Jul 142011

I wouldn’t say I’m using Okcupid for dates, per se, right now. I’m just not in a date-like frame of mind anymore it seems. But I AM actively using it to find like-minded friends, even friends with no chance of having benefits on the side. That’s my preference right now because I need like minded friends, live and in person, because I really really badly miss my bubble.

There’s people on OKC who answer a lot of questions, and people who don’t. All I can hope is that they’ve answered the ones that are important to me; the ones that make or break it. These answers have saved me from big wastes of time; once, I didn’t quite listen to the answers and had a 3-month waste of time.

These questions help me weed out people who would find my looks or my availability status to be less-than-ideal. I’ve actually had guys still hit on me when our answers do not match up which blows my mind. Both times when I’ve called the guy out on it they’ve said “oh we can work around that” or “I’m not sure why I answered it that way, I find you attractive”. Most times I don’t bother to call them out on it, I just ignore them (or  in cases or people who looked like we could potentially be a match outside of friendship while doing my own searches, unfavorable answers meant I didn’t message them).

  • Can overweight people still be sexy?
  • If one of your potential matches was overweight, would that be a dealbreaker?
  • Would you consider connecting with someone whose relationship status is ‘seeing someone’ or ‘married’?
  • How willing are you to meet someone from OkCupid in person?1
  • Would you date someone who was already in a committed relationship with someone else?

These next questions help me determine their queer-frame-of-mind, lifestyle and general “If you don’t know this, I can’t know you” fields.

  • Do you ever feel the need to get really drunk? 2
  • Do you believe in dinosaurs? 3
  • To you, is abortion an option in case of an unwanted accidental pregnancy?4
  • “Wherefore art thou Romeo?” What does “wherefore” mean in this context?5
  • Straight women who kiss or fondle each other in clubs in the hopes of attracting men are… 6
  • How important is religion/God in your life? 7
  • Is contraception morally wrong?
  • Which is closest to your reaction to foul language? 8
  • Do you like cats? Would you consider owning a cat as a pet? 9
  • Did you join OkCupid just so you could find people to have sex with? 10
  • The idea of gay and lesbian couples having children is: 11
  • Which best represents your opinion of same-sex relationships?

Some people on the site blow off the “matching algorithm” but I don’t. It’s based mostly on these questions, and they’re usually pretty right. I have, happily, made two female friends that I will soon be meeting in person. I need more female friends in my life. Really do. It can be a bit disheartening when I put so much effort into my profile and making it really “me” and then I find someone who sounds really awesome and we’re a great mathematical match and I message them along the lines of “Hey you’re rad, let’s be friends” (but not as pathetic as that) and then I never hear from them. Puzzling is when I message them and they never respond but I see them checking out my profile once a week or so. No, my fat ass didn’t magically melt off, I am no more attractive to you. Is the “bisexual married to a man” thing going to make a lesbian dismiss me totally even as a friend? So far seems to be the case, unless of course they all just find my personality revolting *shrugs*.

There’s a lot of other questions that I’ve ranked “somewhat important”; they’re not deal-breakers but I still consider them if they give an answer that I didn’t choose as being acceptable to me.

One odd thing to note: Whenever I encounter a person who matches me in either friend/match high 80’s or above, and they’ve answered the “How often do you use Twitter” question is it always answered as “never”. I’ve put it as an important question to me I guess because I’m not sure I’d know how to communicate with someone who isn’t tied much to online/social media.

So if you’re on OkC, what are YOUR deal-breaker questions?

Don’t worry, there’s been enough activity for a Dickhead Files post or two in the near future ;)

  1. The only answer I deem acceptable on this one is “totally willing”, and I even put in an explanation of “If you’re not totally willing, then what the fuck are you doing here?”
  2. often” is unacceptable
  3. “no” is unacceptable
  4. I went into this paragraph-long ranty rant in my explanation for this question directed to those who might answer “no”
  5. I am by no means a student of Shakespeare and I retained very little from High School but for chrissakes if you don’t know that “wherefore” means “why” then I will slap you
  6. anything other than “profoundly annoying” is the wrong answer
  7. “extremely important” is the only wrong answer
  8. if it bothers you a lot, we will have problems
  9. if you truly dislike cats, that’s really not ideal
  10. Answer “yes”? Move along, then
  11. acceptable/unacceptable, you know the right answer in my eyes
Apr 292011

I write this post on my last day of the job I was working when I started this blog. It wouldn’t feel right to not blog today while at work.

Well. Kind of. 2 years ago we were “restructured” and so while I still worked for the same branch and in the same block of buildings, my job duties and the building I worked in changed. And with that change back then also coincided the beginning of changes in what I’d be able to get away with at work. There was a time with a certain man when it was commonplace for me to be masturbating at my desk while chatting away with him or someone else, taking photos to be shared with him, someone else, and/or the blog. Usually all three.

