Sep 192009

I’ve been spending a good bit of time lately on a couple of sexy forums/bulletin boards. (No, I’m not saying which ones, protecting my privacy a bit) Between posting and sharing pics (99% of them are ones you guys have seen, don’t worry) it’s been a big help to my feeling “flawed”. All your supportive comments kicked me out of my foxhole and I landed right in the thick of things. It’s also been a boost to my libido and writing creativity, so expect to see a few more fiction pieces soon. These places are wonderful for me to re-connect with my exhibitionist/voyeur roots and indulge my fetishes for those. Will I go so far as to get on cam or audio for a whole chat room to see? That’s still undecided.

I’ve started using my vibe again at work – but sadly, I cannot find my wooden dildo that I used to love to use in tandem. It’s here somewhere….in the clutter and piles…

So since the following pic got such good reception, I’ve decided to post it here too. I’m finding that there’s a lot more men who appreciate a woman of my size than I realized. Pity that most are not in my area, lol. Also a pity that the women I’m drooling over (who are returning the interest) are not in my area. It has reignited my absolute utter need to find a female sex partner. NEED.


Here I go again, being dangerous and bad. Don’t worry, you’ll hear all about it.

Sep 132009

Another Suburban Mom did a “Flawed” HNT this past week and asked others to join.

I, obviously, did not.

And why not?

Well, this confession is as much as you’ll get from me for the time being.

I couldn’t participate. I was not brave enough. And I also wouldn’t have been able to pick anything out. The truth is…..*sigh* this is hard for me to admit here. I’m afraid you’ll all think less of me. Ok here goes: I see flaws everywhere.

(god that felt like “I see dead people”)

All those who comment here are so wonderful and participating in HNT has helped me. I have been reminded by those that love me that others do not see me as I do, others are not as harsh. I am my own worst critic.

*I hate my weight. I am fat, I am obese. You do not see it all, I am not brave enough to show it each week. I hide it away. I am deeply ashamed of it. My weight contributes to many flaws, if I were not obese, they would not exist.
*But even without the weight, I’ve never had a flat belly. Always a chub there. But now with the excess weight it is my most hated spot.
*I hate my round cheeks. Even when I was thin, they were round and full. Now my whole face and neck is.
*I hate the skin around my eyes. It’s too dark, and it took me a very long time to find a decent enough makeup to cover it. I won’t leave the house without that.
*My complexion – ever since I went off hormonal birth control, I cannot control my breakouts.
*My hair – again, result of that birth control drop, I lost some right up front. You can see my scalp through it. The rest is thin and fine. Won’t hold a curl very long.
*My upper lip – lower one is great, the upper is out of proportion.
*My smile – at least when I smile “with teeth” which I only do when laughing and I try not to let it show. You don’t end up seeing much teeth and it just looks…weird. Awkward. My smile is not one that lights up a room.
*My nipples – well specifically the areola. (is that spelled right?) As my breasts grew, so did they. They’re very large. I worry that if/when I lose my excess weight and my breasts shrink, that they won’t.
*My breasts – yes, I’ll hear about this one. You all love them so. I think they’re too large, too fatty, not perky, etc. I could wear prettier bras if I were smaller.I love my cleavage, I love the full mounds of my breasts when they’re supported.
*My cunt – I feel my outter labia are too full and fat. Were they better when I was thinner? I don’t know, I didn’t masturbate much then. They hide my clit away, they hide everything.
*My inner thighs – well, I won’t even say on here after all these confessions why I hate them but I suspect it’s a result of my weight.

I fake it sometimes, my confidence. Sometimes I feel sexy. But then sometimes I really don’t. Sometimes I want to cry when I look in the mirror at my naked self, or see the HNT reject photos that show me looking humongous. And sometimes I do cry. Sometimes I wish for a magical knife to slice it all off. Sometimes I feel like a fraud, with the photos I post.

I really do. But I’m too cowardly to show the flaws. And it makes me a bad person.


