because at least for me, there was no attraction in person. It wasn’t her looks, it was her personality and the way she spoke. Too young, too um well that’s not politically correct so I won’t say it.

I went out with a girl I met on Okcupid last year. Again, it was like two friends hanging out. I mentioned her here very briefly (and she even let me put her up as a secret guest HNT!) and while she did kiss me at the end of our….date? hang-out? the atmosphere had still been friendly. So I was still left confused.

I’ve hung out with women I have a crush on, and guess what? No flirting. Either I’m undateable or the phenomenon Nadia (her friend, actually) calls the “Lesbian Sheep Dance” is alive and well.

I love women, but I apparently fail at dating them.

This needs to change.

May 242010

My main chat partner during the boring work days  he’s not really been around much lately. Pressures and stress from work and home coupled with just being too busy have ended with him uninterested/unavailable to talk much and frankly I think he’s depressed. It absolutely kills me that I can’t help him. I have advice, but he won’t take it yet. I care about him a lot and I hate seeing him this way. I also miss him and see the friendship fading a little in some ways.

So yes…I was finding myself lonely and bored and thought what the hell. I’ll go hunting for a hook-up (or, used to) therefore why can’t I hunt for a penpal, a chat buddy? And so, I did. In true Lilly fashion I was very forthcoming on what I wanted and didn’t want. I told a little about myself and asked for the same in return. After all, what fun is a penpal if they’re incapable of composing a proper paragraph?

Did I find what I was looking for? I found some idiots who didn’t read, of course. I found some that just didn’t appeal to me. I found a few that seemed promising at first and then…meh. I found a couple that held my interest. Nice to talk to, we had some things in common…

But then they fell to the wayside as I somehow found myself in limbo….waiting on the friend to respond. For he’s the one I prefer to talk to, even over the “new friendship energy” of others. By the time I realized that our conversation had fizzled out an hour ago and he wasn’t going to respond to me, I was pretty down in the dumps and no longer felt like answering the emails of my new penpals. Then my trips started. Washington state, and then a trip a few states away for side work, home for 3 weeks and then gone again for a weekend of work, and just now back home. With all the traveling, the prep for travel and recovery from travel and the site design jobs I have, I lost contact with the few that had some potential.

I guess I’ll keep trying. It’s not like I’m looking for a replacement. I just don’t want to rely on him so much, I guess. I don’t want to have to keep reminding myself that it’s not rejection, it’s truly not me, it really is him.



May 142010

It’s no secret that I don’t possess “normal” brain chemistry. If you want to label it, the best label is ADD-Inattentive with a side-order of fibromyalgia (body disease but also affects the brain and can act like ADD) and an occassional helping of some other as-yet-unnamed disorder. I’m not easy to treat with meds. I’m a puzzle and doctors don’t usually want to spend the time on me. I’m not responsive or overly responsive to many meds, thanks to the fibromyalgia. And so, since brain chemistry affects sex drive, mine is like a rollercoaster.

But my husband….he’s also got a dopamine-deficiency disorder. Which exact label, we’re not sure. His acts different than mine and gets treated differently from mine. He’s more susceptible to outside sources affecting his chemistry levels….from food/sugar/caffeine to emotional stresses and lack of sleep.

It’s not easy being a couple. I think he has more patience than me, because I’m losing mine. Back in December he had a big ole upswing and was better than he’d been in years. Our relationship was great, I was pleasantly surprised to be able to rely on him for husbandly duties like coming with me to visit my mother. And sex. It was more often, and better. But then a month or two later, his shitty job and his difficult programming class started to get the better of him. And it’s gone downhill. Everything.

I’m walking on eggshells. Silently losing patience and, for brief moments, respect. But then I remember that he can’t control his brain chemistry any more than I can. But then I have moments of “But *I* work and *I* go out shopping and *I* do XYZ…..why can’t HE??” and the cycle starts all over again. And the health of us individually is failing, but also the health of our relationship. I can’t even recall when we last had sex; it might be a month or two months, I’m not sure any more. We spend our evenings in different rooms of the house. He babbles on about hockey because it’s one of very few outside sources that stimulate his adrenaline and dopamine in a good way. He babbles and I tune out because as much as I want to care about something he likes, I just can’t care about hockey, lol.

I get advice but it doesn’t help because only he and I can figure us out and what to do for us. Nothing can be forced or wrenched into place. It’s true, I’m losing my patience with him and the state of things. But I’m only human…right? It doesn’t make me feel any better though about losing my temper and patience and blowing up. It doesn’t make me miss “us” any less.

If you’ve gone through this, how did you come out the other side in tact?