So while I will walk away today from this building and these particular coworkers knowing that it’s not the place I sat the day I first penned this blog, it’s still “the place I started this blog” at. And through fate, and the butterfly effect, it is roundabout because of this blog that I am leaving this job today and this state in a week. This fact alone is utterly mind-boggling to me: that because of connections of connections I made through this blog my life is changing in a hundred ways. I never imagined that anything connected to this blog would have such a huge impact on me but this is the final straw of being proved wrong, and not the first time I’ve been proved wrong on that subject. While this blog is not over, this chapter of my life is and I have changed.

Yesterday I felt compelled to do two things “for old time’s sake”; the things that were once the staple and theme of this blog. I snapped some risky risque shots (to be shown in upcoming WantonWednesday posts), inspired to recreate the first office photo taken. I then pulled out my trusty silver bullet vibrator and orgasmed at my desk, again, one last time. I didn’t do it for the reasons of old…..sadly. I had no chat companion saying dirty things to me, no erotica fiction tumbling forth from my fingertips. And it was with sadness that I realized I had no one to show the photos to, either. Yes, you all….. But back when I was taking these regularly it was always for someone else. A request, a demand, a dare. And this time I had nobody to giggle and send the snaps to. It was a very melancholy realization. The nature and backbone of this blog has changed….for better or for worse, I don’t know. My social-sexual life is nothing like it was that first summer of blogging or the first year even. Will it ever be again? I don’t know.

I’ve always been the sentimental sort. To a fault. I didn’t much like high school; I wasn’t popular, I hated the school itself and the throng of other students pressing around you at all times, I hated the classwork and etc. But yet I still had connections. I still “grew up” there. Had friends. On the last day of high school I cried. I took photos. I looked around at every period of the day with purposeful eyes, trying to memorize everything. I knew that life was changing and even though I was leaving behind a chapter that wasn’t always good to me it still held a treasured place in my life. That’s kind of how I’m viewing this last day. Did I start the blog *because* I worked here? Because of my dire boredom back then? Quite possibly, yes. I started it not long after I found a way around the very restrictive internet policy (I used a remote login site called Logmein.com, and just did everything via my home computer. In later times I would up the security to accessing Logmein from Portable Firefox loaded up on a usb memory key). I browsed OkCupid and made acquaintances that led to me creating this blog. To finding the world of sex-blogging in general. While this city and what we thought we’d get out of the move to here ultimately let us down, I think I’m realizing that it was a necessary step. We were meant to be here at this time. It doesn’t make it suck less, I can’t stop viewing it as somewhat of a stall to our lives (because the progressions and gains that were “supposed” to happen, didn’t)…..but it brought us to this day. To next week. To the next big chapter.

So yes, while I won’t miss much of anything concrete here – (not the buildings, or the way things are run, or the job I did, or most of the people around me, or the office itself, or the commute, or the downtown city, or for that matter our apartment) save for one or two people and the simple convenience of many stores being in a close driving distance – I am a little sentimental about this day. To be certain though I am happy for it’s arrival. I am happy at the prospect of my future after our move, happy to move on from this place and this state and the ideals here.

But I won’t forget what this place did to me, for me, brought me. I have no ties, though, no true friends and no family in this city. The few friends I made here will shortly fade away I’m sure…..and so there you have it.

It’s time to go.


Other than a WW post next week, expect this place to remain fairly quiet yet until we move and get a little settled in. I think both hubs and I have kinda been unconsciously waiting on me to be done with work for the full-throttle srs bzns packing to begin (which doesn’t leave us much time to do it, but then I think we both perform best under pressure).

Aug 302010

This post? Not about teh sexy. If you come here solely for that, this is fair warning that you can safely skip this post.

I’ve been living in abject fear for the last 3 months. The occasional moment of relief and self-pride, but honestly…..not much of it. Constant fear……of failure. Fear of tempations I won’t be able to resist. Fear of self-sabotage.

Why? I joined Weight Watchers. After a few health problems cropped up that may or may not be weight-related, combined with the utter disgust in the plus-size clothes market, I decided to lose weight.

I never thought it would be easy. I knew going in that I have food addiction issues not much different from a drug or alcohol addict. Except….I can’t just avoid bars and get a new set of clean-and-sober friends. I’ve broken down in tears numerous times. I’ve completely lost my shit because I wanted something and knew I couldn’t have it because it was *just that bad for me*.