Aug 302009


Happyland is my new name for Maryland. We had a “honeymoon lite” this weekend, just 24 hours and it was most decidedly not enough. The bayside town we go to is a spot where his family owns a little place; for a while there we went every year but due to being newly moved, more poor and less time off from work we had to forgo our week-long summer escapes there these last two years.

It’s always nice to go back; in a way it feels like going home. Is it sad that we (especially me) were super duper excited to see that they put in a new (and huge and wonderful) Target closer to our town? Some places on the eastern shore are a good 20-30 minute drive to “civilization” and chain stores (or farther!). The new Target means that decent shopping is now a little bit closer AND we no longer have to go to Wal-mart for non-grocery things. We bought dessert there – Target has a food brand called Archer Farms and a lot of their things are quite good. We got a Tiramisu from the frozen section and we were very pleasantly surprised! The filling part isn’t as thick and pudding-like as mine, but it was really tasty and even better than some I’ve had in restaurants!!! Another reason we love Maryland is that somehow the roads there are far, far superior than Pennsylvania. It doesn’t matter which highway we are on to get into Maryland (so far it’s been 4 different ones), the moment you officially cross state line the road changes. From pale, crappy, cracked, riddled with potholes and untold amounts of tar patching to smooth and hassle-free. It’s sad, really. Even the median and the shoulders are far superior. And, of course, the drivers are better for the most part.

Dinner was divine, at one of our favorite local seafood places. After dinner we took our usual drive to one of our spots; I had an urging for beach glass. It’s a bit of an obsession with us on the last couple trips and we’ve gotten a decent collection from various beaches in the eastern shore area. No red glass, sadly, and only two little pieces of dark blue glass but the rest is quite pretty. This was our haul from one of the nearby little beaches. I guess “beach” is a bit misleading – more like “bit of shore with some sand and shells and rocks for about 100 yards”. But we like it.

maryland-honeymoon-025fix maryland-honeymoon-012

We love this place so much and don’t spend nearly enough time there, that I’ve got a bit of vacation drop after a mere 24 hours. Really really don’t wanna go back to work tomorrow.

As soon as Drew, my dealer and enabler, firms up a few details for me I will announce a sex toy giveaway contest that I’m really excited for. And I already have my HNT pic (or pics, we’ll see) for this week because last week I wore a top I hadn’t ever noticed is so thin that it’s see-through in certain lighting. Oops!

Jul 182009


Before I discovered smut on the internet, I discovered erotic books. I have such a vivid imagination that I can see the scene in my mind as I read; my own private movie. It is something that is a big bonus to my erotic fiction writings. Text and words have always aroused me more than images (usually). My favorite reads for arousal have always been of the short story anthology variety. Everyone’s taste is different so there’s always the inevitable few stories that do nothing for you. The rest of them usually make up for that. But if you enjoy reading my blog and you get off to my written words, then no sextoy shopping trip would be complete without picking up a hot book to take to bed with you. It can be for an indulgent night alone, and it can be used to prime yourself for your partner. Read it aloud, even. Involve them.

There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to review this book. Caught Looking: Erotic Tales of Voyeurs and Exhibitionists (edited by Alison Tyler and Rachel Kramer Bussel) is a title that is so obviously meant for me. Indeed, many of these stories have aroused me to the core and have given me ideas.

The characters vary widely in this collection of 20 stories. Predominantly hetero with a couple token lesbian stories and a few bisexual females thrown into the mix. Some stories are about characters who are purposely being exhibitionists and some are accidental exhibitionists. There are the tales of shy, lonely late bloomers secretly listening or watching.

I set out to read one evening, settled comfortably into bed with various toys at the ready. Wearing nothing but a bedtime t-shirt I snuggled under the comforter and began. The first story seemed familiar (it is indeed in another anthology I own) but is honestly one of my favorites.