Apr 292010

Be it from uninformed talk or uneducated fear, or both, I know I’ve read in many places that consistent use of a vibrator on your clit will make it harder for you to orgasm without a vibrator. I can list just such a place but Epiphora already wrote a beautiful rant, and I don’t want to link to the asshole’s website any more than as little as necessary.

When you’re using the big bad vibrators like the Wahl and the Hitachi, the likes of which no human could match, I did fear there for awhile that sure I’d discovered a way to finally and reliably (usually) get off but that I could be sacrificing any chances at ever getting off WITHOUT the vibrators. Of course, I hoarded the vibrators -because- it was rare for me to orgasm without them. But it was ok; my hub was fine with it and accepted it. Casual encounters suffered (because I didn’t bring my vibe to a hook-up, lol) but then they usually did when it came to my orgasm.

the past

When I finally learned enough about my own body to know what I should be doing to achieve orgasm (many years later in life than most), I couldn’t manage it with just fingers 9 times out of 10. Partners could do it, but it was just about as rare. Now that I know more about my body, how my cunt behaves after orgasm and so on I’m actually pretty sure that I *was* having clitoral orgasms back then. It wasn’t often and it wasn’t earth-shattering (obviously, because I wasn’t even aware that I was orgasming) but it did happen. I know I enjoyed sex thoroughly and was long-since having g-spot orgasms during sex with my now-husband. But it wasn’t until I got a vibrator (or electric toothbrush) in my hands that I had an actual, pulsating, no-doubt clitoral orgasm. And then? I was addicted. Forever searching for new and improved vibrators. Why do you think I got into reviewing? ;)

the recent past

Vibrators or not, I wasn’t quick to orgasm for the first year or two until I got the bigger vibrators. It took time, more time than I sometimes cared to devote. Fingers got me close….but I either wasn’t capable of going over the edge or I just gave up too soon. I could have counted on one hand the number of times I’d had a clitoral orgasm with no vibrator involved. And I can most definitely tell you that the times it occurred that way didn’t see me as worked up as I’ve gotten while at work. But yet I was never able to come at work  without the aide of a vibrator…..sometimes even then it eluded me.Desperation to come, or not, I was completely unable to ever orgasm at work if the batteries died.

present day

Last month, I had my *second ever* clitoral orgasm from oral sex to the utter shock and glee of mostly me but my hub, too. A few months ago, I came with my silver bullet barely touching my clit….I wasn’t even trying, but boy I was sure watching an arousing scene!

Recently I experienced a new first. TWO orgasms achieved with nothing more than my finger on my clit; two in the same evening, without g-spot stimulation (which had been necessary in the past); two before my fingers/hands/wrists even had time to get tired and sore. The first one I actually had to purposely hold back on. I was watching porn, at the time. Not real porn, no I prefer amateur stuff that’s “we’ve forgotten or don’t know there’s a camera there” type as you well know. Point is…..two somewhat-easy orgasms with no vibrators!! Woohoo! And then a week later? It happened again! Not consistently but that’s to be expected.


Haven’t I been assaulting it now for months and months with vibrators that would make some women back away in fear?

I’m not looking a gift horse in the mouth, though. I’m going to continue my non-vibrator research. Oh you betcha!

Mar 292010

Thanks to this blog I’ve been to NYC four times now whereas I’d never been there before. I’ve become friends with people all over the country, and even in other hemispheres! But this time, the blog is taking me to Seattle.

Literally, the blog, because it’s advertising money that bought my plane ticket, lol.

Why Seattle, you might ask? My girl, Coy Pink, lives in Washington State and so I’m going to visit her in a month from now and one of my days there she’s going to show me around Seattle. There’s another reason for our visit, but I’m keeping that a secret for awhile ;)

I’m actually pretty damn nervous about it, to be honest. For one, she’s hot. Have you seen her???? I go to her HNT’s first and um, well, I tend to save some on my hard drive…..ya know…..for um. artistic inspiration. Um. yeah. Aaaaaanyways. For two…..I’ve essentially never flown before, and I’m doing the flight all on my own cause I’m a big kid now! I’m afraid of heights. I’m afraid to fly. I get all furklemptz when I have to go blindly into places & situations that I’ve never been in. I would honestly not be surprised if at some point during the trip I screw up and miss a plane. Sadly I couldn’t afford a no-stops plane so I have layovers both ways in Atlanta for an hour or so.

If you’ve been in the Atlanta airport, tell me a few good places to eat!!! I’ll be there for breakfast on Saturday and dinner on Monday. I don’t think they serve food on flights anymore, right?

For anybody who has flown out of the Seatac airport – do I REALLY NEED to get there a full two hours before a flight?? Really? Truly?

Totally Random Unrelated Question Time:

Does it bother you when people mis-spell your name? Am I being childish when it bothers me that someone will call me Lily when it says Lilly right there in front of them be it in the comment field, my email sig, or Twitter? How bout I just call you Tom or Jane next time, regardless of your actual name?

