Posted by Lilly | 14 Comments

I couldn’t think of a title

This post? Not about teh sexy. If you come here solely for that, this is fair warning that you can safely skip this post.

I’ve been living in abject fear for the last 3 months. The occasional moment of relief and self-pride, but honestly…..not much of it. Constant fear……of failure. Fear of tempations I won’t be able to resist. Fear of self-sabotage.

Why? I joined Weight Watchers. After a few health problems cropped up that may or may not be weight-related, combined with the utter disgust in the plus-size clothes market, I decided to lose weight.

I never thought it would be easy. I knew going in that I have food addiction issues not much different from a drug or alcohol addict. Except….I can’t just avoid bars and get a new set of clean-and-sober friends. I’ve broken down in tears numerous times. I’ve completely lost my shit because I wanted something and knew I couldn’t have it because it was *just that bad for me*.

I take comfort in numbers, logic and science. I like knowing how things work, and why. I like numbers that keep tabs on things, give me comparison points, etc. In many aspects of my life. And with this attempt at Weight Watchers, I’m embracing the numbers and using the fact that I’m always online and at my computer to make the most out of their e-tools (I don’t go ot meetings). But when the logic and reason don’t add up to the numbers? I lose it. I lose my grip, my sanity, my “I can do this”. When I look at what I’ve eaten for the week, when I look at all I’ve changed in my diet, when I think about the exercise…..and then the scale doesn’t give me a proper hearty congratulations? I lose it. I lean heavily on my bestfriend R because he’s got the knowledge and intelligence to explain the why’s and the nonsensical to me so that even though I don’t *like* the answer, I can take comfort in having an answer.I keep trying to find a pattern between how many points I’ve consumed, how many I’ve earned with exercise, and how much I lost. I can’t find a pattern. I can’t find a certain angle to work to get the best weight loss numbers consistently (or mostly consistently) each week.

Right now I’m hovering in the 22-25 pound loss range. I’ve had two bad food weekends and despite now taking a water aerobics class, it’s not making up for the bad weekends. I keep coming close to giving up. I avoid social situations that revolve around food as best as I can because I don’t want to sit there and be grumpy because I can’t have what my brain and tongue wants.

And please….before anybody attempts a “helpful” comment on which diet/lifestyle plan might work better for me? Don’t.

Don’t worry, this won’t become a weight loss blog. I’ll mention it few and far between here. Can’t say the same for Twitter though, those who follow me hear a lot about it to the point of boredom I’m sure. But I’m writing about this more to explain my mental status as of late, and why this blog is faltering. I’m hard on myself sometimes…..really hard. And when I fail, and when I can’t have what I want, I get grumpy. And man have I been grumpy. Cranky. Irritable. Pissed the hell off. But I’m trying to get past that.  In the past, one of the reasons I ate (besides my love of food) was to affect my brain chemistry. A burst of dopamine, a calming bite of this, an energizing bite of that…..and I can’t do that anymore.

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Posted by Lilly | 9 Comments

Wanton Wednesday: A Week of Phone Porn

Monday

First full day with the new phone

Sammi ( what, I can’t name my phone?) has replaced my netbook for at-home-but-don’t-want-to-be-in-my-office web browsing. It facilitates stuck-in-traffic amusement. A spark here and there as I glance at a TwitPic from some hot chick, or follow a link from Twitter to a hot post.

Tuesday

Ooohh, fancy camera!

Tuesday shows a return to WW after I found some really artistic camera-effect apps. I’m still looking for more and playing around with settings. My only gripe is that I find it a lot harder to take self-shot camera-phone pics with this new phone, as the “shutter” button is on the touchscreen and a lot of fumbles and mis-fires occur in trying to get a decent pic.

Wednesday

Raising the heart rate

I’d forgotten my ipod, and haven’t yet put music on my phone, so I puttered around on Twitter and such during my lunchtime walk. Someone I follow was retweeting links to some chicks TwitPics and uh…..wow. (also, I’m such a “guy” sometimes, I get frustrated if there’s a lead-up of sexy pics and no vulgar display of vulva) This chick had a gorgeous body and loved to show it off. Yay! Of course this also left me incredibly horny.

Thursday

stealth reading

While browsing the archives of my current favorite haunt for makes-me-wet written erotica, and subsequently trying to manually jerk off in the ladies room, I was reminded why I used to always have a vibrator with me at work. I finally emerged from the stall with weak legs, a flushed face and an ultimately unsatisfied cunt. I just couldn’t quite get there.

Friday

surprise smut

A much-loved but costly app is the Amazon Kindle app. The app itself is free…..it’s the books that aren’t cheap. I tend to enjoy chick-lit, modern romance books a la Jennifer Crusie, etc. Pure escapist fun stuff. What do we have here? Surprise smutty sex scene! yay! So now I can purchase hot short-story sexy anthologies for when I need a fix and I’m not able to hold a book in my hand.