….the second she’d seen the picture window facing the apartment across the alley, her mind had turned to the idea of taking her clothes off in front of it, and the deal was closed.
~Curtain Call, Thomas S. Roche

Our heroine masturbates in front of this window without knowing if anyone is even home in the apartment across the way. And right at the outset, I was wet. Raptly engrossed in my reading, my lips parted and tongue running along the inside of my lower lip, I read and wanted to be her. I’ve done what I could in the arrangement of my apartment but the best was merely an open window and a vocal orgasm. My index finger lazily grazed circles over my hardening clit by the time I neared completion of this story.

…The water streamed over our heads and I drifted on a mist of steam, a storm gathering in the pit of my stomach.I was just starting that smooth glide to a deep come when I heard a thin cry float above Taylor’s labored grunts.
~A Flash of Gold, Radclyffe

This lesbian story in the setting of a college dormitory shower made me want to go back to college – just not the one I went to. The college I attended did not have large multi-shower rooms meant to be shared by the floor. Instead we only shared our shower with the adjoining room. Perhaps an arrangement like the dorm showers in this story would have done little else for me than provide a visual feast for me to furtively watch, but perhaps it would have gotten me my longed-for college girl-on-girl experience. Maybe an invitation to join the couple I would happen upon at 1am, fucking under the stream of water. Surely at least  a few opportunities to listen to labored breathing and moans a stall or two over. All these what-ifs floating in my head, combined with the story, lead me to move from fingers circling my clit to nestling my bullet vibe between my pussy lips and gently buzzing away on my clit.

…Eyes wide, I stared at the car over his shoulder, barely able to make out the man behind the wheel. All I could see was the glow of his cigarette. He didn’t start the car, he didn’t leave. He sat there, watching us. Watching me get fucked.
~The Stars Fell Down, Kristina Wright

An adulterous couple sneaks away from a party and their spouses to meet up in the parking lot of the school where he works. A heated scene in the car leads to desire-fueled sex outside of the car. Suddenly, someone exits the school and watches them. The couple are aware, but are so crazed for each other that they don’t care. Again this is one of those situations where I don’t know who I’d rather be. Her, or the voyeur. After this story I finally laid my book aside to concentrate on getting off. With my bullet vibrator pressed to my clit just so, I climaxed with a long drawn out orgasm.

…Her tits brush against mine, the nipples so hard as they send tingles of sensation through my body. She kisses me again, grinding on top of me. It doesn’t occur to me that other patrons might be watching. I don’t eve really care. The only thing, in that moment, is the feel of the stripper’s body against me and the heat of your eyes on us.
~Couples Welcome, Erica Dumas

I want to go to a strip club. SOON. This story combined a reluctant bi-curious girl paired with a female stripper, and later on sex with her man outside the club. Two hot aspects in one story. I’m not kidding, someone take me to a strip club or two. I had to come again after this story. This time I deftly stroked my g-spot to orgasm with my beloved Pure Wand. I have long harbored fantasies of strip clubs. Being a dancer; watching a friend get up there and get naked for me; getting a private lap dance and “more”; going to a strip club with a female friend, both of us being scantily dressed, getting each other off as we watch the strippers perform and tease; the list goes on and on. As I read this story I was the girl, I was the one getting a lap dance, I was the one getting fucked in the alley.

There are many other good stories in this anthology. There are two with male Dominant / female submissive angles…..those both were a huge turn-on for me at the time I read it but for right now I can’t read them. I get filled with longing and realization I might never have that. There are also a few stories that were duds, to me, but that is a given in any anthology. This book was primarily arousing and should definitely be bought, soon. Before you use a sex toy, you need to be turned on. This, my friends, will do the job over and over again.

Jul 122009

There’s this guy who works in my office, one row over, and I think he might have a little thing for me. I’m not sure just how young he is, he’s old enough to be working there permanently and at something one step up from entry level but he has a baby face.

My job went from being a relaxed administrative assistant to a grumpy clerk who basically does glorified data entry most of the day. Type up a list of numbers, then head back to the printer for all the sheets that the program printed out that I have to then merge with the correct invoices. So, I print a lot. Frequently. Sometimes large batches.

