How long does it take to move on?

How long until you stop comparing potential “replacements” to what is being replaced?

How long until you can reclaim that thing, or that subject, or that place as yours – the way it was before they claimed it with you….

Before you let them in to it, whether in open arms or edging along the wall…..

How long until you stop seeing the replacement as a poor substitute?

Finding faults and cons, not pros.

There’s this pair of shoes sitting here, left behind. Big shoes to fill, so to speak. They’re not perfect shoes; there’s a few scuffs and a squeak that comes from the left heel when walking. These shoes are unique and one of a kind. I don’t think they can be filled by anyone but their old owner. They can’t even be borrowed for a little bit. And since I am seeing that similar=poor substitute, it’s time for a new style.

How long until I’m able to move them? Not to be gotten rid of entirely, but put away so that it doesn’t look like they’re sitting and waiting (I’m not sitting and waiting). The shoes are going to stay where they are for the time being, I guess. A little longer, a slow and gradual move. But I’m not ready.

Not yet.

Tags: disjointed, melancholy, R, random thoughts

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I’m going to get the “bad news” out of the way first.

R and I are no longer. Well, that’s not fully accurate. The D/s and sexual side has ended, and we won’t ever be seeing each other even in a “friendly hanging out” sort of way, at least for the foreseeable future. It’s his decision, his demons to battle and in the end….well, he’s doing the right thing. It’s hurtful for me and somewhat for him but for him to ultimately go against that which has made him who he is, would be detrimental. He’s not been innocent in this, but he can’t hit the last proverbial nail in the coffin of infidelity. Our “relationship” is way more complicated than most of my readers know and I won’t be going into it anymore than I have. My friends know and have been wonderful little support pillars.

I need to figure out how to pull out the threads of our close friendship and keep those; burn the threads of anger and hurt; and tuck away the threads of the sex and D/s into a very dark remote corner. I won’t be finding anyone else to fill that bill, I just don’t think I can be submissive like I was with him, with anyone else. Perhaps I will change my mind in time, but submission like that was a big deal to me. A rare gift. He and I will remain friends though, like we have been for the past year. The friendship was always the foundation and the majority of things.

I won’t be writing about him anymore. I’m resisting the urge to close down all posts tagged with him. Seriously pondering how much of a pain in the ass it would be to remove one of those pics up there in my header banner. Or if I should remove the domination/submission click links up there. I don’t even know if I’ll write about dominating women anymore, I’m just not sure at this time.

I don’t want any comments of condolence or opinions on the matter of my whatever with R, period. I really don’t. It makes it harder. The only ones who were allowed to weigh in with opinions and advice are the friends who know the intricate gory details. To clarify for anybody who somehow didn’t read enough or note little details, R is NOT my SO, is NOT my live-in partner. That man is still very much here and wonderful.

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I’ve got a few notable reviews in the works revolving around the style of vibrators called the “massagers”. These are the big bad boys, some recharge and some remain plugged in. Most are sold in the vanilla world as muscle massagers. First I’m going to do a comparative review all in one post of the Hitachi, the CEN knock-off the Miracle Massager, the Acuvibe and the Acuvibe Mini, and the Ideal. If you happen to own one not listed here AND you also own one or more that I have listed here, please contact me. I’d like to include your thoughts in my post.

Then, the wonderful Drew at EdenFantasys sent me some attachments for said massagers. I’ve reviewed 2 in the past, now I’ve got 3 more that I’ll talk about in a second comparative review.

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I’m also considering writing up a short series to help those who haven’t purchased any sex toys in the last decade, or never have bought any, or own only a couple terrible ones.

I’d like to include anal toys for newbies in the list too, but as I’ve never tried any, I can’t recommend. Hoping one of my reviewer peers might pitch in here.

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You know….the search terms that lead to my site crack me up sometimes. Other times I think “Wow, sorry buddy, ain’t gonna find that here!”. And other times I’m sickened.

But one frequent search has made me think. I do get numerous hits from some incarnation of the Njoy Pure Wand words. One such search is people looking for videos of the Pure Wand in use. Sorry to disappoint!
However……

I am pondering making a video of it. Not really a porn, per se, more of….an instructional porn. I wouldn’t show my face, I wouldn’t show even all of my body. But I really really want people to not be intimidated by the Pure Wand because it truly is my Holy Grail dildo. So I’m pondering this video, and pondering sharing it only with valid Pure Wand almost-owners as a way to convince them to take the plunge and purchase.

I’m not sure though.

Tags: endings, pure wand love, R, random thoughts, real life, sextoys

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	from	Lilly <xxxxx@gmail.com>
to		R <xxxxx@gmail.com>
date		Wed, Jun 3, 2009 at 8:33 PM
subject		nsfw pics attached….her gift

Sir;

I shared with her the photo exactly as you asked, said what you told me to say, and nudged her to return something to us.

Attached are extra pics that I took, I thought that perhaps you would appreciate these.