Tuesday

heavy breathing….ask and ye shall receive

Long ago and far away there was a young man I flirted around with online and we (especially he) had a penchant for utilizing the “leave a voice message” feature of Google Talk. I’ve always loved listening to people jerk off. Men, women, I love it all. Thanks to cell phones, web sites, and more I’ve listened to a number of people that I’ll never meet as they forget I’m listening and just let…go. The hitch in their breathing, the whimpers and groans and moans, the sighs, the orgasm….. *sigh yum*

So today, I asked on Twitter if any women would be interested and brave enough to leave me a voicemail (and by that I mean heavy breathing etc hehe) on my Google Voice number. I had a couple say they might but I’m still waiting on these gorgeous gals to follow thru ;) One lovely gentleman did leave me a short naughty bit. And one anonymous (I’ll see if she outs herself in comments) girl who left me the MOST delectable voicemail in exchange for the following photo:

I queried on Twitter if perhaps maybe I should put up a Google Voice widget here and see what I get…..and so, I’m doing it. I’m eyeing up a few ladies who said they’d do it if I put the widget up. Most likely it won’t stay up forever. You get only 3 minutes, so make it good!

(type in your initials, nickname, whatever. then your cell phone number or whatever. you can click on “keep private” and i won’t see your number. then answer your phone! it’ll ring, and when you answer it will connect you to my voicemail. simple!)

(oh and, you don’t need to have google voice to do this….your own phone will work, GV calls you from a ghosted number and then you leave me the msg, and it doesn’t tell me your real #)

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Posted by Lilly | 5 Comments

Confessional: Annual Reminder

My husband and I travel to a place on Maryland’s Eastern Shore nearly every year. We’ve been going there now for something like 11 or 12 years. It started out as my “birthday present” trip, we’d go right around my birthday. Since we were staying at a place owned by his parents, we were able to spend more on dinners out than we normally could. After all, the seafood there is half the reason we go! Yum, blue crab! In our old life, these yearly 3-6 day vacations there became our beacon of hope – our escape from a life in a town we hated, with jobs we hated, in living situations we hated. The town we stay in is catered to people a little higher class than my family grew up as, but he was accustomed to it. I loved it while at the same time felt a little out of place.

So one night a few years ago, we had driven over to a town a few miles down to watch the sun set on the tiny bit of beach there. It’s about 20 miles to get from our spot on our little “finger” of land that pokes into the bay, to the other town and other finger. On the drive back, I can’t recall who was driving but my hands started wandering. Soon we were driving past rich homes filled with proper people while his cock was out and I was giving him a very teasing handjob. We both got so worked up that, a mere 4 miles from where we called home that week, I decided to pull over and take things up a notch.

I pulled into the parking lot of a store we’d never been in; the store, as most things there, closed before sunset. I chose that parking lot and that store because there were no parking lot lights. Of course it WAS pretty darn close to the road. Close enough that people driving by would likely be able to see us sitting there…….or rather, him sitting (I’m remembering now that I’d been driving) in the passenger seat and…..no one in the drivers seat, in the parking lot of a store that was closed. And this road was by no means less-traveled.

In the dark, in the car, in the parking lot of a somewhat posh store, he got a fantastic blowjob as uptight conservatives drove past us.

The next year when we came back to town for our annual vacation, we noticed that the posh store had done something we’d never seen in the 6 or so prior years. They’d enclosed their parking lot in a chains – n – fence post sort of thing with chains preventing anybody from entering their parking lot after hours.

*blush*

It was then that we realized they likely have security cameras outside their store, since a number of heavy/large garden accessories for sale sat outside their walls.

Every year we go back down there for vacations, and every single time we pass that store (which is usually multiple times during a trip, since it must be passed everytime we leave the town) my husband sighs contentedly, smiles and gets a little rush of memory of that risque blowjob in the parking lot.

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Posted by Lilly | 10 Comments

What’s good for the Gander isn’t always good for the Goose

Remember this swimsuit?

It worked well for me back when I wore it for physical therapy.

But now I’m wearing it for my newly-joined water aerobics classes. Thankfully the class takes place in the deep end of the pool so class participants can’t see but I am sure that people walking around the pool could see, if they looked.

I keep slowly popping out. More than a few times at last night’s class I had to surreptitiously tuck my nipples back into the swimsuit.

It just ain’t cool. So this weekend I’m going to try and fix the suit. Perhaps by sewing the straps a little tighter. I can’t really think of anything else. Maybe sewing a frog in between the cups?