Sadly, I don’t have my own printer. At the back end of every other row is a printer. This guy doesn’t work in my aisle, he’s on the other side (our “adjoining wall” sides are a little over 5 feet high, the cube separating walls are a little over 4.5 feet high) but he uses the same printer as I do. It’s a given that most times, someone else’s stuff is mixed in with mine. For some reason he’s not real adept at finding his stuff, and I’ve got the method down pat and can flip through the stack in mere seconds. He’s taken to occasionally teasing me that I purposely print out a batch of shit right when he prints out one page. And even though I couldn’t possibly know, lol, we end up back there at the same time frequently.

When I walk by his row or he’s in mine, I catch him staring at me.

The other week, as he walked in the thru-way aisle that’s just in front of my cube, I stopped him.

“Hey M, did they put more toner in yet?”

He looked down at me over the shorter partition and fumbled for his words. Pretty much, no, they hadn’t.

Then I realized the view he just had.

Poor kid.


May 312009

Today is the last day of National Masturbation Month. I hope you made the month note-worthy! I sure did.

All in all it was a crappy weekend filled with familial obligations that involved a shit-ton of driving. My time was divided between being in a decidedly irritating environment to an, albeit equally irritating, quiet and contemplative environment (my god does this state have more than it’s fair share of idiotic asshole drivers). I tend to do a lot of thinking and daydreaming and such when I’m driving for long periods alone. When I was still doing jewelry design it was a time period when I would think up the most designs. Handy, right? I’m driving, my memory is crap and so I have to wait until I get home or can pull over to sketch out designs….frequently I’d forget half of the brilliant ideas.

To combat boredom today, in hours 9-12 of driving (hours 1-9 were done in between 7am and midnight yesterday) I decided to be a little naughty.


Well actually…..more than a little naughty.

I even have a couple really really short video clips I strung together, just to prove I am indeed driving and I am indeed driving with my tits hanging out. This is about as close to driving topless as I had the cohones to get to. Perhaps another time in the future, when I’m not alone in the car, I will. And the photos will turn out better since they’re not self-shot.

I’m just not sure about posting it. It doesn’t show my face, but it shows the interior of my car. Perhaps I am being too paranoid with my anonymity.

I’m also not sure about posting the audio clip.   (Edit: I was convinced to do so)

What audio clip, you ask?

One of the things that my mind spent a lot of time lingering on was a certain sweet, sexy curvy gal and the fact that she’s very very naughty at work and the fact that I want to fuck her. Viewing photos on her blog and a few short video clips that she took while at work caused me to masturbate in the most inopportune of times/places over the weekend. One of those times and places being driving at 70 mph down Route 76. A 4-lane divided busy toll highway.  For some reason inspiration struck as I was getting close to orgasm….I used this nice little feature on my phone called “voice notes”, that allows me to record something and then send it – to another phone or to email. So I emailed it to myself and someone special. I had pondered posting it, but I am just about decided against it. I also used the voice notes in a very vanilla way by recording some shit that I thought of to write about either here or the other blog or just shit in general I thought up to tell someone.

She’s not the only person my mind wandered to frequently – the other one knows who he is and honestly it’s nothing news-worthy, not like I don’t mention him enough ;)

And then when my second urging to wank while driving struck, and I found myself needing a little more….I finished off at a rest stop. A busy one. Some guy drove strangly close to my car – he came up the right side and instead of cutting straigh across the row he drove in FRONT of my car. Since he was in an SUV and I’m in my little compact….well I think he could see both hands shoved down the front of my unbuttoned pants. He looked right at me. Yeah, he knew. Old perv, lol. I looked very conspicuous sitting there….just sitting in my car when most were getting out, using the facilities or just stretching their legs or the dogs legs.


I definitely had fun. And I am sure there is more naughty exhibitionistic driving in my future.