God I’m getting cranky in my old age. In a couple of months I’ll be more into my mid-30’s than early-30’s.

Mar 232010

So you’ve noticed that the blog has been pretty quiet, as I prepped for the trip and then was of course actually in the city. I’m not yet recovered from it…..my body isn’t happy with what I did to it, lol. Swollen feet and ankles (never had that happen before) and tired and achey everywhere else. Apparently fibromyalgia and lots of walking in short time periods don’t mix! Be sure to check out all the links, I’ve got some photos hidden in them!


I arrived at our hotel which was more upscale than I’m accustomed to. It was a much-needed suite (you can’t put 4 women in standard hotel room) complete with a mini-bar (yeah, never had one of those, either) filled with overpriced crap. I pretty much arrived, unpacked, got ready for a night out and then we left. Headed to Fontana’s for drinks and to eat dumplings purchased across the street. Yum! Then we headed over to HappyEndings, a converted brothel-to-bar for my first attendance at an In The Flesh reading. Mollena was my favorite of the night. The place was p-a-c-k-e-d way more tightly than I can tolerate but our crew got there early to set up and snagged the front corner tables and seats. So many people stood, it was ridiculous. Craziness ensued as we escorted a drunk cohort back to the hotel where we ordered delivery of the best cheesesteak sub I’ve ever had (ok so it was likely due to the fact that I was tired, starving and not sober).

At some point that evening in the hotel I tried on a pair of Princess Kali‘s heels. I’ve always known that my ankles (which have been weak since childhood) wouldn’t tolerate 6″ heels but holymotherofpearl it was ridiculous. I stood. I wobbled. I took a step and wobbled a lot more before my feet yelled “get ’em off!!!!” 2 minutes in. Femme Fail.


We stumbled to the free full-buffet breakfast in the hotel, all in our pj’s. After some inappropriate banana-sculpting (with her mouth) Tess and I went for a walk. We saw the shire and oooed and aahhed over it (it really is beautiful and amazing, read about it here), and continued down the waterfront along the Esplanade. I got some great pics and we made it to some little overlook thingie before I cried uncle and we headed back. I was sad that we didn’t quite make it to Battery Park, but my body couldn’t do anymore.

Lunch was a most awesome chicken burrito over at Blockheads; we ate with the corporates outside on the steps of 4 World Financial Building. As we waited for our food I stared down the eye candy…..hot men in suits and button-down shirts; hot trendy-but-corporate young women in fabulous heels.

The evening was spent with Madison Young at a spectacular event hosted by my good friends of Tied Up Events. To get us and all our party stuff there we had to take a car service which just happened to be a stretch limo. My first time ever in a limo! At one point a bunch of tourists took pics of the limo and it was hysterical….moreso when Princess Kali started waving. Between her European looks and her tiara I bet they thought she was blue-blood royalty, lol. The wine-and-chocolate private party got raunchy when people had their photos taken with Madison Young……wherein they ate pieces of chocolate off her body and oh yeah….she wasn’t wearing panties. So fucking hot to watch it all. And yes, I stared like the perv I am. The public party was great too where I met a few new awesome NYC people and chatted up ones I’ve met before at previous events. Due to all the walking I did already in the day, I gave up on wearing “cute and proper” dress shoes in favor of my new Crocs which those who saw, loved. That made me feel better!


All intentions of another after-breakfast walk went out the window when we returned to our room and sat down. Then we weren’t gettin up. I had a little snafu with losing my goddamn paypal debit card….but in the end I got cash and deactivated the card and all was mostly well thanks to the First National Bank of Diva. Eventually, Princess Kali and I took a cab to Astor Place and walked and shopped a bit. Got some half-decent NY pizza (ricotta dollops ON PIZZA? hells yes). Headed back to the hotel to prep for the Kink Academy Open House event, yet another successful Tied Up Events deal. Enjoyed kinky demonstrations and fulfilled my perverted duty of staring at this one KA instructor’s ass under her criminally short skirt anytime she bent over. Further discussed cooking and NY restaurants with a handsome and wise bald-headed fellow. Had dinner at PJ Clarke’s, which afore-mentioned guy recommended, and then I crashed.


All hopes of squeezing in more sightseeing went out the window. My body went on strike and apparently so did everyone else’s. In fact I don’t recall good chunks of Sunday.

Final Thoughts

I need to make a weekend trip there and set up dates with people who live there, to have them show me around. I’m not entirely into the touristy crap but I do have my destinations I want to see, like Battery Park and Coney Island (and yes I know they’re far away from each other) and the Cloisters. Mostly though I just want to see the city, the buildings and architecture and have some good food.