I take comfort in numbers, logic and science. I like knowing how things work, and why. I like numbers that keep tabs on things, give me comparison points, etc. In many aspects of my life. And with this attempt at Weight Watchers, I’m embracing the numbers and using the fact that I’m always online and at my computer to make the most out of their e-tools (I don’t go ot meetings). But when the logic and reason don’t add up to the numbers? I lose it. I lose my grip, my sanity, my “I can do this”. When I look at what I’ve eaten for the week, when I look at all I’ve changed in my diet, when I think about the exercise…..and then the scale doesn’t give me a proper hearty congratulations? I lose it. I lean heavily on my bestfriend R because he’s got the knowledge and intelligence to explain the why’s and the nonsensical to me so that even though I don’t *like* the answer, I can take comfort in having an answer.I keep trying to find a pattern between how many points I’ve consumed, how many I’ve earned with exercise, and how much I lost. I can’t find a pattern. I can’t find a certain angle to work to get the best weight loss numbers consistently (or mostly consistently) each week.

Right now I’m hovering in the 22-25 pound loss range. I’ve had two bad food weekends and despite now taking a water aerobics class, it’s not making up for the bad weekends. I keep coming close to giving up. I avoid social situations that revolve around food as best as I can because I don’t want to sit there and be grumpy because I can’t have what my brain and tongue wants.

And please….before anybody attempts a “helpful” comment on which diet/lifestyle plan might work better for me? Don’t.

Don’t worry, this won’t become a weight loss blog. I’ll mention it few and far between here. Can’t say the same for Twitter though, those who follow me hear a lot about it to the point of boredom I’m sure. But I’m writing about this more to explain my mental status as of late, and why this blog is faltering. I’m hard on myself sometimes…..really hard. And when I fail, and when I can’t have what I want, I get grumpy. And man have I been grumpy. Cranky. Irritable. Pissed the hell off. But I’m trying to get past that.  In the past, one of the reasons I ate (besides my love of food) was to affect my brain chemistry. A burst of dopamine, a calming bite of this, an energizing bite of that…..and I can’t do that anymore.

Aug 232010

My husband and I travel to a place on Maryland’s Eastern Shore nearly every year. We’ve been going there now for something like 11 or 12 years. It started out as my “birthday present” trip, we’d go right around my birthday. Since we were staying at a place owned by his parents, we were able to spend more on dinners out than we normally could. After all, the seafood there is half the reason we go! Yum, blue crab! In our old life, these yearly 3-6 day vacations there became our beacon of hope – our escape from a life in a town we hated, with jobs we hated, in living situations we hated. The town we stay in is catered to people a little higher class than my family grew up as, but he was accustomed to it. I loved it while at the same time felt a little out of place.

So one night a few years ago, we had driven over to a town a few miles down to watch the sun set on the tiny bit of beach there. It’s about 20 miles to get from our spot on our little “finger” of land that pokes into the bay, to the other town and other finger. On the drive back, I can’t recall who was driving but my hands started wandering. Soon we were driving past rich homes filled with proper people while his cock was out and I was giving him a very teasing handjob. We both got so worked up that, a mere 4 miles from where we called home that week, I decided to pull over and take things up a notch.

I pulled into the parking lot of a store we’d never been in; the store, as most things there, closed before sunset. I chose that parking lot and that store because there were no parking lot lights. Of course it WAS pretty darn close to the road. Close enough that people driving by would likely be able to see us sitting there…….or rather, him sitting (I’m remembering now that I’d been driving) in the passenger seat and…..no one in the drivers seat, in the parking lot of a store that was closed. And this road was by no means less-traveled.

In the dark, in the car, in the parking lot of a somewhat posh store, he got a fantastic blowjob as uptight conservatives drove past us.

The next year when we came back to town for our annual vacation, we noticed that the posh store had done something we’d never seen in the 6 or so prior years. They’d enclosed their parking lot in a chains – n – fence post sort of thing with chains preventing anybody from entering their parking lot after hours.


It was then that we realized they likely have security cameras outside their store, since a number of heavy/large garden accessories for sale sat outside their walls.

Every year we go back down there for vacations, and every single time we pass that store (which is usually multiple times during a trip, since it must be passed everytime we leave the town) my husband sighs contentedly, smiles and gets a little rush of memory of that risque blowjob in the parking lot.

Aug 122010

Remember this swimsuit?

It worked well for me back when I wore it for physical therapy.

But now I’m wearing it for my newly-joined water aerobics classes. Thankfully the class takes place in the deep end of the pool so class participants can’t see but I am sure that people walking around the pool could see, if they looked.

I keep slowly popping out. More than a few times at last night’s class I had to surreptitiously tuck my nipples back into the swimsuit.

It just ain’t cool. So this weekend I’m going to try and fix the suit. Perhaps by sewing the straps a little tighter. I can’t really think of anything else. Maybe sewing a frog in between the cups?