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Posted by Lilly | 7 Comments

A trip to Babeland and Seattle

On my trip back at the end of April (yes, it’s taken me this long to write about it!!) to see Coy Pink , one of our days was spent in Seattle – sightseeing, lunch with Scarlet, and my first trip to a Real Sex Toy Store. It was a seriously fun day. The Pike Place Market? Wow. It literally hurt my heart to keep walking by all this gorgeous produce and SEAFOOD and not be able to buy it and cook it up. I did, however, buy some fancy Moscato grapes  – a type used to make a sweet white wine – that just blew away any boring seedless grape I can get in my state.

As a teenager I was dared to enter the crusty, filthy local “adult” store boasting videos and Live Girls and comfortable viewing booths. I recall the famed Horse Dildo up on the wall, and the rest I’ve blocked out. On my last visit to NYC, BadBadGirl and I ducked into a jam-packed store. They had a large selection, particularly of costumes and lingerie, as well as toys but all were in boxes or behind glass. I didn’t feel uncomfortable in there, but it didn’t impress me much.

So, Babeland. It was interesting – kinda small, smaller than I expected it to be but then they don’t have a huge inventory even online. Of course, they also don’t carry shitty toys and jelly items galore. I take quality over quantity any day – plus the ability to handle the toys and turn them on??? Priceless. For someone who does all of their sex toy shopping online, this was a very cool experience. And educational, for me.

JimmyJane Toys

Man, talk about overall disappointment with a brand. The Form 2 was underwhelming in power once any pressure was applied to the vibrating “tongs”. The Form 6 didn’t seem to have anything over the Lelo Elise. The slimline metal vibrators that they make in various  types of metals didn’t do much for me. The Iconic Collection of bland, white toys was as boring as their lack of color. JimmyJane is touted as a luxury brand but to be frank I saw no just cause for their luxe prices.

Delight and Curve

The Fun Factory Delight and Curve have been on my list of consideration for review for years now. I didn’t get to test out the vibrations of the Delight but both toys were smaller overall (size, girth, length) than I expected. I’m probably a little less interested in them now.

Tenga Flip Masturbation Sleeve

I have to admit, if I were a man I’d probably pick the Tenga Flip over a Fleshlight just because it looks so darn cool. And yes, we all stuck our fingers in the male masturbators.

Mystic Wand

Another one of the many “massager” style vibrators, this one is about the size of an Acuvibe Mini and has the trademark vibration style of deep, rumbly and powerful. Quite nice, actually.

Better Than Chocolate

In person, it looks cheaply made. The vibrations felt fairly weak and buzzy, as well. We got it turned on but we couldn’t really get that “intuitive slider bar” to work and change speeds. Glad I’ve passed on it to review before!

Lelo Mona, Nea, Ina

While the new Ina and Mona felt a little more powerful than Lelo’s first run of vibes, I’m still undecided on them. Mostly with Ina my concern is it fitting my anatomy. Any rabbit-style vibe though carries that question. I’d never reviewed the little Nea or Lily because of concerns that the vibration type would be the same as Mia (surface and buzzy) but man are they cute, little and pretty! Especially the Nea. It made me a little sad when I saw that their reincarnation of the minis, the Siri (the pink that Babeland carries is like the old style, but EdenFantasys carries a bright purple and red like the Mona), carries the color style of the Ina and Mona – half white, half bright ass solid. The Nea always appealed to me aesthetically.

The Crybaby, Remote Panty Vibe, Bnaughty Unleashed

Ugh. Just…..no. Granted, I have no idea if Babeland keeps their batteries fresh in these toys but they all felt very “meh” to me. Certainly not worth the cost and would provide a tease, not an orgasm. Since my visit there, Babeland no longer carries the Bnaughty wireless vibe, but they had it in that store. Perhaps they realized it wasn’t very good? Let’s hope. Sadly, wireless remote bullet vibes have to come a lonnnng way  yet before they’re ever worth their pricetag.

Sqweel

I didn’t think it was possible, but this toy looked and felt even more disturbing in person than it does in photos. It’s mechanically noisy and just… no. No no and no.

Sasi

Due to the concept and geekiness of the toy it’s something I’ve wanted to try for a long time. But holding it, feeling it, I now really know that it would be the right toy for me. It’s pretty tame, as far as sensation delivered and vibration. Neat, but not for me.

Go Girl vs P Style

The Pstyle is a lot harder than I expected. It’s rigid plastic and can’t bend, so I have to wonder how portable it really would be for a FTM to carry around inconspicuously. The Go Girl was nice, pliant silicone but I’ve read some reviews that indicate it’s a little harder to use and not have a mess / aim with this one.

There were so many other toys there that I can’t remember their name or what exactly I thought of them. It was a little overwhelming! I hate that all the things I remembered seem to be so negative but I know what I personally like and I was hunting down the toys I’ve been wondering about for some time now. In October when I’m in NY I hope to be able to get in a visit to another store, either Babeland or maybe the Pleasure Chest which is where one of my fellow calendar models works, Brandon B.

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