The first photo shows that I had company. As I walked to my car I saw him sitting there in his truck, lights on. That car next him also has someone in it. They were waiting on someone I guess. So he saw me get into my car and start it but not leave. Maybe he saw me arch upwards as I pulled my jeans and panties down. And if I could see him in my side mirror…..perhaps he could see me, if his vision was good enough. He was two rows back. He couln’t have seen my hands  but he would have seen my face, the obvious face of orgasm.

I came hard staring at the cars behind me with this mental image playing:

You made me sit up on your desk, with my skirt bunched up to my hips and no panties on, my legs spread wide and my feet up on the desk on either side of my ass. My dripping wet cunt there for anybody to see and smell how aroused I was. As soon as a few men finally care enough to pause in their work they casually lean against the edges of the cube walls, arms crossed and heads tilted with measured stares as you show off your whore. You roughly shove in 4 fingers and then your thumb and start fucking me with your fist, hard. The desired effect….my gaping cunt hole when you remove your hand and unmercilessly press the bullet on high to my clit. My own slut is there at my side, one arm around my head in a comforting way. As I feel the orgasm begin, I move my mouth to her tits and paw my way through her shirt just to get my mouth around her nipple. I come, screaming, my mouth clamped down on her nipple. My cunt contracts and spasms and I feel the fluids running out of my wide-open cunt as the men, and you, just stare at me like perverts.

Tags: bdsm, conversations, D/s, fantasy, her, masturbation, microfantasy, parking lot exhibitionism, Photos, R, real life, slut, submission

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The thing about words is that meanings can twist just like a snake, and if you want to find snakes look for them behind words that have changed their meaning.   ~Terry Pratchett

An outside source had sparked some deep searching thoughts in myself and some conversations between he and I about submission and then specifically my submission.

Our relationship is mostly  not about D/s. The basis is close friendship and in that we are equals. Sexually, I’m his submissive; I consider him my Master. But yet I still fight it. The following of orders. Orders I don’t necessarily like or want to do at that moment. There are even sexual things, fantasies, that I will go along with that I don’t actually like…..I’m doing it to please my Master.

Half of me says to that: WTF! Grow a backbone, sister! Your mind is goin about this allll wrong. You are being a doormat and you need to fuckin stand up for yourself!

Other half of me says to that: Pleasing your dominant doesn’t always mean it’s a bed of roses for the submissive. But a good dominant knows enough about his submissive to know that right now she’s not ok with it and won’t like it, but when it happens after the first or second time…..she’ll like it. And so far, for the most part, that’s been the case. There were things I didn’t want that I now think “ohhhh yes that’s hot, yes I want to do it – for myself and for him”.

I’m not really sure all the time just where the D/s side of our relationship stands (sometimes it is always there just bubbling under the surface, ready and able to pop out at any time but then other times real life intervenes and the D/s dynamic hasn’t seen the light of day in weeks) but I expressed an interest in wanting “more” submission. What is more? I don’t yet know. Perhaps in my ramblings here and feedback from you I can figure it out.

Mollena wrote up a very non-linear “thinking out blog” posting that’s kinda-sorta along this vein and she nailed it with the term I had been searching for: Obedience versus Submission.Except that her and I have different viewpoints.

To me, obedience is….god, many things I don’t like. The situations I have been in that one has to “be obedient” are always situations that make me feel demeaned. Looked down upon. Retail jobs are a big part of this. We’re taught that the customer is always right and all that crap. I took a lot of shit working in retail as long as I did. Both from customers and managers. But I had to behave a certain way. I had to curtsy and smile and say “I’ll do my best to help you” when I was really seething inside because they had treated me like a piece of dirt. When what I really wanted to say is “Learn how to fucking treat people better, you twat. You are dead wrong on this matter – quit acting like a spoiled brat and get the fuck out!” But…..I couldn’t say that and keep my job. Then I took an office job in which my boss was a scatterbrained tyrant who scared the poop out of me. Partly him, partly my fault – he’d demand such-and-such right this instant and if I didn’t know where it was in 2 seconds, I panicked thinking perhaps I lost it. Again, I was obedient and almost subservient to him and I resented it. I resented him and the job and the fact that I needed to keep that job. There were times when he treated me like shit. Verbally. Made me feel worthless and 2 inches tall.

R is naturally a blunt fellow in all aspects, even when we’re just in “friend” dynamic. He is not trying to be mean, not at all. But combine a blunt person with a person who is a bit overly sensitive in some areas….And then combine all that with his Dom side? It’s not always easy.

R: Go in and take a pic of your tongue on your own nipple. Send to her AND CC to me

me: ok….

R: tell her it is a gift from R

*swats your ass* go

me: going.

me: back. and sent.

R: then why don’t I see it in my inbox

you sent to her and CC’d me?

me: no, i forwarded it from my phone to you and to my email. from my email on to her.