Aug 042010

On my trip back at the end of April (yes, it’s taken me this long to write about it!!) to see Coy Pink , one of our days was spent in Seattle – sightseeing, lunch with Scarlet, and my first trip to a Real Sex Toy Store. It was a seriously fun day. The Pike Place Market? Wow. It literally hurt my heart to keep walking by all this gorgeous produce and SEAFOOD and not be able to buy it and cook it up. I did, however, buy some fancy Moscato grapes  – a type used to make a sweet white wine – that just blew away any boring seedless grape I can get in my state.

As a teenager I was dared to enter the crusty, filthy local “adult” store boasting videos and Live Girls and comfortable viewing booths. I recall the famed Horse Dildo up on the wall, and the rest I’ve blocked out. On my last visit to NYC, BadBadGirl and I ducked into a jam-packed store. They had a large selection, particularly of costumes and lingerie, as well as toys but all were in boxes or behind glass. I didn’t feel uncomfortable in there, but it didn’t impress me much.

So, Babeland. It was interesting – kinda small, smaller than I expected it to be but then they don’t have a huge inventory even online. Of course, they also don’t carry shitty toys and jelly items galore. I take quality over quantity any day – plus the ability to handle the toys and turn them on??? Priceless. For someone who does all of their sex toy shopping online, this was a very cool experience. And educational, for me.

JimmyJane Toys

Man, talk about overall disappointment with a brand. The Form 2 was underwhelming in power once any pressure was applied to the vibrating “tongs”. The Form 6 didn’t seem to have anything over the Lelo Elise. The slimline metal vibrators that they make in various  types of metals didn’t do much for me. The Iconic Collection of bland, white toys was as boring as their lack of color. JimmyJane is touted as a luxury brand but to be frank I saw no just cause for their luxe prices.

Delight and Curve

The Fun Factory Delight and Curve have been on my list of consideration for review for years now. I didn’t get to test out the vibrations of the Delight but both toys were smaller overall (size, girth, length) than I expected. I’m probably a little less interested in them now.

Tenga Flip Masturbation Sleeve

I have to admit, if I were a man I’d probably pick the Tenga Flip over a Fleshlight just because it looks so darn cool. And yes, we all stuck our fingers in the male masturbators.

Mystic Wand

Another one of the many “massager” style vibrators, this one is about the size of an Acuvibe Mini and has the trademark vibration style of deep, rumbly and powerful. Quite nice, actually.

Better Than Chocolate

In person, it looks cheaply made. The vibrations felt fairly weak and buzzy, as well. We got it turned on but we couldn’t really get that “intuitive slider bar” to work and change speeds. Glad I’ve passed on it to review before!

Lelo Mona, Nea, Ina

While the new Ina and Mona felt a little more powerful than Lelo’s first run of vibes, I’m still undecided on them. Mostly with Ina my concern is it fitting my anatomy. Any rabbit-style vibe though carries that question. I’d never reviewed the little Nea or Lily because of concerns that the vibration type would be the same as Mia (surface and buzzy) but man are they cute, little and pretty! Especially the Nea. It made me a little sad when I saw that their reincarnation of the minis, the Siri (the pink that Babeland carries is like the old style, but EdenFantasys carries a bright purple and red like the Mona), carries the color style of the Ina and Mona – half white, half bright ass solid. The Nea always appealed to me aesthetically.

The Crybaby, Remote Panty Vibe, Bnaughty Unleashed

Ugh. Just…..no. Granted, I have no idea if Babeland keeps their batteries fresh in these toys but they all felt very “meh” to me. Certainly not worth the cost and would provide a tease, not an orgasm. Since my visit there, Babeland no longer carries the Bnaughty wireless vibe, but they had it in that store. Perhaps they realized it wasn’t very good? Let’s hope. Sadly, wireless remote bullet vibes have to come a lonnnng way  yet before they’re ever worth their pricetag.


I didn’t think it was possible, but this toy looked and felt even more disturbing in person than it does in photos. It’s mechanically noisy and just… no. No no and no.


Due to the concept and geekiness of the toy it’s something I’ve wanted to try for a long time. But holding it, feeling it, I now really know that it would be the right toy for me. It’s pretty tame, as far as sensation delivered and vibration. Neat, but not for me.

Go Girl vs P Style

The Pstyle is a lot harder than I expected. It’s rigid plastic and can’t bend, so I have to wonder how portable it really would be for a FTM to carry around inconspicuously. The Go Girl was nice, pliant silicone but I’ve read some reviews that indicate it’s a little harder to use and not have a mess / aim with this one.

There were so many other toys there that I can’t remember their name or what exactly I thought of them. It was a little overwhelming! I hate that all the things I remembered seem to be so negative but I know what I personally like and I was hunting down the toys I’ve been wondering about for some time now. In October when I’m in NY I hope to be able to get in a visit to another store, either Babeland or maybe the Pleasure Chest which is where one of my fellow calendar models works, Brandon B.