R: I’m confused

me: she doesn’t know my cell number, she wouldn’t know who its from. so i had to send it from my phone to my own email address, first.

R: yes…and from your e-mail to the both of us? Or just each of us separately?

that’s the part where I’m confused.

me: from my email to just her. i sent it to YOU via my phone.

R: this is not what I told you to do, now is it.

and the pic is not the one I told you to take either.

I fail to understand why you “do whatever you want to do” when I give you a specific task.
it kills me, actually.

So can you see, then, how some areas of being a submissive (especially to someone who can have an evil unforgiving streak when he’s deep into that frame of mind) are big old red trigger buttons that make me want to set my jaw and harden my stare and say “Fuck you, no I won’t.” Or get bratty. Or try to prove him wrong when he makes a challenging statement about me.

I didn’t always want submission. In fact, until this past year, I didn’t quite understand it. What it did for others. Why it was ok and it wasn’t abusive, or how the submissive could like it and not feel demeaned. I know now, I’ve read the writings of others who identify as submissive and I opened my mind. But for a while….all I wanted was rough sex. Kinky sex. Hold-me-down-and-make-me-powerless sex. With R, that evolved. It still is evolving. I went from identifying more as a “bottom” no matter what to acquiescing to being submissive…but it’s only with him. I do not feel submissive with just anyone. It is an earned right with me. It is rare. I can and do crave the bottom role with others; the roughness, receiving pain and pleasure, not being the one in control.

I’m not sure what it stems from, but I tend to do things to make others happy. Make them like me? And sometimes I think that I rationalize “If I do this for him, he’ll like me more.”. I know, I know, it’s 876 kinds of fucked up. I know. But its subconscious – I don’t actually think that out loud…in fact I didn’t even realize that it was an aspect of it until a week ago. And I must admit that I didn’t like that realization. Will R leave me if I don’t want anal sex? Will R like me more if I swallow? As a person? No, he won’t. In that moment sexually, I’m sure he would though, lol.

Still, quite a lot of the D/s dynamic feels like a scolding parent-child boss-servant dynamic. Feels like it. It’s not. But that’s where I’m at sometimes in my head and why I get defiant. R is not doing anything “wrong”. I read of other dominants who make him look tame. Alright, not tame per se but a whole lot more tolerable. I need to work on this and learn how to meld D/s obedience into my submission and let go of my past conceptions on obedience.  Because I don’t like feeling that way. It does, however, provide a bit of work for him….I do not just lay down and serve. It makes him bring out his Dominance even more. That part I suspect he likes. So I don’t want to turn into the Stepford Wife version of a submissive.

I still hold myself taut when submitting. I cannot fully let go. That’s something that I want to work on with him. As I said before, I want “more” – except that I can’t get more when I don’t know what I’m asking for or how to ask for it.

Please, weigh in. Lengthy comments are welcome. I’d like to hear from everyone whether you identify as dominant, submissive or switch. (note: any bashing of R and his style of dominating, or anything really, won’t be tolerated. period.) I’d really like to hear if others agree/disagree with how I see obedience and submission and if not….give me your take on it all. Thanks.

A Related Post:

~ Submission: Give and Take

Tags: bdsm, blogging out loud, conversations, D/s, headspace, obedience, R, real life, submissive

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This is a powerful image for me.

It made me just literally stare in awe for quite some time.

All I can think is “Give me this….please…”

{sexandsubmission.com – not for the faint of heart}

Yes, she’s beautiful and it adds a little to it but that’s not really the point here.

Powerful.
It’s that big, strong male hand wrapped firmly at her throat that’s making me weak in the knees. I have written about some explorations with R regarding this. Honestly, before he brought it to light in the perfect perfect way that he did, it was not something that I ever would have pondered. I would have immediately said “no thanks”. So it goes with numerous things with him; he does have such a talent for pulling me deeper into submission and filthy glorious kink.

Powerless.
It’s that look in her eyes. Arousal? Fear? Begging? I suspect all three. I know that it would be for me. It’s beautiful agony….heavy with trust and instinctual fear and being rocked to the core of your submission. I want to give this to him. I want him to take this from me.I have nothing but complete and utter trust in him or I would not crave this or allow this. As I sit here now I know he would balance safety and the edge of danger – and at the last moment pull me back to safety. I know that in the heat of the moment I will feel as she appears to be feeling; scared and aroused and rushing with the confliction and brain chemistry that is all in a whirl. Followed by a rush of endorphins and different kinds of relief tangled up in each other.

It’s her lips, her tongue. See how they are parted? See the tongue lifted up to the roof of her mouth? I know she’s trying to get air. I know he’s not going to give it to her quite yet.

I have seen only this photo, nothing more from the scene. Just this one image and I am shaken. Aching and wet and in need. My, how I have changed in a year’s time.

Power—give. take.

Tags: bdsm, breathplay, D/s, R, random thoughts, submission

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